Part 3: Page 3: Fight Club

Page 3: Fight Club


Irma's Troupe

Did you know that this game can be ridiculously cute? It can be ridiculously cute. After standing for a while, the idle animation kicks in.

Oh right, we had to go race that Jailbird, right?


Win Place Show Chocobo!

We've now unlocked Battle Mode! Boco looks super pissed in that banner.



Anyway, the actual game doesn't change. The only difference is this:


Race to the Top! Versus 1
Fiddle de Chocobo

There's two people racing.



Is there really a question of the outcome?


Victory

I mean, just LOOK at the time gap.

: Irma won't be offering that jailbird parole any time soon!

Hey, that was my joke



: We'll be leaving...for now. But I'll be back!

: Kweee! Kweee! (Aw, phooey!)

: W-wait!

No, don't bother actually stopping them or anything. It's fine.


Chocobo Village

Yeah, sure. Heading on into the house on the top of the screen.



: No idea, but I'll never forget that icy stare. Inside, I could see someone cruel, distant...and lonely.

What about flippant and snippy? I seem to recall those being used too.

: Remember when Bebuzzu said something about a woman with the blood of darkness? Do you think he meant that Irma chick?

Okay, I've had it. Croma's abrupt drops into slang are getting really annoying. I'm half tempted to cut them out.

: You might be on to something... She certainly doesn't seem happy about us trying to rescue our friends!

: What's she up to, anyway? We can't let our guards down!

: I'm going to see what I can find out about that picture book.



Okay...and this is going to help how?

Regardless, what's the peanut gallery have to say? Surely something witty, relevant to the discussion, and intelligent.

: This is all my fault. If only I hadn't bought that dumb book...

: Indy, Moggy, Yelro, Joe, and Sweenie... All of 'em are trapped inside chocobo cards! Boco, you've gotta rescue them!

: The inside of that chocobo card was so cold and scary! All I could hear was Bebuzzu's voice. Ohhh! Just the thought makes my tummy tickle for tacos!

Huh. Wrong on all three counts. ANYWAY.



Hey now. I want access. Stupid Jailbirds.

: We can't examine that book as long as these jailbirds are in the way. That Irma lady must have given them orders to keep guard.

: Kweee! Kweee! (New orders from Miss Irma! Don't let Boco find out that there are still some secrets to unlock in this book here! Got it?)

It's always amazing how two sounds can mean a paragraph.



On our way, we've got a card!



For what it's worth, hollow star is the worst Rarity/power. Rarity doesn't really count as there's no way to actually get random drops, so it's drafted as a kind of power level.



Below that is an awesome place with an awesome dude.

: Kweee! Kweee! (This water's delectable! Hurry up and get your jailbird gear on! Don't make me report you to Miss Irma!)

Jailbirds really are stupid.



If we drink the water, we get a hint.



It's not a very good hint, because that's the only other place we can go. Oh well. Let's go right towards the square.



Pay no attention to those symbols on the ground they have NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.

: W-wait up, Miss Irma! H-h-hold up, Greeble! C'mon, guys! D-d-don't leave me all alone back here...

Pinky runs off toward the north - coincidentally the direction we are heading.



: (First you have to clear the requirement for each secret, though! Don't let Boco find out!)

The next screen has an amazing Jailbird. I love these guys.

On the next screen, we get an abrupt scenery change.


Mt. Gulg

Shit, man, and it's just one screen away. The map screen doesn't do it any favors, either. Just a really abrupt shift between green grass and farms and then rock.

: Whew! Whew! I finally caught up!

: Yer late, Peekaboo! Now hurry and close that gate up real tight!

I like this guy's face. Kinda just shouting at you.

: Gotcha, sir! Heeeave ho!



Hey! That's rude! Don't just shut doors in people's faces.

: Maaarvelous! That's putting your gizzards into it! Now let's skedaddle!

Far as I know, Birds only have one gizzard. Is that a fat joke or a look into Chocobo anatomy?



Sometimes I love this game's writing. This is one of them.



: (What was it called again...? That's right! The magical magnifying glass! I hope Boco doesn't find it!)

Right-o! Won't tell that Boco not to look for the magnifying glass, no sir!



This is weird. Is the Preservation Society Shirma and Croma?

Oh well. Nothing left but to head back to the house.


Battle Theme

: Boco, you've gotta hurry! Ch-Chubby is... Chubby collapsed back at the farmhouse! Come with me!

Oh no! Poor fat chocobo we've known for an update and a half!

_{it was probably a heart attack}



Oh. Okay then. That was a quick chapter. I guess I'm more used to the first chapter being long and drawn out, not two updates.

How's Chubby doing?


Crystal Room

Well, he certainly knows his vowels. If you don't get it, sound out what he's saying.

: Chubby, hang in there! You're gonna be okay!

: This must be the curse of Bebuzzu!

: Sooo...

: Listen! He's trying to say something!


Gysahl Greens

This gets me every time I haven't played the game for a while. It's built up to be all dramatic and then Chubby's just fat.

: H-hungry!? You big lug! We thought you were dying, but you just wanted to stuff that oversized beak! Oh, the gluttonous irony of it all!



This is starting to sound vaguely disturbing. Should I be worried about Chubby snapping?

: He must be delirious! Meat like that isn't easy to find around here!

: Hmmm... Wait a minute! How about we use that picture book again?

How in the seven hells would that help? Wait...hang on...I'm remembering something about 'Giving to the winner their favorite food'.

: Well, it sounds like it's worth a try! Hop to it, and hop into that book ASAP! Something's bound to happen inside those magical bindings!



That switching between formal and slang is starting to make me nauseous. Oh well. Into the book we go!


Win Place Show Chocobo!

We unlocked this by winning level 1 earlier. It's the only new thing, so there's no other choice!


Race to the Top! Versus 2
Fiddle de Chocobo

The only new challenge is that there are four Jailbirds.


Victory

The competition is a lot stiffer, though. Compare our lead to the last time.



Finishing in first place unlocks Versus levels 3 through 5, along with a new Epilogue.


Prelude

Huh, how about that. Just what we needed.


The Adamantoise and the Cactuar: Race to the Top! Epilogue - Merry Meat

And so the race began! The contenders sped away from the starting line. As sharp as his spines were, the cactuar had quite the dull intellect, and soon settled down for a nap, content with his current lead. At the same time, the adamantoises were moving up the mountain, slow and steady, at their very own pace. The large fellows kept on moving, and with the cactuar fast asleep, they quickly found themselves the victors at the mountaintop. "We did it! We won!" The cactuar was at last awakened by their triumphant cheers.
"Winning while I sleep? Ain't that a bit cheap?"
"But a promise is a promise, little friend," the winners reminded the sore loser. And so, with a sorry look on his face, the cactuar handed the adamantoises their prize: delicious slabs of fresh, juicy meat!



"What a mouthwatering feast you've prepared! Why don't you join us?"
"No way! No way! What did you say? You really think that you'd be able to host a loser at your table?"
"The more the merrier is our time-tested faith!" And so the cactuar and the adamantoises enjoyed the sweet taste of victory together as friends.

Epilogue 2: Wherein everybody has a slightly better ending than before.



Jesus, that meat just came out of the sky. It was delivered by a halo of light


Irma's Troupe

: Kweee! Kweee! (Jinkily jinkies!!)

: Kweee! Kweee! (What happened?)

: Kweee! Kweee! (Boco did it again!) Kweee!!!! (Boco used the power of the book!)

: Kweee! Kweee! (We have to stop this! We must hold out until Peekaboo and Greeble can join the games as well!)

: Weee! (Then hold out we will!)

If that confused you, each time there was a new face the other Jailbird started talking. I hate conversations like that

Hey, how's Chubby doing?


Chocobo Village

: CHUBBY IS UNSTOPPABLE!



God damn. That's some meat.



Not even Boco knows what the fuck.


Mt. Gulg

Hey Chubby, mind helping us out here?

: INSOLENT DOOR! HOW DARE YOU BLOCK CHUBBY'S PATH!?





This part right here is another part of the game's writing that I absolutely love.

Next time: More amazing characters!