Part 35: Episode XXXIV: Final Fantasy (Clock Tower Summit)

Episode XXXIV: Final Fantasy (Clock Tower Summit)

When last we left our heroine, she was about to be the star of this season's hot thriller: The Ritual of Engagement. With that said, let's continue...


Now, where were we? Ah yes...


The part with the stabbing.


At least the subordinate kiddies are having a great time. It's like taking children to a baseball game...before they realize baseball is boring as shit, unless you are drinking.


I'm not even going to question how the ugly little bastard managed to climb up there without riding the giant gear. I'm convinced the ginger kid is the real main character.


"What the Christ?! Err... Sorry, Lord..."

Dennis has the last clover pendant piece and he launches that mofo with all his might.


A feat I'd say is fairly impressive, considering he's holding himself up over a cliff edge, with his other arm.


To make no mention that he manages to land it right in the hand of his bound, spazzing soon-to-be sacrificed friend.


Alyssa's opposite hand somehow now has the rest of the pendant in it. Which is funny, since I clearly recall there not being any magical jewelry in it five seconds earlier.


I also clearly recall her being tied up to that altar a second earlier. A fact of which I do not believe was resolved in the non-existent second between those two points.



Regardless, Alyssa slams the separated pieces together as hard as she can muster. Since, that's how you handle fragile jewelry, which shatters upon the slightest hint of murder.



Pope Dick and the gang are not thrilled with this turn of events.



Alyssa pulls a bow and arrow out of her enchanted bag of deus ex machinas, before Dick can complete his rudeness.


However, Pope Dick pimpslaps her arrow off course before continuing to the next stage of his assault.



That being, reverting back to Captain Dick form. Now, I can see Pope Dick form, for the whole pagan ritual proceedings. And I'm guessing Darcy Burroughs moonlighted as a pirate or whatever those kooky 17th century tyrants did for kicks. But... I'm still confused what the point of Fat Dick/Dark Gentleman form was. Anyone have a clue? No.



Before Dick can continue his attack, Dennis displays he has remarkable balls, by going in for a surprise piggy-back ride on a seven foot tall ghost pirate.



Granted, he gets heaved off the side of the clock tower for his effort. But, it was still a solid performance out of putting one's spastic tendencies to good use.


Alyssa, however, has no time to mourn Dennis' untimely demise. As, she's busy testing out her newfound super-gymnastic skills.


"Y'arr. How be ye sailing the skies at such length?!"


"I could always jump that high. That school blazer was just deceptively heavy. And you're not a pirate, cut it out!"


"We'll play by your rules, for now... Only because I love you thiiiiiiis much."


Lord Burroughs had been getting around. Before we begin, I'd like to mention one thing. Lord Burroughs, despite being a murderous prick, is just, for all intents and purposes, supposed to be a normal guy. His whole story is he failed the whole ritual business and died. At no point is it indicated he was possessed by an Entity. He's not a Subordinate. He's just a really tall human asshole. Unfortunately, the game is going to ignore that point, much like when he was resurrected by gorily erupting from a painting of himself. And it's going to ignore that fact hard...


And subsequently gets issued a steep 'sentence'. What does that translate to?


I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news? He's got a full screen life bar. The bad news?


He's got two full screen life bars.


An undead pirate vs. a young girl in ancient Greek garb. Now...where have I seen this before?


Ah yes...

So, anyway, I made this handy chart chronicling the difficulty of Clock Tower 3:


Lord Burroughs is not only the hardest, most tedious boss in this game. He's one of the most annoying bosses in any survival horror game I've ever played. Why? Might you ask. Oh, I'll fucking tell you...


Ignoring the bulletin point that he has more health than every other boss combined. First off, the guy has a sword bigger than Alyssa is. It has a huge range and takes about an eight of the health bar per hit. So, getting anywhere near him is downright suicidal.


To make no mention that he can and will stab Alyssa while she's down. As there's no way to get up quicker, if he feels like going in for extra points, he will succeed in doing so.


Aside from that, he can launch fireballs from any range. Now, there's aren't normal fireballs. Oh no. We're not dealing with Corroder Acidhadokens here.


These work like binding arrows do on bad guys. They cause a chain of energy to strap onto Alyssa and will pull her to the floor if she tries to stray too far. The attack is easily avoided, as all that is needed to avoid it is either ducking or running to the left or right. But, getting hit with it means you're a sitting duck if Dick wanders over with his Buster Sword. It doesn't help matters that that room is essentially a giant, upside-down 'U'. So you will need to run past him constantly.


I should also mention that if Miss Rooder gets pegged with three of Dick's energy attacks, the Hamilton patriarch unleashes his own crazy Final Fantasy style summon.


And when I say crazy I, of course, mean 'fucking retarded'.


And by 'fucking retarded' I mean a giant blood red skeleton emerges from a portal in the sky.


Sticks out it's tongue. I repeat, a skeleton sticks out its tongue.


It then sends its tongue spiraling down toward earth at lengths that would make Gene Simmons blush.


And Alyssa is instantly killed upon impact. Our heroine's greatest weakness is a space skeleton tonsil jockey...


And that's not even covering how durable the fucker is. Used any of your special arrows prior to now? Guess what? You're fucked! Still saved the majority?



Guess what? You still need to whittle down just shy of a full screen life bar! And when I say 'whittle down' I mean Burroughs attacks roughly once every five seconds. Meaning if you are absolutely lucky, are on the complete opposite side of the room from him, and are willing to take one of his potentially insta-kill combo energy bolts to your face then maybe...just maybe, you'll get a single charged binding arrow off at him.


But, before you get any smart ideas. Once his life bar falls to under a quarter gone, he gains a new attack. A new attack which he does whenever you stay in place for too long. Like, ya know... trying to charge an arrow. This attack makes some sort of gelatinous goop form beneath Alyssa's feet. This forces her into a struggling animation that he can easily combo with a binding energy ball. Then, of course, being bound to a small area, he can cheesy you into his instant kill skeleton friend by going back and forth between jelly attack and fireball attack.

Was that all not enough? Wait! There's more!


Should you get close to him. Like, ya know, when you have to run past him every three minutes or so, there's a chance the good Captain will grab Alyssa. Doing this not only drains Alyssa's health, but refills his health. Since, a fucker with two life bars needs an energy sucking attack. That's not all. It makes the rest of his attacks stronger and turns the energy ball attack into a three way affair.

In short: Lord Burroughs is a fucking asshole.


This friggin' bastard took me three tries. The last one being a twenty-five minute endurance match as I chipped away at the prick before blowing my load on special arrows.


A collective "fuck you" to the developers who thought that anyone who endured this much retarded bullshit should come up against a brick wall of a final boss, at the very last section of the game.



For her efforts, Alyssa has her magic bow wacked into the stratosphere and Dick continues his assault as though there hadn't been getting stuck full of arrows for the last half hour.


Sick of the effort it takes to swing a sword, Dick takes a queue from Chopper and just wings that sonuvabitch at Alyssa. Luckily, the girl's costume swap has given her augmented overly mo-capped dodging abilities.


Unfortunately, she really needs to work on the landing.


"Could you be a dear and fasten that buckle for me?"


"You were always a spirited child. Always flipping from courageous to a complete coward on a dime. Oh, the whimsy of children..."


The game decides to remind you this fellow is indeed Dick. And, yes, he is loving this shit.



Dick decides to employ the loving grandfather tactic. An approach that would likely have been utterly successful, had he utilized it five or six hours ago. As well as if he wasn't dressed like a 17th century privateer.


"Sure, our lives will mostly entail possessing the mentally unstable to cut a murderous path across the countryside. But, there will be fun times other than that. The fun being manipulating old people into our vague evil bidding, which I'd say is quite a sporting way to spend one's eternity. You like meeting new people, don't you, Alyssa?


We're thrown one more shot of the only family portrait of the Hamiltons in existence. Of note: Nancy's man-hands, Alyssa cock slapping Dick, and the man himself tipsy from a quiet morning of rum guzzling.


"Never! I'd rather fall to my...mild bruising on the floor below!"


See? Take a look. Maybe she'll get a scraped knee, at most.


Dick busts out the most epic rapeface in his potent arsenal of facial expressions.


Dick takes the time to have a good chuckle, instead of just killing Alyssa or doing anything really constructive with his advantage.


A half-hearted struggle releases Alyssa from the grasp of the guy four times bigger than her.


Cornered and with no weapon, her only ally apparently dead, and no pants, what is Alyssa to do?


Tune in next time the grand finale. I assure you, the deus ex machina will be epic...

Bonus Content:

Dennis Saves the Day
Dick's Ultimate Attack
Post Battle Cutscene