Drakengard 3 Part #14 - Episode X: In Which There are Architectural Failures

Part 14: Episode X: In Which There are Architectural Failures

Episode X: In Which There are Architectural Failures

Music: Descendus (Instrumental)

Now that we're in the mid-mission time out, let's do a bit of housekeeping. For instance, Zero picked up a new weapon in the previous mission. So let's mosey on over to the Weapon History zone to see what's shakin' in this blade's past.

CEREMONIAL BLADE posted:

A decorative sword passed across the generations by a noble family.
Weapon Type: Sword
Weapon Size: Small

The prince I serve was destined to lead or nation.
But alas, we had been nearly destroyed in an unjust war;
betrayed from within, and left to wither and die.

The prince I serve grew into a strong, handsome young man.
After much grueling toil, he rebuilt our land and became
its king. It was a wonderful, wonderful land.

But that land is long gone. You will find it on no map.
And my king fell when his nation was defeated.

My king kept this ceremonial blade close. And to the very
end, he never suspected me. It remains a regret of mine.
...Ah, but no matter. It's just a silly little story now.

Pfft weak. If this was a legit story the guy would have murdered the king, his children, and then slashed his own throat in a fit of madness. Bonus points if the blade was made out of his own leg. That was a weapon story, right? Leg bone sword. I don't think I made that up.

While we're in the neighborhood, Accord's online shopping storefront is having a hot new offer on Thunder Lord swords. Hold High Punch for five seconds for maximum savings!

THUNDER LORD posted:

A sword said to have imprisoned thunder itself. You can hear it rumble.
Weapon Type: Sword
Weapon Size: Medium

Once there was a hellish wasteland covered by thundering
skies. It changed hands countless times, and its people were
tormented by unending hunger and merciless lightning.

One day, a valiant young baron swore to conquer the land
and turn it into a place of bounty. Few of his exhausted
subjects believed him. Some even laughed openly.

The baron had forged a fine sword of silver, then ordered a
group of virgins to pray for three days and nights. Atop a hill,
he raised the sword high, then thrust it into the ground.

After a stormy night, the skies cleared. The young baron was
gone, and a fruit tree stood on the hill with the silver sword
entangled in its branches. It still rumbles to this day.

Nice to see a heroic Baron once in a while. That seems to be a feudal lord roll reserved exclusively for scumbags. Now it is expanded to scumbags and idiots that do not know how lightning works. It's very progressive.

Music: Voidscape

Now that our inventory management has concluded it is once more time for camping with the troops. Sadly no fantasy Winnebago's exist in Drakengard's universe.

Yep.

So how do you move it around, then?

There's a parasite that attaches it to my body.

What? Not a machine or anything? Freaky! ...Can I see it?

Some other time.

Me too! I wanna see, I wanna see!

Knock it off!

Tch.

Sadly, Zero is full of shit about playing show and tell with the gang and her arm big companion. And it will never be brought up again. However, there is an illustration of the freaky critter in the art book:

Where did Mr. Arm Parasite hail from? How did Zero get it? How does that even begin to work? You got me! But there you go.

But... why don't you make a new arm instead of using that fake one?

I have my reasons. ...Grown-up reasons.

Man, grown-ups sure have it tough...

Yep. Now shut up. Hmph. All we wound up finding in that region was a lousy mutt.

Hey, Zero! I was flying around earlier, trying to be helpful and stuff... And I think I saw a shrine over in that direction! It looked big! Really big!

Hey, yeah. I've heard something about that. They say the shrine in the Land of Mountains is spread out like a plaza.

Sooo, what? North, then? ...All right, let's go.

And the shrine where Four was said to be hiding out was itself hidden within a massive defensive facility...

Verse 2: Deliberations
New Music: Registance ~ Battleground

I would assume that's Four's hideout...

Damn. Look at the size of that place... Your sis must be real scared of dyin'.

Dragon. What say you go burn some shit?

Huh? But... they'll all catch on fire.

...Thaaaat's the idea.

For this mission Zero will just be plowing straight through the Land of Mountain's Proto-Imperial Garrison to the desperate lament of everyone inside. Seriously this mission is just a non-stop deluge of soldiers losing their shit as Zero's casualty count skyrockets.

Gah! Fire! I'M ON FIRE!

AAAH! It's attacking us!

Put it out! PUT IT OUT!

Listen to 'em! Those poor fools are burning up! The smells, the screams... MAN, I'm gonna sleep great tonight!

You're pretty fucked up, aren't you?

Heh... You really know how to compliment a fella.

It's Zero! Kill the accursed Intoner!

Heh. Someone's an eager beaver. Hey, dummy. Why don't you go show 'em who's boss?

M-Me? I dunno, I don't like being all mean to--

Shut up and take out those cannons! I'll handle these shits on the ground.

Nnngh... All right! I got it! I got it!

And stop repeating yourself!

Unfortunately Mikhail is not particularly up to the task of taking out stationary artillery without the aide of someone riding on his back and screaming burn orders into his ear. So Zero will have to slay the cannon operators and their dozen strong escort to free up the skies. Zero you're too harsh on Mikhail. At least he's putting on the appearance of being helpful. Dito might as well have ducked out to go take a dump for the duration of this mission for as much as he's pulling his weight.

Aw, thanks, Zero...

Sorry? What was that?

Um... thank you?

"Thank you very much!"

Thank you very much!

...Better.

At roughly the mid-point of the mission, the party comes upon the obligatory early game mid-boss enemy introduction of the stage. Meet the Ogres. Of all the non-human baddies we've encountered thus far, ogres are by far the most rubbish of the lot. They fell on hard times after that rap beef with Oda Nobunaga heated up a years back.

Watch out! It's an ogre!

This guy's dumber than a sack of hammers.

Yeah, dumber than hammers!

...But smarter than you.

Yeah, smarter than-- Hey, that's mean!

Ha ha! Look at 'em run! That's right--flee, suckers!

What's so funny, Dito?

Just enjoying the freak show, watching all these ugly fools dying left and right!

They just keep dribbling out, like an old man's piss...

Ogres are slightly faster than the Gigas or Titans, but have the flailing range half as long as either. Our initial introduction to ogres is easing us in with one-on-one fights to start off. But in general, the ugly bastards like to travel in groups of three or four. Strength in numbers and all that. I don't like the ogres' generic re-design in Drakengard 3. I miss the original game's fat tall naked guys sporting paper bags for faces.

Yeah that's the ones! Oh well, I suppose it doesn't matter. Caim ethnic cleanses the lost of 'em during Drakengard 1.

Which is not to say Zero fails to pull her weight in the systematic eradication of the ogre folk.

After dealing the the ogre trio and friends, a bit further ahead we get introduced to our first Tier 2 enemy: An armored Gigas. Since clearly, duct taping sheets of scrap metal to the lumbering dolt of a monster will bolster its offensive capability ten fold. I mean look how well it's going for the hundreds of soldiers decked out in full plate metal.

What if I'm not?

If you're not okay, then run! Run away!

Run away and do what?

Um... run away and live happily ever after somewhere else? Remember, Zero. You can't confuse recklessness with bravery!

Oh, for the love of... Who taught you that happy horseshit?

Hee hee! I know! Pretty great, huh?

Shut up, idiot! It wasn't a compliment!

As likely implied by the name "Armored Gigas", this variation of the mid-boss has been decked out with armor plating over its chest and limbs. Luckily, despite the measures to protect our long tongued friend here the strapped together Gigas 2.0's protection with the cheapest rotten rope and Grimdark Dollar Tree duct tape. This can all easily be torn away in just a few weapon strikes up until the poor thing looks like it's cosplaying as a giant mutant Voldo from Soul Calibur.

After getting stripped down to its birthday suit and a few choice pieces of two story tall S&M gear, the Gigas will attempt to maintain its dignity by activating essentially a Devil Trigger type power up and go into berserk mode.

In berserk mode, the Gigas gains the ability to dash across the arena at a swift little clip. The big fellow is a bit too enthusiastic, however, as while it has learned the ability to run... stopping is altogether a different matter. The only way a dashing Gigas can stop is by either tripping over its own two feet resulting in a less than graceful faceplant. Or else it can just run into a wall and stun itself like the damn fool monster it is...

In the end it's a mercy really that Zero sees it fit to lop off one of its legs. It was only hurting itself in the end. Mostly because the dash is absurdly easy to avoid by moving a few meters to the right or left. Turning was also a dump stat for the Gigas. RIP.

Following the armored Gigas brawl a new obstacle bars Zero's path: A flimsy barricade she could clearly jump right over. Possibly climb past or... you know... just completely bypass with the flying lizard companion. Zero is not particularly good at thinking outside the box.

Ooh! Let me help! Let me help, Zero!

Go for it.

Alright, Mikhail. That whole cannon business was a bust. And you couldn't be arsed to take out that battleship without direct intervention. But I have every confidence in your ability to perform under pressure while dwelling within the Cutscene Zone.

See, there you go kiddo! No swe--

Trophy Unlocked: Drakengard3.jpg

RIP Zero. You died as you lived. Abusing and yelling obscenities at a dumbass baby dragon mostly brought on yourself by the lack of anything resembling common sense.

Ugh. C'mon, Four's waiting!

Fiiiine...

Dito? What are you doing here? How come you didn't get caught in the collapse?

Well, I figured your pal there wasn't smart enough to blow up just the barricade. So I hung back to see what would happen. ...I mean, duh?

Don't "duh" me, asshole!

Heh. You know, Z, your lack of common sense is kinda cute.

You wanna die?

Following Zero's misadventures in gravity we take a brief trek through the Land of Mountain's mines. Since as we all know mountain themed regions are contractually obligated to have at least one mine segment as dictated by the 1952 Minecart Convention of Louisville, Kentucky. I mean, duh?

A mine full of zero miners later...

Um, Zero? I don't think we can go in the normal way.

What do you mean?

Her song's putting up some kind of invisible barrier!

Hmph. Thinks she's so goddamn clever, does she? We'll make our way through here. You fly up and find another route.

You heard her. Make us proud, dragon!

I will! I promise!

Despite claims to be clever by use of the ever versatile ~~pulled out of their asses as the plot demands~~ power of the Intoners. Four failed to secure the gate leading further into her compound. Thank goodness, we would have really been boned now that the flight option we'd been ignoring completely is now off the table.

What?

What kind of sister is Four?

The sleazy kind.

Sleazy? You mean she's slutty, like Five?

Not quite like that, no. She acts all sugary sweet on the surface. But deep down, she's evil. I mean, you kinda have to be evil to be a virgin Intoner.

Huh? What's a virgin?

...Never mind that.

So you reeeally can't get along with her?

Really. I can't deal with virgins.

You can't deal with... virgins?

No, I can't. Now drop it!

Since they already blew their mid-boss quota with the ogres earlier in the mission, Zero's final obstacle will just be a room where the soldiers were organizing some manner of mosh pit given the number of them all crammed into a tiny nondescript area for no decent reason.

It's all or nothing, now! Kill the Intoner!

You must really want to die, huh? Well, far be it from me to let you down!

Are you all right? There's a loooot of enemies down there!

No worries. They die pretty quick.

And then they get replaced by another round of reinforcements. The alternate translation of this stage's mission music is "Reinforcement's Attack". Slightly more fitting given the circumstances.

But Four's brainwashed legion of goons aren't the only ones that can call in back-up. We may be in a small sealed room in a brick tower flooded with bodies. Of course inviting the fire breathing dragon to join the party sounds absolutely reasonable given the setting.

My shoulders are killing me.

I'll give you a massage tonight. Just kill 'em all!

Umm...

What's the matter?!

The wall! It's hard! And thick! Like, REALLY hard and thick!

Just make it happen!

Mikhail does his best Kool-Aid man impression. I bet somewhere out there in Drakengard land there is a mace holding the tale of some grimdark Kool-Aid man analog terrorizing peasants. Cuz let's face, Kool-Aid man is fucked up if you just sit there and think about him for a minute. A glass golem filled with an unidentified red liquid smashing through your damn wall? No thank you! That is a bad scene.