Part 16: Episode XV: Sewer Shark (Sewers)

Episode XV: Sewer Shark (Sewers)

When last we left our heroine, she watched in horror as maniac burned two people alive in drum of acid. Said maniac then did a scary dance and was set on fire. At which point he danced around yelling 'hot' like someone who'd burnt the roof of their mouth. With that said, let's continue...


With Corroder temporarily defeated a scant three seconds following his introduction, Alyssa is free to explore the surrounding area.



A few paces down the way from the workshop is Dorothy's carpet cape thing, which I now know is correctly call a 'shawl'. Or, if I wanted to achieve greater accuracy, I could simply call it by its most well known name: plot device.


Alyssa, of course, finds herself completely incapable of just climbing a perfectly average chain-link fence. Apprehension about wearing a skirt, I'm sure. As such, she dooms us to the greatest nemesis of any video game of any genre: the sewer level. But, before we even gain access to the dark abyss of linear corridors, grimy locales, and high random encounter rates, we're issued another fetch quest. Since, I love earning my right to video games' most universally unappealing location.

Alyssa returns to the workshop.


Corroder as well as Dorothy and Albert's melted corpses have all vanished. Perhaps spewing coins and low level treasure in their wake.


But, at the very least they were kind enough to leave us a toolbox key. Since, I know I rummage through shelves of murder scenes all the time, in hopes of getting access to a decent hammer or mystic Philips head screwdriver.

Backtracking goes here.



You know, we could have cut game time in half if we'd come across a tool shed at some point.

Alyssa proceeds to backtracking all the way back. Corroder showed up once. He buttslammed Alyssa.


It was a less than impressive tactic.


Back to the earlier dilemma. The developer couldn't be bothered to animate Alyssa turning a handle, so a floating, disembodied version of the action will have to suffice.


This deactivates the unfuckingbelievably hazardous open spinning fan blade tunnel. I know where in a supposive ghost town. But, assuming this was indeed a real location which does not take place on some manner of quiet incline, at some point you'd think there would be issues with a twelve foot steel fan spinning at high speeds with not so much as a mesh fence to keep people away from it.


But, then again, you'd think our heroine would have better sense than to drop on all fours and crawl through filth to obtain an item that is literally within arms reach over an easily scaled fence. This is Clock Tower 3. You'd likely be wrong on both accounts.


Alyssa comes out the other side in Future the Boss Battle Place Holder™ Poor Corroder doesn't get a particularly long run.

Alyssa heads further into the sewers, in the complete opposite direction of the wayward plot device. I'm still puzzled as to what we're doing here again...


Old Corroder makes a return visit. Maybe he'll live up to his intro movie at some point here.


Our heroine ducks into the nearby obligatory sewage maintenance save room. Where all troubled sewer workers of the world find solace at the bottom of a bottle and at the tip of a pen crafting a work of ellipse filled art upon an old diary or journal.


Why, that's not a file at all! It's a stupid sentimental item. I want my money back.

Corroder busts in on the fun.


"They told me I was mad when I announced my new sales pitch! They told me my uniform would scare off patrons. They cried, you're a door-to-door showerhead salesman, John! Nobody will buy showerheads from you wearing that crazy get-up."


"But, they didn't realize the power of demonstration. The awe of seeing the product in action. Why tell people of your showerhead line when you can show them in first hand account of its cleaning power and durable strength."


"That is what they would proclaim to their new love. Hold it up high and marvel at its incredible cleaning power."


"That's where I got the idea for the acid. Just think, the power to eat away at filth, no matter what the strength."


"Yet, the durability to stand up against such a corrosive substance with not the slightest hint of mildew build up. The Corroder 300 is truly a marvel of showerhead engineering, unrivaled by even the great showerhead labels of the Soviet Union. Tell me, miss. Could I offer you a trial run of this hygiene phenomenon sweeping the nation?!"
"Sure, why not. Your sales pitch really shocked me."


"BLAELRGHAFFFFFFAHK! A NOOOO WOULD HAVE SURFICEDHAEGH! THERE WASHAFANGEN NO NEED FOR BAD PUNSSSSSSSAAAF!"


"Sorry, no solicitors."


Old Bob only got smashed with empty boxes and a charging tackle. Poor John has gotten set on fire and electrocuted. At this rate Alyssa is going to just give the next villain a hatchet crack to the forehead. Moving along in either case, past this inspired level design. Hey, there's a ghost. That's something new, right?



Further down the path, we are given a new excuse to move even slower than we already were by being forced to edge across a narrow piece of destroyed walkway. There's no danger to speak of, it's just annoying. Not this one time though, it's acceptable now. What lies beyond it is what makes it annoying.


Remember the fifty foot plank of wood Alyssa was forced to balance across? Twice. With threat of falling two one's death from the slightest foul up? The developers felt that was a bit too harsh. But, didn't want to waste this innovative gameplay feature. I mean, they already had the balancing animation and everything. So, the balancing act makes a return in the form of several gaps being crossed via small wooden planks. Not so bad, right?


Well, it wouldn't be. Except some of the planks randomly snap in two as Alyssa cross them. And by 'crosses them' I mean 'as soon as she takes a step forward on the thing'. There's no indication as to which boards are safe and which are treated cardboard. But, worry not. This spells not the end for our heroine. Oh no.


First there is a ten second first person animation of her drifting down the sewers.


Followed by her climbing out from the human waste.


At which point she slowly has to cross the destroyed gap again.


And return to the trial and error balancing section for another go at it. I believe it actually took less time to have Alyssa fall to her death, reload a save, and run back to the first balancing section than this whole sequence takes to reset for another attempt. It's all about as fun as it sounds.



The first time a fall inevitably happens, we're treated to a rotting skeletal husk for all our ghost exorcising needs.


Don't you feel just warm and cozy about this whole thing? No? Glad I'm not alone. Fuck off, Shemp!


For tossing a heartfelt letter from the departed's beloved daughter onto his rotting corpse bobbing in fecal matter, Alyssa obtains a binding arrow. Which means... there is going to be more Sailor Moon bullshit... FUCK!



The binding arrow works exactly as described. It shoots a binding arrow for the now inevitable retarded boss battle. It's also red. Which I guess means it binds targets more hatefully or something? I dunno.


Miss Hamilton returns to her trials of the 2x4s. I should mention that the last one she is standing on has about a two seconds before it breaks. Which means if you fail to immediately cross the thing without hesitation, you will fall. I'd also like to mention they swap the fucking camera angle a third of the way across. Have I mentioned I hate this game recently?




At the frustrating section's completion, Alyssa finally recovers Albert's colorful back napkin plot device gift. And there was much rejoicing.


Luckily, the game doesn't find some excuse to make you retread the planks segment and a nearby door completely circumvents it.


However, that doesn't prevent other troubles afoot.


Yes, Corroder, in a gasmask and rubber smock, with a tank on his back heavy enough to make him hunch over, swam all the way, upstream mind you, in raw sewage and leapt from the water a good six feet just to sneak up on Alyssa and do his zany spooky pose. Never mind that just coming in from the opposite direction would leave her cornered and trapped. She's see that coming.


Needless to say, it wasn't a very well thought out plan of attack.


Alyssa, with hand knit plot device in tow, returns to rescue Dorothy and Albert their tortured existence of stumbling over loose objects on the floor and walking into walls.

Tune in next time for...


STUPID ANIME BULLSHIT...AGAIN!


TELEPORTATION!!


RANDOM EXPLOSIVE BOSSES!!!

Not to be featured:


A clock tower.