Part 92: DS Screw Anatomy! part 2

DS Update 34: Screw Anatomy! part 2

Hello, viewers! Got an action-packed update for you today. Let's dive right in!




We last left our heroes right outside the Boss Room in the Giant of Babil.


Stepping on the teleporter brings us... here. I have no idea which part of the body we're supposed to be in now. I lost track ages ago.


We've no time to think about that, because as soon as we climb these stairs we're transported to:

Cutscene Land!


Polsy version

Wow. Ok. That's the first time we've heard a few of the Elemental Archfiends speak.

Scarmiglione is voiced by Dameon Clarke He's done voice work in a lot of animated things, and is in a few crime shows. Notably (I think), he's the voice of Cell and Tambourine in Dragonball Z.

Cagnazzo shares a voice actor with Fusoya. I'll go more in-depth on him a bit later.

Kristy Pape, a.k.a. Karen Strassman is the voice of Barbariccia. (You may recall, she's also Rosa's voice actor. Recycling!) Most recently, she provided the voices of Anna and Olivia in Fire Emblem: Awakening.

(And I've already mentioned Rubicante)




Anyway, down to business. We have a boss rush on our hands!


First up is our old buddy Scarmy. With 25,000 HP, he's a lot tougher than he used to be, but so are we!

He's still weak to fire and curative magic, but not holy, strangely enough.


Edge starts us off with an opening volley.


So glad I bought all those Shurikens!


Oh, by the way, I mentioned this is a boss rush. That means we'll be facing all the Elemental Archfiends one after another without a break between them.

Daunting? Hardly. That just means our buffs will persist throughout all of them!


Your first order of business against all the archfiends should be to Slow them.


And then start buffing yourself. Scarmiglione here is the weakest of the archfiends, so you should take the opportunity to buff yourself to hell and back! Which I will be doing.


This is also a perfect time to have Fusoya set up Bless. It'll refill your MP throughout all four fights.


Rydia is going to busy herself nailing Scarmy's fire weakness.


To great effect!


And Rosa is going to make with the Haste.


Aided by Dualcast, of course!


And Fusoya will help.


Scarmy is already not too swift, and now he's Slow as shit. He finally gets a chance to attack, winding up for a big swing.


Ouch! Also Cecil is Blinded.




Blind is awful, as you may remember from the very beginning of the game. I'll need to get that off him ASAP, or he'll be all but useless!


I'll get to it in a minute. There's Hasting to do.


There. That's the whole party Hasted in a mere two rounds. Dualcast, you're the best.


Since our healers have better things to do at the moment, Cecil takes a more active roll in his own health.


Ehhh... not bad, I guess. It healed... most of the damage Scarmy did to him.


And thanks to Fusoya,


he's no longer blinded.


Rydia keeps immolating the bastard.


I'm liking the damage!


This, though,


this I'm not so fond of.


That's Sleep, Silence, and Blind on the whole party. Fuck you, Scarmy! You're an asshole.


Time to break out one of these, methinks!




Ah, well... that did... fucking nothing! Evidently I was wrong. Unicorn Horns don't act as a full-party Remedy. Fuck you, game!




Should have had him cast Esuna on himself.


Sadly, Esuna cannot be multi-targeted,




but at least with Dualcast, I can cure two people at once.




It's nice to have so many backup healers.




And that takes care of the last of the status ailments.


Fuck you, Scarmy!


Eat many pointy objects!


Er, and evidently that was enough to kill him.


Whatever, then! Cagnazzo is up next. He has the same 25,000 HP as Scarmy, and the same weaknesses to ice and lightning he's always had.


First order of business...


and heal everybody up, just in case.


And since we get to keep all our buffs, we can get right to raining the pain!


Hah! Oh, yeah. That happens too.


Never mind! Cecil's immune to that too.




Sharp objects to the face always work.


Oh... yeah. Guess who didn't forget that Slow can be multi-targeted?


That would be this asshole, right here. Ffffff-


Whatever. You're still weak to ice, jerkface!


How's that taste?


And have another.


Because why not?


I had Rosa do this earlier, before Cagnazzo Slowed everyone.


The MP recovery is nice, but it'll be awhile before I can speed everyone back up.


At least ol' 'Nazzy's already Slowed...




Oh, damn it. I have the worst timing!


This is not the situation you want to be in against someone like Babs!


Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Anyway, Barbariccia has (guess what?) 25,000 HP and she's still weak to holy.


Oh yeah.


And she can still do this.

And thanks to Kain getting infected with the Plot Virus, I have no way to change her back!


This displeases me.


A lot.


Which also means I've no way to stop her from doing this.


Remember this? It's the same attack the Behemoths had.


Does the same thing. And I'm still Slowed. Mother of fuck!




Oh, great. Good thing I didn't waste my Fuma Shuriken, then. I'd have been pissed!


Small blessing,


magic isn't affected by her sky-high evasion.


And that time I had the foresight to queue up a healing spell beforehand!


I'm significantly less worried now.


Babs can do this too.


Cecil still gives no fucks.


All right. Time to start digging ourselves out of this hole!


I Haste Rosa first. She needs more turns more than anyone else right now!


In the meantime, Rydia drops a Dragon Summon on her.

When we first fought Babs, as you recall, we didn't have very many holy elemental spells to throw at her, so her elemental weakness was pretty much useless. Not so now. Rosa and Fusoya have the Holy spell, and Rydia- of course, has Dragon. Dragon is more cost-effective than Bahamut in this case. It costs nearly a third as much MP, and it nearly hits the damage cap anyway!




Meanwhile Cecil and Edge continue to disappoint me.


Let's get this rape-train going again.


While Babs shows off another of her attacks. She's being annoyingly accommodating in that regard...




Doesn't hurt that much, though. Edge takes the worst hit from it, and it barely scratches the girls.


Rosa has the situation under control.




Seriously, she has this shit handled.


That's everyone Hasted again, except Fusoya. He can handle himself, though.


That's another Dragon. You go, Rydia!


There. That's the last lingering effects of that Slow spell wiped clean.




Babs keeps trying her best to dick us over, though.


And I am still unconcerned!


Rosa even finds the time to dish out a little damage of her own!




Wow! Rosa, that is damned impressive! Good job.


Annoyingly, Babs goes down right there.


Meaning I have a bunch of useless shit (well OK, at least not as useful) queued up against Rubicante.


First Cecil,


then Edge,


and finally Rydia.


You want to make each action count against Rubicante, because


he's pretty good at undoing your progress!




OK, good good. Anyway! Rubicante has the same HP as the other three, and he's still weak to ice* and water.

*only when his cloak is open, remember.


He still does this.


Which is why I stuck Steal back on Edge. (Monkey Steals the Peach, anyone?)


Cast Slow, blah blah blah.


And heal everybody up.


Rydia starts off by dropping a dragon on Rubicante's head.




But that only sets off Counter: Blizzara.


Eh...

By the way, the reason I'm having Cecil defend is that Rubicante will counter all physical attacks with Firaga, against the whole party. That can get real painful, real fast (as we saw in the Lair of the Father). Best not to tempt fate.


I forget why I did this.


I don't even know if Rubicante is vulnerable to Sap. I think I meant to cast Quake...


Thanks to Cecil defending, Rubicante's physical attack just bounces right off.


And Cecil can fight back with the Power of Love.


Rosa's on strict healing duty.


And Rydia switches to Summoning Titan. Titan doesn't incur Counter: Blizzara.

By the way, there is a trick you can do with Rubicante. Wait for him to open his mantle, and instead of Stealing right away, have Rydia drop a Blizzaga on him. With Fast Talker, she should be able to fire it off before he gets a chance to fling Inferno at you, and it'll do a lot of damage. Make sure you steal right afterwards, though!

It's risky, because if you don't time it right, not only will you end up healing him, you'll also eat an Inferno, which is never fun.


I elected not to take the risk and just beat him the normal way, but you can feel free to try it!


Victory is ours, with little trouble.
















Ah, that hasn't happened before! Last time we fought him, Rubicante teleported away. (Even though the party acted like we killed him.) Looks like this time he's gone for good!


We regain control at this weird teleporter looking thing, similar to the one we saw in the Tower of Babil.


Most likely! This is like, the culmination of his master plan, right?


Rydia makes a good point! Rubicante said he'd learned a thing or two from us, but note the archfiends still fought us one at a time, not as a group. I guess he didn't learn as much as he thought!


Uh, he's not trying again, Edge. He's dead.


Yep. Still sure you're up for this, old man?


Again, likely.


I take the opportunity to head back real quick.


So I can save, heal up,




And buy some more Shurikens. I don't want my supply to dwindle so low again!


Next, we head up the far set of stairs.


And we've reached the Gaint's Core! Again, which part of the body we're in now, I have no idea. The liver? Who knows!


Now, I'm sure you've seen this coming, but Fusoya will be leaving the party momentarily.


I'm sure I will shed a tear after his departure. One single tear.


At this point, I realized it's pointless to have Rosa still rocking a bow if she can't even attack anymore. I rectify this forthwith.

Sometimes I'm slow on the uptake, OK?!


Anyway, let's finish this thing!


The party gathers in front of the Core.


The screen turns red, and Fusoya informs us of the obvious.


Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious.


Fusoya is a goddamn liar. You'll see why in a bit.


The party strikes their battle poses,




and it's go time.


Say hello to the CPU. It's a giant, cocksucking asshole.


It consists of the Attack Node on the left, the Defense Node on the right, and the CPU in the middle. The Nodes have 12,000 HP each. Attack has no elemental weaknesses and resists earth; Defense also resists earth and absorbs every-fucking-thing else. The CPU is rocking 30,000 HP and a lightning weakness.


The CPU casts Reflect on itself before we can act, but that's not our main concern. This fucker is our main concern.


Contrary to what Fusoya said, and unlike previous versions of the game, you want to take out the Attack Node first.

Why? Two reasons.


One, the Defense Node refills a piddling amount of HP to the CPU in this version. Seriously, look at that. Literally anyone in our party could outdamage that with a single action! Yes, even Rosa. Don't forget, she has Holy now.


This is the other reason.




Looks pretty flashy, huh?


Yeah, well it also hits like a Mack truck loaded with lead bricks!

You take two of those, and it's Game Over. No. Fucking. Question.


We need to take this thing out like, yesterday!


That's a good start,


and Bahamut finishes it!


With the Attack Node gone, we can go about our business in peace.


Rosa starts healing us up.




While Cecil unloads on the CPU. Notice the damage? Yeah. This thing has absolutely massive defense. Magic is definitely the way to go.


Being Ramuh, of course. Yes, the Defense Node absorbs lightning and no, I don't give a shit.

Note: You do not want to take out both Nodes. Doing so would be a Big Mistake. The CPU will rip you to shreds if you do, and regenerate the Nodes for good measure. Just leave the Defense Node alone.


Seriously, it's not remotely a problem.


Rosa gets started undoing the damage done by the Attack Node during its short life.


There. Fusoya can stay dead for awhile. That'll teach the bastard to give me bad advice!


Rydia continues tearing into the CPU.


And Cecil... attacked it, I guess.


Let's see if Edge can do any better!


Surprisingly, yes!

In hindsight, I should have tossed a Fuma Shuriken or two at the asshole, but I forgot.




Continuing the assault.


And I guess I can revive Fusoya now...


Only because Rosa had nothing much better to do.


One last Ramuh and,


the CPU is down


But we still have to deal with the Defense Node. Meh. A minor formality.




Ironically, it doesn't have much defense to speak of.




Yeah. This won't take long.


Way to contribute absolutely nothing to this fight, Fusoya. I really appreciate it.


Now, remember that the Defense Node either absorbs or resists every element.


Yeah, well Flare gives zero shits about that!


Checkmate, motherfucker!


Good riddance!


Well, that wasn't so bad, and look at all that EXP we got!






Ugh. Just... get out of my sight.

And that's the last of the gameplay in this update. From here on out, there be Plot. Lots and lots of Plot. I hope you packed a snack!




Yep, good job, team. Now let's go home.


Eh?


Uh oh. This looks like trouble!


I take exception to global extinction. Just one of my hangups!

You... you're-!

Can you not speak, old man?



My true self...?

Awaken!




What's with the freaky lightshow, Fusoya?!


What the hell is even going on right now?

The screen flashes white, and we enter Cutscene Land!


Polsy version

Hmm wow. OK. Before we move on, Fusoya's voice is Michael McConnohie, who has been in a metric shit-ton of animated movies, TV shows, and video games. Oh, he also played Tatsu in the original Ninja Turtles movie! I remember that guy!

Now then, this is super important. The following scenes are completely new to the DS version! Pay very close attention!


The screen goes black, and we hear a baby crying.


We're in monochrome, which means Flashback Land.


It's Kluya! Cecil's father, remember?




Kluya nods.

Indeed- a gift from the gods.

Theodor...

Hmm?

We'll call him Theodor. It's a boy's name. It means a gift from the gods.

Theodor, and not Cecil?

Theodor... That's a fine name.


Kluya nods again. This game really likes nodding animations.

His life will be a blessed one.

Why do I have a feeling this won't end well?


We cut to a few years later. Little Theodor's grown quite a bit. But it seems something has disturbed his rest.


And we take control of him for a little while!


We can't do much besides move. Let's have a look around his house.


Looks like a cozy place! No idea what those piles of straw(?) are supposed to be, though.

(It's probably moonlight coming in through the windows, as RareAcument pointed out later. Thanks for clearing that up!)


There's another one in this room.


Seems to be mum and dad's room, and evidently they sleep in separate beds? Pfft, what is this? The 1950's? Please.

Anyway, let's have a chat with Theodor's mum.





He's still outside, most likely. Come now, back to bed with you!


We should probably do what our mother tells us, but we're not going to.


There's people to chat up outside.


We can even barge into people's houses!


Evidently, our neighbors have no problem unloading their troubles on a five-year-old child.


This place isn't very big at all. There are more houses down to the south, but we can't get past the shrubbery.


And invisible wall stops us here, too.


Again, who says stuff like this to a little kid? Are you trying to give him nightmares?!


No way to get in this house either.


No, you do, for expecting a toddler to know what the hell you're on about!


To the north, there's just a patch of flowers,


and dear ol' Dad, of course, standing by a pond.

I wonder where we're supposed to be? It looks a lot like Mist, but it's hard to tell without being able to see the whole town.


Anyway, Dad seems troubled. Let's chat him up.





You really like them, don't you? The moons.


I guess they do look pretty cool.

Why?

I'll explain it someday, when you're old enough to understand.

I'm old enough! I can even use magic already!



Well... not yet, but-


Then you've still some things to learn, haven't you? Come, it's late. You should be in bed.

All right...


Theodore's ready to obey this time. He heads home.


But not to bed.


Something doesn't feel right.


When he goes into his parent's room to wish his mother good night, he finds her collapsed on the floor!



Theodor helps her back into bed.



But your face is so pale!

That's because... I've been working very hard.

What do you mean?



Who?

Your little brother or sister.



Yes.


Aww. He looks so happy.


Ah, yes. As an eldest child, I'm well familiar with that form of motivation. Never worked too well on me...

All right. Good night!


And Theodor drifts off to sleep, no doubt to dream about his new baby sibling

But sadly, his life is about to take a turn for the worse.





Father!


Uh oh. This doesn't look good!


They... they used magic. Kluya did not even raise his arm in his own defense.




Notice how you can also see Kluya breathing as he's lying on the ground.

Was I... mistaken?


Surprisngly wise words, for one so young.


And with those words, Kluya stops breathing.

Father!




Way to be compassionate, lady!


Poor kid...


Aww, man. This is really sad.





The scene fades out,


and once again, we hear a baby crying.




This animation is reeeeaaaalllly slow in the game. The gif makes it look faster than it is.


The midwife has a point. If it requires that much effort for Cecilia to simply turn her head, maybe she should cool it!


I mean, childbirth is exhausting!


Oh dear. Why do I have a feeling she didn't just fall asleep?



Mother!


And just like that, poor Theodor is an orphan.


Jeez, lady, you have got to be the least compassionate person in this whole damn game! First of all, you don't say shit like that in front of a kid, especially a kid who just watched his mother die! Second, it's not like she had much of choice, is it? Birth control wasn't A Thing back then, much less abortion! What was she supposed to do?! Thirdly, this child is all she has left of her recently dead husband (plus Theodor, of course). It's natural she'd want to keep it!


The newborn starts crying again. He doesn't realize he's an orphan now, too.


We cut to Theodor, some time later, staring forlornly out the window.


He walks over and gazes at his sleeping baby brother.









Who-who's there!?


OK, the mother, I'll grant you. Dying during childbirth was depressingly common back in the day, but Kluya?! What'd the kid have to do with that?


Damn right it is! Don't listen to this voice, Theodor! It's lying!






Zounds!


The scene changes to two soldiers by the roadside, we hear a baby's cry in the background.




Understandably perturbed, they run over to investigate.




Eh?


Oh, hey! It's the King of Baron! (Pre-murder-and-posession by Cagnazzo, that is.)



The poor child...





Cecilia...






This child's features... They remind me very much of a person forced from Baron because of my cowardice.


And then the scene fades back to monochrome, indicating the end of the flashback.

This scene fills in several blanks. First, Golbez was originally named Theodor. Two, Cecil is named after his mother. Exactly, coincidentally. The King named him that because the baby reminded him of a woman who was banished from Baron. That also comes to the third thing. The King took Cecil in out of guilt for how he treated Cecil's mother, using him as sort of a proxy to assuage his guilt.

Very interesting!


Golbez helpfully reiterates what we just saw, for the benefit of our party (who, naturally, didn't see it).

The other villagers cared for us at first- the people our father had blessed with lunar secrets.


I blamed you, telling myself our mother would have lived were it not for you. I took you, still an infant, to the forest at the edge of Baron and left you there.

And after that, we're transported right back to Cutscene Land:


Polsy


We return to Cecil and company. Cecil is, understandably deeply unsettled by all the Plot that just got vomited on us.


And the game's not done yet! The screen begins to shake. That's never a good sign...


No shit, Sherlock.

Cecil!

...

And Cecil's clearly not quite ready to deal with this just now!

We need to get out of here!


Good point. It is... rather a long walk back. I doubt we have enough time!


More mysterious voices! Who could it be this time?


Oh, it's that guy!




Edge is clearly having none of this shit.


Kain runs closer.

We can talk later! But if you want to live, you'd best follow me now!

Hey, that line sounds very familiar...


Rosa takes the lead. She knows Kain's right.

Quickly!


And the party files out behind her.

And guess what? More cutscene time!


Polsy version

After that scene,


we're back to monochrome. This is another scene new to the DS version! Let's have a look.






Ah, this must be how Kain and Cecil met!

My father is Sir Richard Highwind, the commander of the Dragoons.

Pleased to meet you.

Looks like they're getting along, too.


Never mind what I just said...


We'll see who the snot-nosed little brat is around here, mister!


Pot, meet kettle.

I'm not spoiled!


Uh oh. Looks like it's going to come to blows! Don't fight, you two! You're supposed to be friends!




Ah, just who we need!



But, he's the one who-



Hmph! I know that!



You're an honest one, aren't you?

See? It wasn't my fault!

Hee hee... I guess it wasn't.


And, fade out...

Back to Cutscene Land!


Polsy version


After that, we are (very briefly) given control of our characters on the Lunar Whale.


And I'm not accepting this! Damn it, Cecil! You go after those ladies right now and apologize for being a sexist pig! We need Rosa to keep our asses alive, and we need Rydia to make everything else not... alive!

But alas, no. You're lucky Rosa didn't slap you or worse! And same goes for you, Edge! You shouldn't talk down to a woman who can Summon not one, but multiple dragons! It would serve you right if you wound up tumbling down Bahamut's gullet!


Anyway, we approach the Crystal.


The Lunar Whale lifts off,




and we touch down on the moon. Perfect...

But we're not quite done with the cutscenes yet!


Polsy version

All right! That's more fucking like it!

Now we have our final party of five! Let's hear their thoughts:


Cecil is still shaken up about the whole "my arch enemy is my brother" thing.


And what about you Rydia?! That man is responsible for the murder of pretty much everything you knew, including your mother! Sure, he was being mind controlled, but how are you so quick to forgive him?!


Same goes for you, buddy! Golbez is the reason you have no parents!




And you two have nothing interesting to say!

Oh, please note. At this point in the GBA version, Namingway showed up to inform you that you could switch party members at the Tower of Prayer, if you so wished.

We don't get to do that. Ever. In the DS version, you can never choose your own party. It's Cecil, Kain, Rosa, Rydia, and Edge 4lyfe, baby!

Honestly, it's the only major mark the DS version has against it. And it's a big fucking mark! Why take out that feature?!


OK. I'm done ranting about that. Let's get everybody healed up.


And check out our party.


Edge, your days in the front row are officially over. Get in the back row where you belong!


And here's Kain. He's level 59 (which means Edge no longer has to suffer the shame of being the lowest level party member), and he comes with some really nice stuff! That's a whole extra set of Genji gear!

Plus, he seems to have somehow ended up with Odin's lance (as in the Norse god Odin). Eh, I'm sure he won't miss it!


He just needs one of these, and he's all set!


And finally we are done for today! That was quite a ride, wasn't it?

Next time, we're going to start preparing for the Final Dungeon! I'll see you then.