Part 10: Update Ten: Primeval Is An Awful Show

Last time on Earthbound, we found the Giant Step. And then got stopped by a cop on our way out of the dungeon, who told us to get to the police station. So, let's get that out of the way, shall we?



The police station is to the south.



Ooh! A trashcan!



C'mon, more trash burgers!



Aww, fiddlesticks.



: I demand to know the meaning of this outrage, sir! Why haven't you thrown out perfectly good hamburgers?





: Well, yes, I can, but that's not the issue here!



: Oh, forget it. I bet you eat those veggieburgers anyway.



"Fresh Breeze Movement"

That lady got organized fuckin' quickly.



: Umm...Okay. Well, this father and his family enter this talent agent's office, but the talent agent isn't particularly interested to see another family act. But, the father pleads for him to hear them out and the agent finally agrees to listen. The father says, "Alright, this act begins when my pregnant, teenage daughter drops her knickers, while her overweight, waterhead brother--"





: Nobody appreciates the classics anymore.



Disgruntled, Nass heads toward the police station.



It's not as big as the RPD led me to believe police stations are.



: Step! Now you listen here... "Don't Enter" means just that-- DO NOT ENTER! You got that?



He's got quite a speech for Nass.











And now you can tell why I didn't feel like transcribing most of that! Though, God, it is things like that that make me love this game.



Captain Strong here is the bigwig around here. Let's see if we can get that road to Twoson open. To hell with Pirkle; he's useless.



Emergency, my ass!







Well, it certainly sounds like a town that would be good to visit after Onett.



...Who the hell chortles anymore? Seriously. I don't even know what a chortle would friggin' sound like.





Remember that big-ass empty room I showed earlier?



Raise your hand if you didn't think this would end up as a boss fight room.



I'd love to see an episode of SVU go down like this. "You want to prove you didn't rape that girl? Defeat Elliot Stabler and John Munch in a cage match!"



Thankfully, you don't have to fight all five cops at once. That'd be a Goddamned nightmare.





All five of these cops are boss fights.



For these fights, the basic strategy of "Bash, heal as necessary" will suffice, as it will for so many of the early boss fights.





They have 75 HP each and Cops can dish out some decent damage. They'll only take two or three hits to drop, but they can deal some serious damage in that time.



This is their "strong" attack.



And it, indeed, is strong.



Oh, come the fuck on!



Cops are dickholes.



Now, he has just a few HP before his ass is down, but that's still enough for him to potentially kill me.





Life Up Alpha is a wonderful PSI power for a good while, as it'll restore around 100 HP, give or take a few points.



Aw, shit. This is not good.



I am so glad I decided to heal up. You'll see later how this can get pretty sticky.





Of course, I can't escape without the Cop getting one last lick in on me.



They drop pretty good exp., though.



To be fair, officer, you were just hitting me with your hands, while I was using a bat to beat in your brains.



As you defeat each of them, they'll leave the room.



In the original, this said, "Your average policeman is stronger than Superman!"



These fights are all going to look pretty similar, but that's because they are.



But, if I have to sit through this gauntlet, than so do you, dammit.





More Life Up Alpha; I didn't have as many as Hamburgers as I should have.





Handled that one rather quickly; I was slightly surprised. The next one doesn't quite go so well.



I guess this means that Nass is stronger than your average super hero!



And that is two cops down, three to go.



: Bring it on, fat boy!

This cop is a friggin' jackass.



And an even bigger douchebag in battle.







Look at my HP; it's 36. I didn't think he'd SMAAAAAAASH twice in a row.



Oh, God, I am going to die.



But, wait, there's a light at the end of the tunnel!



Since I entered the command to use Life Up Alpha before Nass died (i.e., before his HP rolled down to zero), Nass is allowed to use it and gets to continue fighting. Things like this make this game hell of a thrill ride sometimes.



I managed to dodge his next attack, thankfully.



No such luck this time, though.



However, this cop has been finished off. Jesus, though, that was a hell of a close fight. Had my HP been much lower, I'm not sure if I could have hit the Life Up in time.



I'm not sure if I want to.



I get a feeling he's not kidding.



We're almost done with this gauntlet.





I could have done some more grinding in the Giant Step cave, which could have made this phenomenally easier. But, I'm sure you guys are enjoying seeing me get my ass kicked.



I am ashamed of this amount of damage.



What the fuck, game!



Just, seriously, what the fuck!



Wanting to save some PSI, I decide to eat my last Hamburger.



I could have sworn these things were far more effective just a minute ago...



Oh, thank you, Jesus.



Oh, fuck you, Jesus.





Give and take, give and take...



I like seeing this number. I'd like it more if they gave out about ten times that amount, though.



He's very upset about it.



So upset, he's gently caressing the captain's earlobe with his tongue.



The last cop pusses out, having seen the rest of them get their asses beat.





: It's time for a gay-off!



Captain Strong wins by a landslide. That's one hell of a non standard Game Over, huh?*



Never mind. He's just going to beat our ass five ways from Friday using kung-fu.



This is the real "boss" of this gauntlet.



Captain Strong has 140 HP, nearly double that of his Cops; he's also faster, more powerful, and has better defense than they do, too. He's got a couple of different attacks. Only one of which will actually hit me in this fight.



This is why I saved enough PP. I'm gettin' tired of this bullshit.





When the good captain loses his temper, his offense goes up. He doesn't seem to do this very often, thankfully, as he hits hard enough to begin with.





Doing this at the start of the fight makes it vastly easier; halving his HP cuts down on how much he can beat you to a pulp.





Captain Strong is not screwing around in this fight.



I guess Nass is, though.



I guess now they're both just goofing off.



Life Up Alpha comes in handy again.



He loses his temper again, and gains another point of offense. Before our defense is calculated in, if I understand the formula correctly, he's dealing 44 damage. That's a hell of a lot.





This is his final, and strong, attack.



Let's see, 66 before defenses, so something like...48 damage, I believe. I'm glad that one missed.



Our next attack drops Captain Strong, though. Oddly enough, he was the easiest of the fights, pretty much. Offensive PSI powers can go a long way toward victory in this game. If you try to just bash your way through everything, you're going to get into a lot of trouble.















More guts is always nice. More guts equal more SMAAAASH attacks, after all.



I also like having more vitality, too.



Luck is nice, too, I guess. I'm not exactly sure what it does in this game; I imagine it probably functions similarly to Luck in a lot of other RPGs. Criticals, loot drops, etc. If someone knows the exact function, I'd love to hear it.



No PP this level, unfortunately.



This could have been useful a few minutes ago, game! I knew I should have done more grinding!



After that third cop, I started doubting myself too, Captain.





Now, this next image, has one of my favorite sprites in the entire game. Seriously, it's fucking awesome.



Look at that! He's got a fucking radio!



No, I can't say why I love Captain Strong with his radio so much.



: minutes...He's a kid in a red cap... I want you to open the road to Twoson for him. I know that... I know that!...



And one more of Radio Strong for the road.



: again... Good luck!





This is good a place as any to stop for the day. We just beat up five cops, after all. How many people can claim that (that aren't sitting inside of a prison cell)?



And our status screen for the road. It even has a small peek at the next area!

Next time, we're going to Twoson! Stay tuned!

*Fun Fact: I originally GIS'd "Really Gay Cops" before I remembered the Village People exist. Oddly enough, there was no outright gay porn there. I don't know why I told all of you this, but here you go.

Bonus Video

Hey, want to see me get my ass kicked? Here you go! It's the Police Station sequence, starting from the first cop, all the way to Captain Strong radioing shit in.