Part 9: Episode VIII: A Link to the Past (Finale)
Episode VIII: A Link to the Past (Finale)
When last we left our heroine, she'd just seen a heartwarming family moment. Also, witnessed was a man get his shit ruined by an artillery shell. Which was slightly less heartwarming. With that said, let's continue...

Back in present day...? The past...? The future from the flashbacks but the past from the narrative's standpoint? Oh fuck it!

Back with Alyssa, the pocket watch from the flashback has materialized in the box which triggered the scene.

However, its appearance does little to quell the wrath of files...
"Hammer Killer" Hanged

Well hey, now! Old Slegehammer has a proper name: Bob. And...he's been dead for over a year...

How does one, albeit burly, man manage to kill five people, one strike a piece according to this article? The same man who got easily subdued by a child, much less.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation for the sudden change. Nothing off the wall like evil spirits possessing people to turn into serial killers for a higher power. Probably just a troubled childhood.

Oh, right. That whole semi-relevant objects have the ability to exorcise spirits business. Is that being brought back up?

This is the third time I've been back in this direction. This had better be fucking good...






This viewpoint makes me realize Bob would be a much better villain were he a midget. Maybe with reversed kooky speech or a funny accent. Something. Anything!


















Will Alyssa bust out her mad kung-fu skills? Just run away like the last ten times? Perhaps seek out a cardboard box or 2x4 to chuck at the villain? Heavens no...

It's going to be much more retarded...

First of all, let's crank up that ugly yellow filter for no readily apparent reason.

Now, let's crank out some glowing magical sigil to power-up our heroine.

And get crackin'

It seems the bottle of holy water has something to say about this latest development.



That being shattering and transforming into a magical bow.

Alyssa grabs an arrow from off-screen and puts those boarding school archery classes to the test.


Aaaand...it's broken orbit.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I present to you the method of defeating the stage's nemesis. A magical bow and arrow formed from the shards of a bottle of holy water which fell out of a bloody eyed statue's head in a secret room behind a fireplace.









Heaven or Hell?! Let's Rock!!

So, after an entire stage of running like hell, Alyssa now has the power of magical archery in her corner and the game's first boss battle ensues. You'll notice Alyssa now has a health bar, as she is blessed with iron will (which will completely crumble after this battle) so panic is no longer a factor. The rest of the controls are identical, other than Holy Water is now replaced with.

...Golden Arrows of Light.

Not unlike ones utilized to defeat a certain reoccurring villain in a world's better series.

The arrows have four levels of strength, which power up the longer the arrow is held.
Level 1: A pinprick which accomplishes nothing.
Level 2: If you're lucky, it will stun the enemy and do an extremely minor tick of damage.
Level 3: Deals minor damage and knocks the enemy back, stunned, for a moment.
Level 4: Shoots a binding arrow.
There are also special attack arrows, like the repellent one from earlier. They fire immediately upon use. The repellant arrow is equivalent to a slightly more damaging Level 3 arrow.

The objective of this and every other boss battle is to fire off a Binding Arrow.

These arrows, like the name suggests, bind old Bob within a short mystical energy leash. As he has no ranged attacks (the only new attack he has for the fight is a choking attack), he's pretty much fucked at this point.

Now, just one binding arrow won't do the trick, other than trapping Bob and making him look even more incompetent than he already was. No, the goal is to bind him with three of these arrows.

Upon readying an arrow after three bindings, Alyssa will bust out her super heavenly power final finishing attack. How she knows how to do that falls under the same rabble of unanswered questions as 'how is she an expert at archery' or 'where the fuck are those arrows coming from'. She just is, they just are, and she's gonna do it.












And those Robert "Sledghammer" Morris is blown apart with such force his rapeface is propelled into the stratosphere.


For her efforts, Alyssa gains the first piece of an even more retarded plot thread from later in the game.
Bob's death leaves Alyssa free to go back and take care of May. She heads back to the concert hall floor.























What the fuck am I looking at here...?

By the power of feel good happy time, May transforms back to her former non-crushed head self.












In a tragic turn of events, that scene was so unfuckingbelievably cheesy, Alyssa undergoes a severe brain hemorrhage.

She is dead before she hits the ground.

Alternatively...

It was all...

Just a horribly, horribly retarded dream...

So ends Stage One of the game...
Tune in to the next exciting episode for:

UGLY!

ANNOYING!!

GINGER KIDS!!!
Not to be featured:

A clock tower.
Bonus Content:
Sledgehammer Boss Intro
Magic Girl Sequence
Sledgehammer's Defeat Cutscene
Chapter Finale Cutscene
Sledgehammer's Scrapped Second Phase Transformation:
