Part 10: The canal is open, the plot can continue

Chapter 9: The canal is open, the plot can continue

THIS TIME ON FINAL FANTASY: A CANAL IS OPENED, THE PLOT CAN CONTINUE.

: Oh hey, look, that friendly little dwarf made us a canal! Let's see where all this ocean goes!


Onward we sailed... across the glistening sea, to destinations unknown. On the bow of a pirate ship, destinies hanging in the balance of some pretentious text before the next screenshot.


: Look at this dump.
: Ten bucks says they are going to need some sort of help the moment we step foot inside.


: I don't know about burying those bodies so close to the drinking water...


Oh dear. This is the town of Melmond. The townsfolk just wander around aimlessly. They have no item shop and no clinic. So, if one of your party members dies, too friggin' bad. Go back to Elfland.


: It's ok, baby, you don't have to yell.
This line is said by a fair chunk of the NPCs from this point on. It is so overkilled, in fact, that they go ahead and make fun of this line in FF2.


:...alright, let's buy magic.


Petoux Pancake did a really stupid thing and did not buy Oyst WARP, which is a spell that allows you to jump to the previous floor of a dungeon, and if you're on the first then you leave.. Luckily she left a spot open for Medi to get the spell later. Pitu has LIFE, HEL2 and CURE3, Medi has CURE3 as well. Due to a bug HEL2 works as HEL2 in battle but as HEL3 outside of battle. Quite a bargain.


: It gets funnier everytime. Nice job!


: Ugh, we have no need for any of this shit, let's move on.


: Silver bracelets for the rest of us! Hurray!


: Check out this sweet spell guys...


: Yeah, now I'm indestructable!


: Where is your BANE now, Oyst? Jesusfuck, why is this always happening!?
As awesome as the possibility of insta-killing every enemy with a simple level 5 spell is, it...doesn't work all the time.


: Don't you look at me like that. I'm not trying to be a higher level than my comrades. Just fucking revive them. Reserve your judgement.


Pitu learns the facts of LIFE here. It doesn't work in battle.


: Hm, let's go down here guys. We might as well take care of that vampire problem...


: Look at this fat fuck blocking the way.


: Wow, why don't we just fight this guy? That's how we've solved all our 'road blocks' before.
: Now, now, Pitu. Maybe we can explore elsewhere. There's a whole world in front of us!
: Pathetic, the lot of you! Watch him have a taste of my hammer!
: GODDAMMIT PITU GET YOUR SORRY ASS BACK HERE WE ARE EXPLORING DEPTHS OF THE EARTH NOT THE DEPTHS OF HIS ANUS WE ARE LEAVING AND YOU NEED US AS MEAT SHIELDS.
: .....Fine. You're buying me drinks later.


: I think this is where the townspeople said the vampire was.
: Let's get in there and kick his ass so we can move on from this place!


This is the Earth Cave, it's pretty much a maze of tough battles and some rewarding treasures if you bother to go find them. The music here is annoying though, so is the amount of random battles. The hallway to the left is the Hall of Giants, where every step is a random encounter with anywhere from one to four giants. The lower part connects to the upper and it leads to nowhere. Fantastic.


Unfortunately, not unlike any other dungeon, walking in the vicinity of a treasure chest will summon a battle. The Earth Cave sucks for this reason...


Earth elemental. This guy is an asshole with teeth. He has the capability to deal over 100 damage, and to our magic oriented party, this is not good news.


: Ugh... I really don't want to meet one of those guys again.
: Quit your bitchin!


: Hell yeah, that's more like it!




: There's too many twists and turns in this place. I'm gettin' tired guys.


: Here's some stairs, Libb. Maybe we're almost there.


: These bats are such a disappointment.
: Seriously, dude, they are never going to say anything else.


This looks pretty bad, but all these little rooms pretty much lead to the same place...






Finally, we're seeing some progress.


: This place is neverending.
: Fuck that town. Fuck that vampire.
: Aw, c'mon baby, we're supposed to be the heroes.


Y'know, these things used to be a threat. But that was before Pitu learned HARM2.


Now undead enemies are a joke. They'd be even more of one if Petoux had picked up HARM3.


: Holy shit, some red bats!


: Too bad the only thing they do is get in the way when you try to walk.


: I'm starting to notice a trend here... purple is the hue of evil.


Someone has been listening to too much Manson lately...


: Look, Nosferatu, we don't have time for this bullshit.
: Whatever you're hiding, you might as well just give it up. We're not going anywhere.


: Yeah, bitch!


: Ahahaha! How do you like my new spell!?





I think three turns did this poor little guy in. He wasn't much of a fight. But what was he protecting?!


: We came all this way for a second-rate semi-precious stone?


: Well, that's all that's here. Let's go back.
: Hopefully that solved the problem back in Melmond.


: Wonder-fucking-ful.


: Let's go see what that cute little giant is up to.


: YOU MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE WENT THROUGH TO GET THAT!? YOU EAT THE FUCKING THING!? YOU SON OF A BITCH. I SHOULD KILL YOU.
: Pitu!
: Jesus fuck, we broke her.






Time to go visit this fool sage. Why do all these creeps live in caves?


: This is a pretty neato cave!


: I don't know what these are...
: I kind of don't want to know.


I kind of like these mage guys. They always look so happy.


: OH FUCK YOU! I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE!
: You seem to be very knowledgable on the subject...could you, perhaps, do it yourself?
: Fuck it guys, you know we're the only goddamn cretins on this cursed planet that can actually kill monsters, and all these shops in towns were all created solely for us. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY.
Welcome to Final Fantasy.

We also have our own Character Cards now. Here's Pitu's: