Earthbound Part #29 - Update Twenty Eight: What're You Smilin' About, Asshole?

Part 29: Update Twenty Eight: What're You Smilin' About, Asshole?

Welcome back. Last time, on Earthbound, we discovered that Threed was now free from the zombie menace. We were on our way to Fourside when we hit the ass-end of the world's longest traffic jam. So, let's see what's shakin' out in the desert.

Now, before we get started, I'm going to warn you; we're going into a desert. Visually, it's not very interesting to look at. There's a few things floating around out here that are of interest. Including me getting my ass whipped.

And a Mole Playing Rough hanging out near Leonard. Wait, what!?

Leonard doesn't have much of interest here; Susan's regular attack is doing around the average damage for a Bottle Rocket, so they're not as valuable as they once were. However, were you unable to repair the Broken Laser, stock up on them. For $29 a piece, there are few excuses for not being able to afford them.

And there's a monkey. All that fur seems like it'd be uncomfortable out in the desert. But, I'm not a biologist, so I don't know shit about monkeys.

: Kikikiykki (Our paradise exists beneath that hole.) Kuykku kikki... (Talah Rama is great and kind...) Kikki Kuykku (and he knows everything, Talah Rama does...) Kikku Kuekki (He made us the underground rooms...)

Hmm...Underground rooms, you say? Could our Fourth Sanctuary lie beneath the sands of the desert?

Well, there's Tough Mobile Sprouts down here.

: Kyakkyakyekyakya (practicing silent meditaion, he is also abstaining from anything that would make him sick or smelly, too.) Kyapi Kyapi (Please don't bother him.)

That's not a typo on my part, by the by. That's exactly how it is spelled in the game. Anywho, we were asked not to bother him, so let's go bother Talah Rama!

Damn, he's deep in that meditaion. Or else he's just ignoring us. Knowing this game, it could be either one.

Anyways, back to the desert.

Oh, hey, our first new enemy!

Well, there were two, but Susan received sunstroke somewhere in our walk over there. Healing Alpha clears it right up.

This was from the Skelpion; they're little pains in the ass with 137 HP, crap offense and defense, and they can poison you. They're frggin' scorpions, what did you expect? Them able to use PSI Thunder Alpha? Because they can totally do that, too.

Skelpions take hits like Alabaman housewives; it helps that Kim snagged herself a new frying pan, too, but it only boosted her offense ten points.

Goddammit, why can't somebody else learn friggin' Healing Alpha? Nass is great against these guys.

Susan's dealing out some pretty good damage, too, nearly enough to one-shot the Skelpions, which I'd recommend doing first. Poison is a huge pain in the ass.

Crested Bookas have 265 HP, with pretty good offense and defense.

They also have the ability to lower offense and defense at the same time, which makes them real assholes. Thankfully, they don't seem to do it often, but I'd still wipe out any Skelpions first.

I'm glad I upgraded Susan to the Coin of Slumber. That was still a lot of damage, but a good bit of it was mitigated thanks to that Coin.

Nass bashes it with his bat again, dropping it like a rock.

The exp is nice in the desert, too. It's hard to be underlevelled. You'd have to be actively avoiding fights to do so in this game.

But, yeah, it's a desert. Complete with skeletons.

I'm curious as to how he got here. I bet there's a good fuckin' story.

In the north-western corner, there's a present box and a source of water. It's not a bad guide to follow along to keep yourself from getting lost. It's not really easy to get lost here, either, but a lot of it looks the same, so it's more like it's easy to use to prevent confusion.

Double Burgers do exactly what you think they do. They restore double the health of a single burger, which is about 90 HP. Slap some ketchup on that some bitch, and you've got a shitload of HP restored.

Traveling along the coast, we encounter an upgrade to the Li'l UFO from way back when. They're still assholes.

And isn't she cute with her little red bow?

Ah, balls. Susan was the unlucky party member here.

Kim, not appreciating that bullshit, decides to inform the Skelpion exactly how she feels.

Goddamn, isn't she adorable?

These little shits are fast, and their dodge rates are very good. Thankfully, they take quite a bit of damage from attacks, but they can dish it back out.

Poison deals around 20 HP of damage each round, which is a bit of a problem for Kim or Susan; Nass can deal with it better, but it still needs to be cleared up as soon as possible.

As you see here, it can be quite devastating, even after only a round or two.

One of them dropped an egg, too. I don't know which one did. I'm looking at PK Hack right now, and it's telling me neither Skelpions or Cute Li'l UFOs drop Fresh Eggs.

But, whatever, Kim gained a level!

For this level, she gained +1 offense, +1 speed, +1 guts, +1 luck, +2 HP and +1 PP.

She also got a lot more badass.

A Healing Beta and a Peanut Cheese Bar later, Susan is all better.

Oh, Goddammit, there's bugs in the desert, too? Alright, let's go kick it's ass.

I wanna apologize to that white sesame I hurt before. If I could just see her.)

Oh, never mind, it's not an enemy. Just a sesame seed, hanging out in the desert, feeling remorse.

: Well, uh, if we see her, we'll let her know you'd like to talk to her.

But not before you get your picture taken. I'm starting to dislike you, Camera Guy.

We'll be tracking down that white sesame seed, if you were wondering.

But not before Susan gains a level!

For this level, he gained +1 offense, +1 guts, and +3 HP.

Another present along the shoreline; Cups of Lifenoodles are pretty rare to just find. They're kinda like Phoenix Downs in the old Final Fantasy games, I guess.

The Dusty Dunes Desert is pretty freakin' big. And kinda boring to look at.

There's two new enemies here, but that Bad Buffalo isn't quite quick enough to join the fight. I'm totally okay with this.

Desert Wolves can be assholes. They have 247 HP, with high offense and defense, in addition to being fast as hell.

For these guys, it's either biting you for a lot of damage (such as he did to Kim here), biting you with poison fangs (

) or howling, like the Runaway Dogs did back in Onett.

They drop a fair bit of exp., too.

There are two things to be interested in on this screen. Can you spot them both?

Item #2 is still hidden. If you're having trouble spotting it, don't feel bad. I barely noticed it and I was actively looking for it.

This gif shows them shining in the sun. If not for that, these things would be much harder to find.

It was a set of contact lenses!

Somebody has lost their contact lenses. And I guess we should probably find whoever has lost 'em, right?

But first, let's tame ourselves a Desert Wolf.

And get Nass another level!

For this level, he gained +1 offense, +1 guts, +2 HP and +2 PP.

(Hey, whatever happened to that other poster who was posting his Ness' stats compared to mine? I thought that was really neat.)

Nass also gained this sexy little power.

Not only does it halve damage, but whatever hits the person with Shield Beta up will kick their own ass during it, too.

FUCK!

The Skelpion was whatever. I'm not worried about those guys. These guys, though... They have 233 HP, and can hit fairly hard; they take a hit fairly well, too.

Granted, Susan has our lowest defense, but still, 41 damage isn't much to sneeze at for any of my party members, really.

So, we toss him a Picnic Lunch we've been carting around.

Jesus, now I feel bad for all of those Foppies I set on fire. This also came after I threw in everyone's commands to attack, so unless Nass and Susan can attack, then I can manage to get a healing power off on her, Kim is going to hit the deck.

He slugged Susan, too, after I decided I could just finish him off before she died. As it turns out, this was a mistake.

They do this, too, which makes them even bigger assholes. Their explosion will spread from whoever it hits to hit whoever is nearby, like our Bombs can.

At least Nass gained a boatload of exp., right? Right?

They were a memento from my grandma, and very important to me. If you find them, bring them to me and I'll give you a reward. I'm Penetella Giovanni. Find me at the Fourside Bakery, second floor.

Well, at least we know where to take the contact lenses. But now, Nass is being followed by the ghosts of his fallen comrades.

I decide to trek back to the Inn, where it'll be safer around here.

A Desert Wolf tries to fuck with Nass, after his failure to save his friends.

I feel no pity for the poor fool. Never strike a grieving man.

But hey, at least he's 7,000 exp. above the curve now. That's good, right?

Not wanting Nass to become too much stronger than Kim and Susan, I decide to burn my Lifenoodles on them.

When revived via the ramen of life, they're restored to full HP and PP. It's really nice.

Oh, God, no, I don't want to fight another Smilin' Sphere. Save me present box and monkey!

Well, hey, I can now flee from the Smilin' Spheres hella fast. Excellent.

With these guys actively chasing my ass, I decided it was better to face them head on, as opposed to being surprised.

Not bad, HP-sucker, but Susan's regular attack deals much more. I'll keep it in mind for a quick, small recovery method, though.

Why all the hate for Susan!?

Oh, Kim, you'll barely survive!

Thankfully, PSI Life Up Alpha is still useful for Kim and Susan. Nass gets some benefit from it, but, really, PSI Life Up Beta is going to start being the go-to healing power for him.

: I mean desert, not dessert! I am happy there are animals in the desert, aren't you?

Well...I'm okay with most of them. Smilin' Spheres don't count as animals. They are merely assholes.

Holy crap, there's a dead chick out here.

Oh, never mind. She's just a huge bitch.

I'll admit, you fooled me.

: But a corpse doesn't usually wear a bathing suit, right? ...Hey, stop staring at my tan lines...

Well, let's get away from these guys. They're not very cool.

But Freeze Gamma is plenty cool!

And I really dig the damage it dishes out.

Alright, with the Bad Buffalo fought, this'll round out the enemies of the Dusty Dunes Desert.

Oh, but first, Nass and Kim had to go and get sunstroke.

Before I worry about that, though, I am going to annihilate this Bad Buffalo. They have 341 HP, with 104 defense and 64 offense. Generally, their action in battles is to just fucking crush someone, so let Kim's high speed wipe them out first. Oh, they're also vulnerable to Fire and resist Freeze.

Kim, you warm my heart.

Their exp. isn't quite as good as one would expect, though. Still, 1,300 ain't much to sneeze at.

We're almost done here; I just wanted to polish off as much of this desert as I could in a single update.

Ooh, 20 PP recovery. Chances that this'll get thrown in storage and never used again? 78.34%.

If you're playing this part yourself, get used to healing sunstroke.

here in the desert.

And talking to a coupla skeletons, too.

And people gaining levels!

For this level, Nass gained +1 offense, +1 defense, +1 vitality, +8 HP and +1 PP.

Finally! Been lookin' all over for you, you little white bitch!

If you see him, please tell him that I still love him. Really? You've seen him already? Was he okay? ...Hmm, I see.)

I guess we should head back to that black seed soon, and let him know the good news.