Part 191: Hinnom - Diplomacy
Diplomacy
Many years ago…
What's that?
Oh, it's Dominions 3, the game of world domination being played by goons who can barely run their own lives.
Fast Forward
Have you seen a lot of action, Schneeble?
I've experienced my fair share, yes.
You cook any fools?
What?
Did you shoot anyone?
I shot a Raksharaja with a Kalashnikov.
Cor, where'd you get that?
The Raksharaja had the Kalashnikov.
Cor, where'd he get that?
Have you ever seen Point Break?
No.
Amazing bit in Point Break where they jump over fences.
Is there now.
Patrick Swayze has just robbed this bank, and Keanu Reeves is chasin' him through peoples' gardens, and then he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't because he loves him so much and he's firin' his gun up in the air and he's like 'ahhh!'
Yep.
Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'?
No I have not ever fired my gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'!
Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?
No.
Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?
No.
Have you ever been involved in a high speed pursuit?
Yes I have.
Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit?
No!
Do you wanna watch Point Break?
OK.
I won't argue that it was a no-holds-barred adrenaline fuelled thrill-ride, but there's no way that you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
Later…
How's Incy?
He's in the freezer.
Did you say 'cool off'?
No, I didn't say anything actually.
Shame.
There was a bit earlier that you missed when I distracted him with a cuddly monkey, then I said 'playtime's over' and I hit him with the Water Queens.
You're off the fuckin' chain!
Listen... there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it. It's kind of important to me.
What is it?
Well... I put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptial alliance agreement.
A pre-nup?
Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha!
What's so funny?
You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Ha ha. Yeah, gimme the papers I'll sign 'em.
You know we're in lategame where gems are what counts right? And I have this maenad horde.
Shit. I take it back. I'm not signing anything!
Schneeble, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If Morphosyntactic Ambiguity loses her title as Pantokrator, that's it for me. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I had just the perfect combination of pizza grease and grape soda. It was the proudest moment of my life.
Fine.
Ta-daa...
Schneeble, what are you doing?!
Saving your skin!
Schneeble, this is murder!
It's not murder, it's ketchup!
It's irony.or.death! He's appointed himself judge, jury, and executioner!
He is not Judge Judy and executioner!
He is! You've got to help me take him down!
I can't. He's my ally
My name is Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor.
Dude.
It's all for the greater good.
The greater good...
The greater good…
The greater good...
The greater good...
The greater good...
The greater good?
The greater good...
The greater good…
The greater good...
The greater good...
The greater good...
This is crazy! What about Xanrick? Xanrick continued our alliance so we could win this game. And whatever peace he made with Pan, it worked. But then something must have happened. He must have heard something before he...I don't know why, but he changed his mind. Because the last thing he did was to warn us that the person playing Pan is not who they said they were. So I'm not listening to you. I'm listening to my friend. I'm listening to Xanrick.
What?
Look, I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be Pantokrator, except in the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Dawkish; he was playing Sauromatia. He became my ally on turn 5. We rode round every second I was awake in a flying carpet he bought me, arresting players twice as good as us for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young but, it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Dawkish.
Sounds like a good bloke.
Actually he was arrested for selling drugs to students.
What a cunt.
Probably bought the carpet with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never forgot the sense of right and wrong I learned behind the wheel of that flying carpet. I had to prove to myself that the law was proper, and righteous, and for the good of Avvite kind.
Shame.
How so?
I think you'd have made a great Muppet.
Stop! Stop this, please! Let us stop this mindless violence! builds character my son, you may not be a man of God, but surely you are a man of peace.
I may not be a man of god, irony.or.death, but I know entertainment, and I know boring grinding out wins on turn 214, and I have the good grace to know which is which.
Oh... fuck off, grasshopper!
NO!
AAAH! Jesus Christ!
BUILDS CHARACTER! I thought you was a goner.
Construction site.
DROP YOUR SUPERCOMBATANTS!
irony.or.death, no!
Shut up, Schneeble! I brought you into this game, sort of, anyway, I think it's rather fitting that I should be the one to take you out of it. You and your interfering little friend. Now... drop 'em.
OW!
You're a goon. Deal with it.
Yeah, motherfucker.
Schneeble, let's roll.
What you thinking?
Climactic one-off battle where we mash all our pixelmans together while shouting PEW PEW PEW?
I'll be on defense!
SHOTGUN! PUNCH...THAT...SHIT!
Much, much later…
Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they're all out of you!