Part 6: Disregard the Monarch

Disregard the Monarch


ATOM, 100%. Black Geyser is boring and stupid, but ATOM is viscerally unpleasant to play.

Welcome back! Last time I asked goons to opine on whether we should give Hamlin the possibly valued memento of our dead stepmother who we never met, and the general consensus was "eh, whatever, this is stupid." Therefore...



: Wonderful to hear you say so, Inta Rume.



We get a cutscene where Hamlin walks up to the painting, and the game fades to black before rerendering a new area sans the smokin hot Lady Espen.




Time to nope out of here and get back to the exciting fantasy adventure plot of delivering our real birth records.



I guess we helped him in the blackout cutscene. Also not pictured: a random encounter with some scorpions and me misclicking the destination to the market town.



I'm not an art expert, but don't you roll up paintings for transport? Or is he carrying the frame?

: Well, let me help you with it. I don't see how you can manage it on your own.



: Where are you delivering the painting?



I'm super confused because we literally have a document that says our mother is Clea somebody.

Did Rothgor the devil-god kill all the editors?

: All right, see you later then.

: Yes, come find me later in Greybark Square.




If you pick the bottom option he gets all snooty and starts whining about the value of bloodlines. I really don't know.

: I found these. I hope it's sufficient.



: What do you mean? These must be what you asked for. It's all I could find.

: A moment, please. Boy, come here. I have a task for you.



We get a cutscene of a little kid running off.



Oh, huh. Ok, the game kind of answers my question of "how do you know it's not a scam".

: How do you know your records are forged and mine are real?



That's good that he doesn't ask us to provide witnesses or anything.

: What about Espen's son, Aldnar? As the eldest, won't he make a claim to the estate?



: Is there anything I have to do as a noblewoman?



: What do I do next?

: A timely question! Knowing his majesty would wish to be informed of these developments at once, I sent a scribe to request an audience for you. Here he is now.



: Looks like my luck has finally changed!

Scribe: I don't know about that. But I really don't think you should make him wait.






: Yes, I take after my mother.

: Hmph. A clever ruse that, hiding in plain sight in Espen's house.



: What exactly does this title entail?

: To maintain the roads under your demesne, answer the petitions of your serfs should you eventually acquire any, to provide a levy of troops in times of war in the number I deem suitable, and the usual taxes and tithes.



Fuck you.

: The estate is truly beggared then?



So, can we have them back? The entire point of nobility is that the nobles administer the things the king does not have the bureaucracy to administer.

: Am I not to inherit even the house and land on the main estate?

The house is also thoroughly wrecked and probably a money pit to rebuild.



This sounds cool and like a great motivation to go out and do things for the king - you conquered Lord Treason Man's estate and now it's yours and you can do cool things.

This will never come up again.

: The only thing that will be taxing is having to talk to you again.

This is obviously a dumb fucking idea, but I'll show it off anyway.





This aggros the entire royal guard.

The guard have swords that deal slashing damage.

Inta is immune to slashing damage.



We don't have the spells to actually win this fight, and we get ground down by the royal guard even though honestly our companions should probably desert us around this point. I guess we earned them death sentences too?

It's kind of amazing they don't try to plead for mercy or leave or anything.



This fight is actually winnable! The king himself wades into the melee and you can murderize his ass. From what I've read on the steam forums, this breaks the game as the main quest can't progress and the entire city goes hostile. Per the developers on said forums, you need to do the king's quest here to unlock the rest of the areas in the game.

It would have been entirely plausible for this to just end in a game over as you get cut down by bowmen in the rafters or something.



The correct way to proceed is to kiss the king's ass.

: As Your Majesty sayeth, so shall it be.

Having a noble title opens up a lot of shit and worst case scenario we can just marry a rich merchant or something.



: Yes, Your Majesty.



: Woohoo! Look at me now, mama, I made it.

: Ugh, when did they start breeding halfwits out there in the countryside?



: Yes, Your Majesty.



: Oh, yes, one last thing. You'll need a signet ring with your family crest. There's a coal-eater over on Market Street whom many of your ilk visit for such titles.



You know, I don't hate this line.

: Did you say something, Dwarf?

: No, Your Magnificence. Just a cough. From all the coal dust.

: Of course.

: Dismissed.


So, King Velianrick has his own manual entry.


Wait if Rillow are naturally greedy, why are we resistant to the curse of greed? Granted, I'm cringing at "natural avarice" because that sounds suspiciously like anti-Semitic garbage that's not really the Rillow, they're a fucked up mishmash of Asian stereotypes. Alright, so that dwarf the king is talking about isn't just any dwarf, he's Tolbard the blacksmith, whom we've met. He also has a manual entry for some reason.


So yes, Tolbard is a super hard core craftsman who personally armed the king, his bodyguard unit, and knows how to make war golems. The king basically did the equivalent of calling him the n-word in front of a court that's supposed to be full of intrigue. If Tolbard went over to the rebels - who, remember, control the kingdom's mines - he could probably personally shit out enough war golems to turn the tide of the war. The game is trying to make it seem like Velianrick was a cool king who got cursed by the evil gods and is now a raving moron because he does shit like this.

Of course the manual throws in fucking racial determinism.

Moving on!



These guys are trying to fix a golem but then swear at us when we tell them we're not good golem fixers.



This guy shows up as we leave.



: Well met. Do you and I have some business?

For what it's worth I legitimately didn't know there was a Rillow war until I reread the manual. That seems... kind of important?

Fengrir: I hope we do, milady.



We can of course shoot off our mouth like a damn moron but I'm not going to do that. The blacksmith at the Garden (spoilers) has armor and weapon upgrades we could use to get Inta and Helgenhar to that critical "immune to weapons" threshold.

: I will be glad to visit if, as you say, my travels take me there.



: But she's Rillow, just as we are.



: Good day, Fengrir.

Fengrir: And to you, milady.






I take the opportunity to rest at an in. I have no idea what hiring guards does - do you get jumped at an inn? Do I want to know?



Tolbard apparently didn't hear that the king is saying racist shit about him.



: I hear you're the smith to see about a signet ring.



: I'm the scion of House Espen, so I'll be needing a ring with my family crest.

: I know it. Business is slow. Come see me soon and I'll have it for ye.

But... wait. The kingdom is at war and he's the guy responsible for all the weapons of the royal guard and golems. I assume "business is slow" is a lie, right?

: Oh, 'n if you haven't tried it, I'd recommend a drink at the Crooked Haggler while ye wait.

Huh? The Crooked Haggler is where we picked up Bjalla and made those guys wet their pants.


I'm serious! The last time we talked to this guy we made fun of him for saying "ho" and the manual claims he's not one for japery! It's not like you can't gate the main quest behind raising money, Baldur's Gate 2 literally did that by having the Shadow Thieves charge you an exorbitant sum to help them win their gang war.

After wandering around pointlessly the psychic journal updates to tell us Hamlin is back.



: Maybe not the best place for a rendezvous.



Good job turning down the armed escort, idiot.

: Yea, looks like.

I honestly kinda regret not hitting on Hamlin here because this game's romance - the one romance I saw - had me and my friends on Discord in stitches about how stupid it was.

: You really know how to build a man's confidence. Anyway, do you mind if we join forces again?



: That makes sense. By all means, come along.

: I am grateful, Inta Rume.


So, I had a spiel about how Hamlin's quest line wasn't finished, but it turns out they added the resolution in a patch. Whether we can finish it is an open question, because in my test playthrough the game bugged out and repeated this dialog in Act 4.

However, remember how Fjora told us to come back later for Helgenhar's quest?



That's it! We finished Helgenhar's entire quest line already! I went back to Fjora just before hitting the final boss and it's not done yet, and it turns out that's the entirety of Helgenhar's quest. Why?

The game is still in active development and it honestly looks like the developers are still desperately trying to add things to make this seem like a real game.



It's telling! If you go over to the Steam forums the devs are constantly promising - and to be fair, are delivering on - that they're going to add more features such as strongholds, more companion quests, less tedious quests, etc. Of course, we're about to do a companion quest that fucks us over hard later and the main quest that is supposedly "complete" makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Onward!



We have the opportunity to go beat up people for Baflodac (*snicker*) but then I realize it's a Black Geyser sidequest and even the devs admit they suck. Now, this raises the question of "why have them?" Masquerada: Songs and Shadows is an isometric RPG that keeps you pretty well on the rails and doesn't have any sidequests at all, and it's legitimately a good game. There are a lot of sidequests in Black Geyser. If they had cut them down to a few interesting sidequests it would have been a lot better than tripping over some dude who needs 20 bear asses and promises to pay you in GREED.



We have to fuck around until the ring is ready so I chat up Bjalla here.

: What are you hoping to achieve for yourself in the near future?



: Very well, what sort of a favor?



Wait, I thought Hamlin's achievement was "the shady one"?

: Yes, I'm willing. What do you need?



Wait, you're a student? I thought you were supposed to be an infamous archmage?


Huh. I guess "Darling of the Court" isn't the same as court mage.

: Perhaps I can retrieve the book for you, since i haven't been banned. As far as I know.



: Then how do you propose we get our hands on this book?

: You're a capable woman, Inta Rume, I'm sure one of your many talents applies here. What are you good at, sweet-talking? Invisibility? The one hundred percent discount?

: Anyone with magical ability could apply to the college and become a student, though that seems rather boring.



Alright, it's time to go do dumb bullshit to salvage Bjalla's ego. Remember, this court darling joined us as a level 3 dumbass despite being supposedly infamous.

: Alright, let's go get that book!

: Excellent! I knew I could depend on you, Inta Rume!




Siracca is still a buzzkill.



: Now will you tell me what about that portrait was so damned important?



"This is the Guild of Thieves, sometimes called the Thieves Guild".

: Where are you from, Hamlin?



: Quite a distance from the Deroni forests to Isilbright.



: What made you decide on Isilbright?



Why is "woman" capitalized? This isn't the only time the game does this. I navigate back up through menus to end the conversation.




The librarian won't let us in and we can't sneak in because of the sword ghosts. I will say the sword ghosts are kind of neat.



A patch added bags of holding, which I need to grind for so we can loot all the things.



This is the guy we need to see about Bjalla's thing.

Are you ready for a Harry Potter reference?

: Mendelroth.

: ...



: Why does it look as if you two are about to stab each other?

: Look, I can hardly be blamed if a wandering goat-



Oh for fuck's sake. The joke is that this is just like Dumbledore's brother Aberforth, who was arrested for "practicing inappropriate magic on a goat" because he was a goat fucker.





: All right, what exactly happened to this goat of yours?

: It was abominable! I've seen horrid misuses of magic in my time, but never -

: The spellbook contained a transcription error from an earlier-

: Aldebarth was a gentle creature, and so clever! Smarter than many of my students-



: Just like a married couple.

: ...



: My name is Inta Rume, Lady Espen. I've been admiring your lovely college.



: My title is Lady Espen, but you may call me Inta Rume. I've been taking a tour of the college.



: I am keenly interested in arcane lore, and as everyone knows, Wardenhaft's library is the best in the land.

: That is well and good, but we can't have any old soul stumbling in here and getting their dirty paw prints all over our rare works, hm? Excepting faculty - which you clearly are not and never will be - the library is restricted to students, or someone with a special dispensation.

: You could also enter as a guest of someone currently enrolled. I don't know whot's going to help you with that, unless I see Bjalla in my office in a state of extreme contrition.



: How would one apply for this dispensation?



: And? Can you find such a good reason?



Wow! Creativity!

: Rid us of these resilient rodents and I shall submit your dispensation forthwith.



Maybe if you hadn't done more damage to that fucking goat then you've ever done while in this party we wouldn't be in this situation.

: That's all? I can take care of your rat problem however I see fit?



Huh?

: Yes, if that's what needs to be done, I'll do it.

: Ugh. I feel sick.

Aren't you supposed to be a canny survivor?

: Godspeed.



Now we can go down to the sewer and talk to the giant rats.



: A talking rat. How did this happen? Were you cursed by some wicked sorcery?

Marie: Not precisely.

Marie: My little sister and brother and I were nosing about in the sewers and found a delicious syrup at the outflow of a drain. It must have been a magic potion, for soon after we grew much smarter, and now we're even able to communicate with big folk.

Why is there a manhole in the magic academy cellar?

Crumblick: Not that it's helped at all.

Beans: I miss my dolly!

Marie, Crumblick, and Beans. Consistency is hard. Did one of the developers have an ex named Marie they despised?



: You'll have to leave this cellar. Doesn't seem like much of a hardship, really.

Marie: But we can't go back to the sewer. We're orphans you see, and the other rats don't understand us now, they hate us.

Beans: And they're all so much bigger and uglier, and I've got a bad leg.



: You all need to calm down. Listen to me!



: The secret to surviving as a rat is to never stay in the same place long. Visit the kitchen and fill your bellies, then spend a couple days around the dorms. Later move to the dining hall, then the gardener's shed and so on. You get the idea. (Shady Dealings)



: You don't have to go back to the sewer, but there must be somewhere else that's safe and warm. What about the kitchen? (Bargain and Persuasion)

Marie: Yes... yes, it's not too far. I think that would work.

Beans: Do they have grain at the kit-shun?

Crumblick: Yes, they have all kinds of food there.

Beans: Hooray!

Marie: Thank you so much, Madam. I promise you won't ever see us again.

You know, we could stack the three of you in a trench coat and you'd be a more interesting party member than Siracca. Please?

Crumblick: As long as you don't ever visit the kitchen.



The rats disappear down the sewer manhole because consistency is hard but shitting out drunken ramblings about "Rothgor the devil-god" is easy.



: It is done. You shan't see those rats in the Wardenhaft cellar ever again.

: Excellent!

: Here is your dispensation. I had it prepared against your success.



: Whatever is going on between you two has nothing to do with me.

: Then I trust you need never bother me again.




Trials of the White Elves is the only thing we're allowed to take from the library.





Fucking riveting. I don't know why two tribes of not-snow-elves stayed with the guy who tried to genocide them because he wanted to play God, but I don't care. Let's get back to Bjalla and sow the seeds of an extremely stupid scene later on.



: Hello. You wanted to talk?

: Acquiring Trials of the White Elves was the first step. Thank you for helping me.



: I have to admit I'm impressed, first that you were able to learn anything about spellcraft from people like Mendelroth, and second that you're taking on Trials of the White Elves. I don't know if I've ever fought a beast so dense and intimidating as that tome.

I dunno game, it's written at maybe a seventh grade level? It's not trying to do anything literarily interesting and it fails to read as myth because it shits out a ton of extra words. It's certainly not an interesting story. A bunch of elves go to Ice Jail and then the Bad Man feels bad because he just wanted some friends.



Oh I guess she took that as hitting on her.




Bjalla levels up and we see a triumph of game design. Arcane Studies here powers up your Elevated energy spells, and the only casters that get it are wizards. Thus there is almost never a reason to use Siracca aside from an extremely dumb reason later that will progress directly from this quest.

It also means that the skills have exactly one right answer because one of the four increases your ability to dump out nukes and healing spells while the others do literally nothing. I can count the number of prodigy prompts I've encountered on one hand.



We go back to Tolbard and he gives us our expensive 350 gold ring for free.



A little boy comes up to us and calls us Lady. If we comment on it Hamlin gets pissy even though he explicitly asked to stay in the party so we can use our noble influence to protect him.

Weirdly of the party members I can think of, the two who are proudest of being commoners are the thief and the necromancer



Also the King summons us immediately by sending a small child instead of a royal guard detachment. Whatever! We give him 10 gold to drop GREED (unless you're going out of your way, the main drawback is that store prices go up) and wander back to the castle.



I cut the escort.



: Today I announce that by royal decree, Lady Inta Rume shall accompany an assemblage of diplomats and other wise friends of the crown to Deron-Guld and bear solemn witness as our most trusted and celebrated diplomat, Sir Gideon Rauche, extends the hand of peace to our deluded enemy.

: Lady Inta Rume enjoys my utmost confidence, so let no lord nor lady speak a word against her.

But, why? He literally called us a halfwit.

: Now go forth with the royal blessing and the full weight of my authority, brave messengers. Let no one stand if your path nor lead you astray from your duty. Stand brave and do the good work of Isilmerald and let a lasting and prosperous peace be the fruit of your noble efforts.



Somehow the King decides directly contradicting him is one hundred percent fine and doesn't deserve execution now.

Noble: At least it's no loss if she's killed.

Noble: What a joke.

Noble: Why not send them a basket of fruit? Would do as much good.

Noble: Like as not, Deron-Guld will send their heads back in a crate.





This immediately loads us into a new area.



The game wants you to pay attention to its dialog, but I want you to pay attention to the cart horses.



Oh no an evil mage and some robbers.



I really don't understand this diplomatic mission plotline at all. We get saddled with a comical idiot. It's not like we're a threat to the king because if we were he could have just...not raised us to nobility. He doesn't need a reason to crush the rebels because the rebels have literally scattered the corpses of his men all over the merchant's roads and committed an act the Record Keeper described as "an attack on the crown."

: Ah, but we are no mere bandits, milord. We represent a much greater power.

Rauche: What, are you ambushing travelers on behalf of Deron-Guld? Because that is exactly where we're headed.

: Enough! We're not thieves. We are here for you, sir. Lay down your arms and kneel before us and I offer you a swift death.

Has this ever worked?



: How are you different from bandits again?



: Right, but *why* do you want to kill everyone?

: Our god demands it. There will be no peace until Velianrick is thrown down and Isilmerald fallen.



Christ shut up.

Rauche: That is not how one goes about achieving peace, sir. Believe me, negotiation and compromise is my life's work.

You know, it's funny, because I remember a talk by Dennis Ross where he points out that the most important thing in negotiation is leverage, and we have absolutely none. Dennis Ross is a real life diplomat who worked for the US. These writers have never left a basement in their lives.

: Silence! It's a pity you will never witness the world that is to come, but it cannot be helped. Shoot.



: He's dead! Now to the rest. Kill every last one of them!

Rauche dies as he lived and then these guys die in like a minute.



No one told the modelers.

: What's the significance of the tattoo?



As soon as we get some hand of mercy and healing mist scrolls for Bjalla you are out of the party. Forever.


Anyway, we have the King's Missive. I'll go over it in detail next update, but it's basically "I want all your money and land in exchange for nothing because of GREEED! Also, no compromise!"





When I said pay attention to the horses it's because they're on a bizarre animation loop where they go from grazing on the dirt road to rearing up like this while having absolutely no reaction to the cultist battle. I really don't know why they did this, but I suspect it involves the Unity asset store.

Next Time Treason railroad! Choo CHOOO!