Part 23: Page 23: Turtle Island

Page 23: Turtle Island

Now, where were we when we last left off?


Crystal Room

Oh, right. Trying to save Irma. And, you know, save the world. I suppose that's important too.



Anyway, for reasons unknown, Bebuzzu decided to take a nap in this other world. Even Boco's not sure what to make of this...



I swear if I have to do ANOTHER Versus against you, there will be words. Angry ones.



Fear not, young one! Do you know the reason why we chocobos have been known as messengers of the gods since ancient times?

Wait, WHAT? I'm sorry, I don't like to interrupt monologues. But where the hell did this come from? I can't remember one instance when this happened. I mean, I've tried to suspend my disbelief enough. Sure, there's an evil talking dog-book. Sure, it's the personification of evil. Sure, the cute little protagonist can enter picture books. But if I just accept this, I'm pretty sure my disbelief will be found at the end of a rope, twitching slightly. There's just no reason for this other than 'hey, here's why chocobos can do this crazy thing this time'.

Anyway, rant over.

Our wings... These wings that cannot carry us into the skies... Have you ever wondered why we even have them? Someone once said that our wings devolved, losing their ability to carry us into the clouds. But he was wrong! Our wings evolved beyond what he could comprehend! These wings possess the power to carry us between the world we know and the one of darkness.



That's all I can say. Just what. That... but... I don't.... you... darkness...

Follow me, Boco! Spread your wings!






Prelude
Legend of the Crystals Prologue

Once upon a time, the universe was nothing but a vast expanse of emptiness. After endless cycles, into the perpetual void appeared the creator, bearing four crystals.
The yellow crystal illuminated the darkness, bringing light into existence.
The green crystal molded planets and stars from the nothingness, bringing the bountiful land into existence.
The blue crystal blessed the land with water, bringing life into existence.
The red crystal delivered the warmth of life to the universe, perpetuating the growth of all living creatures.
However, there was one entity which looked upon the new universe unfavorably: the dark monarch who had ruled over the emptiness. To oppose the new form of the cosmos, the monarch brought into existence a fifth source of energy... the black crystal.
The black crystal twisted light to cast a shadow. Much of the land was turned hostile and barren. The seas were made to rage and given the power to take life and deliver death. Fire became a force that could incinerate anything and everything within its crimson inferno.
Like a parasite, the black crystal fed off the darkness inside the hearts of all living things. Its glow continued to become more distinct and powerful. When the world overflows with the darkness of anger, hate, and fear, the fragile balance of the crystals is shattered and the black crystal reigns sovereign over all creation.
Light fades into shadow...
Terra firma crumbles to dust...
Water is turned to poison...
Fire abolishes all...
After the flicker of life beat so very strongly for so very long, will the form of the universe retake its original shape -- a lonely, empty void where darkness wields the specter of rule over all it surveys?

I think I'm still trying to comprehend where they pulled the whole wings thing, but I'm gonna try to ignore it. Anyway, the reason for the update title is this - the Turtle Island is a relatively well-known creation story.



We're dumped immediately into the game - no time to read instructions for us. We immediately see Irma being grabbed by what I'm going to charitably term 'roots'.


Battle at the Big Bridge

And then this thing shows up. I don't even fucking KNOW anymore, okay? I'm just rolling with the punches. Also, we finally get to hear Battle at the Big Bridge. I've been waiting for this track all game

Such sinister and malevolent power... So this is the true face of Bebuzzu. Don't let him get to you. If we combine our powers together, not even he stands a chance against us!


Legend of the Crystals Minigame
Warning: this video is wonky as hell for some unknown reason. The game just fucking hates this minigame, apparently. Anybody that doesn't like rapidly flickering images should probably avoid this - a shame, because it's the last minigame of Chocobo Tales.

This is actually a hint on how to play. Anyway, we're playing what's essentially air hockey with four players. Our goal is Bebuzzu's eye; theirs is Irma. Don't let the crystal hit her, hit him a lot. This first round with the fire crystal is only one hit. Humorously, I've somehow managed to hit him straight on by accident a couple times; I just nudged the crystal and the blockers failed to get it.



After hitting him the first time, we start getting the instructions on how to play. A little late, don't you think, game?

Try to aim for his eye. It's the only place open to attack on that monstrous body of his!



Irma takes damage every time the crystal touches her, even if you're the one who knocked it into her. So try super hard not to do that, okay? The green crystal takes a couple more hits: still not too many, but enough that it'll start to get tedious.



The secret is to charge up energy, and then strike the crystal together! Concentrate and match your timing with mine! Only then can we unleash the full potential of our double strike!



That might be a bit confusing, so here's the thing. You see those bars on the side of the screen? They fill up every time you hit the crystal. You know what they do?

Jack shit.

The way to trigger the 'double strike' is to hit Volg into the crystal. When you nudge him, he goes flying slightly. Knock him into the crystal, and it'll (usually) shoot straight for Bebuzzu's eye, knocking aside the defenders for a few seconds. Not that it helps much. The hit number for this segment is fucking ridiculous - I lose count around six or seven.



Don't forget that we can time our defense together to deflect his double strike with a double guard of our own! We're the mightiest chocobos to ever walk this planet! Unleash the power you clutch inside your talons to smite our foe!



Fine, it's the fucking Light crystal. I don't even care anymore. Anyway, it takes about a magnitude of ten times too many hits to end this form of Bebuzzu. Also of note: if you lose here, you have to restart at the beginning.

Also, Volg has a tendancy to knock the crystal into Irma. What gives? Wasn't she the one to raise him?



Aw yeah. Fuck off, Bebuzzu



He's surrounded by the magical rings of light...







...and sealed away into the Black Crystal once more. Good riddance, dog-book. You were amazing at first, but quickly became weird. Seriously, the fuck was with the Earth Crystal form?


Prelude
Legend of the Crystals Epilogue - Into Tomorrow

Those brought into existence by the first four crystals were born in fear of the darkness. However, the creator had given his children the key to open all doors -- the potential to change.
After countless years, certain creatures acquired wings that permitted them to soar through the heavens. Others grew fangs and horns to protect themselves, while some were even granted titanic bodies that allowed them to traverse the land without fear.
Life spun itself into many shapes as the potential to change gave living creatures the chance to combat the darkness.
Then came the last two races to be born into the cosmos.



The first had no claws or fangs, nor a shell, but instead possessed wisdom... They came to be known as humans.
The second had wings that carried them not into lofty skies, but between the world of darkness and this one... They came to be known as chocobos.
Humans and chocobos... Only by working together did they finally overcome the monarch of the emptiness, Bebuzzu.
This was how all living creatures declared an end to the fear of darkness, a solution that took over 40 billion years to come into realization.
And finally,
they step into tomorrow...

It has come to my attention that there is in fact a movie titled Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals. This has nothing to do with that as it does not take place on Planet R, as far as I know.


ODEKA ke Chocobo

We're spat out back where we entered. This seems subtly different, somehow. Probably the lack of a giant pillar of light leading to the dark wo- WINGS MOVING YOU FROM WORLD TO WORLD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?

Ahem.



It's finally over! Now things can get back to normal around here! Thank you so much! We're forever in your debt! Bebuzzu was way off the mark! You were so brave, Boco!

You want to say that any more excitedly? I think Carbuncle might not have heard you _{I miss Carbuncle}

An exclamation appears over Shirma's head; she notices something.

Irma, you're safe!



Volg would have rescued me fine all by himself. You always were one to...meddle.

Heee-heee!

What are you tittering about?

I'm just glad you're back to your old cranky self!



I happen to like her random outbursts, so I'm including them

Volg, let's get out of here before they cause us any more trouble.

Yes, milady.

Where are you going?

Far, far away from the rampant stink of your optimism, dear! Don't let this go to that flakey, little head of yours, but...



Please go on. Everything coming out of Irma's mouth right now is amazing

What? Could you say that a little louder, please?

Nothing, nothing! I was just clearing my throat. Ta-ta!

True to her word, she splits. Shame, I was starting to like her.



I dunno... Maybe she's the normal one, and all of US are the nut jobs. ...Or maybe it's just YOU.

Okay, so it's not just Irma. Anybody insulting Shirma and/or Croma is okay in my book.

Speak for yourself! Anyway, let's get back to the farm!



I know, Boco. I know. I'm not very thrilled either.


Ride On
Crazy Credits

You thought you were done with microgames? THINK AGAIN. We've got one last game to play, and it's Crazy Credits. Tap every 'o' in the names to get points. Tap something else, you lose points. Gold is 400 points. Overall, it's not hard, but it makes it rather stressful when all I'd rather be doing is relaxing and patting myself on the back for a job well done.



Well, this LP is almost finished. This game was a big one in my childhood, strangely enough; I played it all the time while on car rides and such. Strangely enough, the bumping never bothered me. Probably because I was a stupid kid. Anyway, as a kid I never managed to fully beat the game, so it's actually a cool thing that I've done this.

We're not done by a long shot, though. Still got a few more things to do.



Also, I'm apparently amazing at tapping that. Even fucking up a few times, I've still managed to come in at 150% the required score.




Go team. We've got... all but seven cards, now? And I know where they are.


Chocobo Village

What. What. No. No no no. You are not pulling a fucking 'It was all a story' stunt. No. I refuse.

And so, thanks to Boco, the bravest chocobo ever, the island was saved, and everyone lived happily ever after. And that's how it happened! Did you like today's story?

I like to think that Boco wrote this himself and forced Shirma to read it.



Mother fucker...

That sounds like Croma!

Hey, Shirma! Heyyy, everybody!!! Feast your eyes! I acquired this spectacular book far to the west...



Boco is having none of your shit, Croma.

Ow! Ow! Stop pecking me there!

Silly Croma. You and your picture books!



And that's the end of the story. All that's left is wrapping up a few things, and we'll be home clear. Unfortunately/fortunately, those 'few things' are about 50% tedious and 50% fun as shit. So yeah.

Next time: 50/50 fun to shit ratio.