Part 6: Disregard the Monarch
Disregard the MonarchEggsAisle posted:
Between this and ATOM, which was the more unpleasant? From the LPs, Black Geyser seems a little smoother, but maybe it's entirely different in-game and like fuck am I shelling out for either one of these masterpieces. Just morbidly curious.
ATOM, 100%. Black Geyser is boring and stupid, but ATOM is viscerally unpleasant to play.
Welcome back! Last time I asked goons to opine on whether we should give Hamlin the possibly valued memento of our dead stepmother who we never met, and the general consensus was "eh, whatever, this is stupid." Therefore...
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We get a cutscene where Hamlin walks up to the painting, and the game fades to black before rerendering a new area sans the smokin hot Lady Espen.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Damn they fucked your house UP!
: Word!
: Hey that's the last painting of a master artist, your smokin hot stepmother! Real good art!
: Are you planning to steal it?
: Uh... I'm not not not not planning to steal it?
: Really? You came all this way to steal from me in front of my nose? Are you fucking serious?
: Well, real talk, I will fight to the actual death to keep this painting.
: Fuck it, why not.
Time to nope out of here and get back to the exciting fantasy adventure plot of delivering our real birth records.
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I guess we helped him in the blackout cutscene. Also not pictured: a random encounter with some scorpions and me misclicking the destination to the market town.
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I'm not an art expert, but don't you roll up paintings for transport? Or is he carrying the frame?
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I'm super confused because we literally have a document that says our mother is Clea somebody.
Did Rothgor the devil-god kill all the editors?
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Hey uh I'm gonna run off and deliver this heavy painting by myself in a totally not sketchy fashion. Be sure to pick me up before I fall too behind on XP!
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If you pick the bottom option he gets all snooty and starts whining about the value of bloodlines. I really don't know.
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We get a cutscene of a little kid running off.
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Oh, huh. Ok, the game kind of answers my question of "how do you know it's not a scam".
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That's good that he doesn't ask us to provide witnesses or anything.
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Scribe: I don't know about that. But I really don't think you should make him wait.
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Hey, here's my proof that I'm really a cool noblewoman instead of some peasant!
: Thank you, but I'm super disappointed. Boy! Go take this message. It turns out that the records of Lord Espen's house were the work of an "expert forger" who fucked up Lord Espen's seal, a copy of which I apparently just had lying around to check. You're the real heir.
: What about Aldnar?
: Aldnar did a treason so he's a peasant.
: So, what exactly do I have to do?
: Go see the king! He'll tell you! In fact, he just arranged an audience for you now!
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Fuck you.
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So, can we have them back? The entire point of nobility is that the nobles administer the things the king does not have the bureaucracy to administer.
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The house is also thoroughly wrecked and probably a money pit to rebuild.
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This sounds cool and like a great motivation to go out and do things for the king - you conquered Lord Treason Man's estate and now it's yours and you can do cool things.
This will never come up again.
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This is obviously a dumb fucking idea, but I'll show it off anyway.
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This aggros the entire royal guard.
The guard have swords that deal slashing damage.
Inta is immune to slashing damage.
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We don't have the spells to actually win this fight, and we get ground down by the royal guard even though honestly our companions should probably desert us around this point. I guess we earned them death sentences too?
It's kind of amazing they don't try to plead for mercy or leave or anything.
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This fight is actually winnable! The king himself wades into the melee and you can murderize his ass. From what I've read on the steam forums, this breaks the game as the main quest can't progress and the entire city goes hostile. Per the developers on said forums, you need to do the king's quest here to unlock the rest of the areas in the game.
It would have been entirely plausible for this to just end in a game over as you get cut down by bowmen in the rafters or something.
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The correct way to proceed is to kiss the king's ass.
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Having a noble title opens up a lot of shit and worst case scenario we can just marry a rich merchant or something.
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You know, I don't hate this line.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Oh, you're a rillow.
: I am a rillow, like my mother before me.
: Cleverly hidden in Espen's house. Anyway, I've received reports suggesting I make you a noble, and I'm going to do that. Isn't that great?
: What do I have to do?
: Well, you'd have to do a bunch of administrative stuff, such as paying taxes, governing, maintaining the roads on your lands, etc. but I STOLE YOUR HOUSE! IT'S MY HOUSE NOW, BITCH! If you'd shown up a day earlier before I attaindered Aldnar for being a traitor, you wouldn't have this problem, but now you don't even have your ruined family home you grew up in! Heeeeeee! Don't ask me for any handouts, uh, I need the ruined house to win the war.
: Eat a bag of DIIIIIIICKS!
: Execute her.
: This battle against the elite royal guard is surprisingly winnable, but it breaks the game. Reload! Uh, your majesty is very wise.
: In the name of Alnarius the most high I make you a cool noble lady.
: Woohoo!
: What a goddamn moron. Anyway, that's not gonna stop me making you a noble. There you go. Oh, go get a signet ring from the "coal eater", because I'm racist against dwarves now. Now PARTY!
: Eat my shit racist.
: What you say???
: Uh, I meant "take off every Zig".
: Oh cool. Bye!
So, King Velianrick has his own manual entry.
The manual posted:
King Velianrick is the steadfast ruler of Isilmerald. A fierce warrior in his youth, the man evolved into a shrewd and fearsome leader after taking the throne. His father, Sigismund, was the military mastermind who first consolidated the regions which now make up our nation.
Velianricks biggest accomplishment so far was to strengthen Isilmeralds forces and repel the advance of the Rillow, when many feared they would conquer the western lands as they did Zida-Suda. In addition to pushing the enemy back to their borders, Velianrick developed a nascent trading relationship with the easterners, exploiting their natural avarice to Isilmeralds advantage.
Wait if Rillow are naturally greedy, why are we resistant to the curse of greed? Granted, I'm cringing at "natural avarice" because that sounds suspiciously like anti-Semitic garbage that's not really the Rillow, they're a fucked up mishmash of Asian stereotypes. Alright, so that dwarf the king is talking about isn't just any dwarf, he's Tolbard the blacksmith, whom we've met. He also has a manual entry for some reason.
The manual strikes back posted:
The Dwarven Blacksmith of Isilbright is something of a legend in the kingdom, and by many called the greatest craftsman of the realm. Tolbard is personally responsible for the design and forging of the armor and weapons of the Brightguard the Kings chosen military officers, who also act as his bodyguard as well as Velianrick himself. He is also one of the few who knows how to smelt and create alloy from super-hard Rilvite ore, which he uses to craft the war golems used by the mages of Wardenhaft. Unsurprisingly, the smith is not known for his patience or kindness. A gruff, uncompromising fellow, Tolbard is a perfect specimen of his race focused on his craft above all else, with no time for palaver or japery.
So yes, Tolbard is a super hard core craftsman who personally armed the king, his bodyguard unit, and knows how to make war golems. The king basically did the equivalent of calling him the n-word in front of a court that's supposed to be full of intrigue. If Tolbard went over to the rebels - who, remember, control the kingdom's mines - he could probably personally shit out enough war golems to turn the tide of the war. The game is trying to make it seem like Velianrick was a cool king who got cursed by the evil gods and is now a raving moron because he does shit like this.
Of course the manual throws in fucking racial determinism.
Moving on!
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These guys are trying to fix a golem but then swear at us when we tell them we're not good golem fixers.
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This guy shows up as we leave.
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For what it's worth I legitimately didn't know there was a Rillow war until I reread the manual. That seems... kind of important?
Fengrir: I hope we do, milady.
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We can of course shoot off our mouth like a damn moron but I'm not going to do that. The blacksmith at the Garden (spoilers) has armor and weapon upgrades we could use to get Inta and Helgenhar to that critical "immune to weapons" threshold.
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Fengrir: And to you, milady.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
Fengrir: Hey, fellow RIllow! Congrats on being nobility, and I'd like to invite you to visit the Garden of Delights, which is our wacky collection of tents that is either a city or an outpost or uh something.
: Sure.
Fengrir: But also, look out for Siracca, because she's a traitor! She sucks! Sucks sucks suckity SUCKS!
: Ok, bye!
: Why do these people hate me so much, even though I take every opportunity to denigrate them and their culture that I abandoned? It couldn't possibly be...
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I take the opportunity to rest at an in. I have no idea what hiring guards does - do you get jumped at an inn? Do I want to know?
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Tolbard apparently didn't hear that the king is saying racist shit about him.
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But... wait. The kingdom is at war and he's the guy responsible for all the weapons of the royal guard and golems. I assume "business is slow" is a lie, right?
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Huh? The Crooked Haggler is where we picked up Bjalla and made those guys wet their pants.
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Oh, you want a ring? Sure, as the premier weaponsmith of this kingdom at war, business is slow, so I'll just make you an expensive gold ring for absolutely free! What do you mean, what's my motivation, or that there's a legit goldsmith in Greybark Square? Wheeeeeeee!
I'm serious! The last time we talked to this guy we made fun of him for saying "ho" and the manual claims he's not one for japery! It's not like you can't gate the main quest behind raising money, Baldur's Gate 2 literally did that by having the Shadow Thieves charge you an exorbitant sum to help them win their gang war.
After wandering around pointlessly the psychic journal updates to tell us Hamlin is back.
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Good job turning down the armed escort, idiot.
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I honestly kinda regret not hitting on Hamlin here because this game's romance - the one romance I saw - had me and my friends on Discord in stitches about how stupid it was.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Aww man! I got the shit beaten out of me and those fuckers stole my painting!
: RIP.
: Hey! Anyway, now that you're a noblewoman can I join you again? I could use the protection.
: Sure, why not.
So, I had a spiel about how Hamlin's quest line wasn't finished, but it turns out they added the resolution in a patch. Whether we can finish it is an open question, because in my test playthrough the game bugged out and repeated this dialog in Act 4.
However, remember how Fjora told us to come back later for Helgenhar's quest?
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That's it! We finished Helgenhar's entire quest line already! I went back to Fjora just before hitting the final boss and it's not done yet, and it turns out that's the entirety of Helgenhar's quest. Why?
The game is still in active development and it honestly looks like the developers are still desperately trying to add things to make this seem like a real game.
It's telling! If you go over to the Steam forums the devs are constantly promising - and to be fair, are delivering on - that they're going to add more features such as strongholds, more companion quests, less tedious quests, etc. Of course, we're about to do a companion quest that fucks us over hard later and the main quest that is supposedly "complete" makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Onward!
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We have the opportunity to go beat up people for Baflodac (*snicker*) but then I realize it's a Black Geyser sidequest and even the devs admit they suck. Now, this raises the question of "why have them?" Masquerada: Songs and Shadows is an isometric RPG that keeps you pretty well on the rails and doesn't have any sidequests at all, and it's legitimately a good game. There are a lot of sidequests in Black Geyser. If they had cut them down to a few interesting sidequests it would have been a lot better than tripping over some dude who needs 20 bear asses and promises to pay you in GREED.
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We have to fuck around until the ring is ready so I chat up Bjalla here.
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Wait, I thought Hamlin's achievement was "the shady one"?
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Wait, you're a student? I thought you were supposed to be an infamous archmage?
Earlier in the game posted:
Huh. I guess "Darling of the Court" isn't the same as court mage.
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Alright, it's time to go do dumb bullshit to salvage Bjalla's ego. Remember, this court darling joined us as a level 3 dumbass despite being supposedly infamous.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Hey, Bjalla, got any cool plans?
: Actually, I need a favor. It's totally above board and legit!
: Uh, ok, what is it?
: I need you to circumvent my library ban at Wardenhaft, where I'm studying like a nerd.
: Guess I'll walk in and find the book.
: No, you have to be a student or faculty.
: What am I supposed to do?
: Idk, steal it?
: Sure, why not.
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Siracca is still a buzzkill.
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"This is the Guild of Thieves, sometimes called the Thieves Guild".
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Why is "woman" capitalized? This isn't the only time the game does this. I navigate back up through menus to end the conversation.
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Aww man! This sucks!
: Why did you want the painting anyway?
: I was going to be a full thief and get money! Bawww!
: Uh... where are you from?
: I used to live in the woods, but I came to the city because I LOOOVE stealing shit!
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The librarian won't let us in and we can't sneak in because of the sword ghosts. I will say the sword ghosts are kind of neat.
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A patch added bags of holding, which I need to grind for so we can loot all the things.
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This is the guy we need to see about Bjalla's thing.
Are you ready for a Harry Potter reference?
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Oh for fuck's sake. The joke is that this is just like Dumbledore's brother Aberforth, who was arrested for "practicing inappropriate magic on a goat" because he was a goat fucker.
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Wow! Creativity!
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Maybe if you hadn't done more damage to that fucking goat then you've ever done while in this party we wouldn't be in this situation.
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Huh?
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Aren't you supposed to be a canny survivor?
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Now we can go down to the sewer and talk to the giant rats.
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Marie: Not precisely.
Marie: My little sister and brother and I were nosing about in the sewers and found a delicious syrup at the outflow of a drain. It must have been a magic potion, for soon after we grew much smarter, and now we're even able to communicate with big folk.
Why is there a manhole in the magic academy cellar?
Crumblick: Not that it's helped at all.
Beans: I miss my dolly!
Marie, Crumblick, and Beans. Consistency is hard. Did one of the developers have an ex named Marie they despised?
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Marie: But we can't go back to the sewer. We're orphans you see, and the other rats don't understand us now, they hate us.
Beans: And they're all so much bigger and uglier, and I've got a bad leg.
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Marie: Yes... yes, it's not too far. I think that would work.
Beans: Do they have grain at the kit-shun?
Crumblick: Yes, they have all kinds of food there.
Beans: Hooray!
Marie: Thank you so much, Madam. I promise you won't ever see us again.
You know, we could stack the three of you in a trench coat and you'd be a more interesting party member than Siracca. Please?
Crumblick: As long as you don't ever visit the kitchen.
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The rats disappear down the sewer manhole because consistency is hard but shitting out drunken ramblings about "Rothgor the devil-god" is easy.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: What do you want, I'm super busy.
: Mendelroth!
: Bjalla!
: What kind of dumb bullshit are you saddling me with now?
: She blew up my goat Aberforth! He was my best friend! I'm a Harry Potter reference to that goat fucking dude!
: It's not my fault! He just wandered by into the nuclear blast spell that I will never be able to cast when the player has control of me! I guess I am a vapid rich girl now!
: Ok, I am a noblewoman and need access to the library.
: I know! Because I was written in a fit of divine creativity I need you to go kill all the rats in the cellar! Boy, am I glad the writers literally have never consumed any fiction outside of 1 playthrough of Baldur's Gate!
: We're intelligent talking rats! Are your expectations subverted, player? Isn't this creative, that we're engaging with the trope of lazy game developers?
: Fuck you, you haven't earned this! Go to the kitchens and think about your decisions! Hey weird goat guy, can I get the library pass now?
: Yes, but first Bjalla must apologize.
: Not my problem byyyyyye!
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Trials of the White Elves is the only thing we're allowed to take from the library.
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Fucking riveting. I don't know why two tribes of not-snow-elves stayed with the guy who tried to genocide them because he wanted to play God, but I don't care. Let's get back to Bjalla and sow the seeds of an extremely stupid scene later on.
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I dunno game, it's written at maybe a seventh grade level? It's not trying to do anything literarily interesting and it fails to read as myth because it shits out a ton of extra words. It's certainly not an interesting story. A bunch of elves go to Ice Jail and then the Bad Man feels bad because he just wanted some friends.
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Oh I guess she took that as hitting on her.
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Thank you for helping me with that book.
: I'm impressed you're able to derive any value from that boring ass lore shit.
: You are an insightful person. Maybe you can carry this heavy three-page tome for me because I'm a mage and dumped str!
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Bjalla levels up and we see a triumph of game design. Arcane Studies here powers up your Elevated energy spells, and the only casters that get it are wizards. Thus there is almost never a reason to use Siracca aside from an extremely dumb reason later that will progress directly from this quest.
It also means that the skills have exactly one right answer because one of the four increases your ability to dump out nukes and healing spells while the others do literally nothing. I can count the number of prodigy prompts I've encountered on one hand.
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We go back to Tolbard and he gives us our expensive 350 gold ring for free.
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A little boy comes up to us and calls us Lady. If we comment on it Hamlin gets pissy even though he explicitly asked to stay in the party so we can use our noble influence to protect him.
Weirdly of the party members I can think of, the two who are proudest of being commoners are the thief and the necromancer
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Also the King summons us immediately by sending a small child instead of a royal guard detachment. Whatever! We give him 10 gold to drop GREED (unless you're going out of your way, the main drawback is that store prices go up) and wander back to the castle.
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I cut the escort.
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But, why? He literally called us a halfwit.
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Somehow the King decides directly contradicting him is one hundred percent fine and doesn't deserve execution now.
Noble: At least it's no loss if she's killed.
Noble: What a joke.
Noble: Why not send them a basket of fruit? Would do as much good.
Noble: Like as not, Deron-Guld will send their heads back in a crate.
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This immediately loads us into a new area.
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The game wants you to pay attention to its dialog, but I want you to pay attention to the cart horses.
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Oh no an evil mage and some robbers.
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I really don't understand this diplomatic mission plotline at all. We get saddled with a comical idiot. It's not like we're a threat to the king because if we were he could have just...not raised us to nobility. He doesn't need a reason to crush the rebels because the rebels have literally scattered the corpses of his men all over the merchant's roads and committed an act the Record Keeper described as "an attack on the crown."
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Rauche: What, are you ambushing travelers on behalf of Deron-Guld? Because that is exactly where we're headed.
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Has this ever worked?
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Christ shut up.
Rauche: That is not how one goes about achieving peace, sir. Believe me, negotiation and compromise is my life's work.
You know, it's funny, because I remember a talk by Dennis Ross where he points out that the most important thing in negotiation is leverage, and we have absolutely none. Dennis Ross is a real life diplomat who worked for the US. These writers have never left a basement in their lives.
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Rauche dies as he lived and then these guys die in like a minute.
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No one told the modelers.
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As soon as we get some hand of mercy and healing mist scrolls for Bjalla you are out of the party. Forever.
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: All right, Inta Rume is totally cool, so I'm sending her to escort this peace envoy to go negotiate with the Deron-Guld badmen. No one say anything bad about Inta Rume, because she has my full support and I'm the motherfucking king who can have you dumbasses attaindered and killed.
: Inta Rume sucks!!!!
: Eh, whatever. Scene transition!
: We... are bad men! And we... are cultists! Prepare to die!
: Nooo! I am an ineffectual unfunny diplomat cariacature!
: What the fuck is the point of this time wasting crap?
: Our god demands it! You must die!
: Satan is bad!
: Kill them!
: And with a whine, I die.
:
: Look! They have black eyes, not the glowing red eyes they're modeled with! Also a tattoo I know nothing about because I'm fucking useless!
Anyway, we have the King's Missive. I'll go over it in detail next update, but it's basically "I want all your money and land in exchange for nothing because of GREEED! Also, no compromise!"
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When I said pay attention to the horses it's because they're on a bizarre animation loop where they go from grazing on the dirt road to rearing up like this while having absolutely no reaction to the cultist battle. I really don't know why they did this, but I suspect it involves the Unity asset store.
Next Time Treason railroad! Choo CHOOO!