Part 8: Transcendence
TranscendenceWelcome back! Last time on Black Geyser, we underwent a terrible liberation from the constraints of such vulgar things as "consistent characterization", "a coherent plot", and of course "good prose" as the game decided we were going to work for Lord Frelsi, the man leading the rebellion that killed our father.
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We're back in Deron-Guld, and our instructions are to meet up with a poorly defined "friend" of Lord Frelsi's. I go shopping offscreen instead.
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People in the thread have been trying to come up with ways to fix the game and I'll be honest, I don't think you can. I was working on a "can we fix it" post myself.
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There are just too many disjointed attempts at narrative threads that kind of explain what the game is going for but are scattered all over the game and compendium. For example, it's kind of clear - if you read the manual and paid attention during the Treason Meeting at the beginning - the king was a good king until he was cursed. The game has no way to convey this, so he just comes across as an irrational power-tripping dickhead who mocks you while stealing your house.
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I think the reason we're supposed to be doing all of this is because Lord Frelsi told us he'd negotiate with the king if we did all of this, but the problem is that Lord Frelsi doesn't have any leverage anymore and this is treason. We could just leave. We did that last update.
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Of course, the game clumsily shoehorns us into going back and doing Frelsi's nonsense because the king literally never updated after the Rauche update. Not only is it lazy, it immediately snaps the player out of the game as nothing feels real. Characters don't behave like real people, they behave like, well...
The Illuminatus Trilogy posted:
Joe Malik suddenly began laughing. Ive got it, he cried, Ive got it!
What have you got? Hagbard asked tensely, concerned with Leviathan.
Were in a book!
What do you mean?
Come off it, Hagbard. You cant kid me, and you certainly wont fool the reader at this point. He knows damn well were in a book. Joe laughed again. Thats why Miss Portinaris explanation of the Tarot deck just slipped by with a half-hour seeming to vanish. The author didnt want to break the narrative there.
What the fucks he talking about? Harry Coin asked.
Dont you see? Joe cried. Look at that thing out there. A gigantic sea monster. Worse yet, a gigantic sea monster that talks. Its an intentional high-camp ending. Or maybe intentional low camp, I dont know. But thats the whole answer. Were in a book!
Why did we defect to Lord Frelsi? Because the writers made us do it. Why was there a Treason Meeting in front of the Royal Guard? Because the writers made them do it. Why does the king execute us, but not the nobles blatantly defying him in front of the entire court? Because the writers made him do it.
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They spent a bunch of time recording voice lines for all these characters instead of cohering their narrative. Frelsi's Friend here is just as nonsensical as the rest of them.
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Now, this kind of makes sense because Inta Rume got elevated by the king and publicly sent as an emissary, but we keep having to triple-check every statement made by any one of these characters - not because they're necessarily lying, but because everything is contradictory nonsense.
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This is about to get real stupid.
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This is idiotic. Remember, Lord Frelsi didn't give us a description at all, and the only way we identify him is - you guessed it - hovering over him looking for the moniker of "Frelsi's friend".
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Well, yes. Gabriel Prosser and Gabriel Lorca are two different people, but Gabriel Prosser is distinguished by the rest of the Prossers by his first name and also his 2 ton steel balls. Joking aside, that is how names work - it's a classification system! I don't understand what this dumbass is rambling about, and because nothing in this game is coherent or makes sense it's unclear what we're supposed to take this as. Is this supposed to be the insight of a master spy realizing that a name can hide anything, or is he a blundering incompetent trying to impress us and failing?
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There's also the little matter that in the city ruled by Lord Frelsi everyone claims to be Lord Frelsi's friend, because that's where the power is. Is Lord Aldnar Frelsi's friend? He could fit the description. What about, I dunno, Lady Solveig?
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They are desperately trying to invoke someone like Varys from George RR Martin's works but it just fails. You know who this guy actually reminds me of? Jordan Peterson rambling about how women are chaos or some shit.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Hello, Lady Espen. I am a mysterious spy man and have heard all about you!
: Do you have a name or something?
: No. See those two men at the bar? They're both named Gabriel. That means names mean nothing, because you could have 2 Annes! You could use their surname, but that doesn't count because of, um, chaos. But me, being Lord Frelsi's friend, that makes me indistinguishable from everyone else who lives in this city and wants to be Lord Frelsi's friend! Duh!
: Ok, that doesn't make any sense and you sound like a moron, so do you have a quest for me or something?
: I got a warning from a little bird that there's a bunch of bullshit in the mines, so you need to check it out.
: Can you tell me what the bullshit is?
: Uhhh. No.
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We could go to the mines, but I have a better idea. Does Aldnar have any special dialog for us?
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I yoink this quest item in the process, because let's be real, Lord Aflark was probably a traitor and I would also like to burn all the nobles in this city.
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Lord Frelsi is teaching this maid to read, which is interesting and characterizes him as someone who might almost be sympathetic to elevating the common folk, but this never comes up again.
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It's not perfect, but who knows.
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Shut the fuck up traitor.
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That's it. That's all he has to say. It's voice acted and everything, but given the other lords were giving him tacit approval to carry out his quarrel we can't provoke him or challenge him to a duel or anything.
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So i give the order to fuck him up.
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Aldnar has an extremely stupid role to play in the plot, so these "Deron-Guld Elite" guards literally just teleport in in groups of three.
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I'm pretty sure killing Aldnar here rendered us unable to finish the game, but we avenged Lord Espen and saved all the other morons in this city
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The game then spawns what are, as far as I can tell, infinite waves of teleporting guards.
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There are two warriors and a cleric. The cleric does bludgeoning damage and the warriors deal slashing damage that Inta is immune to. Thus I literally left the game running to go feed Lugosi the cat and when I got back the battle was still going.
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I get that gameplay isn't going to mirror story 100%, but if you have infinity teleporting elite guards why can't you spare people to go into the mines again?
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Oh wait, I forgot they put this on both the cleric and spellweavers' class spell list despite them both getting regular healing. Bleh.
Anyway, I missed a screenshot of the journal, but the game claims Frelsi's friend was unable to tell us what is in the mines. Keep this in mind.
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Bjalla wants to chat about her thing. This WILL fuck us later but I do it anyway.
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The achievement for completing Bjalla's quest is "The Destined".
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We were literally just at the Hall of Records. The Record Keeper is your friend. Are you telling me that despite having a dwarf expert they don't have anyone on - I refuse to type that proper noun - snow elves?
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Why a wise old woman? Why not a sage of any gender, or a young researcher traveling back from the snow elf lands, or a mystic who can comm - fuck it.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: My psychic journal told me you wanted to talk. Did you find anything from that book on elves we had to talk to those rats for?
: Uh, a little. I'm researching this magical hat I found.
: A magic hat, huh? Where'd you get it?
: I literally tripped over it in the snow. You can see it in my character portrait! It summons a three eyed wolf I can't control, but the wolf helped me survive when I had to get exiled because... uh... the writers MADE me exiled! Anyway, we need to find a wise old woman, because if you identify as a man you can't be a wolf expert! DUH!
: You know, that's not the stupidest thing I've heard today.
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These guys are leaving because the mines aren't producing any more and they don't have any jobs. It's amazing how neither us nor Bjalla - another noble who owes her position to the King - come up with the idea of just fucking leaving and waiting the rebellion out.
Also did you notice that commoners almost never get names in this game?
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This guy became undead via GREED and then attacks us and dies. We loot all his treasure.
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Oh, Aldnar is responsible for leading the armies? Frelsi said he did that and that there have been no major victories. Is Frelsi lying to us? Aldnar certainly hasn't come off as a cunning man, we literally owned him as soon as we stepped into the War Council.
Aldnar as soon as we insult him posted:
: You- How- I ought to-!
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Having looted the undead guy we accuse this looter of murder and he attacks us, dies, and drops armor for Hamlin.
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Welcome to the first dungeon of Black Geyser!
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Some people might remember how Baldur's Gate 1 had a plot point where you had to go into the iron mines to stop the bad men from sabotaging it, and here we are going into the iron mines to stop the bad men from sabotaging it.
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This is a dumb puzzle I'll be back to in a bit.
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This guy is a friendly talking ghoul.
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He wants us to kill all the necromancers and ghouls in the mine and bring him their hearts.
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Well shit for a magic weapon you can have as many dead Black Geyser NPCs as you like. They'll go to a better world where basic logic works.
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The mine is, of course, infested with necromancers and ghouls.
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Unfortunately to open the door we need to do the melon puzzle.
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Bjalla is our resident melon expert apparently. Get your mind out of the gutter.
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You're not making it easy with that last sentence!
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Symbolic like a metaphor huh.
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I will never interact with that fucking alchemy system and you can't make me, devs!
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Suddenly, a third person narrator out of nowhere!
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The correct order is 6 -> 4 -> 5 -> 3 as I recall, it's supposed to mimic the seasons and I really do not care. Skipping ahead as all we're missing is "the plant is happy"
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It doesn't matter what you do here.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Hey, Bjalla, you're the melon expert. What do I do with this melon?
: Oh, you manipulate that melon until it's pliable. It wants metaphoric seasonal rituals, mmmm.
: Alright, I Vivaldi this shit.
: The plant sighs and you have a big melon!
: Aw yeah I'm manipulating this melon! Bjalla, watch me manipulate this big melon!
: Damn this melon is goood! Also, you got a runestone!
We can now go through the door of evil magic and reach the lower level of the mines.
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It is also filled with ghouls and traps.
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There are fanatical cultists who suffer an elephant related accident and get a personal audience with their god.
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These necromancers summon more ghouls to harass us. It's very annoying and they die for it.
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There are a bunch of weird blood cauldrons and I don't understand why they're here other than to be spooky.
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Aside from the necromancers most everyone down here is an autoattack moron.
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Somehow the quest concludes despite there still being an entire boss encounter full of hearts left.
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This is the answer that gets you the reward AND dodges greed! See, you brought him all those hearts because you were friends! It's not greedy at all!
If anyone wants to see Inta go more greedy I'm happy to oblige, but I'm holding off on a vote until we get to one more incoherent plot point.
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This is a hint for a future quest I believe. I skipped most of the sidequests for obvious reasons.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Hey, here's that bag of human hearts you wanted.
: THIS IS DELICIOUS!
: That was pretty gross, but I did it because we are friends. You hear that, GREED meter? Friends, NOT greed!
: Yea that's cool have this magical ritual knife I may or may not have implied was a useful weapon kthx bye.
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Sadly this is not a weapon and we cannot use a cool sacrificial knife to kill our enemies.
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Time for PLOT!
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Lady it's a fuckin mine.
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I want to remind you that this is literally a sanctuary filled with blood cauldrons of dead people. I have no idea what she's supposed to be babbling about, because so far all she's done is destruction and disruption.
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Huh? I'm very confused now. What are her purposes? Is she targeting specific people? No. Are you with the guys who attacked us on the road? You dress the same. No.
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Of course, we can't ask questions like "do you know anything about the plague", "why are you in this plagued city looking for sacrificial victims", "why are you here", "what does Zoria want", "can you help me avoid getting railroaded by Lord Frelsi", or "did Zoria kill the editors".
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But... why do you need blood? Is Zoria one of those Aztec deities who needs blood to live? I, uh, don't think so, but who knows with this game.
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Welcome to the sanctuary of Zoria! You adventurers know nothing of creation, or holy places, or me! You can only destroy, unlike me, a woman who has been sitting here murdering people to throw them into a blood bowl for, uh, reasons!
: Are you causing the plague with these super unhygienic blood bowls? That's really fucking disgusting!
: No! Zoria cares not for disease, only death! For... reasons!
: So have you been kidnapping people in the night?
: Yes! For human sacrifice! I don't even understand why!
: The developers have told me I can't ask any more useful questions.
: Then let's fight!
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This fight is actually a pretty nasty wakeup call if you're not paying attention. I actually went and did some shopping before coming back here, which is why Inta is carrying the Widowmaker 2-hander instead of her usual sword and board.
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The first order of business is to shit summons everywhere. There are no arbitrary limits on how many critters you can have out at a time, so we dump a bunch of wolves and spiders into the chokepoint.
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The AI loves targeting summons, so here you can see that one of our little spiders has been hit by a confusion effect that would be devastating if it went off on a PC.
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Bjalla drops a fireball on the losers. It does very little damage.
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Siracca nails the Tattered Woman with a Mindbreak spell, confusing her. The game does not hand out a lot of area effect crowd control so we can only get the Tattered Woman, but I am reluctantly forced to concede that Siracca can be useful.
I'm still dumping her when we get the chance.
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From there it's just a matter of mopping up and stabbing all the bad people.
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We get this presumably holy book.
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This is actually foreshadowing. We of course have absolutely no context for this and when we do get context the existence of this book will make absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.
For what it's worth, the Goddess of Greed is named "Zornilsa" and you should absolutely not confuse the two.
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Also we got the bloodfoam stone for those mutually exclusive fetch quests. If anyone cares comment, otherwise it's going to the witch.
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This Zoria titan didn't aggro for reasons so we murder it.
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It drops a foot we need for... you guessed it! Another fetch quest!
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I've beaten the game and know the whole plot so I don't understand why they are doing this.
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That's a stretch. All she said was she was sacrificing them, does that mean turning them into ghouls?
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Wait, what?
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You KNEW? Also, what's this about dreams?
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Wait, were you trying to get us killed by sending us in without warning us about ghouls and necromancers? Why? You realize that if the party had died down there there would be five more ghouls in the army of evil, right?
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Did you tell them there was a vague threat and it turned out to be necromancers?
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But wait, there's more!
The last update posted:
I thought you didn't have the soldiers to investigate this! I know at least one of the mercenaries lives in Deron-Guld, if you don't have the manpower to do this how were you able to dispatch these men? Was this before the rebellion and plague started?
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This next part of the main quest has to be seen to be believed.
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TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: There were a bunch of necromancers and ghouls and shit that were in some sort of cult murdering people to turn them into ghouls.
: Yeah, I knew that, but didn't bother to tell you because I'm fucking stupid. It's the cult of Zoria, they are returning with their filth and their wicked dreams and Zoria's sexy hot body I -, uh, it's a big cult out there. Anyway, despite Lord Frelsi saying we don't have the men to deal with this - despite me somehow knowing the disposition of the mine enemies and not telling people - I need you to go to a vineyard and tell me what happened to our missing mercenaries. Ta-ta!
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The warriors level up and I decide there's only so much Black Geyser a man can tolerate in one sitting.
Next Time: Cursed weapons? In MY badly made RPG?