Part 12: Nerd Bait

Nerd Bait

Welcome back! Last time on Black Geyser, we spoke with Matriarch Alumu who concluded that as a person who absolutely hadn't done any treason we were the absolute best emissary to get the king to lower taxes while the citizens of Traitor Town, who as far as I can tell were dragged into the war by the nobility to ensure more privileges, all died of plague.

Today we're going to pick up our second option for picking your favorite imaginary woman to pretend to have sex with.



Anyway, we're at Amanuel's Hoard because Alumu told us it would be a great place to establish a stronghold, but also her second in command told us no one had ever returned because it was inhabited by an ancient evil lord who succumbed to GREED.



It does raise the question of whether Alumu is trying to get the party killed.



Granted, I think this is giving the writers far too much credit, but it's not like they've thought out anything so far.



One of the huge problems, in addition to the lack of consistency, incoherent motivation, and general unwillingness to do the work is that the writers are trying to cram in a bunch of events without considering anything like "pacing" or whether this is something that the story should try to address.



The whole thing with proving our heritage easily could have been an entire adventure that was more than one pointless dungeon crawl, but it went by so trivially that nothing happened. The civil war is going nowhere. Going over to Deron-Guld should have been a big choice that the game should at least try to present a reason for rather than railroading us into helping Lord Frelsi.



The thread is pointing out nothing happened and it certainly feels that way because the game is giving weight to absolutely nothing. To wit:
-Our home was attacked and everyone was killed by Aldnar the bad man.
-We met a magical crone who was probably Tilindia the mother-god and the game dropped the ball hard on actually making her impressive or mysterious.
-We earned ourselves a noble title, not because of anything we did, but because of who our father secretly was, and also because the gods of Yerengal apparently wanted to shield us?
-The king picked us as an emissary to Deron-Guld because he wanted to make the point that he can revoke all the noble titles, and sent us with a terrible diplomat with no authority.
-Said diplomat was killed in an ambush by the cult of an evil god and the ambush was never mentioned again.
-We were reunited with Aldnar, a moment that had absolutely no dramatic weight whatsoever, as we were immediately invited to conspire with Lord Frelsi.
-We were railroaded into helping Lord Frelsi's spymaster gain control of the city via murdering undesirables and time travel.
-We were then sent to go negotiate with the kingdom's old enemies/trading partners to go get help for the plague ravaging Deron-Guld.

Many of these things could have an entire game made around it. Can we survive court politics with a title we don't deserve and no experience of intrigue? Are we actually going to get our deserved revenge on Aldnar? Could we actually have done a competent job at diplomacy if given any real authority or latitude? Who knows? It's a lot of stuff, but the game is frantically speeding through it all to get to the next vague setpiece with no regards as to whether this actually coheres into a real story someone might enjoy experiencing.



Heck, look at this sidequest. We're not here because we heard Amanuel had a vast hoard of wealth we'd really like to have, we're here because Alumu told us it could be turned into a stronghold. Now, there's actually a prior hint of this in the game:


Notice that Velianrick says we can have any lands we capture from the enemy. Now, Amanuel presumably isn't aligned with either the Deron-Guld rebellion OR the king, so who the fuck knows? We certainly don't have the soldiers needed to garrison the place.



If we did, as a coastal fortress we'd have a pretty useful stronghold to declare the New Kingdom of Espen or whatever, because we can resupply the fort by sea, interdict naval trade for sweet tax money, and hole up in the fortress and tell the king to go fuck himself unless he wants a two-front war.



This never comes up. Like I said, Black Geyser is a vague collection of things that seem "cool" but are vaguely strung together to make no sense. Why is the table set for a feast? Are we going to talk or in any way interact with Lord Amanuel? No, except some pre-battle GREED choices.



The dining room is infested with traps. In fact, the whole place is infested with traps. Now, wizards can disarm magic traps in this game, but you will never do this because it cuts into their spell slots. Hope you didn't murder Hamlin!



This place is also insanely loaded. Tons of magic items - including replacements for nearly everything we lost in the time travel idiocy - unique armors, the best greatshield in the game....



There's also this crap that requires us to uncurse it, but meh. We are going to walk out of here with stupid amounts of money.



This is not the awful dungeon full of mages I was thinking of, thank Christ. There's a "skeleton chef" in the kitchen who gets unceremoniously murdered.



There are three floors to this place, not including the feasthall Of No Plot Relevance.



I won't bore you with the details of combat. Suffice to say that Inta takes very little physical damage, and if we need more firepower I can have Bjalla and Sea Hag shit random animals everywhere.



I will point out these assholes with the green breath. These are suicide bombers that apparently vomit into people's faces and die because they were super greedy. I don't know why, but they do "Poison and Acid" damage instead of physical so they can meaningfully hurt the warriors.



There are a shocking amount of magical weapons that are just downright shitty. I know Baldur's Gate had +1 weapons of every shape imaginable, but they didn't have a whole writeup about how the Templars blessed the mace in the name of Alnarius and it didn't do anything cool because the king-god sucks.



We will grab 3 of these over the course of this dungeon, handily replacing the 2 or 3 we lost in the land of moronic time travel.



Meet Jade.



: Here, let me remove this gag...



: How did you end up like this? (Bargain and Persuasion)



: Go on.



: Strange place to take a nap.



: How can I get you down?



: It... sounds like you've done this before.



: I'm on it.



:: What do you do, Jade? I assume you're some kind of adventurer. (Bargain and Persuasion)

: Indeed. I'm a spellcaster of the sort who dabbles in the recently dead, or walking-around-groaning-but-not-dead. Also called the undead.



Helgenhar is correct, because his questline is over and we haven't seen Jade's.

: You're a necromancer!



Now, Lord Espen will seriously pay good money for his secret heir to become a necromancer, and the game is clear that necromancers are not evil. Then again, the character creation screen also says wizards can create golems at high levels, and the developers posted on the steam forums that that's not in the game and part of DLC.

: What brought you to Amanuel's Hoard, Jade?



You'd think this would be a warning sign that Jade is corrupted by GREED, but she never evinces a desire for material possessions again.

: Would you like to assist us in clearing out the hoard?



God damn devs, you're not even trying to disguise how idiotically arbitrary this is, are you?



Having strategically stripped Helg of his valuables we boot him out of the party for the smokin hot and newly single Jade.






Jade is mechanically really good. She's a wizard who can learn most of the staples, but really shines shitting out hordes of skeletons. Of course, Bjalla can also shit out hordes of skeletons and has a higher arcane studies stat. Honestly, they're both kind of crap compared to a player mage with max supernatural, but being able to lay down a swathe of AoE destruction with two or three mages is pretty useful for the fights you don't just have your fighter solo with physical immunity.



Speaking of, Inta is really close to getting fully physical immune with a two-handed weapon.



As one of the few companions with an actually complete questline (the others are Bjalla and Hamlin) Jade has things to say.

: Tell me something about yourself.



: What are you good at?






This is found in the barrel next to Jade.



I really don't want to know or contemplate what this implies. Stay classy, Black Geyser!



Jade is also stuck with this thing, which is cursed and cannot be removed.





Anyway, back to the dungeon.



Jade is kind of interesting in that she's not some aspiring dark tyrant or annoying antihero muttering about paying evil unto evil, she's just a colossal disaster.



More loading screens.



The vault is a boring land of repetitive undead encounters, acid rain traps, and excessive amounts of magic armor and weapons that are mostly garbage.



This blood pool spell slows us so these suicide idiots can explode all over Inta. This is probably dangerous on higher difficulties, but on Classic I just don't care.



I wish I had more insightful commentary here, but it's a big slog.



The dungeon is kind enough to drop best in slot items for Jade.



These used to be called "Archmage Robes" until a recent patch, hilariously enough.



This looks really cool but can only be used once. This game is full of bad ideas and this is no exception. For what it's worth, we got one.



You will never use this.



The fights are still grindy and we can rest after each one.



Finally, we make it to... Jade's evil ex-boyfriend! Dunh dunh dunh!



This seems like it could have some real significance for Jade's character but it's thrown in willy nilly with no real meaning. Thus we get the dullest possible resolution.

: This is your ex, who fastened you to that bizarre contraption?

: Why did you leave me there, Elyx? I thought we were playing a lighthearted game, but after the first few hours, I began to have doubts. And severe muscle cramps.

: You are an intruder. Intruders must be destroyed. The lord commands it.

But wait? Weren't you an intr- fuck it.



...that's not ghosting, for one, and that is extremely modern terminology.

: Jade, don't you think it's time you let go of this one?

: Yes, all right. We can go. Goodbye, Elyx. I hope you find peace, somehow.

: Intruders must die!




A better game would use this moment to characterize Jade as kinda self-absorbed and maybe not someone who should be in a relationship at all. Jade is going to suffer from the same problem as Sea Hag, where she has potentially interesting things going on that the game will never actually do anything with.



We throw a bunch of summons at the fight and it dies.



Now, you might be asking "if Lord Amanuel can command the undead, should we be worried about Sea Hag", and it's OK, because you've remembered Sea Hag more than the rest of this game.



This is an item for a quest we may or may not do.



Bjalla learns this, because she can learn almost every unnatural spell in the game. We'll have Jade grab it on level up.



I honestly don't know why Amanuel has an arena in his basement. I assume it's the same reason he has skeletons specifically dedicated to serving food to the top level. Is he assuming that people are going to come into the haunted castle, go "wow, free food" and then he poisons them? Who knows?



The game immediately loads these golems into attack position. By switching to the halberd from the druids, we can have Inta become immune to their attacks and sit back as the fight autoplays as a win for us. Gameplay!



It's more skeletons and golems and other crap for the most part. You've seen it, you love it.



Bjalla picks up this scroll that looks a lot better than it is (as I think undead are immune because...Baldur's Gate!)



This greatshield has a ton of physical resistances. It's great! Now if only one-handed weapons weren't total crap!



We get a dialog with Lord Amanuel. Now, we can take the third option for more GREED points, but...

: This world belongs to the living, pitiful creature! I banish you from this plane! I banish you! (Abolish Curses)

Abolish Curses is a cleric-only skill. This isn't the first time the game randomly lets us other class specific skills, and I'm not sure if that's intended or not. The check to make Bjalla's Weinstein piss himself was Shady Dealings, and that's something I've succeeded on with both a wizard and a fighter.



I can't tell if this does anything at all.



I can't tell if Jade is supposed to be a traumatized woman who goes after abusive men or if she just doesn't give a shit what Elyx thinks and projects whatever bullshit she wants to hear.




Amanuel has nothing really interesting he can do except melee attacks. He has a pair of allied mages. We throw summons at him until he dies.



Bjalla levels up in combat.



The outcome is never really in doubt.



Now, Alumu promised us a stronghold and I want to reiterate we don't get that. I legitimately don't know if there's any follow-up on the missing golems and to be honest I don't care.



This is the best armor in the game. It is sadly cursed and Sea Hag isn't hardcore enough to remove it, but the drawbacks are... -10 hit points and -2 intelligence. This will never matter. Once it's uncursed the physical resistances apparently go up by 10%.

It goes right on Inta.



More cursed items we uncursed to reveal they're garbage. Vendor trash!



There are more fights I don't bother to completely clear out, because the entire party is encumbered and I would like to cash in our loot sack.



Bjalla asks Jade what college she went to and then gets pissy at her reply. There are a bunch of party dialogs that fire, where Hamlin asks Jade if she'd turn him into an undead and then says it's "equal parts creepy and sad".

She has one with Sea Hag too, where Sea Hag asks her why she's into death, she says undead are tough and silent and then apologizes to Sea Hag after Sea Hag asks if she should be silent.



: Now that the Lord of the Hoard has been dispatched, why don't you tell me about yourself.

: Ugh. You want to know more? Most people are satisfied with what you've discovered already, Inta Rume. But all right.



: He wasn't already dead at that point, was he?



: If you're attracted to devil worshipers and dark mages, I can see why your relationships have been disappointing.



Man they are really setting it up so you can swoop in and save her huh.

: What went wrong?

: Soon enough, something always comes unstuck. With Elyx, it was jealousy. He was really enthusiastic about our profession, but his magical abilities weren't at my level. I tried to help him improve his castings, but that just drove him into a sulk.



: Well, in my eyes you're beautiful. There's no point dwelling on Elyx. As far as I'm concerned, the opinions of the twice dead carry no weight whatsoever.



I really should have hit on Hamlin too to be fair, but the resolution of this goes... places.

: What are you hoping to find, traveling with me?



Once again we can call on the power of the gods despite our layelephant status.

: Perhaps I can uncurse the artifact and free you. (Abolish Curses)

: I've tried conventional solutions already, but yes, please try.



This shows an entire cutscene where our completely nonmagical, unordained fighter shoots some kind of magical blue light at Jade's head.



: Do you have any idea how to go about it?

: Well, I hate to rely on those god-botherers in Isilbright, but someone at the High Temple of Alnarius can probably help me. They're always running around curing the sick and banishing things and breaking up parties. Hopefully we can make a stop there in the near future.


I waste a bunch of time selling all the crap. We start at 9k gold with the maybe 1-2k we found in the most boring undead lair imaginable.



I'm around this area because I was trying to find an accessory in Scofarth, which is gated by greed or something?



I am going to progress the main plot because it gives us, after three chapters, an actual fucking decision that may or may not change the plot!



An ominous lady approaches!



: I am searching for capable adventurers to assist in a cause dear to my majestic ladyship. I am in need of strong, motivated individuals who want to bring change, a new order even, to Yerengal.



Ayn Rand????



: Just who is this grand lady employer of yours?

I would say this is the worst temptation scene I've ever seen, but then I remember the Numenera jenkem bar and realize that quest is still worse.

: Of her true identify, or nature, I may only say that she travels in the highest spheres of Yerengal. That should be enough for you.

Thread activity: guess who she is! Remember, we have had exactly one dark goddess built up and it's not her



: I don't understand. What exactly is my reward for carrying the seal?

: If you carry out my ladyship's will - nothing onerous, simply continuing to act with a certain mindset - the amulet will grow stronger, and pass its power on to you.



This is just so clumsy.

: What if I accept this contract but decide to break it later on?



Oh, so you have the dread power of Lord Frelsi?



: And if I decline your ladyship's offer?

: Naturally, nothing will happen if you reject my ladyship.

Is this supposed to be the lady herself in disguise? Who the fuck knows?



: Let me consult my companions.

: Of course. A strong leader needs good people at her side. They can only benefit the cause.

What the fuck is the cause? We know from meta knowledge that "a certain way" is GREED because it's splashed all over the marketing for the game and the Crone's lecture on the curse of GREED blah blah blah, but as I said in the Numenera LP, to be effective temptation they have to offer something you care about.

: We really don't know enough to make a good decision. It's up to you.

Bjalla you are supposed to be a canny survivor who loves court intrigue. This woman is using, at best, the language of crypto bros except the crypto bros and MLM people will at least tell you that you'll get money.



Jade your entire questline is about removing the cursed hat that is going to kill you. Jade has 20 intelligence with her gear, that is the human maximum for the game. Jade is an intelligence based spellcaster. I do not understand why she's this dumb. Is this supposed to be funny?



Hamlin you are the worst fuckin thief.

For what it's worth if Helgenhar were here he'd tell us this is obviously a terrible idea. You'd think Sea Hag would be smart enough to interject "guys this woman sounds like a scammer".

: Can I have some time to think it over?



So my workplace runs anti-phishing training for the employees and convincing people they need to act now is one of the number one ways to get people to click the link. You also see it in those terrible TV informercials where to get your penis growth pills you have to order now because supplies are limited.



Naturally, this is too difficult of a decision to make for myself, so I'll hand it off to all of you.

Decisions Lie Before Us!

Are we going to accept or reject this totally great offer? If you can justify your vote with reference to the plot it will count double.

Choose wisely!