Part 9: Page 9: A Song of Fire and Ice

Page 9: A Song of Fire and Ice

Yes, I know, that's the name of the series, not the name of a book, but bite me.


Legend of the Deep Forest

Now that we've scared off Irma, let's go to that crystal.



Oh god damn it.

Gworrr! Bebuzzu and Irma no like you! I stomp you good!

Took a little longer than usual to win over this big boy. Good thing it took you so long to get here. That gave me just the time I needed. Golem, protector of the forest! Get to work and start, ummm...protecting!

Looks like we have to beat him in a card game. Let's get him!



I take offense to that.

No defeat me with measly, little trainer deck!

Mwa-ha-ha-ha! You stupid little chocobo! That deck won't work here amidst the magic of the forest! Looks like bringing a golem was a waste time!

Well, there's only one thing to do. We have to go to our master.


Gysahl Greens

Hey, Mog, you wouldn't happen to know a 'Dueler X', would you?

Dueler X? Never heard of him. I swear! I've never heard of that dashing, handsome fellow! What's wrong? What's that? The master of darkness broke free of his seal and everybody disappeared!? So that's the powerful force I felt coming from Mt. Magma... By the way, is that trainer case I gave you coming in handy?

Wait what? Mog was Dueler X all along?



This entire time, Boco's been freaking out trying to get Mog to give away his (not very well-kept) secret.

Ummmmmmmmmm... ... I mogged it all up! I forgot to transform!

Apparently 'to mog' is a verb now. Okay.

Now that the moogle's out of the bag...



Yaaaaaaay.

Yadda yadda yadda... You want this, right? I'm not quite sure you can handle it, but go ahead. Take it.



Yesss. Now we just need sleeves for our cards and we can be true Magic Pop-up Duel champions.

With that card case, you'll be able to store up to six decks. You'll have to build a new deck again before dueling, so don't forget! I should also mention that you need at least 15 cards to use that new case. If you need more cards, try playing some microgames. With that professional case in hand, you can finally realize your full potential! Now get out there and punch that golem a few more holes in his thick skull! By the way, can we keep my secret identity under wraps for now? I'm not ready to share myself with the world.

tl;dr version: We have our full 15 card deck available now and everything's reset.


ODEKA ke CHOCOBO

Hey, wait, this isn't the forest.



We're in the Send menu right now. See, Square released some bonus cards as an event. Now, unfortunately, without going there I can't get the cards. They thought of this, and added in codes to get them on this screen. They thought of this, of course, after the NA release. Only the European and Australian release have the code.



By hitting L-L-Up-B-B-Left, we can still get the Omega Cannon. Kinda badass.



I think we're ready to go kill a golem.



Let's do this!


Battle Theme
Card Game - Boco vs Golem

This guy is a lot harder than our previous mid-boss. He's got the full 20 life, and his cards are way better organized than the Behemoth. In addition, he's got a better cardpool than "attack on red". On our side, we've got the full card deck. We also have a bigger cardpool ourselves thanks to all those minigames we won.

In essence: Both sides have upgrades, and we kick ass because I'm not a computer.



Yep.


Legend of the Deep Forest

Thanks to small, birdlike friend, me is seeing the light of day again. Golem give you this card. Now little chocobo even stronger!



I think this is a yellow card.

Forest now safe with Boco here to help.

How could you have defeated golem!?

I think it's...uh...time for a strategic withdrawal, Miss Irma.



While I agree with the sentiment, don't you think that's a little harsh?

Oh yeah. This is gonna hurt.

Stop that! You have to treat chocobos with love and care!

What? Love? Ha-ha-ha! Love only gets in the way. Love only leads to loss in the same way trust always ends in betrayal. There's onlyl one thing in this world that won't let me down--power! With that, I can have everyone groveling at my feet!



If I saw anyone with that kind of attitude and a pet, I would immediately punch them in the face. Because they deserve it for being an idiot.

Hmph! Do be quiet, girl. I've heard quite enough from you. Next time, I'll have to do something about that pesky mouth of yours!

Bitch.



Thing is, we need to get over here. But the lake's all dried up.

I see something up ahead. It must be the earth shrine!

The water's all dried up for some reason. And it's too far to jump down. We're stuck for now!

Yes...stuck. You might have noticed something glowing behind Irma during that last conversation.


Win Place Show Chocobo!

Fuck. This game is a bitch. It was one of my walls when I first played the game. The controls are absolutely terrible - especially with an emulator.


Prelude
Shiva and Ifrit: Lunging for Lasans Prologue

Once upon a time, there existed Shiva, the spirit of ice, and Ifrit, the spirit of fire. One day, Ifrit boasted, "Fire has the power to incinerate anything in the entire world! Nothing is mightier than flame!"
Shiva coolly responded, "But ice has the power to freeze anything in the entire world! There couldn't possibly be anything greater"
"Never! Fire melts away ice with ease!" retorted Ifrit.
"But fire is merely extinguished by the water that runs off from the ice."
The two spirits eyed one another for a moment, and then Ifrit declared, "Very well, then! We shall have a contest to see which is the strongest! Travelers should soon arrive at the great tree to gather lasans. Whoever can cause them the most trouble shall be declared the victor!"
"Too easy!" And the contest between Shiva and Ifrit began...

This book is based off of 'The North Wind and the Sun', a fable from Aesop. In it, much the same thing happened - the North Wind and the Sun thought they were stronger and proved it by making a traveler take off his coat. The Sun won because he made it too bloody hot to wear a coat. The fable taught of the superiority over force. You can read it here.




Anyway, the game itself is really fucking terrible. This is one of the games where the touch screen just shits itself - you need tight controls and small corrections, but you don't get those.


Move de Chocobo
Lunging for Lasans Versus 1

Anyway, this is all we have right now. It's really not that big a deal because it's a jailbird, but still.


Victory

For winning, we unlock Versus 2-4 and Trial Mode.



We also get the card.



See this? This made me hate myself. I hated everything when I played this game.


Move de Chocobo
Lunging for Lasans Trial Mode

FUCK EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING. FOREVER.




Victory

AGH YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU KNOW HOW LONG THIS TOOK?!

yes, an interrobang is necessary to show my rage. Because I didn't think about it, there's no blooper video. If I have problems in the future, there will be one, though.



This is for getting 35 points,



and this for 45. NOT FUCKING WORTH IT.



I think I fucked up the order again. I don't think this was the right epilogue...


Prelude
Shiva and Ifrit: Leaping for Lasans Epilogue - Hellfire

Travelers began arriving at the great tree to collect the precious lasans, so Shiva and Ifrit began their contest in hopes of victory- and shooing off the invaders. However, any flames hurled by Ifrit were extinguished by Shiva's ice. Similarly, any travelers frozen by Shiva's ice were thawed out again by the heat of Ifrit's flame. Due to this, the travelers were able to steal away all the precious lasans they desired, much to the furious anger of the spirits.



"This is all your fault!"
"No I believe it is your fault!"
"What?! How dare you!" Writhing in uncontrollable rage, Ifrit unleashed a mighty torrent of flame that engulfed the great tree and burnt it to the ground. The two of them had allowed their silly argument to destroy what was most important to them.



You probably don't know where this is. This is just north of where we entered the forest - there wasn't anything to do there, so I ignored it. We'll have to visit soon.


Win Place Show Chocobo!

Anyway, that wasn't it. So let's go to the next in line.


Move de Chocobo
Lunging for Lasans Versus 3

After extensive testing, I have concluded that fire is indeed hot. Nothing is going to bother me anymore due to the fact that I went through that trial by...er, Trial Mode.


Victory

As shown. No problems, yo.



Oh boy we've rescued another friend that we've never seen.



Yahooey! Fwee at wast! Is you da one who saved me? I wuv you, Boco! You'we my hewo! Come hewe! I've got a favow to ask!

Not another speech impediment. What's that count up to now? Anyway, that wasn't our epilogue. Off to Versus 4.


Move de Chocobo
Lunging for Lasans Versus 4

So I guess you could say this is...four play?




Victory

I wasn't kidding about this being not a problem.



Here we are.


Prelude
Shiva and Ifrit: Lunging for Lasans Epilogue - Nobody Knows

Shiva and Ifrit continued fighting as the travelers arrived at the great tree. Ignored by the spirits, they had no trouble snatching up all the lasans. "This is all your fault!" yelled Ifrit.
"You always talk to me like that, you-"
"Shut yer trap!" Lost in rage, Shiva unleashed an endless barrage of ices while Ifrit countered with a raging firestorm.

Yeep. Sounds like an old married couple.



Their battle lasted for three days and three nights. Finally the sun rose on the forth day... Surrounding the great tree was a glistening pond of water formed from fire-melted ice. But where did Shiva and Ifrit go? To this very day nobody knows...



Oh hey, now we can get across. Go team!



Yeah, I'm getting a definite "crystal room" vibe from this place.

Next time: Ridiculous transformations