Part 10: 'O Wau Ko'u Inoa

'O Wau Ko'u Inoa

So here we are, brigtening your Monday with



... Well, that was one hell of an orgasm.

Huihui walks over to check on Makakao and...








However, something interrupts our little nap:

"Fuck, it's that asshole neighbor who spent his family's entire life savings on that sub woofer and listens to Mexican R&B at 160db all day"

"Yeah that's it, I'm getting the cops and sending him back to his own country"



"... Waaaaaait a second"


"that's not a sombrero"








The Mithril Dagger is pretty useful. The Steal formula in this game is something like "(Level + Spirit) - Enemy Level = Success/100"; if it passes this check, then it rolls for the slot you will be stealing from (Common / Uncommon / Rare / Very Rare).

The Mithril Dagger gives us access to the Bandit passive ability, which circumvents this check and automatically makes every Steal attempt hit, leaving the success up to whether or not you steal from a slot with an item in it, which will almost certainly be 100% on your first Steal against any enemy.


We manage to strip the enemies of their items


and conveniently hit Trance a couple of turns later.


NOW we can use Tidal Flame.


It's rather nice, killing Black Waltz No. 1 in a single hit. If you don't do this, and try to kill Sealion first, he'll just cast Blizzard on his friend to heal it.


One Trance skill later and Sealion follows suit.




Kilika just does not give a fuck about this cryptic message.




"It was no big deal."


"Yes. Yes, I did. I touched her face with my boot. Really hard"


"so glad she doesn't have a mirror right now"


Like I said, Bandit.


Now, I've hiked miles and miles and gone along perilous mountain passes with swirling winds and shit before, but I've never hiked through a cave. Seeing sunlight at the opposite end must be very relieving.


last time i checked a cave made of icicles wasn't made of mist, lady






This particular exchange seems like a little burp in the quality of the translation.

"I might've been before"
"Perhaps you've been there before"


"You're a princess! You can't just go rushing in there.
People are looking for you. You need a new identity."







"... And I do see Kilika's point. I need a new name..."






"I've decided! From now on, my name is..."




"That's a horrible name. Who would believe that a bunch of Hawaiians would let a white person hang around them?"


"Ke Ali'i. You want us to call you, 'your majesty.' In Hawaiian. Are you fucking retarded?"




"You really have no idea what we're trying for here, do you. You know what, it sounds close enough to three different Hawaiian words to be passable. Fuck it, let's just go."




All right, back on the world map. Now, we're gonna visit that place on the left there, but first, let's discuss a little trick.

In FF9, there are script "friendly monster" encounters that you can run into on the world map, and encountering them all gives you some nice rewards. The problem is, the chance that you'll run into one is ridiculously slim. There is, however, a little trick, and it's easiest to execute in a forest. If you inch forward such that you don't make a movement trail behind you while moving through a forest, it manipulates the RNG in such a way that it creates a condition conducive to encountering these friendly monsters.

It sounds like the kind of thing your friends told you about in elementary school, but it fucking works. Don't believe me? I walked around to run my encounter counter up. I saved state once I figured it was close to giving me a fight. When I was moving continuously, I ran into some spiders. When I loaded the state and inched forward, I ran into


this asshole.

The Ragtime Mouse (a mistranslation of Ragtime Mouth, considering that it looks nothing like a mouse but its head is most certainly comprised solely of a gigantic mouth) is one such friendly monster, but he appears in all forests in the game. You can encounter him seventeen times: the first sixteen, he'll ask you a trivia question, and he might give you a Protect Ring the seventeenth if you got all of his questions correct.

Now, you might be thinking, "Holy shit, a Protect Ring on the first disc? Teaches Auto-Protect and halves all elemental damage? Hook me up!" Alas, it does not work this way. You have access to seven questions on disc 1, five unlock on the second disc, and the last four open up on the third disc.


"South Gate. O: True X: False"

Now I've got to say that this is a pretty memorable thing to run into in a random battle RPG. I still remember the first time I ran into this asshole pretty perfectly. Now, I was one of those kids who would wake up really early to play video games on the weekends. This particular weekend, my parents were off-island attending an Elton John concert, so that meant I got to play this on the BIG TELEVISION, and not the little tiny one I had in my room that only had video inputs. I was up early anyway, just getting out of the Evil Forest, and I run into the woods and what should happen but I get this weird happy song. At, like, four thirty in the morning. On a HUGE (probably not even 20") TELEVISION.

I was like, "hooooooooly shit" and it basically set the mood as far as what strange things I figured I could expect from the rest of the game. Then I got the answer wrong and turned the system off to play Harvest Moon 64.


However, with the power of the Internet at our fingertips today, I got the answer right. Notice that he's asking a question about places we haven't even been to yet. Dick move, FF9, dick move.

Now let's go check out that arch we saw earlier.

This is the Dali-side South Gate. You can see the town's name on the top of the gate if you look closely.


"You gotta have a Gate Pass to pass through here."

If you ask to take a break, he calls this little old lady:

You can buy general store-level healing items from her, and even stay at an inn for much less than the price of a Tent.

If you shoot the shit with the guard, he talks to you about how they check every person and airship coming through South Gate. as though you can check airships at this rundown thing


Anyway, once in a while, you'll see an airship fly past you while you're high up enough to see it. I was trying to get a screenshot of it when


we run into this greedy asshole.


Just use an Ore on him. I hope you've stolen or found some by now, otherwise you're just shit outta luck.


That's it? You ungrateful asshole.


Well, I guess 10 AP is nothing to moan and groan about.

Now let's head over to that village we saw.


Oh, what's this?


Well, it would certainly be a beautiful place to live.


Just a real chill old man living here.


"My friend used to have one, too, but I bet he lost it in the incident..."


"I want to try Burman, Kirman, and Moccha coffee."


That chalkboard-looking thing on the wall has some reading material on it as well.

I do like the little touch that they added saying that he doesn't get shipments on the Sabbath.


If you go up to the top of that mountain, you can see that the flag is red. No emergency.


Now let's go to the town.




"Are you short and blind? You can see it plain as day from right here"
""




"it was a minority"



NEXT TIME: We decide what to do next