Part 75: DS Dwarven Hospitality

DS Update 19: Dwarven Hospitality


Welcome back, folks. In today's update, we are not going to tackle the Tower of Babil.


We have some exploring to do first.


First of all, I didn't get a chance to show this properly last time. Here's our new and improved murderess! With a massive Intellect score and buckets of MP, Rydia is everything you could ever ask for in a magical nuke. Just point her at the nearest thing you want blown the fuck up!

Evidently, the Eidolons outfit their guests well, because Rydia is rocking some pretty nice stuff. She'll actually be set for awhile. The only thing I'd change is that Whip. Whips are nice for attacking, since they do full damage from the back row... but like Rosa, Rydia has much better things to do than attack. I'd rather get her something that boosts her Intellect or lets her cast spells.

She's good for now, though.




Anyway, today we're going to be spending our time exploring the Dwarven Castle. As you may recall from last update, much of the castle was closed off to us when we first arrived. Not so anymore! The castle is ours to explore/plunder as we see fit!


First off, this nice chunk of change tucked away next to the counter at the Inn. Is it the innkeeper's secret stash? Who knows? It's mine now!


These western stairs were blocked before. Let's see what wonders lie beyond.


The west tower, evidently.


There's nothing on this floor, so let's just head upstairs.


Take this treasure, then. May it aid you in your battles.

Treasure? Now we're talking, my good man! Where can I find this loot?


I don't see any treasure chests... Well, it must be around here somewhere!


Ah... Well, I guess his secret booze stash counts as treasure?


Maybe the good stuff's upstairs.


Jackpot!

These treasure chests are a bit tougher to get to then you would think.


The first one is easy. Just slip through the west wall.


Meh.


To get to the next one, head back into the wall and head north.


Then wrap around the outer wall,


down to the south,


and then west to claim your prize. I'll never turn my nose up at one of these.


Now, head back into the wall and head southeast.


Then slightly west.


The treasure is to the north. Ethers are always welcome. We still haven't seen anywhere that sells them, after all!


To get to the last chest, pop back into the wall again and hug the eastern wall around to the south.


Skirt around this room,


and pop in from the west. Ooh, this looks like new armor for Yang!


And so it is! It provides nice boosts to defense and evasion, as well as granting him 2 extra points to strength. Nice, very nice!


To get out of here, hug the wall again, and wrap around to the northeast.


You'll emerge just below the first treasure chest.

Then you can slip back through the east wall and out. I hope that wasn't too hard to follow...


Back to the first floor we go. We've cleaned out this tower.


Time to hit the east tower, methinks.


In we go.


Treasure spotted, right off the bat!


Oh, damn. And it's a nice one, too! Why was this lying out in the open?!


The Dwarven Axe is a damn fine (and expensive) piece of equipment. Getting a free one is a huge bonus!


Either one of our boys could use the offensive boost, but Kain won't suffer from the stat penalties as much.


So, I give it to him. Now he'll dive out of the sky and axe his foes in the face!


Well, we'll have difficulty topping that, but let's keep exploring anyway.


I will say this about King Giott. He at least knows how to keep his decoys/guinea pigs happy. He probably figures he can get his stuff off our corpses if we fail.


Of course, he doesn't know me very well. I don't mean to fail!


If you hug he southern wall, you can slip past these jars.

One of them contains-


more booze! Is it just a common thing to stash booze in earthenware jars?


Well, the west tower had more stuff on the third floor, so...


Just as I thought! These chests are much easier to get to, as well.


No convoluted secret passages to thread through. Just pop through each of the doorways.


Ooh, that looks like a nice thing.


I toss it on Kain, too. Might as well. A 5-point boost to strength is nothing to sneeze at. His Jump attack should do some pretty massive damage now!


Again, these are always welcome.


These are useful too.

We're done with the east tower. Back on the first floor,


there's another exit to the southeast.


It leads to the castle shops!




These guys echo the sentiments of that dwarf in the item shop who thought we couldn't figure out how to use their super advanced Hi-Potions.

It's still patently untrue. I think they're just racist.


Well, now's as good a time as any. Let's take a moment to outfit everyone.


These shops have some nice stuff for sale. It's well worth you while to check them out! We already have a Dwarven Axe, so that's 15,000 gil I can spend on something else!

I pick up some Blinding Arrows for Rosa, just in case.


There's also a fire-flavored lance for Kain, to match Cecil's Flame Sword. I decided against buying one, though.


Even more nice stuff is available at the armor shop. These Sage's Miters are new, but they're inferior to the Gold Hairpins the girls are already wearing.


These, however, these I want. I buy two.


Rune Armlets grant a +3 bonus to both Intellect and Spirit, making them perfect for our casters!

The Eidolons must have known this, because Rydia comes equipped with one!


They also grant a significant bonus to magic defense, so Yang gets one too!


Next, I know you've been waiting for this. It's time to give out some Augments!


Cecil gets this one. It's practically tailor-made for him!


I'll explain what it does in a bit. For now, I'll just give a hearty thank-you to King Giott for giving me such a fantastic Augment.


Next, as our magical murderess, I think it's only fitting that Rydia should inherit Palom's signature Augment!


It'll help her be even more murderous, oh yes it will!


So will this one.


It's absolutely worth burning a couple Augments on Tellah, just for this one alone! It's fantastic!

Let's equip them!


First, Draw Attacks on Cecil, in place of Cover.


That Augment will never leave Cecil, ever. What does it do? Well, Draw Attacks puts a gigantic "Hit me, please" sign, right on his forehead. It makes enemies beat on him like he's a giant piñata filled with delicious candy. This is good for several reasons. 1) Cecil's tanky as fuck. If anyone is going to be the party's meatshield, it ought to be him. 2) Counter. With enemies targeting Cecil, and only Cecil, that means he'll get a lot of Counterattacks. Remember I said Cover pairs really well with Counter? Well, Draw Attacks goes even better. Oh, and lastly 3) With this thing, as long as you keep Cecil healthy, the rest of the party is nigh-invincible. The only thing you have to worry about is full-party attacks and counterattacks... of which there are still a lot, many that will still fuck us up good.

A word of caution: Cecil might be tanky as fuck, but his HP will run out eventually, and faster than you think! Keep a close eye on his HP. Rosa should be on, not so much "healing duty," as "Cecil healing duty."


Rydia is next. We already know what Bluff does. It goes perfectly with her sky-high Intellect!


This one is new, and it rocks! Fast-talker cuts charging time for spells roughly in half! That means less time waiting, and more time murdering everything with Summons and powerful Black Magic spells! Unfortunately, it does not work on spells cast from items. Even with that, this Augment rocks the house and Rydia is never taking it off!

Whew. I'm feeling a bit light-headed from all that awesomeness. Let's finish exploring this place.


There's a semi-hidden door between the counters that looks like it's part of the background.


It leads to every dwarf's favorite place.


Ever'one'sh off fightin' and no one'sh drinkin'!


Sure, why not?


Polsy version

... Did he throw up at the end? Eew....


Looks like the barkeep made himself scarce. He'd better be getting a mop!


Oh, look who else is here. Those of you who never managed to get a Rainbow Pudding (like me), pay close attention. This will be new to you!


You must be pretty drunk if you're mistaking a woman for Cecil.

...Actually, never mind.

No? Well, good for you.


Oh, I do. Boy do I ever.

Well, when I got there, I found another man giving her a present of his own.


Aww gee. I'm sorry. Want me to get Kain? He could probably sympathize with you...


On the other hand...


Hey, shut up! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get one of those fucking Puddings?!


Fuck you! Sympathy's the last thing you need, you ingrate!


You need a sound asskicking, that's what!


Payback for that fucking Pudding! Fuck you, and fuck Rainbow Pudding!


... OK. I feel better now.


The party shakes -ingway down for all of 1 gil.


I'd forgotten about everything important in life! You can't win the game if you give up midway through a match! How could I have been so blind? Let me give you this for opening my eyes again.


Ah. Yes, yes that is an acceptable reward.


So long, -ingway! I guess all he needed was a little tough love. It made me feel better too!


We're not done here, though! There's something hidden here, something very special.


Looks like a solid wall?


Boom! Secret passage time.


What wonders await us? I can't wait to see!




Developer's Office? Oh! Is this like the Gamefreak room in Pokemon? I have a good feeling about this!


!


The name's Kango. I made the characters and monsters.

Ah. Well, nice to meet you, Kango! You've done a fine job.


Those who gaze upon the face beneath this helm are said to never leave again. But if you would still enter, I will not bar your way. Come, pass through the arch!
...


Yes, you did a fine job. Very convincing.

I think "Herrin der Nacht" is supposed to be German for "Man of the night," but it's not quite right. Man of the night would be "Herr der Nacht," plural "Herren der Nacht." Plus, I'm pretty sure that's a woman, so... vv


Well, pass through the arch we shall!


But you should never have come to this Developer's Office of Darkness! Lower your guard even for a moment and your soul will be consumed by the whirling chaos! Your very form will be lost to you!

Oh man, this sounds like serious shit. Suddenly I'm not so sure this was a good idea...

...


Asshole turned us into a pig! The nerve!

Aww, you poor thing. I can't leave you like that, can I?


I was just having some fun with you. Enjoy your quest!

Oh. I take back my harsh words. Most of them, anyway.

Anyway, let's head over-


Eh?


A random encounter? Here?!


Oh... Huh. This place is weird!


Ok now he's starting to creep me out!


Let's see what this guy's deal is.


What? Son of a bitch!

You cannot Scan any of the enemies here, so don't bother.






Nothing for it but to beat on him.




His defenses are pretty beefy, and I have no idea how much HP he has. "Quite a bit" is my best guess. It takes awhile to beat him down.


Fortunately, he doesn't attack much. Just chatters at you.


He does do this.


But all that does is make the battle take longer. Nothing to be concerned about.


Just keep beating oh him, and eventually you learn his identity!


And then he casts Stop.


On himself.


... Yep, this place is definitely weird.

I did take the opportunity to blast him with some of Rydia's summons. Here, take a look:


Polsy version


After beating him up some more, he finally gave up the ghost... and no EXP or money. Lame!


Mostly! Except for the parts where I don't get EXP. It's pretty good, though.


If you examine this bookcase,


The credits start rolling, the original credits, mind you. Sure enough, there's our buddy Takashi Tokita, who apparently is now undead.

You can exit the credits with the B button. I did so. We have better things to do right now. If anybody really wants to see them, I can record the rest.

For now, let's move on.


If you speak to this guy,


you get immediately thrust into a battle. He doesn't say a word to you. Rude!


Good to know. You're still rude!

Are you enjoying the battle system?! Let's try it out!

I don't like where this is going...


No, no. I don't like this. I don't like it at all!





OK, now that's just silly.

'


Oh, sure. Sure, whatever.


That isn't so friendly, though.


Goddammit that Chocobo hits hard!

Can we take him with us?


That's the dude who jumped us. I assume he designed the battle system.

I didn't get to see much more than that because,




I kind of got clobbered.


A lot.




Yeah.


That battle is absolutely unwinnable at this stage in the game. It might be possible to go back and beat them later. I'm not sure. I've never tried it!

Fortunately...


Losing in the Developer's Room does not result in a game over. It's just a minor nuisance.


"Want it, do you? Well, just try and find it!
-Nagahori"

How mysterious!


Sure! This ought to be good.

Well, that's too bad! I don't do that sort of thing. I'm just an assistant producer.

Aww. How disappointing.


Um...

I'll make any kind of movies you want- even feature-length ones!

I don't even know what to say to this. Moving on!


I travel the world in search of bugs.


A Debungginway who can find no bugs is no Debuggingway at all! I think I'll set out to make an honest living searching for summoning items instead.

Oh good luck with that. Good fucking luck!


I hope we can meet again someday!

Summoning items are another rare drop, 0.4%, or 1/250 drop rate. Like in other versions, they're used to teach Rydia extra summons. Considering the stupidly low drop rate, and the fact that they have to compete with the likes of Rydia's other summons, they're hardly worth it. I'll show them off anyway, later.


I do, actually. Not everyone agrees with me, but I like it just fine!


This is it, I tell ya! This game's jivin'!


It's so hot I can't take it! Thank goodness it's fall already!

Oookaaaay...


Oh hey, a Fat Chocobo!


I won't hold on to any extra items for you! Do it yourself! My job is marketing.

A reference to the Fat Chocobo's original function!


In the room to the north, we find some giant piggies!




I ate so much I can't fit through the door anymore. Looks like I'm stuck in the office forever.

And you don't seem too upset about that. Weird!


And now, the eastern door.




Ooh, music! I like music.


Huh?


"I wonder if I've been listing to too much of Mr. Uematsu's music?"

No such thing, my good man!


If you say so!


The music is amazing, and it's arranged perfectly! I'd like to arrange a lot of FF4 songs for the Black Mages to play.

I'll give him that. The music in this game is pretty damn good!


This, too. Don't remind me, you jerk! I don't have to worry about that yet.


Hmm, treasure? Don't mind if I do!


That's... not very much.


... Actually, I think I need that back.


Yeah, that's probably for the best.


Gah! I cast it on myself! Grr! don't think this is the end! Next time, I'll be the one laughing!

Excitable fellow, isn't he?


Next, we'll head down here.




Break Rooms usually contain good stuff! Let's have a look around.


Appearing in a Final Fantasy game... Now I can...


Square in-joke, I'm guessing?


Oh, a little boy!


Hey, you're pretty! Will you go out with me?

Aww, that's adorable.


Cheeky little bugger, aren't you?


Very cute.


Whoops, guess there's no fooling you. :-)


It may be a little tough here and there, but please keep fighting to the end!

Got better with practice, I see.


Oh, well how nice!

In the right-hand bookshelf,


I find something odd. What is this supposed to be? This game's version of "The Lusty Argonian Maid"?


Next, we'll talk to this Baigan lookalike.


Allow me to personally thank you for playing!

Oh. Well, you're welcome. It's been fun!


Wait, what? I didn't sign up for that!


SHOW ME YOUR WHYTKIN!

My what?

Oh. Oh! My What. Gotcha.


He'll beat on us mercilessly, regardless. Might as well give him what he wants.


You asked for it, buddy!

Actually, I haven't changed What.'s abilities since I first demo'd him back in Kaipo. This should be interesting!


First of all, he has Counter.




A Darkness-fueled Counter. Owie!


He does more damage to himself than we can manage, though!




It says a lot about Cecil's tankiness that he was able to survive that...




Unfortunately, Cecil's Counterattack is less than impressive.


There goes Yang...


Ah, and there goes Kain! He does the most damage to this guy, by far!


Unfortunately, that means he eats a Counterattack.


And there goes Cecil.

Now it's all up to What.!




... You know, considering that's only a basic Thunder spell, that's a pretty respectable hit!

See how the guy's bent over? He's weakening! It is possible to beat this guy here, thanks to how much damage he does to himself with Darkness. I've done it before.


Sadly,


I wasn't so lucky this time. Oh well!


Assuming there is a next time! Once I'm done with this place, I doubt I'll be back, as much as like it.




"Anyway, I hope you're enjoying the new English translation as much as I've enjoyed working on it!

This guy deserves mad props. Localization is a tough job; re-localization is even tougher, and often thankless! People are apt to whine endlessly about "butchering the original" and such things. Personally, I think he did a bang-up job!


Now, here's what you do with that "Lustful Lali-ho." Go back out into the main room and push A at the corner of the counter.


Your inventory pops up, like so. Select the "Lustful Lali-ho" and,


Ugh. Take it back, take it back!


And now there's one last thing left to do here.


Over here in the corner is a special spot.


Step on it, and you get jumped by this guy.


I don't know who "Ito" is, and he didn't introduce himself. Someone from Square, presumably.


Anyway, he won't attack you, so just beat on him.


Eventually, he starts talking.

I start with S and end with X. Between them, I've an E! What am I?

Ummm....

Defeat me, and you may have the answer!


More beatings later...

Hint: The E in the middle is but one of two!

Oh... not what I was thinking of, then.


After even more beatings...


N-no! What gave you that idea?

Yes, I knew you'd figure it out!


Ohhh. Boy do I feel embarrassed. Heh...

Gah ha ha!


And with that, he fades away. Goodbye, Ito, you crazy riddle master, you!


Oh, this guy actually drops money and EXP! Pinch me.


So, you may wonder if there's a point to all this. Well...


If we mosey over to the west side of the room, we find our answer.


Yes, yes there is a point.

The requirements for obtaining this Augment are as follows:

• Talk to everyone
  
• Open the treasure chest in the Music Room
  
• Defeat Ito in the Break Room
  
• Find the "Lustful Lali-ho" in the Break Room bookshelf and put it on the counter in the main room
  

Reach is another very useful Augment, but I'm not going to use it just yet.


With that, we're done here. Good bye, Developer's Room. Such a weird place. Fun, but definitely weird!


Next, we'll head out through the western corridor.


There's more stuff to find here.






Hmm. Never thought I'd find any of these down in the underworld!


Eh? Oh, you mean the Fat Chocobo!


The what?


Wait just a minute...




Sure looks like a normal Fat Chocobo to me!

Eh, I guess as long as I'm here...


A lot has happened since Kaipo.


We picked up some new characters. So, that means we can train What. some more.

We've already seen Rydia's and Rosa's training mini-games and we now have access to Cecil's and Kain's.


Here's Cecil's.


Goblins will rush you.


A lot of Goblins. Tap them with the stylus to defeat them.


If the Goblins reach Cecil, they'll hurt him.


If they reach Cecil twice, it's game over.


However, with some blatant cheating,


we achieve maximum score!


We get a prize, and What.'s strength improves.


Once again, in order to max it out, we must get the maximum score 3 times.




That's two!




And that's three!

And now 3 of What.'s stats are maxed.


Let's make that four!


The rules for Kain's mini-game.


Seems like this game is engineered to ruin touchscreens.


I can just imagine getting overzealous and scratching the shit out of it.


Anyway, when the timer runs out,


What. hops aboard,


and Kain launches himself into the air.


When he comes back down, he makes a little earthquake.


Er-hem...


That's better.


More prizes, and more What.'s stats going up. This time, his stamina improves.


Moving on...




Two.




Three, and maxed stamina. Yay.

The only stat we can't train yet is speed. We'll get to that eventually.

For now, let's have a look at our prizes:




Here's the Paladin Outfit.




And the Dragoon.

I decided the Dragoon looked more badass, so What. will be rocking that for awhile.

That's enough stupid shit for one day. Let's continue exploring.


This door lies just to the west of the Fat Chocobo's "dais."


Here's where it leads.




There's nothing for us to do here right now, but you should remember where it is for later!

OK, enough lollygagging. Let's actually go where we're supposed to go, for once!


You can find this fellow between the Fat Chocobo and the Infirmary.


He steps aside, giving us access to another door like the one that leads to the Lali-Ho Pub.


There are more goodies to find here, so let's go!


We'll be finding out more about that later. For now...


The other two chests contain Cottages as well. Nice!


He's not kidding. The monsters here are nasty. Underestimating them is the quickest way to Game Over Land. So, don't do that!


Heading farther down,


We reach this place, our final stop for today.


Aww, shucks. Thanks!


See this spot, where the floor looks different?


Well, toe the border between them and,


press A to get a super-hidden treasure!


Autarch comes from the Greek autarchia, meaning "self-rule." Between this and the Epopts, I guess old "Tom Retranslattery" is a fan of Greek philosophy.


This... is actually really good advice. If a battle is looking grim, run the fuck away! It's better than getting a game over!


Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint these guys.


Let's go!






Handy! With this right here, the Inn is even more of a ripoff!


And we're back outside!


I ran into one new enemy out here. They have 1,114 HP and no particular weakness. They're pretty fast, and they hit moderately hard. They're no threat whatsoever if you put Draw Attacks on Cecil, though.


I wouldn't have even bothered showing them yet, but I levelled up from that battle.


Kain still holds an axe like he would a spear. It's kind of funny!


But, anyway uh... that's it for today! Next time, we're taking on the Tower of Babil. It should be fun!