Part 19: Episode XVIII: Cave Story (Underground)

Episode XVIII: Cave Story (Underground)

When last we left our heroine, she just witnessed a clock tower burst from deep underground, leveling her house, and taking her on a zany ride with the world's most inappropriate music. Also, the Dark Gentleman gave her some cryptic non-sense about murdering her at midnight and tossed her off said clock tower. With that said, let's continue...


Whelp, looks like that's a wrap. It was fun while it lasted. Tune in next time for...


Aww, hell. She managed to survive a several hundred foot drop with enough force that it slammed her through the clock tower's foundation and into a cavern beneath said clock tower.


Not really acknowledging how she could possibly have lived through such a fall or really...why she's in a cave. Bare with me, this part of the game ain't much on excitement. Our heroine gets to work with tedious investigation. She notices a hole in the east side of the cave.


We'd have a slightly more creepy sight on our hands, were this game developed by Tecmo.


Our heroine finds herself emerging in a sewer. Since, one romp through brick corridors with murky water didn't cut it.


A ladder and a ghost greet Alyssa on the opposite end of the passage. We'll get to the latter later. As Casper over there is one of the very few required ghost exorcisings in the game.


Reaching the upper level, Alyssa finds a second sewer passage. This one with a door at the northern and southern ends.


As well as a blocked path to our spectral friend, just opposite the initial entry.


The northern door is, of course, locked. A minute into the stage and two fetch items already demanded. This doesn't bode well.

Alyssa heads through the unlocked southern door. She finds a small, unusually well-furnished study.


Fuck that fish! What about the player?!



Well, at least one of the two fetch items wasn't hard to find.

Alyssa returns to the previous area.


Oh Christ... Are there any villains in the house that didn't get a whiff of nitrous oxide? Any?




Oh shit, rogue lumberjacks! Cheese it!



Suddenly, what appears to be a an albino wielding axes, goes flying past, as though he was shot out of a cannon.


"You have my axe!"


"I'm dual wielding! Newb."


"Am I supposed to be used for some ritual at midnight? Or are you all just supposed to kill me? I'm getting conflicting stories, here."
"Well, they just told me to..."


"I mean, it better not be something stupid like you're all going all out to kill me knowing that I'd succeed and then you really try to kill me. That fell flat for Metal Gear Solid and I don't think we have nearly as strong a narrative here."

Alyssa makes a break for the door.


Our newest villain decides he's not playing by anyone's rules. Including gravity.


Meet Chopper. Tattooed albino acrobatic lumberjack in leather pants.


Oh yeah, and this sudden gravity defying stunt? Don't figure that to factor in heavily to his attack tactics. Or...ever again, for that matter. As he's back on terra firma following this cutscene and never remotely sticks to walls for the rest of his time with us. I'm not sure what they were trying to accomplish with that feat. But, it's best not to think about it.

With her path blocked, Alyssa retreats to the previous study to search for a hiding place.


...Standing behind an aquarium is the best she can come up with.


Chopper sees right through Alyssa's subpar stealth skills. I mean, she's not even bothering to duck down, for Christ sake... He... He is seeing her...right...?




Chopper wanders off. Yes, he is that stupid. In fact, this hiding place almost always works, unless he's literally right behind you while getting into it. I used it three times during the course of the stage...


Thanking the continuing abysmal level of intelligence present within her pursuers, Alyssa proceeds further into the unknown.


She now finds herself in the lift area. Which, may very well be one of the most tedious stretches of the game. Especially, coupled with the fact Chopper randomly appears about twice as much as the previous two villains combined.


The lift area, as its name suggests, holds an elevator.


Alyssa is currently on the B3 floor. With a B1 and B2, as shown. Each of these three areas has a similar design. A raised platform leading to a door and a lower area with several items of note. I'm sure it comes as a shocker, but our heroine will need to visit all these floors, back and forth, to proceed further. Each one is cripplingly narrow and matters aren't helped by Chopper being the first villain who is far faster than you are.

Alyssa begins her exploration with the lower level of B3.

Highlights include:



A puzzle we cannot yet begin work on, as special gloves are needed to handle live wires.



But, as compensation for another fetch quest, the complete solution to the puzzle is in a crate nearby.

Alyssa heads up to B2.

Highlights include:


An eye catching red box and a man wearing a really retarded scarf. Let's see if we can't get some breathing room here.


Hey, another evasion point. Let's see what levels of incompetence old Chopper can reach.


"Hey, jerk! I'm going to hide in this barrel and you can't stop me!" <sticks out tongue>



Chopper tosses and axe at that sonuvabitch.


Knocking down and apparently unscrewing the caps to several flasks of oil in the process.


"I'm... too sexy for my shirt! Too sexy for my shirt! So sexy it hurts!"


"I'm... too sexy for this cape...scarf...cowl thing... Too sexy for this thing. So sexy it hurts!"


"I'm too sexy for my skin. Too sexy for my skin. So sexy it hurts!"


"I'm...in need of a medic..."


...At least he didn't dance around yelling 'hot!' I couldn't take him seriously then.

Alyssa returns to the previously skipped box.



Huh... I wonder how that got in there... Oh well, I'm sure nobody else is going to need it. Now, onto B1...



Elsewhere...






















Right, then. B1. Highlights include:



A electronically locked door without any juice. Yet another staple of survival horror.


A deactivated circuit breaker dedicated solely to powering said electronic lock.


And a pair of rubber gloves. Well... We've got a crowbar and rubber gloves. Back to B3, I suppose. I'm sure you're all beside yourself with anticipation. There's a file coming up, if that's brighten your spirits.


First things first, about that ghost...


Couldn't it have? The stiff has a file. I hate him.

A message scratched on the paper.

Well, if you're coming to rescue someone, I think you're already kinda fucking up in the protection department. Just a hunch.


I typed this sentence with my eyes shut. True story!



Luckily, Mr. Magoo's spectacles are about three feet away from him.


A friend of mine once told me nobody on Star Trek ever said "Beam me up, Scotty." I nodded at his knowledge of this, picked up his pet turtle, and hurled that sonuvabitch down the street.



In a related news story, the skeleton shat out a keycard. Glad we had to read a file and dick around an inventory screen for what could have been accomplished with half the time by kicking someone's skull in.

Alyssa heads back to the earlier skipped puzzle.


Not pictured: Alyssa actually wearing the rubber gloves. That would be too much work.


The brain teaser is solved by the careful process of going into the inventory and popping open the file with the solution.


So power is restored.


And the Keycard of Magoo put to use.


With the near dullest section of the game completed, Alyssa presses forward to a...save room. Will the excitement never end?

Alyssa heads upstairs to find...


She's back in her house...? And someone is looping the Baby Mario cry from Yoshi's Island...

Tune in next time for...


FLASHBACKS!


AXE ABUSE!!


UGLY BABIES!!!

Bonus Content:

Chopper Introduction Cutscene
Chopper Introduction Cutscene (Mo-Cap Version)