Earthbound Part #16 - Update Sixteen: Crash Boom Bang

Part 16: Update Sixteen: Crash Boom Bang

Welcome back! Last time, on Earthbound, we began exploring the Happy Happy Village, and I beat up eight Insane Cultists in one fight. Today, we're going to rescue Kim from the clutches of Mr. Carpainter.

We start off by doing something I should have done last update. I decide to drop the $50 and get all healed up.

Whatever you say, boss.

After blowing all over the sheets, Nass is fully healed and ready to go adventuring.

We're heading toward the large building in the center of town; being the biggest building, that's obviously where the bad guy is hiding out.

This lady is wandering around out front of the building; for some reason, my mind always thinks of it as "The Cathedral", even though it looks nothing like a cathedral. Hell, it's barely grand enough to even be called a manor.

: You deserve to be struck by lightning.

Jesus, lady, that's a little harsh.

Alright, let's go get this thing done.

Holy hell!

Alright, we've gotta get through this mass of cultists. We have some blue on our shirt, so maybe that can fool them long enough so that don't realize Nass isn't one of them.

Some of these guys, we can talk to.

: Carpainter as soon as possible.

Some, like this guy, are actually friendly and will get out of the way, letting us reach this present box.

Free croissants are never a bad thing. A free 60 HP refill isn't something I'd like to turn down right now.

There's two ways we can go from here.

: Okay, I'll move out of you way. Go quickly!

So, I decide to clear both ways, as I can never friggin' remember which way to go to get through this place quickly.

Nothing here...

Ah, here we go. In this screenshot, you can see this cultist starting to move out of my way.

Son of a bitch! I should have known I was going the wrong way. I always do this.

What the hell does that have--

Wait, what are you doing--

I'm telling you, man, you do not want to do this.

But, I won't lie. I wanted to do that.

Oh, Goddammit, I was going the right way the first time. Believe it or not, I didn't do this intentionally. I seriously did fuck this up, just like I do every single time I enter this place.

: place? That's not true, see?

And so, he steps to the right and out of our way.

And, in shame, he steps to the left, out of the way.

Oh, joy. A Skip Sandwich.

I can't whistle either.

And heading past him...

From what I've heard, this line was the same in the Japanese. I don't know if it's true, but that's what all the other smart posters are for!

It goes about as well for him as one could expect it to.

There's a few cultists walking around in a big circle here. Let's see what they have to say.

Impatient for them to come to me, I walk to them.

Happy-Happy Joy-Joy! Happy Happy Joy!

AGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That's one hell of a scream if it gained me a level!

I think Nass' speed just raised 25% in this level.

God, this has been one hell of a good level.

And it just keeps getting better! Life Up Beta restores about 300 HP when used. It's one hell of a boost over Life Up Alpha, and will be useful for a very, very long time.

With the amount of levels I've gained, it might look like I seriously went out of my way to grind up some levels. Aside from that one spot in the Peaceful Rest Valley, I haven't done any outright grinding. This area and the valley have been very good to me this run.

Yeah, we fooled somebody!

New weapons and a few levels really do wonders for damage output. Our physical damage is now pretty much even to what Bacon Alpha does on a single target.

Alright, we've made it through the main room of this building.

Huh, I guess Carpainter must be important. He's got a receptionist.

An, uh, easily startled receptionist at that.

Man, Carpainter did not scrape the bottom of the barrel when he found this guy. Top of the line employee here.

Carpainter must be upstairs. Since we're not being hindered, let's go pay him a visit.

There's the man himself. And a familiar looking statue...

: make the world blue and change it into a happy and peaceful society.

: Never! Your right hand doesn't come off!

: That one doesn't come off, either!

: Defy me and I'll end your pitiful game!

Do your worst, Carpainter! I haven't gotten a game over yet and I don't plan to start now!

...Well, shit. Game over, guys. I guess this LP is done... Sorry I couldn't do better.

Pfft, fuck no, it ain't!

The worst that bolt of lightning did was make Nass homesick!

To clear that up, all we gotta do is give Mom a ring.

He did just get hit by a bolt of lightning. I'm sure I'd sound a little sad, too.

I think every kid gets homesick, at least once.

And Mom goes back to ironing and Nass feels better! Everybody wins!

We didn't fully explore this cave last time; we only defeated eight cultists last time we set foot in here.

This must be what deja vu feels like.

Or else, that lightning bolt turned Nass into Bill Murray, and it's suddenly Groundhog Day.

Man, that'd be sweet if there was a status ailment that makes a character turn into Bill Murray.

On the other side of the cave, we come out to a familiar looking area.

This is the same cabin we saw when we made our way through Peaceful Rest Valley.

These crows are still around and they are not afraid of Nass.

Not fleeing from Nass immediately was not...A wise decision.

Munching on the Cookie that they dropped, Nass enters the cabin.

: I kind feel like I should be hearing banjos...

Kim! Finally!

I'm a horrible person; when writing this update, I read that line and my original caption for this picture was just going to be:

I'm going straight to Hell.

You probably could have succeeded, if you wanted to.

: I heard Carpainter can control lightning. In that case, you should wear this Franklin Badge, okay? I'll wait until you return. Come back here and get me out once you defeat Carpainter. Don't worry about me, just kick butt like I know you can!

Alright, guys, let's go put that cult leader down.

Hello now, what's this, then?

: You can call me Master Pokey, since Mr. Carpainter made me an important person in Happy-Happyism. You should join us, but I know you won't... I'm glad I joined...

Oh, you fat fuck.

...Wait, you have the opportunity to get the drop on me and ambush me, and you bring two Insane Cultists and a fucking Spiteful Crow?

Pokey, I'll have caught up to you before you've exited the cave.

I was temporarily slowed down by the Cultists deciding they wanted to invite some more friends to the All-American Ass Kicking Party.

After that, I've noticed Nass is very close to a level. Less than 300 exp. away, if I recall correctly.

So, I just go and get Nass his level from a few cultists wandering around.

It wasn't a very exciting level. But, hey, it's better than a sharp stick in an eye.

Fuck your screaming shit, I don't have time for your bullshit.

Ah, hell. We fell for Carpainter's trap card!

No, wait, this ain't shit.

Boss fight time.

Up close, he looks like the Kentucky Fried Cultist.

Carpainter has some monstrous defense. Nearly double that of the Insane Cultist, as is his offense.

Ordinarily, this would be a huge threat, but with the Franklin Badge, this attack is nothing to worry about.

He fires out two bolts, both of which have horrendous accuracy against single targets. If one did hit us, it would be reflected back and deal a ton of damage to Carpainter.

: I say, boy, you couldn't hit a waddlin' chicken with no legs swingin' that bat like that!

He's also got access to Life Up Alpha; it repairs all the damage we've already done, but it's one hit, so it doesn't really make a difference to me.

: To those who denied that the gravy we serve with all of our oven-fresh, pipin' hot biscuits, is actually nutritious, I say, observe this effect!

Carpainter attacks just like his cultist flunkies do, but with one major difference:

: I say, boy, why don't you fetch me a mint julep, as long as I'm beatin' you like my ex-wife, Fannie May!

There we go. I don't know why Carpainter felt it necessary to dodge so much, since his speed is the same as Nass'.

Another two misses of the Crashing Boom Bang.

He only has 262 HP at max, so we're dealing very good damage.

: The eleven secret herbs and spices will protect me from your womanly strikes! Scarlett O'Hara hit harder than that!

Two can play at that game, Carpainter!

It's not often I throw up the shield, but, if Carpainter is going to be mitigating my damage, I may as well even the odds.

And Nass decided to even them even further. Atta boy, Nass!

: Thanks!

...Wait a Goddamned minute...

Both of these Crashing Boom Bangs missed, too.

He threw up a shield! I saw it! Why am I still doing regular damage?

He used Life Up Alpha again, but I'm still more surprised I'm dealing regular damage. Did his shield just not take?

It looks like Nass' didn't either. What the hell, game?

This hit should have broken the shield, but I'm starting to wonder if it was ever there. I'm just so...

Uh-oh, this one's going to hit!

This thing is a life-saver.

Literally. I'm certain this would have killed Nass before I could have dropped Carpainter.

But, Carpainter did the honor of dropping himself. This is the usual end to the fight, in my experiences and from what others have told me.

He drops a good chunk of exp., too.

: Since I got the statue, I have been doing peculiar things. Please forgive me, if you can... I just wanted to have a normal life.

What the hell did Lier dig up? And how did Carpainter get his mitts on it?

: Take the key and go.

Let's go get Kim.

This man no longer screams in our presence. I'm a little sad.

Never mind. I'm back to feeling all

Jesus Christ, this place cleared out in a hurry.

: I'll get out of here...

...Whoa. Carpainter's schtick wore off fast.

So, what are you still doing here?

: Yeah, sure, we can go play baseball together, have pizza, ride bikes and--NO!

Out of that--Ah, hell, I see a cyclops pig wandering this way.

Pokey, how did you even get enraptured by Carpainter?

: _{Well, maybe...I don't know...}

: Pokey...I hope you trip over your labyrinthine gut.

Some of the town folk's dialog has changed.

Indeed. I hope to see plenty of greens around here soon.

Good. But...Did Nass really affect these people's lives positively by taking out their religion?

If you thought anything but, "Of course he did, retard!" Then congrats, you had the same thought I did! Cults are not cool.

It's not like I have anything against religion; I don't give two shits about what you believe, as long as you're happy with it. It just seems like nothing good ever comes from cults.

Now, I very well could be wrong about that. I guess I should have said that I've never heard anything good come from a cult. But, enough of that. I'm not here to debate religions or cults.

I'm here to rescue Kim, Goddammit, and that's what I'm going to do.

: You're just like I imagined you would be... I'm sure that some people in Twoson are worried about me... Getting back there may be dangerous, but we can do it if we combine our strength. I'm able to use a little psychic power that is actually pretty deadly. Let's head back to Twoson!