Part 32: Episode XXXI: Mass Effect (Clock Tower Castle Past)

Episode XXXI: Mass Effect (Clock Tower Castle Past)

When last we left our heroine, she fell through a hole in the ground. Also, the Dennis that was killed was actually a robot. With that said, let's continue...


Alyssa lands relatively unscathed from her fall and finds herself in a lower level of the dungeon. Well, unscathed save for...


...the presence of the penultimate file!

Book of Entities V

Mail Order Psychopaths: Made in China.


...wha? A single Entity can possess multiple people? You mean we could have had two Corroders?! These are the most slack-assed evil spirits ever.

Alyssa tosses aside the final volume of the Book of Entities and enters the next area.


We now find ourselves... Back in Dick's secret study... Wha?


The game offers no hint as to what the hell you're actually supposed to do in this room. It's not examining the gold box on the desk, the desk itself, the nearby desk, the odd bookcase in front of another bookcase, or any number of things in the room.


It's this random non-descript bookcase in the far corner that the game wants you to check out. The pixel hunt is rewarded by the last file of the game... It's like Christmas has come early.

Alyssa's Drawings

Someone call 911! I think I just got a concussion.


Following being beaten over the head with the most unsubtle note in the game, the bookcase of the hidden room of Dick reveals... The hidden room has a hidden room.


I think this is Alyssa's best response in the game.


We come upon Dick's creepy back room filled with framed pictures crudely etched by young Alyssa and several portraits of himself. I'm sure if we looked hard enough, we'd find Dick's hidden camera into Alyssa's alternate costume closet. But, there are more pressing issues at hand.

Alyssa heads up the nearby ladder.


And...we're back in Darcy Burrough's haunts... So...what was the point of that? Did they just have the level design on a board and threw a dart at it to decide where to put a flashback scene?


Alyssa runs up to check out Burroughs' portrait again, for some reason. Meanwhile, the projector crackles to life again.


Oh, hey. It'd Dick! Chanting for an incantation that's importance is never clarified and reason for doing so is never explained.



And he wanders out of the projector screen like that ghost chick from The Ring. That would be fitting, save he's clearly not dead and a ghost version of him makes no sense.


"My ancestor! My both great-something or other grandfather and great-something or other step-uncle! Hear me!"


"...just before the Ritual of Engagement. I know it is the villainy equivalent to getting a kick in the nuts."


"That and those ridiculous sweater-vests he used to wear. Who wears a sweater-vest in autumn?! Who?!"


"Is it all because of you?! Since, I'm going to feel very foolish if that Book of Entities was just a bunch of fictional rot written by some madman and I've wasted the last three years."


"Do you want me to come up with more wild, baseless conjecture based on a text that was literally five pages long?! Do you!? I can go on! Entity, do you really want me to take on the role of Natalya Hamilton following Lord Burroughs' resurrection? Must I masquerade as her to appease your will, Entity?! Is that what you want?!"


How did Dick go from 'do you want me to resurrect Lord Burroughs' to 'do you want me to become Lord Burroughs' in the same rant? How did we even get to this conclusion, other than him happening to have the same last name as an obscure son of the guy and the first letters (assuming we go solely by Dick's nickname) of Alyssa, Nancy, and Dick being the same as the ancestors of a similar scenario?

Why am I even trying to figure this out...?


It's more common an issue than you may think.


Alyssa has a look of either distress or constipation to her grandfather's moral plight.



What do you know? Dick is a dickhead.


"It's better than watching reruns of Matlock and Murder She Wrote every day! Ha ha ha!"


"My epic rapeface DEMANDS IT! Join with me, and we will complete the Ritual of Engagement!"


I think that is the single gayest evil entity summoning I have ever heard.




"Any time now..."





"Oh, fine. If it'll shut you up."



Yes... The portrait is spraying a fountain of blood onto Dick.


And he is loving this shit.



Following that display, what I can only describe as a cross between an oozing pile of raw fecal matter...


And that water creature thing from The Abyss.


In either case, Dick is engulfed by the oozing shit.



Where have I seen this before...?


Oh, yes. Dick has turned into the fucking Golgothan from Dogma.


Alyssa shows only minor distress at her grandfather committing to murder her and fusing with sentient shit.




And Dick Brown immediately drops dead. Rendering that entire transformation scene exceedingly pointless. I'm a bit puzzled how he makes the leap from:

Creepy Old Man > Shit Monster > Fat Creepy Old Man in a Bowler Cap

But, not to fear. I don't think the developers know either.



Oh, and just to drive the point home, Lord Burroughs has vanished from the painting. I think it's an improvement. It's no longer a poor photoshop of Napoleon, but a painting of a badass horse ruining people's shit. An image I can put my seal of approval on.


In proper Clock Tower 3 procedure, it's time for a completely unrelated scene.


"The one who is after your heart is none other than your Grandfather, with the blessing our own Lord Burroughs."
"Well, the four or five files of him debating whether to kill me sort of tipped me off. But, I guess that drove the point home."


"...the two of them will carry out the Ritual of Engagement, and a new Entity will be born."
"Two of them? They quite clearly fused into one non-Entity entity."
"Ergh... You know what I mean."


"...our ranks will swell and prosper!"
"You two do know I've killed three other Subordinates, including your leader. That's not exactly winning odds by any stretch."
"Well, there will just be more of us to kill the next Rooder and make a new Entity!"
"Assuming it takes three of you, at least, to down each Rooder. I'm fairly sure you'll die out by about one or two more Ritual of Engagement attempts. I'm just saying..."
"Oh, just shut up! Smartass!"


"Chop-chop!"
"Chop-chop!"


Yeah, this is quite the threat. Especially when it was already made the same fucking fashion twenty minutes ago. But, Alyssa still manages to be shocked by the impending doom of non-robotic Dennis. Though, honestly. This one might very well be just a hologram or maybe a clone.


You see, this is why I don't hate Dennis. Despite being the goofiest bastard this side of a Disney character of the same name, the kid at least has some sense to him. The bad guys are making no effort to chase Alyssa. She can literally just walk out the front door and be done with things. She can thwart the entire evil plan of her grandfather by just hanging out in an arcade playing Street Fighter 3 for the duration of her birthday.

The entire plot hinges on Alyssa being too fucking stupid to just leave. Dennis has the right idea, despite being a goofy ugly little spastic bastard.


"I might as well feign looking shocked again, even if I put up a good performance for the robot earlier and there's no actual time limit on his death. It'd be rude not to."

Tune in next time for:


MINI-BOSSES!


BOSSES!!


CONFETTI!!!

Bonus Content:

Dick Fusion Cutscene