Part 6: Update Six: I Can't Get A Magnet To Stick To Me

Update Six: I Can't Get A Magnet To Stick To Me

Welcome back! Last time, on Final Fantasy IV, we met Anna, Gustav's daughter, and Edward, the Prince of Damycan, who was to marry Anna. Upon seeing Anna's dead body, Gustav flew into a rage, tried to kill Edward and then we found out it was all a mysterious Golbez' fault. Gustav then left the party to go fuck up Golbez by himself. Today, we're going to get the item we need to save Rosa's life, so let's mosey.





Oh, you're probably wondering about the update title.



Well, I have over thirty pins/screws and four or five plates inside of me and I was trying to get some magnets to stick to me earlier. Fridge magnets won't do it, and that's the strongest we have around the house. At least, that I know of.



I'm glad my younger cousins haven't realized that I am potentially magnetic.



They already try to steal my hat anytime they can; I don't need the little bastards chasing me with magnets.



Oh, yeah, I'm LP'ing a game! To get over here, we head north and east from Damcyan Castle. These little rock things are shallows and the Hovercraft can cross them.

_{Now hopefully you won't realize that I forgot to rename Edward at the beginning of the update...}



The Hovercraft is kind of cool. It's a bit faster than Cecil (at least, I think so), there are no random encounters while riding it and you can, y'know, progress the game.



Whoops! We're not going there yet!



Down here is where we're going today.





It's not a very big dungeon, so we'll be plowing through the entire thing today. Later dungeons...Oh, Christ, those could take me multiple updates.





There are a bunch of items in here and you can see the first chest to the left.



There's also a few new enemies in here, but we'll get to them in due time.



Potions are still useful. They'll heal a good chunk of Kim and Edward's HP and they're even useful for Cecil. He won't hardly need any, since he's so Goddamned tough, but it's nice to know we've got something just in case.



Spider's Silk is a very sexy item; it casts Slow on an enemy. Slow in this game rocks face. You'll see why when I reach a boss that's actually difficult.



In this square, we encounter a new enemy.



The Adamantoise has 190 HP and a weakness to Ice. They're also classified as an "Insect".



Yeah, I don't know what the hell, either. It's a Goddamned turtle.



Anyways, Eddy here uses a harp to attack. A lot of his harps will have some sort of status effect attached to them. He has a few abilities, too; including "Sing" (which lets him sing a song, usually at the enemy, with the chance of a status effect), "Heal" (in which he splits a Potion between the entire party; seriously, a single potion split between three people is less than 20 HP for all of them) and finally, "Hide" (he hides, like a bitch).



But not his starting one. It, uh...It just blows and I'm sad I'm writing about attacking with a harp. Now, Edward's harps are affected by what row he's in, so he'd be more effective in the front row, but he could also get his ass kicked by just about anything in here.



I'm also trying very hard not to make gay jokes about Eddy.



Seriously, though, it's harder than you think. But, if I'll barely make any for Mallow, I can try and give Edward the same respect.



I have no idea why these treasure chests are blue.





On the way over there, I get into a fight. I also tested out Eddy's Heal ability.



I should have just kept the Potion and had Edward pinch his balls with some forceps.



Oh, well, hey, I got my Potion back.



And a Gold Needle. I think Edward's Heal would be much more useful if it split the effect evenly or if he could extend it to ailment healing items. Also, if I could choose the item he uses. Just these few things would make him a much better character.

In some versions of the game, Edward's Heal will use as many Potions are there are party members. So, for these three, he'd use three Potions. That doesn't sound too bad to me, but with a full party of five, that could get expensive, especially if you have him moving up in healing items.



To make up for all those words, have a new enemy!



The Yellow Jelly is just like the Red Mousse, but yellow and weak to Thunder.



Edward gets to try and serenade one of the pudding monsters, having moved on from Anna already.



I don't know what purple orbs have to do with putting someone to sleep, but I've seen those before when I've taken my Ambien.



Anyways, thank God Kim has Thunder. Were these Red Mousses, we'd be proper fucked, as Kim doesn't have Fire. Isn't that...Unusual?



Edward gained a level from that last fight. Fuck this asshole.



Anyways, let's move on. I prefer to keep how hard Edward blows out of any respectable conversation.





We're 2/3rds of the way through the dungeon now.



It's not very big and the monsters aren't very tough, thankfully. Edward and Kim are easily murdered, even in the back row.



I could have Edward make good use of this but I tend to forget they're in my inventory.



Behind that door lies probably the best treasure of this dungeon.





A brand-new weapon for Edward!



Not only does it double his attack, but it also has a good chance to confuse the enemy when Edward attacks. Confusion in this game can seriously fuck some enemies up and since Edward's attack power is so feeble, he has a better chance of confusing them than he does of killing them. It also changes the color of the notes he blasts at enemies.



Moving on from the Lamia Harp room...





...We find a way into a different part of the dungeon, but I skip it for now. You'll see why later.



Spider's Silk is nice. Slow is White Magic in this game, but sometimes, there are better things for your White Magic users to be doing than casting Slow, so being able to have anyone do it, with an item, to boot, is a really nice thing.





I have a ton of Potions in my inventory. As it turns out, when I bought some back in Kaipo, I didn't really need them.





Oh, well. I'd rather have something and not need it over needing it and not having it, know what I mean?



So, how many of you in the thread haven't played this game? As far as I know, there are three of you.



I could have sworn there was a secret passage over here, but I didn't find one. Than again, I didn't look particularly hard; I'm sure there is someone now typing a furious response that I have, indeed, missed something and that I'm the worst LP'er ever. Well, I have news for you, assbutt!



I don't need you pointing things out for people to realize I'm a terrible LPer!



...I'm not a terrible LPer, am I, guys?



Oh, hey, this room doesn't look like it holds a boss fight.



And neither does that odd rock formation. No sir, no boss fight here



Gah! Warn me before you're just going to pop out of Cecil!



Edward goes to grab the Sand Ruby for us.



Kim, don't be frightened! It's just going to kill Edward!



That sounds like bullshit to me.





Holy crap, it bit him so hard it flung him into the air.



You're not even bleeding, you big baby.



"Have" is kind of a strong word, Cecil.



While it might look like Kim is sighing in disappointment, she's just nodding. Don't be upset with her, folks, she's only five; she doesn't know better.



And now, we've got a boss fight on our hands. The Antlion isn't too bad, as could be expected when you have two of the squishiest people in the game backing you up.



The Antlion has 1,100 HP to tear through, but Cecil is doing nearly 1/11th of his HP right there.



He has a counter-attack for physicals, though.



He fires these dangerous-ass looking spikes at Cecil. At first, I thought it was because Cecil had initially attacked him, but later in the fight, you'll see it doesn't automatically hit whoever attacked him.



That looks horrifically painful.



And that's coming from the guy who broke enough bones that he knows the pain a woman feels when she gives birth.



Edward's notes are now a color I like better.



He still hits like a butterfly, though.



He used Counter Horn on Cecil, despite Edward attacking him. I'm perfectly fine with this, though, as Cecil has buckets of HP in comparison to our other party members.



Chocobo is the best spell to use against the Antlion, I think.



Not only do you get to see an oversized chicken kicking the shit out of some horrible monster from a 50's B-movie, but it does good damage, too.



When I was a little kid, my dad did a runthrough of this game where he was renaming everyone after different types of airplanes. He renamed Rydia/Kim to "B-52" and I think you can see why.



My dad is pretty big into military stuff and building airplane models. He's got this big collection and it's really impressive.



I'm going to shut up about my dad now. He's a really cool guy, though.



Anyways, just beat on the Antlion with your strongest attacks and he'll fall. Edward should be relegated to the role of Heal-Bitch this fight, as Sing will be useless and he doesn't hit hard enough to warrant the risk of a counter-attack.



We obtain the Sand Ruby after the fight.



In all fairness, that one is totally harmless now, too.



But why? It's a recent event, as indicated by the dialog from Cecil earlier, and nobody seems to know what's causing it.



Me too, Cecil. Something is rotten in the world of Final Fantasy IV, it seems...



Oh, yeah, Kim. Thank God you're here to keep us on track.



Cecil, did you forget too?





Remember those steps I skipped earlier?



It leads to this little area.



Inside that door, there's a save point and three more treasure chests.





These first two aren't bad items.



But this is the useful thing. It automatically lets you leave any dungeon.

I left this here until I beat the Antlion because I knew I wouldn't need to save and plus, walking over here to get the Emergency Exit allows me to soak up a bit more XP.



Let's clear on outta here.



I don't know why Cecil spinning in a circle was .gif worthy to me, but I like to think you guys appreciate it.





Landing at the entrance, Cecil does that same spin before coming to a stop.



Let's get on back to Kaipo. I hope Rosa didn't die as we were off fucking around with a giant octopus, a castle being blown to Kingdom Come and getting the Sand Ruby.





To the west of Damcyan Castle are the shallows needed to get back to Kaipo.



How the hell is the Hovercraft powered?



I'm going to guess it's magically powered because, fuck it, wizards probably do that kind of shit all the time.



I love the fact that you can fly the Hovercraft over the oasis next to Kaipo.



I like it enough that I found it worthwhile to give you two screenshots of it.





Before we go save Rosa's life, there's one thing I have to do.





Namingway, you good-for-one-thing son of a bitch!



Rename this useless ponce!



I like to think that Cecil and Kim just started calling Edward this after seeing his performance in the Antlion's Den.



Anyways, folks, we're done here today. Next time, on Final Fantasy IV, we'll finally save Rosa's life! Stay tuned!



As much as I like Chump for renaming Edward, I'm still not 100% on the name. There's been a lot of great names in the thread, including Gil, Chump, Champ, Cash, LtMrdr, Useles, Giygas, Bertie, Hank and Weed.

I'd like you guys to vote on your favorite name; Tuesday at midnight, EST is when voting. BOLD your votes for your favorite name and I'll use whatever is the most popular. Usually, I just pick and choose my favorites, but this time, I just can't settle on one, so I'd like you guys to help me.