Part 19: Update Nineteen: Like A Fucking B-Movie

Update Nineteen: Like A Fucking B-Movie

Welcome back! Last time, on Final Fantasy IV, Bowser rejoined our team, we rescued Rosa and we kicked the ass of the third Elemental Lord (or Duchess or Huriqueen or whatever you want to fucking call her) and she was bringing the Tower of Zot down around us. Today, we're going to see the exciting conclusio, so let's mosey.





We appear...Oh, Jesus, we're not where I think we are, are we?





So, Rosa...Automatic teleport to Cecil's room?





Bowser, if it's about Rosa having her own secret way into Cecil's room, I'd just keep that quiet.





Well, Golbez has all of them; what more can you tell us?



: the Crystals.



Aww, hell, this isn't one of those games where "Ice" and "Water" are different elements, are they?





Legends? And you didn't see fit to bring this up?



Ah, Jesus.



Why didn't you mention this earlier, you fuck!?



Cid, if you had brought this up earlier, then maybe we could have gotten those and then Golbez would be fucked!







Oh. That's why you didn't bring that up earlier, Cid. We've pretty much seen everything the world has to offer.



What the hel--



Thanks, Cid. I couldn't have said it better myself.



: Crystals of light and darkness are gathered, the path to the moon will open.

...What the friggidyfuck.



Like a Goddamned shitty Sci-Fi movie...



There's a key for this kind of thing?





A rock? A rock opens the way to the underground and to the moon.



Cecil can't believe this shit, either.





Excellent question, Leave!





We'll figure it out. By the end of this update, I'll just have shown you!



: something.

I like Cid's idea.

: I don't know where the fuck we're going, but we'll fly around until we find i!



Oh, Goddammit, Cecil. Paladin Buzzkill.



Autopilot? Cid, you are the best engineer of all time.



Lead sad and meaningless lives, Rosa.



And Cid knows it, too.



He sounds so casual about this. "Everyone, get your nappies in! We're going to Hell tomorrow!"



As I've said before, it's because Golbez is an idiot.







And, apparently, they all rest up in Cecil's room.





Anyways, before we go find the entrance to the Underworld, remember Eblan Castle and the bad shit that beat me up while I was there?



That's right, I'm heading there first. It's to help pad out this short update, because the next update is going to be fucking action packed.





We'll be taking care of this chest first. It's just a step above the door and to the right.



And so, monsters in a chest!



Skuldiers, like the other skeleton monsters we've encountered, are weak to Fire and Holy.



They also hit a hell of a lot harder when we first encountered them.



That Steel Golem in the back, though, hits like a truck.



And their hits can put characters to sleep; as you can see, Cid has a bubble coming out of his nose, like Mario in Super Mario RPG.



Anyways, I mentioned that the Skuldiers were weak to Fire.



They also only have 750 HP, so Cecil easily crushes this one.



And that Steel Golem in the back is weak to Ice, but also counts as a Giant type monster, which Leave's Fairy Claw is effective against.



The Steel Golem also has 1,950 HP, so this was barely a one-shot from Leave. They're tough customers.



Anyways, our reward for that fight is the Sleep Blade, for Cecil. Bowser can use it, too, but eh.



If I had gotten this when I first could have, it would have only been a five point boost to attack, with the chance of causing Sleep. It's a good weapon, sure, but nothing I feel that you need to have.



Our next chest for today is this one here, with the Coeurl and the Lamia.





There's not a lot to say about this fight, other than Bowser's spear is purple. I just think that's neat.



And Leave and Rosa wound up Paralyzed at the end of the fight.



This is the main reason I didn't grab all of the chests. Sure, most people probably knew that Bowser was going to rejoin the party, but I sure as hell wasn't going to be the one who spoiled it.



It looks like a wonderful weapon, doesn't it?



Before you get the idea in your head that it is a great weapon, these are Bowser's stats without the Blood Spear.



And with the Blood Spear. All of his stats went down by 10, and look at his Precision; Bowser won't be hitting much of anything with the Blood Spear.



So, he's better off with the Wind Spear.



Down here is the last chest that I didn't get.





Three Mad Ogres; 2,000 HP a piece and they hit damned hard. Magic isn't very effective against them, either, but they are Giant types.



Apparently, they're also Mage Types. I wouldn't have guessed that.



Anyways, our reward for this is another Silver Apple.



I give them both to Rosa, just because my main healer should have a good bit of survivability. There might be someone more worthwhile later on, but Rosa is the best at keeping everyone alive, so she gets the extra HP.



But, with that distraction out of the way, let's make our way to the Underground.



Yeah, remember Agart? Little pissant town?



I won't blame you if you forgot it, as it's not that amazing.



Anyways, it all has to do with this well.



And you know when you see a really deep hole, how you just want to drop some shit into it?



Oddly enough, that's how you open the way to Hell.



Imagine that cartoon sound effect of when a bomb is falling.



Just that long-ass whistle, like Wile E. Coyote fell off a mountain.



Oh, that pesky Roadrunner. Always outsmarting that Coyote.





Before I get too distracted with thoughts of old cartoons, let's get back to the matter at hand.



Why are we--







Well, I think we just killed an entire village with an earthquake and mountain destruction.



Maybe that's the trick to getting into Hell; we just kill a lot of people and we're swallowed up.



Nah, just kidding. Everything in the village is fine. I don't have shots of it, because I...

Well, I'll be honest. I kind of don't give a flying fuck about Agart.



But now, we've got a big hole in the mountain!



I'll admit, this is one of the best ways to get to Hell in a game ever.



We blow open a fucking mountain, then dive straight into Hell in an airship driven by a crazy bearded son of a bitch.





By the way, I'm not flying here. This is all on rails, over the red rocks and and lava.



And, uh...That big-ass tower. It might also be near Eblan, but I've purposely kept it hidden.



You might wonder why, but there's some shit in this game that just seems to draw more spoilery discussion than other stuff, so I decided to just keep that on the DL.



Anyways, the fucking Red Wings are down here.



And they're fighting tanks.



If there is one thing you remember from this game, remember that airships were having a battle with tanks.



In Hell.



How in the fuck did they beat you down here!? You guys opened the fucking path!





Right now, Cid doesn't care who's fighting; we've gotta get the hell out of here.



And off we go!





Jesus Christ!



As we try to flee, explosions rock Enterprise.



We're not making it out of here that easily.





As the ship begins to go down, the screen fades to black...



...But it's okay.



Apparently, only Cecil suffered from the airship crashing.



And it's that bad kind of suffering; the kind where shit gets all wavy on you.



Despite all of the bad shit that happened to me, never once did things get wavy. Maybe I was never in danger like Cecil here.



I mean, call it my ego, but I think I have better HP and defense than a Paladin.



But, enough of that.



We've got a new area to check out!



Next time, that is.

Speaking of next time, that's when we'll start our investigation of the Underground! Stay tuned!