Part 25: Update Twenty Five: Babel Inferno

Update Twenty Five: Babel Inferno

Welcome back! Last time, on Final Fantasy IV, we entered the Tower of Babel with Goemon and met his parents, who had been warped into horrific monsters. Thankfully, we didn't have to fight them, as they came to their senses and wished the best to their son. Okay, we did "fight" them, but it wasn't a real fight, so thankfully, we didn't have to fight them as we do every other monster we encounter. Today, we're going to face Rubicante, the last of the Elemental Lords, so let's mosey.



Rubicante. Was he responsible for what happened to Goemon's parents?



No, he is not. Also, think about what that sentence means; Rubicante didn't know what had happened to Goemon's parents, but more imporantly, he is horrified that Lugae actually did that.



Goemon doesn't seem to realize that, however, but I can't blame him.



It may seem that Rubicante is just being a asshole, but he isn't. He's genuinely sorry for what happened.



This sentence, combined with a few other things, is why I think Rubicante is such a badass. Sure, he's a villain and an Elemental Lord, but he has honor. He actually respects our party, which none of the previous Lords did.

Rubicante wants to fight us on fair terms, as he recognizes our party. He is a villain that I can respect.



But, Goemon is too angry for all of that. Once again, I can't blame him, as if those were my parents, I don't know if I could have stayed composed as long as he has.



: But anger never bears true strength, and it blinds you from what you truly need to see.

Okay, this part is a little hokey in that Jedi philosophy way, but I still like it. He's basically telling Goemon, his enemy, "Hey, man, chill out; you'll never make it if you let anger control you."





Even though Rubicante just said that, Goemon does, in fact, benefit from being supremely pissed off.



Flood and Blitz are new Ninjutsu spells; Flood is water-based and Blitz is lightning based. They're fairly strong, too, so this is pretty bitchin'.



This is true, too. Don't use Ice against him when he has his cloak up.



Before the fight begins, though, we have a chance to swap gear around and heal up and all that. Were I intelligent, this is where I would have thrown the Ice Brand back on Cecil.



But, don't worry about healing up, as Rubicante is honorable enough to make sure you're in tip-top shape before you fight.





But, even more badassly, he restores all of your fucking MP. Rubicante is Goddamned awesome.



And now, the fight against the final Elemental Lord begins.





Rubicante begins the fight with his cloak closed, so don't go spamming Ice spells just yet.



Wait until he opens it, like so, before you go ahead and blast his genitals off with freezing cold.



Unfortunately, Goemon has no Ice weaponry, so he can't contribute as well through attacking as Bowser and Cecil can. I also didn't use Flood for a while in this fight, and I have no fucking idea why.



Rubicante has 34,000 HP to tear through, so it's a good thing Goemon has Cecil and crew to back him up.



He'll also counter attacks with Fira, which normally would be pretty fucking terrifying.



But, it's not. I don't even know why he has Fira, if that's all he can do with it.



Also, with their Ice weapons, Bowser and Cecil don't need to worry about whether or not the cloak is open or closed. It's going to rip up Rubicante's shit either way.



Oh, Lawd, those weapons are sweet.





Like I said, were I intelligent, Cecil would have had the Ice Brand equipped from the beginning. Thank God I can switch weapons in the middle of battle.



And getting him to close his cloak as fast as you can is very important, otherwise he'll start blasting people with Scorch.



You might remember this as the attack he used to smoke Goemon in their first fight.



It's still very strong and will fuck someone up. He never used it against Bowser or Cecil, though, so I don't know how well their Fire protection would help them.



Blizzara will get him to close his cloak.







Goemon makes an excellent item tosser, due to his speed.









Rosa is the only one that Rubicante manages to drop in this fight.



I remember when Hi-Potions were very useful; I miss that time.



With his cloak closed, Rubicante won't take as much damage from the Ice weapons, but he'll still take a fair amount of damage.





Do I need to do this on everyone?



No, not at all, as Rosa was the only one who really needed healing, but Curaga will restore around 3,000 HP to a single target, and she doesn't need twice her max health in healing.



In this form, Rubicante has some physicals he'll use, but the damage is pretty low.



And like I said, I like the Boomerang.



He opens his cloak again and immediately gets blasted for his trouble.



Oh, my God, Kim. I love you so much.



Bowser jumps off, as Jump is a straight up double damage attack, so he is going to fuck some shit up.





And I was going to use Flood right here, but Rubicante decided to go ahead and Scorch Rosa's face off instead.





So, instead of Flood, Goemon is going to toss a Phoenix Down on Rosa, while Bowser lands on Rubicante's ankle. Maybe he's trying to break his ankle?



...And that seems like a good start to breaking a bosses bones.



Oh, yeah, I also use an Elixir to heal Rosa. I know some of you are gasping in horror right now, but .



Since all Cecil is doing is just attacking, I cut out the middleman and have Rosa cast Berserk on him.



I also tried to predict when Rubicante would open his cloak and had Goemon use Flood.



That's not a good idea, as it turns out.



Hell, with that low amount of healing, it barely counts as a bad idea. It's interesting to note that his cloak absorbs both Ice and Water, as Flood is water elemental.



Someone was asking about the No Crit Bug that the Ogrekiller inflicts and if it was still present in this version, and it is not. At least, not the European version of Final Fantasy IV.



Now, if only his cloak was open...



And now that it is, let's use Flood!



Sweet Christ, I love their Ice weapons.





Flood is pretty fucking awesome against Rubicante.



Now, I was going to hit him with Shiva and show off the damage there, but...



Cecil's Berserked ass went and did it instead.



I also find it very fitting that Goemon gained a level after defeating Rubicante. It's just one of those things that seems right, y'know?



But, even though he has been beaten, Rubicante is not dead. He's simply going to run away, so he can live to koop another day.



Rubicante transforms into a fire and disappears.



: Mother. You can rest in peace now.

Isn't that great? Goemon has avenged his parents. It's too bad that we didn't get to kill Rubicante, though.





Eh? Who the hell is that?



Holy Christ, some Eblanese soldiers made it through the Tower of Babel.





Shit, man, you shoulda been here five minutes ago. We already stomped his ass into the dirt.



Gramps here actually looks around, like Rubicante is hidden somewhere in the room.





I like to think that this guy is secretly disappointed he didn't get to help.



"Helped"? Excuse me, motherfucker, we won that fight for you.



A kindred soul, Goemon; like you, he too, is a fucking moron.



Y'know, say that line out loud and you realize just how Goddamned dumb the plot of this game sounds.



Good question, Goemon!



But I'm sure it'll end up being extremely stupid!





We're, uh, working on that, Kim. Remember?



Welcome aboard. Some may hate you, Goemon, but I'm certainly a fan.



Gramps, you could argue that in working with Cecil and crew to fight the man who has gathered the Crystals and is trying to get to the moon, he is helping Eblan.



Or nobody will think of it that way.





Yeah, as long as you're not the only one alive.



Not a problem, Gramps. I'm glad you recognize that he kind of needs a babysitter, despite being the oldest person in this party.





And there are occasional moments where he isn't a twat.



He waves goodbye to all of them as they walk off.





Thankfully, they're right through that door.







Finally, something has gone right for us. Maybe we'll stop being such fuckups after this--





Oh, fuck me in the anus.



We fall quite a distance before landing. That looks like it mighta stung a bit.





Your initial reaction may have been to tell Goemon to quit whining, as you find him to be a pussy ass bitch, but c'mon, Bowser said it was nasty. And he's like, the air-master around here, so if he says it's a nasty fall, it's a nasty damn fall.





Anyways, we've now gotta get the hell out of here and report that we have fucked up again.



To the north was that Hi-Potion, so we've gotta head south.



And through this door, as there is nowhere else to go.



Seventh floor? Son of a bitch!



Goddamn fucking dungeon.



Goddamn fucking screwups in my party, can't do shit right.



Goddamn fucking Rubicante, being cooler than me and everyone knowing it.





The drop is a big part of why I'm not a huge fan of the Tower of Babel. It's boring to begin with, but just denying you the Crystals after getting so close to them is just such a big kick in the dick.



And I hope you're not curious as to what's to the right, because I totally forgot to go that way. I don't remember anything fabulous over there, so it can't have been that wonderful, but it just makes me feel like a bad LP'er to forget things like that.





Oh, well. This is the door out of here, so let's get this over with.



Say, doesn't this look familiar?



I'd dare to say that Cecil finds it familiar, as well.



Well, Goddamn, ain't that convenient?



Great idea, Goemon! The enemy sure as hell ain't using it!







Exactly, thank you.



With that, he scoots by the rest of the party.



And leaps onto the airship, ready to take it off their hands.



He takes the wheel and everyone follows him, on-board with this thieving plan.



Well, it very well could be, but--



Goemon apparently doesn't care, as he's trying to impress Kim.



And I'm fairly certain the amount of fucks that Kim gives about Goemon flirting with her is a solid zero.



Damn, Rosa, everyone is ignoring you.



I'm not a huge fan of the name Falcon.

Personally, I would have called it Desperado.



Raising your hand will not make it rise any faster, Goemon.



But, uh, the ground in front of the Tower of Babel is exploding. And from the smoke rises...



...The Falcon. Jesus, I just made that name even shittier.





We still can't cross the lava in it, but at least we have a better way of getting around.



Now, there's only one place we can go now.





We've gotta go and tell King Giott that we fucked up.



Again.



Before we do that, let's at least get rested up. Maybe if we're looking our best, he won't be so harsh on us.



But, that'll have to wait until next update, as we're done with this one.

Next time, on Final Fantasy IV, let's find out where the hell we're going next! Stay tuned!