Part 159: Hinnom - Turn 59

Turn 59

fat guy in a little coat opened the discussion with the verse, "As the bacon amongst the frying pan" (side of hash browns 2&2 sausages). HE ASKS: What is the bacon? AND HE REPLIES: It is the Kingdom of Hinnom, WHICH IS MAGNIFICENT. Because there is a piece of bacon; and there is another piece of bacon and now there is one less for I have eaten one. Just as the bacon among the eggs and the sausages and hash browns is tinged with ketchup and cholula, so is the Kingdom of Hinnom affected by the quality of sizzling fat and salted meat. Just as the bacon has strips of fat, so is the Kingdom of Hinnom is surrounded by the thirteen salted food groups of excellence. Thus, between the first mention of the name Hippomnomnomnomnom, WHICH APPEARS IN THE PASSAGE, "IN THE BEGINNING KING HIPPOMNOMNOMNOM CREATED" (BEARS SHITTING IN THE WOODS 1) TO THE SECOND MENTION OF KING HIPPOMNOMNOMNOMNOM, THERE ARE THIRTEEN WORDS IN THE VERSE, WHICH TRANSLATE AS "MUDS, AND EVERQUEST AND USENET GROUPS AND GEOCITIES AND INTERNET WITHOUT FORM AND VOID." These words surround some other words, but what are words, really when we have this excellent bacon in the frying pan? For is it not the bacon which I have eaten that protects my mouth from the taste of not bacon? And so is it King Hippomnomnomnom and not a bunch of shitty ass words that protect the Kingdom of Hippomnomnomnom but we should not be angry at words for they are what we use to describe bacon with eggs and hashbrowns and sausages and biscuits and gravy and also bacon with hamburgers and cheeseburgers and bacon wrapped around hot dogs and meat ships with bacon sails.

After this, THE NAME KING HIPPOMNOMNOMNOM is mentioned another time in the passage "KING HIPPOMNOMNOMNOM MOVED UPON THE WEB" (BEES OH GOD BEES EVERYWHERE 1:2;3:4:THERE ARE SO MANY FUCK). And why is it mentioned again? In order to bring out the five types of pork that surround the bacon. And these five PORKS represent the five tastes of salivation. And this secret is written in the verse, "I will raise the can of Mt. Dew" (TacoBell Ten:Pack). This is the 'cup of beating' that is raised after King Hippomnomnomnom beats your ass at video games. The cup of beating must rest on five fingers, and no more because that is all King Hippomnomnomnom has, just as the bacon rests on the five types of pork, the pork chop, the jowl, the cheddar wurst, the pig-in-a-blanket, the pulled pork, the spare ribs and the full roast pig, luau style. And this bacon is the cup of beating. FROM THE second to the third mention of the NAME HIPPOMNOMNOMNOM, there are five words, WHICH TRANSLATE AS "INTERNET DRAMA, AND N00B CANNON." AND THESE WORDS PARALLEL THE FIVE PORKS. From this point, THE VERSE CONTINUES, "KING HIPPOMNOMNOMNOM SAID...LET THERE BE STARCRAFT" (BEANS THE MAGICAL FRUIT EATMORE:TOOTMORE). After this, starcraft was created, and then a pit was dug, about three to four feet deep with the dirt piled around it six feet away, and banana leaves were cut off the stem and the trunk of the banana plant was halved and pounded flat, and the hole was filled with kindling and newspaper and the wood of the sacred tree was piled on top with large pieces in the center to create a smoke stack, and the rocks the size of grape fruits are stacked on top of the wood that the hole is filled in a slight cone shape, and lighter fluid is poured on the pile in great excess, and the fire is lit with great joy and excitement as of a small child playing with matches who has not yet burnt themselves, and the beer is drunk until the rocks are red and white hot and the burlap sacks are soaked in water and the pig is salted with rock salt and tied with chicken wire, and the preparations are proceeding nicely and stories are told about the glories of the Kingdom of Hinnom and many beers are drunk, and the rocks which are very hot are spread out using a big stick because they are hot and you should not touch them with only 75% fire resist, and the crushed banana trunks are placed on the rocks between three and six inches thick, and the pig is placed on the banana trunk and covered in banana leaves, and the banana leaves are covered in soaked burlap bags ye up unto the edge of the hole, and the entire thing is covered with sheets of plastic, and dirt is used to hold down the plastic which shall balloon up with steam, and then beer is drunk for twelve hours and passing out and waking up and still more beer and always poi is eaten, and then after twelve hours the pig is removed and cut up and served to the multitude and truly this is a luau.
-The Zohar of Hippomnomnomnomism

The first turn of King Hippomnomnomnom's long overdue and glorious revenge on T'ien Ch'i. None of these Haruspexes turn up anything, nor will they. Mary Schapiro is hoarding nature gems and won't let anyone else have any. Something about the property right being the most important right. Two more cyclops this turn brings the total to four. Blood hunting is up to 68 and moving nicely in the right direction, but I'm rapidly running out of blood hunting provinces.



Blood five has the two best remote attack spells in the game and Hellbind Heart, the blood equivalent of charm.


This is for when you want to keep what you take.


This is for when you want to use a scout to keep what you take. For my money, it's the best attack spell in the whole game. It's quite cheap and a single lesser horror kills low levels of PD all the time and higher levels of PD some of the time.


And this? This is for when you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucker in the room. Just kidding. It's just a niche spell for when you want to do damage to the entire battlefield or for when you're facing a billion maenads and you want to make a super death machine SC. It takes one hp from everyone on the battlefield and gives it to the caster. If it were unresistable it would be OK, but as it is it's pretty situational at best. At least it's a cool idea.


Queen Elizabeth bends the knee and recognizes King Hippomnomnomnom's supremacy.


She even sends one Bond, J. to assist him.


A flood of bubbles escaped from :Zero Emissions: mouth and the tiny tridents of the people of the Lake of Ethereal Water stabbed feebly at him. :Zero Emissions: repressed a sigh of frustration and switched to whale. "mmmmmrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg. uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaa." The mermen immediately dropped their weapons and prostrated themselves before :Zero Emissions:, recognizing the inherent majesty of King Hippomnomnomnom.


Schneeble reaps the harvest of his manipulation.


"BZZZZZZZZT, BOOOOOOOOOOP. beep... BEEP... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP" *STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB*



Goodbye Rainbow Dash (again), we hardly knew ye. (If Incy or Dexanth don't post about this eventually, I will)


Who's a good kraken? Awww, you are, aren't you! This kraken is made for raiding and summoning storm demons.


And here is Mr. Bond. He's made for replacing the mercenary Gibur and summoning more kraken.


BARBED WIRE BICEP TATTOO casts Earth Blood Deep Well. Earth Blood Deep Well is the earth gem generating global. It will give me +20 earth gems a turn. Because I don't have enough. Savnok forges a super cheap ring of sorcery using the hammer of the forge lord. Note how I didn't even get a message saying I'd cast King of Banefires but it still took my 50 D gems? That was frustrating. Hopefully vincent=bestcharacter has better luck with a King of Elemental Fire. Initially I had hoped that Schneeble would summon all the elemental royalty but after seeing a Queen of Air in irony or death's capital I decided I needed to get while the getting was good so I'm making a concerted effort to focus on elemental royalty going forward.



Darzatu patrols Fom as part of my "why is my unrest still so high, what a huge pain in the ass this is" program.


Let's take a look at what I'm worried about. Not the warriors of five elements, but The Biggest Poppa, the S9 Nataraja that will immediately enslave mind anyone I send against him. I do have an idea, but I'm nervous about it.


Incy has wasted no time in summoning Father Illearth, the corrupted King of Elemental Earth that can be summoned using blood and earth magic. He's also started summoning storm demons. Those are the little guys in the province south of Ferran Mountains. They throw lightning and they are awesome.



Gemgen Counter

Blood stones: 91
Cost: 423E, 684 slaves
Gems Generated: 1,082

Hinnom: over 1,000 earth gems generated!