Part 12: Update Twelve: Warehouse 13 Is Cool

Welcome back! Last time on Earthbound, we made our way to Twoson, beat up an old drunk and kicked a hippy's ass. It was a productive day. Today will be even more productive!



It occurred to me, at the end of the last update, I hadn't healed up. For a quick $50, I can fix that issue.



I think I can spare it. Jeez, if I had $1,000 in real life...



Well, I'd probably buy a new DS and an external hard drive. Did you guys know I recorded over 130 gigs of shit for Super Mario RPG? And the L and R buttons don't work on my DS so well anymore...



There may be two beds in here, but if we stay here with more people than just Nass, we'd have to pay $50 a head.



Alright, outta here we go.



Nass is like, twelve. With psychic powers. And an RPG protagonist.



: Of course I'm interested in the local news.



...Ghosts? Oh, my God, Nass is going to see shit that's going to turn us white.



This guy is very important.



Well, slightly important is probably a better phrase for him.



He has a ton of different shit to say.



About eighteen different lines. There is no fucking way I'm showing all of them.



Just a few choice ones.



This guy is kind of a douche.



Paydirt!



And now we've recouped our losses for staying at the hotel in the first place. This only works once, though. Even so, free $50!



That's one of my favorite "secrets" in this game. It's amazing how many people seem to react with, "Holy shit, I never knew that!"





Anywho, we're going to the park today. And since I can't hear the bitchin' bike theme, I'm going to walk.



We'll be back for you, theater. And for you, Blues Brothers knockoffs (they're still awesome, though. Not a crappy knockoff).



There is some cool stuff here. Especially one thing that I'm going to drop $350 on.



See, Burglin Park is a kind of flea market. I like it. Then again, I like flea markets and all that shit, too.



: He's got ties to burglaries and kidnappings in this area. He's a scary guy.

Well, I'm just certain we'll never meet him, then.



Like a low-rent Batman?



"I am the twilight between sunset and dusk!" It'd be awesome.







I honestly felt like a racist asshole transcribing this guy's lines. That's kind of weird, isn't it?



Condiments are an actual, semi-important thing in Earthbound. I'll let this lady (who I've dubbed Cynthia) explain.

: The right condiment makes a dish taste better, while the wrong one makes taste worse. If the condiment matches the food, you will get more power than if you ate the food plain.

Thank you, Cynthia.



Sure! Tell me more about them, Robert! (What, I like naming NPCs in my head. Don't judge me. )

: the seasonings will sprinkle automatically. They come in these cute little packets and jars. What kind do you like?



I generally don't use condiments, but I know Ketchup goes well with either Hamburgers or Fries. I don't think there are any real oddball combinations out there; most of 'em make sense, from what I recall. I buy a Ketchup packet, as I still have a Hamburger left. Also, I could eat just the Ketchup packet, but it only restores 6 HP. I can't seem to find a list of how condiments affect foods, but I think using a Ketchup packet on a Hamburger will restore over 100 HP.



: warm-hearted for a crime boss.



I'm not a huge fan of eggs, unless they're scrambled.



Hell no.



Considering the way this adventure has gone, and where it might go, Nass may not make it to his teen years.

: What!?



No. If you buy the egg, eventually, it will hatch into a chick. Before long, it'll grow into a chicken. The game gives an aural cue on this, but since I can't hear shit in the game, I'm never going to remember I have the chicken. Ergo, I'm not buying one.



Yeah, whatever. Normally, I buy the egg, but I'd rather not find a dead chicken in my backpack.



Man, this dirty motherfucker gets around.





I feel like I'm on American Pickers!



It's true, they will. And they'll actually buy some of your shit.



There's even a bakery lady around here. Sweet.



...That's worse than picking an eclaire out of the trash.



Oh, well. It's all shit I don't want, anyway.



Even though I bought the damned "For Sale" sign, this asshole doesn't react at all.



way!

So, let's taunt him with it!



After waiting a little bit, about fifteen seconds, I'd wager, a customer does, indeed, flock to us.



I'm going to wish I hadn't sold this in about half an hour.



In time, the "For Sale" sign is going to pay for itself.



Well, hello there, stereotype man. I thought I detected your foul stench.



I'm almost offended by this guy, but...



He has an upgrade for our Cheap Bracelet!



Not a problem, brudda.



Of course!



Five may not seem like a huge increase, but it's going to be well worth it, believe you me.



Items sell for half of their buying price.



I just can't help but feel someone would be shot if this game were released today...



Jesus Christ, I forgot how much shit there is in Burglin Park. And there's still crap I want to show off this update.



Not right now, but I'll be back. Bananas restore about 25 HP when eaten, by the way. They go well with cream, I've learned.



I like to think this lady is just a crazy cat lady, but with bananas.



Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself?



Rulers are useless, 99% of the time. There's only one instance I can think of off the top of my head where I'd want one. But, that's a loooooong way off.



"Keeping a constant watch over this park is no easy task. There's a disease spreading through this grass and the citizens walking through it."





"I am the fat turd this city deserves!"



What the hell is this guy doing?



Yeah, it's a boss fight out of fuckin' nowhere. What of it?



Oh-ho, it's the infamous Everdred!



182 HP, with high defense and decent offense. Everdred is considered a boss, but in practice, he's just a glorified Annoying Old Party Man.



And apparently, he's also a tranny or something.



He spends a lot of the fight just fucking off.



And since grinning at me reminds me of those GODDAMNED BULLSHIT THIEVING CROWS, he's going to taste the Bacon!



I was hoping for more, but half of his health in one go ain't too shabby.





When he does actually attack, Everdred has a bit of power behind his hits.



He's slower than Nass, too. He's one of the few enemies we've encountered that hasn't outsped our intrepid protagonist.



All in all, a very easy fight, really. It might be a tad intimidating for new players, since it's a boss fight out of fuckin' nowhere, but Everdred shouldn't cause anyone any issues.







Fuck yeah, lucky number thirteen!



I need to go smoke...

Five minutes later...



: I twisted my ankle. Anyway, I lost and nothing will change that. You know, you're pretty strong. Yeah, I know you want to find out about a girl named Kim. She went off to a secret hideout in Peaceful Rest Valley. A chubby boy and a weird guy in a blue outfit have kidnapped her, though. They said that they were going to make Kim some sort of human sacrifice. They were definitely hardcore strange. You know, she might be gone already. You'd better hurry.

A chubby boy? No, it couldn't be...Could it?





We'll be back to speak with Everdred. It's actually pretty worth-while. We can go into his house and talk to him again, but he just repeats the line about coming back with Kim, so let's not.



Let's beat up a hippie instead. Sound good to everyone?



I thought it would.



So, with this transition screen, let's go to the preschool!



Aww, it's one of those l'il kids with a crush.



Inside the preschool, there are a few more kids and Kim's mom. The preschool is actually attached to their home.



I'm sorry, little girl. We'll bring her back as soon as we can, okay? And hey, stop judging me. I kind of have a soft spot for kids.





Except for this little asshole.



I like the sweet little kids. You all know the kind I mean.







This is Kim's mom.



: Kim. She has a guardian angel, it seems.

She's a very nice lady. For whatever reason, I really like her character. And it also helps her sprite was hella easy to find in that folder.



In the house, we find Kim's father.

: but they're just leeches. So... are you from a TV station, or what?



No, sir. I'm just a boy, armed with a bat, stained with the blood of hippies. And other assorted monsters.



:Kim has said should we only meet with a boy named Nass. So, you're Nass! You're the one that was in Kim's dream. You will save the world!

Ooh, is Kim a cheerleader? *Shot for shitty, outdated reference*



He rushes off upstairs to find Kim.



: back later?

Nass doesn't tell her father that he knows she is in Peaceful Rest Valley, about to become a human sacrifice. See, you're supposed to come here first, to find out Kim's missing, then go fight Everdred and find out where Kim's at. Since I've played this game enough, I tend to look at it from the experienced player's view, to where I know where to go and what to do, so I often get these kind of events out of order. Sorry, guys.



Before Nass goes to rescue Kim, he decides to get a Meat Lover's, with a stuffed crust.



Even for Earthbound, this is just fucked up.





And I didn't feel like going to dig out this bitch's sprite. That, and I still haven't gotten a text dump*, so I'm getting tired of manually transcribing shit.



I actually kind of like it better when games give real numbers; there is usually one kid who calls the number, just to see if it works.



Either way, we can order pizza now, if we need to.



 Yes, it does. No, I'm not showing it off right now. 



*insert cheap Scientology joke here*



For some reason, that line made me laugh hysterically.



: Happy-Happy Village are waiting for you. I've also heard there are UFO's in the Peaceful Rest Valley.

Well, it's a rumor in an RPG; it's gotta be true.



: Polestar preschool.

Now, I know I was just bitching about exactly what I did right there; I already had these sprites uploaded, so it wasn't the pain in the ass hunt it normally is. There's about 1,200 in the sprite pack I downloaded, and it sucks trying to find a single, specific sprite.



And that's where we're headed next!



I know this update is already pretty long, about 16,000 characters as of this sentence, but there's not really a better way I could do this. At least, I couldn't think of one without doing that "sequence breaking" thing I was talking about earlier.



These guys are fucking cocksuckers.



Mobile Sprouts only have 79 HP, and don't hit very hard or have very good defenses.



They have Life Up Alpha, in addition to being able to grow more of themselves.



But, that's not really the issue about them.



They have access to a skill called PSI Magnet Alpha. It drains your PP. As in, they take it for themselves. I've seen them drain as much as 7 PP in one go, which at this level, with the low amount of PP that Nass has, losing any of it (and since PSI Lifeup Alpha is still a very good source of healing) is a huge kick in the dick. And it's one of those bad ones, like where it juuust catches the tip.



Other than that, not a bad source of exp., as they're fairly easy to take out.





This is one conspicuously empty cave room.



And another one, too. It's really kind of bizarre. There are very few places in Earthbound where you're completely safe. There's usually an enemy around somewhere, especially in small transit areas like this one. To me, this was a very surreal experience to actually go through this cave without encountering a single enemy.



Welcome to Peaceful Rest Valley! All we've gotta do is quickly cross this and rescue Kim!



If you happen to get Mushroomized around here, this is a convenient healer lady, who will still pay the $50 for you to give up your newly acquired head-shroom.



This mole just explains about the rolling HP system. This update is long enough already, so I'm going to leave this. If there's a real demand for it, I'll throw up his explanation, otherwise it's just going to sit on my cutting room floor.



These guys are assholes, too. They can give you Colds.



But they're kind of cute, though.



This is their main method of attack.



Not a huge load of damage, but they're fast little shits (53 speed!), so they'll always go before Nass.



That speed also means he's going to dodge a lot. With 82 HP and low defense, they kind of need the help in not getting bashed around.



I recommend healing after fighting one of these guys. There's a good chance they're going to dodge enough, they'll deal enough damage to leave you a tad uncomfortable with your amount of health.





It's not often that I see them miss.



These guys are also everywhere in the valley. Like I said, they can inflict the Cold status effect, which kind of functions like poison; every turn, you sneeze and lose some HP (Nass was losing 4 HP a turn when I get a Cold later). I think it works on a percentage, but I'm sure Alien Arcana will be along soon enough to correct me.



Oh, and these guys drop a buttload of exp., too. It's really nice coming to new areas in Earthbound, as the exp. increases on a curve that's definitely in your favor.





Alright, this is even easier--



FUCK!

: You said it.