Part 20: Update Twenty: Did You Really Think She Was Dead?

Update Twenty: Did You Really Think She Was Dead?

Welcome back! Last time, on Final Fantasy IV, we blew up a mountain and dove into Hell with our airship. Today, some awesome shit is going to happen, so let's mosey.



Now, I intended this to start by walking into the castle.





I got into a fight first, so let's get this out of the way.



These guys can hit kind of hard, but they're fairly pathetic.



The Magma Tortoise is weak to Ice and only has 435 HP, so these guys are one shot by our physical guys.



The Armadillo has 325 HP and no weaknesses, so, uh...They die.



Alright, into the castle we go. I hope nobody minds that we just barge on in.



Oh, yeah, and this is where dwarves come from.



And these are the dwarves. You'll love these guys.



And if you don't love them, consider this your invitation to just go get the hell out of my thread.



Just you wait until we meet King Giott. He's the best monarch ever.





Goddammmit, Golbez, how the fuck did you get down here already!? Why don't you take a damn break after getting hit by Meteor!?





Also, this is the dwarf catchphrase. Remember it well.



Before we go too far, let's explore a bit.





These are the only shops we can reach right now, so we'll hit them right now.



Jesus Balls, that's a pretty expensive inn.



Especially since we can buy Cottages right here, for 100 gil cheaper, and they do the same thing as the Inn! Though, I'll still stay at the inn, because money will never be in short supply.



I don't remember what status curing item isn't shown here, but it's not that important.



And a place we can't get to yet.



This guy is full of shit and I don't know what the hell he's talking about. We can use their items just fine.



Unless everyone in the party is actually a dwarf. That's a twist I could handle.







We can't go up the steps on the other side of the room. It's another important room.



Poor Luca.







LALI-HO!



Alright, let's get to that throne room.





It's cutscene time, so strap in for some



Take a good long look at King Giott. Remember him.



First off, he's polite. Seriously, strangers from the world above just burst into his castle and he's just throwing out a genial greeting.





He's not being an asshole or anything, either. Just wants to know why the hell we're here.





He's also immediately noticed we're not a group of jerkoffs.



Admittedly, though, he should have blown us away with his tanks as soon as we approached the door.





I'd say two steps, but I'm not going to argue with the karate master.







If you don't have airships, how do you cross the lava?



Then again, I guess crossing the lava might not be a big concern to them. Considering it's lava and all, and I'm sure it lights shit on fire real well. As well as melting stuff.



Oh, God, Cid, you should work with the dwarves and build me a flying tank.



Give me forty cannons and tank treads!



: then fly back to the surface and gather me some mythril to armor her better.

Cid's a Goddamned genius; he's been down here for, what, fifteen minutes and he already knows how to armor the airship to protect it from lava?



Hell, Cecil and Bowser are wearing Mythril armor. Could they withstand a lava bath?





Not only is he going back to the surface to armor our airship, but he's willing to make the trip back down, in the midst of a war, so that we can fly around Hell and give the finger to lava.



What I'm saying here is that Cid is awesome.



Remember that episode of Family Guy where Peter made a religion dedicated to The Fonz?



I'm an ordained minister, so I could run a religion dedicated to Cid.





Back on track, Cecil is getting kind of nosy. I mean, we haven't really done anything to help them, yet. Why should Giott tell us where the Crystal is?



Oh, and if you're wondering what elements the Dark Crystals represent, keep wondering. They don't ever tell us in the game.



Leave, you and I have been through this before. You shouldn't be surprised by this.





Ah, hell. Can anything go smoothly for us?



Oh, get used to this, King Giott. Bad shit follows these guys like farts follow old people.



Sweet fuck, what is that?



Midgets are spying on us!



Bullshit, Cecil! I saw them!



Cecil, why would you even doubt him? He could kick your ass six ways from Sunday.





King Giott, you're going to regret this decision rather quickly.



But, this is the way to the Crystal Room. Let's get this over with.





...Or maybe not.



While these guys try to flee from the dolls, I highly urge you to click on that music link.

I'm terrible at video game music; I rarely remember track names, where music plays, and I'll be fucked if I know many track titles. But if there is one song from this game that has stuck with me, it is that one up there. Click on it before you read any further.







Anyways, we're now stuck in the Crystal Room with these fucking dolls.







In case you weren't sure this was a serious threat, the room darkens to purple.



All four dolls jump around...



...Then line up...



...And jump in unison.



These are Luca's dolls.



Well, I guess they are kinda cute.



This is more the emotion I feel from these guys. It's mostly the music.



Oh, and I guess that has something to do with it, too.







And they work for Golbez, too. I don't understand how Golbez got to these dolls, but I'm not going to question it.





But, now we've got to fight them.



I wouldn't say this fight is tough, but I seem to always have trouble with it. I can't even tell you why.



The Brinas are in the front and the Calcos are in the back; Brinas have 369 HP, while Calcs have 1,369 HP. Unfortunately, they're not weak to anything.



Leave can kill a Brina in one shot, which is wonderful.



The Calcos have a bit of power behind their attacks, but nothing I'd worry about. Rosa can heal up whatever happens.





There's not really a lot to say here. Other than the creepy music keeps playing during the fight.



Until this happens.





They fuse into Calcobrena, and the regular boss music starts.



And this is where you fucking unload on it.



With 5,315 HP, and no weaknesses, there's nothing special you can do here.





Just beat the doll the fuck up.





Sometimes, I can deplete the doll's entire HP, but usually I don't. I'm awful at this fight.



And then they'll split back into the six dolls.



It was at this point that they decided that Leave was an asshole who needed to eat dirt, so he was the major target for the rest of this fight.



Then again, I don't think it was entirely unwarranted...





It was around this point that Leave was knocked out and I couldn't keep him alive for the rest of the fight. I'd Phoenix Down him, but before someone could drop some healing on him, Calc would sucker punch him in the crotch and he'd be back on the floor.



This is the other major trick of Calc's; this inflicts Confuse on somebody.



This time it was Cecil and I was less than impressed with his confusion antics.



As all he did was cast Cure on Calcobrena.



That's 1 HP healed, yes. This could have been much worse.



But, let's get this over with. I'm tired of talking about this fight.



And through the magic of selective screenshotting, we're now done here.





They call me the bully, but they're the ones who ganged up on Leave.



I'm wondering how long Golbez has had control of these dolls if he's just finding out this place exists.



I mean, they were back here before we were. Surely, Golbez could have blown the throne room the fuck open with his magic and just walked back here.





The lights flash and then...







Shit goes bad.



Because the man himself has teleported in here. Why didn't he do this before?



Remember how I kept calling him a moron?



I think this is some good evidence. Though, it's nice to see that he's impressed we blew open a fucking mountain.



And he proves himself a fool.



: to the moon. Legends say the moon possesses power beyond our comprehension. I need only one more Crystal to realize my dream. You have been of great aid to my quest. Now prepare for your final reward!



So, yeah, Golbez's master plan is to collect all eight Crystals, both Light and Dark, go to the moon and...

Become like, super powered Moon Jesus or something. Look, I'm not sure how it all works. I'm not the one who's going to the moon.



But, uh...We are fighting Golbez now.





And we're off to a wonderful start.



Bowser gets the fuck out of there and I think that's a wonderful idea.



Since Golbez, y'know, survived the strongest spell of all time.





Golbez is not amused with our bullshit.



Hey, man, if I followed that FAQ I reference, I'd be like, fifteen levels higher!





It's time for our shit to end.



Golbez finally does what he should have done back in Fabul.



He locks us down.





However, despite his immense power, he doesn't kill us himself.



At some point, he learned how to summon.



And calls forth this scary-ass motherfucker.



Bowser, you fool! You should have stayed away!



Though, it horrifies me that I watched him land on Golbez and he stilled missed.





Oh, God, what the hell is that?



Oh, Christ, he killed Bowser!



Rosa, no!



Well, guys, looks like this is the end. We had a good run, didn't we?



Huh. Looks like Cecil even gets his own special execution.



Or just bloody wiped from existence.



What the fuck...?



Oh, hell yes.



Ladies and gentlemen...



...May I present to you...





...The most wonderful and beautiful woman in the entire world, both over and under!?





Kim's back!



Now, then, we've gotta fight Golbez and defeat him; I like to have everyone alive for this, since it is a boss fight and all.



Thankfully, that Bio from Golbez missed, but that's the last bit of thankfulness I have in this fight.





I can win this fight like this, yeah, but dammit, I want that XP to go to everyone in the fight!





So, I try and bring Bowser back. My plan here is to have him Jump and leave him out of danger for a minute, while dealing big damage to Golbez.



However, Golbez is on to my bullshit already. Maybe I shouldn't have made this plan using one of his former soldiers.



The Sap effect of Bio is about to kill Bowser, so that was a wash. Bringing Rosa back means bringing the healing back.



But then, I guess Golbez doesn't like having that many women alive.





Alright, this patterns repeats longer than I like to admit. So, fuck it, we're going to scoot to the end of the fight.





Because, Jesus, that fight is just difficult for me. I don't know why. I've got the video of the fight if you want to watch it and tell me where I fucked up.



Because I would like to know.



But, Golbez is defeated.



Like, lying on his face after an ass-whipping defeated.



Go the moon now, bitch!



And Kim's back, too!





She was swallowed by Leviathan, Cecil. Do you not remember Leave telling you that?



...Well, I did not expect that to have been her journey.



: grown strong as a summoner. Time flows differently there, so I may have aged quite a bit.

So, Kim, not only were you swallowed by the legendary sea snake, but you went to the magic land of monsters and became buddies with everyone there?



When I say that I love this woman, you all understand why. You might not approve of it, but dammit, you'll understand it.



Bowser, she is the best, that's who she is.



Oh, yeah, plus, we blew up her fucking village at the beginning of the game.



Hey, guys, while fortune is shining upon all y'all, how about letting some of that shine over to the Powerball tickets I have?



She's just repaying you, Cecil. You saved her from certain death that night in Kaipo.



: Summons said to me...







ON our way out, things aren't over quite yet.



If you had thought he was really dead...



Cecil! Stab him in the fucking head with your sword!



Oh, God, fucking stab that shit right now! Stab it!



Instead, we'll just watch the creepy ass dead-hand crawl toward the Crystal.



And watch it slide its cold, dead fingers around the Crystal while we stand by slack jawed.





With that, it fades and we come back to the throne room.



I wonder how many times Cecil is going to be forgiven by the time we're done with this adventure.



In doing so, King Giott, may I recommend that you keep the Crystal, it's location, and any other pertinent information away from this group of chucklefucks.





Okay, so now, we have a goal; we've just got to cut Golbez off at the pass.



Don't give us the key, Giott. That's a bad place for important things to be.



"Four pounds of beef and cheese burritos, rolled up in Doritos."





Oh, okay. You just want us to go storm the base where he's keeping 7/8ths of the things he requires to go the the moon and hit up the power there.



I presume that we can fight past and it won't be shit.



I disagree; we'll crush whoever stands in our path.



This is a plan I can get behind. Do we get our own tanks?



Alright, so we have a short amount of time in which to do this.



I think we could take whatever they'll throw at us.



Let them wait, Kim. Let them wait to see our group, who will strike with the force of a hurricane.



Only a risk to those that we fight; we may end up drowning them in their own blood.



I got nothing for this one, but it's Leave, so there is going to be ass-kicking.



We must not waste it, then.





This scene ends here, which is okay. We've got a new member's stats to look at!





Kim's stats and gear, as of now. Soon, she'll get headgear swapped with Rosa, but that'll happen in a bit.



Anyways, there are spots we couldn't reach earlier. Let's hit those spots.



That room there is the infirmary; we won't need to visit that place for quite a long time.



This leads out of the castle, which we'll need to do eventually.



We may as well familiarize ourselves down here before we do the real run.





From these guys, head south and then to the right.



This man is a liar, too.



And there are 3 Cottages for free!



Back up top, we talk to this guy.



And find out that the Fat Chocobo is down here, too, so we can visit him whenever.



Up the stairs, we run into the weapon and armor shops.



This Lance is the best thing for Bowser; they sell Dwarf Axes, which our manly men can use, but they're inferior.



It's a nice boost to his attack power.



Over here, the girls get some upgrades, as does Leave.







Now she's all decked out as a proper mage should be.



That Intellect score is going to serve wonders for when I can blast things with her magic. Upon rejoining, Kim has access to the mid level elemental spells.





Up those stairs, we come to this new room.



And we find a free crummy Dwarf Axe. At this point, it's best used to raise some extra gil.



I couldn't find any treasures in this room, but up those stairs...



This looks stupidly complicated at first glance. It's not.



It's so easy, I won't even try and patronize you by telling you the solution.







This fuckin' thing goes straight on Leave.



It adds +5 to Strength, which Leave already has a ton of. He'll hit harder with this, and I think he even gets an extra attack with it equipped. Fuck yeah, Leave.



An Ether finishes off this treasure gathering section, so let's scoot.



Scoot all the way down to where we need to go to leave the castle.





Just one more of these rooms to go through.



I like it when we get automatic respect. Even though it's totally our fault their Crystal was stolen.



Remember this name, as he is one of the baddest motherfuckers in the entire game.



I like this plan, too.



And this guy points out the HP Healing pot.



Handy as ever, but now we're going to make our way to the big-ass tower.



Yeah, we're walking through, near the lava and magma and shit, like it ain't no thang.





We're almost to the quitting point.









We're almost there; we can see the tanks and explosions have been rocking the screen.





The fighting is fierce, yes, but we can make it.



I'm so confident we can make it, in fact, I'm going to drop a tent right in the middle of the battle field.

Peace out, bitches, we'll hit the tower when we wake up.

Next time, on Final Fantasy IV Advance, we'll be storming that tower. Stay tuned!