Part 6

Behind Water Castle is a village overrun with aliens. The red energy-beings have been replaced by purplish-grey palette shifts, and a cold chill runs through the air like freezing metal being pressed against the back of my neck. The once lush fields of lavender have been replaced by dry, cracked soil punctuated every so often with a ridged hole stretching into what seems like the abyss below. A fog hangs heavy in the air and with each step the echoes from walls unseen startle me into turning swiftly in case I'm being followed by God knows what. My blue steel armour is stained with the blood of the dead Tigerbeast, and my hands drip with sweat.

Suddenly, from below, the ground cracks and yawns, a great sound like flames engulfing a deadened tree emanating from the wound in the very earth. From the chasm rises a terrifying laugh -- a sickly, soulless sound, as if from the depths of Hell. My eyes water and my ears sting from its voluminous squeals before I even see the source of this great disturbance.

First, just a bluish-tinted swath of what looks like straw appears, but no -- not straw, but rather, to my surprise, the dry, unkempt material is actually hair. Then, rising from the darkness below, eyes red as the blood dripping from the sullied corpse of my dead enemies appear, staring into the depths of my self, piercing my heart and paralyzing my mind. The laugh, that deathly demonic laugh repeats, and I want to run. The face, seemingly long dead, rises further from the parched sand until, to my horror, I realize the extent of this awful beast. The neck ends in roots with no body to be found; beyond, there is nothing but the blackness of the hole from whence she came. The terrifying visage approaches me slowly, its dark-veined lips spreading into a horrible grin, as if to swallow my consciousness down with it, down, down, down into that mysterious end of days.

"I am death and the undying", she hisses, "that which is and will never be."

"That's fine", I reply, "but quite honestly, what self-respecting man wouldn't want a little head once in a while? "

And with that, I kick her right in her stupid, ugly face, sending her flying into the fog beyond. Stupid bitch. <>

Further up the road, there's a house with a man in it. He's standing in the middle of the room doing nothing, so you can tell that whatever he has to say is going to be really fucking important. He tells me that the massive tower he happened to have build his house next to is an evil place named Cherry Tower.

Sounds vicious.

What's more, the matron of this vile stronghold is named Alexis and I shouldn't fall for her evil beauty.

Looks like Jesus is going to get a late birthday present after all. I spit on my hand and slick my hair back and thank the man for worrying, but I've got a ten inch cock and it can tame even the wildest of women. I jam on a pair of sunglasses and get ready to kick some ass and take some names.

When you were a kid, did you ever make snack plates shaped like faces? Shaved carrot hair, raisin mouths, two cucumber slices for eyes and apple slices for ears? It was delicious and fun, but not nearly big enough -- no, I've always wanted to build an entire castle that looked like a face about to swallow you. Especially if the doorway is its mouth. I wonder what they would call this in architectural terms. Might I suggest "neo-ridiculous"?

Classy. It's not quite a spiral stairway, but instead a spiral ramp. I guess even the best of evil lairs has to be wheelchair accessible. vv

I especially like the dice adorning the tops of the walls. I ponder what it's all supposed to mean, since the imagery is never repeated throughout the rest of the game, but think better of it and instead run to the next floor, eager to meet (meat? ) Alexis.

Egads. These things look like dwarves and take about fifteen shots to kill. Not only that, but they spawn really goddamn fast, and it eventually seems like the rooms fill up with them. This is one of the hardest castles in the game if only because of the sheer number of baddies that they throw at you.

Case in point: this is one of the more sparse rooms. The fire, electricity, and flying rocks have been replaced by some sort of rotating blades, and yet I still don't bother to take the time to kill them, but rather just try to time my runs through so I don't get hit. What makes it more difficult is that the spiders are sunken two tiles deep so that no diagonal shots can hurt them, meaning you have to attack them head on and risk getting hit.

Oh God, the eyes on stilts are all looking at me.

: OH, NOT YOU AGAIN.
: ...
: I thought I told you it wasn't going to happen! You're just NOT MY TYPE.
: ...

: NO MEANS NO.

He's persistent, but not that smart. He'll walk right towards you, but never correct his movement if there's something in his path, so if I stand just a little staggered off center of the tile, I can shoot him while he walks in place over and over again. At least when people ask him about his black eye, he won't have to lie about walking into a wall.

: And now that we are alone, I have something to show you too.

Uhh, Lexy? Your teeth... you have something in your teet-- nevermind.

HOLY SHIT HOW MUCH DID I HAVE TO DRINK LAST NIGHT?!

Waking up next to this is like that time I picked up a girl in a bar and the next day woke up to discover that it was my grandmother. Man, that was an awkward Thanksgiving! VV

Yeah, well, it was probably for the best; there's a reason Alexis is usually the name people give their dog.


Next Time: RETURN OF THE PRINCESS