Part 27: The World becomes a quagmire of death and despair!

Okay, if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right. That means we need to:

1. Actually build a military
2. Upgrade it to the most recent technological level
3. Overwrite England's religion

To do the third, we need to generate a Great Prophet, so no more buying missionaries or inquisitors for the moment. We need to overwrite England's religion because they have Defender of the Faith, which increases their attack strength when defending their cities. Nasty. However, we have Discipline from Honor which will also make our troops tougher as long as they're next to each other!



Here we see the Indian Hindu Great Prophet, about to swoop in and indoctrinate Constantinople, the jerk. If we generated an Inquisitor there he wouldn't have anything to do, but like I said, I'm trying to get a Great Prophet and I'm only a couple of turns away from generating one.




Here's my current tech tree. It won't take too long to upgrade my military to trebuchets, musket dudes and so on, but the clock is still against me.



My workers have almost finished the road connecting my empire to Silk Wedge. Once that's done, moving troops forward will be easy.

The Hindu Great Prophet converts Constantinople, as expected, but only two short turns later:



I send him towards Silk Wedge.



Here you can see our city is already putting a ton of pressure upon itself to get that Hindu influence outta there. Only Asskissing allowed! It will be similarly difficult to stamp out any other religions from regions we conquer. We need to kill the person in charge of said religion, for starters.



SHIT. All the hard work we put into Monaco, gone, as all our ally points got traded to Egypt. Thanks to Asskissing and Aesthetics, our influence with them will slowly rise back up to 35, but it's still irritating.



Seems Napoleon's not even waiting for the ten turns on our end to declare war on his. Hmm.



Hmm. I think I'll get back to you on that, Kamehameha. I need to determine if you're genuine.



Right! We can now forget about building pikemen and work on the sword dudes to do our fighting! And in 8 turns, musketeers!



Hastings. Learn to overcome the crass demands of flesh and bone. The will of the greater people is transcendent!

Then Napoleon tells me it's time to declare war. Ten turns gone, just like that.

Okay, Bonaparte, let's go!



I hope my troops don't get too chewed up by the gears of war…

New policy time!



Hey, just 'cause we're religious doesn't mean we can't benefit from a little secularism too! This makes our science jump up by 10 just from existing settings.



Hastings killed one of my troops each turn, but I still pounded the crap out of it and now it is mine! MINE!



Puppeting that sucker, for now.



Looks like some French troops made it all the way over here and are getting their asses kicked by all the bombardment from the English longbowmen and the arrow galleys. If I'm not quick and careful my own troops will get blown away by the volleys too.



…well, that's a new insult.



Hahahahahahahahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

Ha ha ha ha.

Hooooooo…

Ahhhh. Good times.



Troops, recommence bombardment of London!



As I feared, my troops are getting chewed up fast by London's arrows. I managed to spread Asskissing there, at least. I'm pulling my troops west to try to smash Canterbury first, it'll be a softer target because of its much lower population. Soon my first Musketmen will roll off the production line and join my guys at the front lines.

I lose more soldiers while grinding down Canterbury to about half health, and then….



Oh, you asshole! You goddamned fake-beard-wearin' asshole! You were waiting for this, weren't you!?!



The real problem isn't even Ramses at this moment, it's Monaco, who they Couped into being their ally. Monaco's troops are attacking mine and keeping me from completing the road to Hastings! God damn it!!!

Well. Two can play at that game, friend!



Liz knows she's on the ropes. With those pikemen about to attack Hastings…hmm. I'll wait one turn and see how she feels.



A bunch of clever and quick bribes to Cahokia and now it's my ally! I hope its troops attack Ramses just like he got Monaco to attack me.



Over here I notice Egypt has shat out a little colony of Alexandria. I'm moving one musket man and one cannon (still in production) over here so I can raze it.

Ramses has yet to send a single one of his own troops against me, but he thinks I'm reeling, because he makes an outrageous demand.



No way, pal.

A Great Scientist got produced in the middle of all this. Y'know what, screw it. I want my science boost NOW. I'm burning him up immediately.

Two turns later, I know Astronomy and Printing Press. With Printing Press, the extra pressure from my religion goes way, way up. Case in point:



Asskissing now has more pressure upon London than it has upon itself, as the holy city! Good. Very, very good.



As you can see here, Cahokia is indeed fighting Ramses. I'm kind of hitting a brick wall with Elizabeth. I need more time to build up my troops before I'm ready to attack her with earnest. Ten more turns might do it…



This is only temporary, Liz! I'll kill ya in ten! Just need more cannons and stuff. I'm doing this just to get those damn longbowmen off my back for half a minute. Peace treaty signed.

Next turn, Canterbury falls and is captured by the French, as I knew it would be. And then...



What the fuck did I do to piss off God today!?!

This is going to be the hardest diplomatic victory ever.

Well. I have a very big friend who can take you on, surfer boy!



Take THAT!

What a goddamned mess this world is turning into.


State of the World: