Part 32: Part Thirty-Two: Civil War

Part Thirty-Two: Civil War

What were we up to last time?


Oh yeah, some jackasses blew up the Enterprise for no reason.







Apparently we've landed right in the middle of a civil war.


We're too important to watch some dudes kill each other right now, so let's go give the king an earful.


This is Saronia, by the way. We're not actually informed of that, but I guess Golbez just understands it from the earth.




Do you know who we are, you chucklefucks?

We're the goddamn Warriors of Light, go get the king.


And then go fuck yourselves.


Our ego trip wasn't really productive, so I'm just going to go south instead.


How are all those trees growing on those bricks and stuff?


Here is one of Saronia's gimmicks: it's split into four districts.



Four districts means four times as many NPCs.


That would normally make it a huge library, but honestly, I'd be surprised if these guys got past "The Cat in the Hat", literature-wise.


I can't pull out a good joke about anti-intellectualism here, but wow, imagine if I could. Gold thread for sure.


The smith here is part of one of the mognet sidequests. Irrelevant right now, though, because we don't actually have the stuff to deal with it.


Blah blah blah, class backstory. Saronia has some history with Dragoons.



Saronia's other gimmick: the shops are closed.


Did you enjoy Northwestern Saronia? You'll love Southwestern Saronia.

If you didn't, uh, go read another update or something. I bet part twelve was a real winner, maybe you should check it out.



Something similar happened in Final Fantasy IV, I think.


Gigameth? Is that Kiloheroin's brother?







I bet y'all are really surprised to see a Wellspring, that's rare.



It's really terrible that a senile old man like this is left to live on the street.



The king sounds like our kind of dude.




This guy is kind of useful.


Coo-ee.



Fat Chocobo is an item bank, and I take the chance to dump off some of the more useless crap I've picked up.


The whole country(?) is tearing itself apart with civil war, and the royals are off tearing themselves apart with drink.



Fuck Saronia, I'm going in the river.


Who gives a shit?


Saronia's not actually that long a part of the game, and most of the time in it is spent running between districts. It's also not really hinted at that you need to come here, you're just supposed to buzz the castle by accident, I guess I bet it's a real pain in the butt if you don't know what you're supposed to do, like if you're playing the game for the first time or something.



A moogle!


Why is this soldier just hanging around in town, anyway?

Why are you not murdering your friends?

Go murder your friends.



Ooh, chocobos.


These are pretty handy if you need to go between districts.


Did you know that Saronia has its own theme?



Because it does.


This isn't actually because of spears, it's because spears have the Wind element attached to them, and a lot of flying things are weak to Wind. A few spears also have different elements attached.


The Dragon Spire is Saronia's substitute for an actual dungeon. You don't have to go in, but it's a good idea to - the place isn't that hard.


But first, other stuff!


We already know that, guy.


Here we go, last district!


You can ride a chocobo over a town's world map thing like this.


So if you so desire, you can dismount and end up sort of on top of a town.


It doesn't accomplish anything. Northeastern Saronia.


This is the remedial education district.


There are a few NPCs who have repeated dialogue within Saronia. I understand that the idea of having four districts is meant to make Saronia feel huge, but it just doesn't quite do it for me.


Saronia is boring.


We sort of already knew this.


Another deserter, I suppose.


I don't know what this is referring to, honestly. I think it's just idle backstory.


So what happened to them? And how old is the technology for airships? Why aren't they everywhere like they are in Final Fantasy IX?


Why did this happen, though? And how come nobody ever noticed that the king is nuts?


Every shop in Saronia is locked up right now.


Except for this one.


It sells spears. Spears are Dragoon weapons. There is a big tower in the middle of town that's supposed to have a Dragoon's greatest treasure or whatever in it.

Have a Dragoon for Saronia.

By the way, you know how I mentioned that all spears have the Wind element attached? Well, the Wind spear is apparently notable for being Wind-elemental, so I guess it's double Wind?


Anyway, it's back to a place I skipped earlier.


If you walk into the tavern in Southwestern Saronia, you see these guys picking on a kid.


Is the prince a major loser? Because the dude is straight-up impersonating one of those.


Hint: it's probably death, the same as the penalty for talking to the king.


I just realised that the Warriors of Light look like super dorks.

: H-hey! Uh... Stop that!

Wow, look at the big balls on Jecht.


Hahahaha, you are going to die.

I am going to murder you.


Gold Knights! Wow, I'm shaking!



These aren't even special Gold Knights.



Black Hole kills a guy outright.

Fun fact, Shadowflare has a 40% chance of showing up in this fight.


These four teenagers just killed three dudes in a barfight.



Nah, they just run away.


Now we get to be the bullies.

: I am Alus, son of King Gorn, and rightful heir to the throne of Saronia. Thank you for your help, brave ones!

Look at the prince's name, and I double dare you not to read it as sounding like "Alice". Dude is cold named Alice.

By the way, that's his battle sprite from the NES version, where you can see his cool crown style.

: Prince Alus...what's happening to this country?

Civil War, dipshit. Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?

: My father, the king... He suddenly ordered our soldiers to fight amongst themselves!

I still don't quite understand how this went down. Was it just, like, three PM on a Saturday and the king says "alright dudes, civil war" and nobody had any reservations about that?

: I tried to stop him, but not only did he refuse to listen to me, but he threw me out of the castle.

The man who decided to start a civil war for no apparent reason was maybe not completely reasonable? I'm amazed.

: Adventurers, I must ask for your help... I need to get back into the castle and convince my father to cease this nonsense!
: We're with you, Prince Alus! We'll do our best!
: I can ask for no more than that. Thank you!

If you want to really help someone, a bunch of murderers is probably the last group you want to ask.


Next time: somebody dies, I promise to god.