Part 34: Episode XXXIII: Gears of War (The Clock Tower)

Episode XXXIII: Gears of War (The Clock Tower)

When last we left our heroine, she, with a very large assist from Dennis, killed the Scissortwins. Despite that, she told him to go fuck off as she has family issues to settle. With that said, let's continue...


Alright, then. Let's get down to this clock tower climb. Alyssa telling Dennis to bugger off has apparently wiped him from existence, as he's nowhere to be found. What has appeared in his place, is a err...dangly thing...



A dangly thing of which Alyssa can use to circumvent that destroyed staircase.

A ride to the top of the clock tower later.


The protégé Rooder finds herself in the inner workings of the colossal tower. Of course, the architects of the evil time telling structure couldn't be bothered with just building steps up to the peak of the thing. So, the game presents one final spot of which to utilize the ever entertaining crawling mechanic.


Since, slowly crawling beneath cogs for half a minute is certainly the way to build up tension.


Following the gear obstacle, Alyssa finds herself in front of the clock face. It seems to be about twelve minutes to midnight. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about the length of the remaining game.


Pulling a nearby switch reveals a passageway straight into the clock face. Since, how else were they going to shoehorn a grand shot of the titular building in between machinery rooms otherwise?


Alyssa enjoys the great view, before moving on. Not pictured: Any sort of great view.


At the top, we come upon the game's final save point. Fun fact: 99% of the "clock tower" in Clock Tower 3 is found in the save screen.


Hoping along several spinning cogs, a way to the summit is finally located by hitching a ride on the singular vertical gear.

This is it...


The final boss is a Jimmy Hendrix song...


The Dark Gentleman, at least with the terrible voice aside, was a halfway decent villain design. Too bad this shot and about half a second afterwards are the last we're going to see of it.



Dick decides to stick with something familiar. I hope you're braced for a monologue.


Personally, I think it would be great if the Dark Gentleman just was some random fat asshole that had absolutely nothing to do with Dick and one of Alyssa's baseless assumptions just fell fat on its face. Alas, retarded postulation on vague, at best, evidence turning out to be absolutely true seems to be a strong trait with this family.


"You don't know how hard I tried to find Burroughs Castle, in order to become one with you. On an effort scale of 1 to 10, it was a solid high 7."


"...and at last I found it. Let me tell you, did I ever feel silly afterwards."


...what? No it didn't. What in the blue hell are you talking about?!


There was a flashback less than a fucking hour ago showing you finding the thing.


And last I checked the Hamilton Residence wasn't nestled in a doom canyon. Nor, was it built atop a doom canyon, as there was an entire half of a stage set beneath the place and I'm pretty sure I didn't see any torture chambers.


And where the hell did this go down? The guest bathroom?


And that's not even getting into the weak as shit reasoning behind Burroughs being able to come back to life, if the clock tower he randomly decided to curse was, indeed, razed to the ground and a fucking bed and breakfast put in its place.

This is not a plot twist, retards. This is not even paying attention to your own shitty plot!


"It's all the Entities' doing. This is our destiny... I mean, I have nothing to back me up on any of this and they've not really made any tangible contact with me. I mean, I guess there's the Subordinates. But, I'm not sure if they count. Oh well."
"Grandpa..."
"Don't look so sad. Once the Ritual of Engagement is complete, you and I will become a new Entity and we can be together forever. Granted, I've read nothing about the person being sacrificed getting any stake in the whole Entity business. In fact, I'm fairly sure most of the text says it's a one-way street. But, you never know with these arcane dealings."


"...and give me my mum back!"
"Your mum?"
"Yes, you know. My mother. Your daughter. Goes by the name Nancy. Pretty sure you kidnapped her while masquerading as Fat Bastard. Jog the old memory?"
"Oh, right. 'Mum'. Must you persist with overly English nick-names for your mother? I'm trying to have a tense moment, here. Anyway..."


"Subsequently... Walking around Europe aimlessly for three years has given me rather sharp arthritis in the old knees. I'll ergh... I'll meet you down there."



Queue a dramatic music sting.


Alyssa girly runs down a conveniently appearing ghostly staircase to take a closer look at Nancy and perhaps bust out a bit of the old Soft.


"Those 'Little Rascal' scooters are a load of bollocks. Teleportation was the best thing I ever did for myself."


"She married that weak, lily-livered goof-for-nothing, Philip. Sure, I gave my blessing months in advance. But... A man of my age is allowed to backpedal a bit. Not only that she married that nancy..."


"Can you believe the audacity?! Trying to lead a normal life? We're Hamiltons, damn it! It's evil spirit battles, grisly ends at the hands of sacrificial rituals, or nothing!"


"There was no other way, Alyssa. Sure, I guess we could have stopped at killing her before turning her soul into stone. But, the Entities are into that sort of thing and I just went with the flow. I'd like to come off as a 'hip' and 'chill' new guy into the Entity club. No sense stepping on toes before I'm even out the gate."


"You are not my grandfather, I don't know who you are any more! Especially, after the shape shifting into the fat, pasty guy thing. What was up with that?"
"It was either that or a form of which I must relinquish my pants. I went with the portly disguise angle."
"Oh... Well, that's no excuse! I don't know who you are."


"I'll destroy you and save my mother! It does work like that, right?"
<shrug> "I'm winging it as much as you are."



"Gwa ha ha ha. You wished the shapeshifting stopped here. Fool!"


"Y'arr. T'was right foolish of ye tah thinks that!"


Time for the quickest ten minutes in recorded history to commence.


Yes, he did, in fact, transform into a seven foot tall pirate with a Final Fantasy-esque oversized broadsword. You're not seeing things.


"Shiver me timbers. I's can harrrdly stand the anticipation."



"...and prepare to surrender your heart to me."


"Avast! Ye wench needs tah be dressed more fitting for ye journey to Davy Jones' locker!"

Alyssa's school uniform morphs into an ancient greek style outfit before she is slammed onto the alter and magically bound to its surface. What? Don't believe me...?


Bam! There you go. Since, at this point, why the hell not? I'd been saying this game really needed a few more bizarre fetish plot points.

Elsewhere...


"Where are you Alyssa?! Who the hell designed this place?! I had to ride gears to get here! This can't meet safety specifications."




"...not even your dear mother..."


"Arrr! To the grimy deep with ya!"



I think the Alyssa reaction shots are much akin to the animal reaction shots in movies. This face would work just as well if Ice Cube had slipped on a roller skate in a family comedy.


It turns out Nancy had apparently swallowed the last piece of the clover neckless. Why it isn't turned to stone, along with her, is a mystery.


A mystery on par with how said charm could manage to bounce and slide off a flat surface with little to no momentum. But, we said goodbye to the laws of gravity alongside sanity or any sort of decent writing conventions loooooooong ago.


"Burroughs and I will now carry out the Ritual to become a new Entity. Ghosts haunting the human realm! Let me just slip into something more comfortable for the occasion."



Captain Dick transforms into his Evil Pope form (Player 2 color palette).


This isn't really the most threatening of evil chants I've seen.


Oh hey... Scissorwoman is back...


Oh hey... The gang's all here... So... Did Alyssa just not actually kill any of the villains?! Are you...


"...shitting me?!"



Ah... So that's the point of that chant... A time filler for dead air until midnight... Nifty.


"Well, crap..."




"The process of being together forever may sting a bit!"


In one last ditch effort, Alyssa attempts to rip a potent steamer.


Unfortunately, Dick is loving this shit far too much for it to take effect.


Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion!

Bonus Content:

Ritual of Engagement Cutscene