... hurp... uh oh here it SPLORTTTTT PBBBBBBLTTTTTTTT gasp FWWOOOOOSHH god this NNNNNNGGGGGG PBBBBBBBSSSSST ok i think BLARRRRRFFFFFFF BRAFBRAF UUUUURGFFFFF
Oh man... my head. Good God how much did I have to drink last night... I must've passed out in these bushes behind the castle. Ugh, and that must be the French Onion Soup I had for dinner on the ground next to me. Man, that smells good.
I have a killer hangover and I slept in my armour. Have you ever slept on two hundred pounds of lumpy metal? It's not the meditative bliss you might assume.
And what in the hell is that? Were those stairs here last night? You'd think I'd remember ... well ... anything. Ok, maybe not.
Well, my head is pounding, I'm dizzy, and I'm seeing spots, but at least it's dark down there. VV
It's like Alien down here. I don't know what those rotating lights floating around the room are, but judging from the movie, I assume they're computers and try really hard not to look directly at them.
My eyes feel like I've been rubbing sand in them, and going by how much I had to drink last night, I wouldn't put it past me. I hear footsteps and stumble towards them.
: Excuse me... uhh... can you tell me where I am?
: Yeah... yeah that's... okay, just not so loud...
: Cheers, mate.
Further down the hallway, my eyes adjust to the darkness and I can see vague silhouettes moving about around me. Just ahead, I see the glint of the tip of a cigar, and walk towards it in the vain hope that I might actually get some answers.
: Did... did you just say he would kill me with his eyes? god i feel like a japanese toilet
: Don't question me, boy.
: Okay just shut up and stop blowing smoke this way or I'm going to throw up on you.
: I does as I please.
: ... right. I really don't think I have the energy to argue with you right now so I'll just promise to ... watch out for his eyes ...
So many stairs... so tired... I wish I had one of those machines that you sat on and it climbed the flight for you. Right, the Chairmatic. Damn, I love it when things have the suffix of -matic. It's bitchin-matic.
... gasp ... sputter ... my God ... I feel like I'm trapped in an Escher painting. This is absurd. I've climbed about fifty flights of stairs, pausing only to dry heave into the corner at every landing. At this rate, if that Octowhatever is around here somewhere, I'll be so tired he'll actually be able to kill me with his eyes.
You know, I'm not sure what's more astonishing to me, that a creature actually exists that cannot move its body, but is freely able to control its nine eyes, or that a creature with nine eyes is called the Octopolus. They just spin about him, at that.
Then he disconnects them and they fly around the room at me. You'll notice I haven't moved at all at this point, which is partly because if I move my legs, I'll collapse and partly because I really don't have to. This is seriously the easiest boss in the game. You just shoot at its centre eye and eventually it's dead. There's no dodging and no strategy beyond that. Probably for the best, since every time I move, the smell of old vomit wafts up into my nose from the encrusted goo stuck in my armour, and it makes me want to die.
You'd be surprised what killing an ugly son of a bitch will do for a hangover. Holy Hell, I feel better already. In fact, I feel spectacular. They should package this. From now on, whenever I have a bad hangover, I'm going to kill me some helpless rabbits and see if that helps. I feel like I'm on coke or something; this is fucking aweso-matic.
OH CHRIST MAYBE I AM ON COKE, WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!
Is this starting to remind anyone else of Silent Hill?
Next Time: The end?