Part 25: Depressing Anecdote

Stephanie Meyer and Ulilililililililia also want their, uh, works to be taken seriously. Obviously, this is not the case, and yes, FFXII is about on par with the Twilight series, or The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters, and people who enjoy it in a pretentious sense should be regarded appropriately.






weed is not supposed to do thiiiiiiiiiiiiis




Clearly, we are intellectual equals.






yaaaaaay


magician robe sucks but w/e


"Choco is dead"




You know why I love mage characters? Because their library of skills is so extensive and it's just a psychologically impressive thing.

Okay now we have to go back through Gizamaluke's Grotto.

Of course we must respect

fuck that we lift a Gizamaluke's Bell off this asshole


And now we can go to Burmecia.


"You lazy rat, I'd swear that thing on your head was a sombrero if I didn't know any better"


"No puedo creer que estoy aquí"

(no i'm not sorry if that is completely wrong and the only languages i speak are standard american english, hawaiian-hawaiian creole english, hawaiian, and hawaii-japanese, which is close enough to normal japanese to get it better than what you get learning in most continental u.s. schools but it amounts to what is essentially a breakoff dialect so the understanding is not necessarily going to be mutual, which is why i do not speak to japan-japanese people, though it was fun blowing tourists' minds with my patois once upon a time)


Not even Makakao can believe we're wasting our time in this rainy shithole.




nothing, by the look of things


hello there what do we have here


Ohhhhhh no!


uh oh looks like The Cancer got this guy too








I, KILIKA, SHALL KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN


We also run into these assholes.


They teach Magic Hammer--a cool, if not completely useless, spell, because when caster bosses run out of MP, they usually have a para-magic alternative that costs no MP--and have obscenely low HP, so pretty much the only way to kill them is to have 'Iole at a very specific level (14) or hit them a couple times with Makakao and pray. Or have Matra Magic, which I don't.


The other problem is that they steal stuff and run away, making it a touch decision between killing them quickly or killing them precisely to learn the Blue Magic.

So we go into the building and start rummaging around the treasure boxes when

oh it's a mimic

Unlike in most other RPGs, Mimic Boxes only appear in Burmecia, and don't guard any special treasures. They just suck.


There is also a treasure box up here that contains a Germinas Boots. It is very difficult to get because you will almost certainly be running around everywhere, and you must walk across this hallway to get it. If you run,




the floor falls through and you can no longer get that treasure. Ever. This is what most people call A Dick Move, but honestly, it's just one treasure that you can get elsewhere, so it's probably less of one of those and more of a silly puzzle.






BLAAAARRRRRGHHHHH


You know what I like to do when I go out on a balcony?


i like to jump over to the next one over what the fuck kilika




"found erotic magazine"


oh, we found some protection. well i was close




Now that we have the bell, we can open this door that I conveniently forgot to show earlier. I could've sworn I got a screenshot of it where I didn't have the bell and Kilika was all "well there's no kicking this door down" but in the end, I didn't.




"It must be in ruins, just like everything else. I can't bear to see it like that..."
"Oh grow a pair"


"I'd say something about him having bigger balls than you but I dunno if his model of Black Mage doll is anatomically correct or not"






suddenly this asshole shows up




hey now there's no need for that sort of pejorative, it reminds him that the government still owes him forty acres and a mule




"Moping, mostly"




"Dan wait stop you should leave your kids they clearly have The Downs"

actually i have a really depressing story about that

See, writing a lot of picture book manuscripts myself, obviously I am a voracious reader, particularly of young children's literature. While this might look strange when I'm at a library or a bookstore or whatever, whatev'.

Anyway, I once saw a book with a very particular drawing on the cover: We'll Paint the Octopus Red. Now, most illustrators, while obviously very good at their craft, have an off day, like the best of us. I absentmindedly thought to myself, "Damn, that kid looks like he has The Syndrome, who the fuck was in charge of this project? Woodbine House? Who the fuck are they? No wonder they aren't keeping their illustrators in check"

AS IT TURNS OUT IT'S ONE OF THOSE BOOKS ABOUT NORMAL KIDS ADJUSTING TO HAVING A DOWN SYNDROME SIBLING and i felt really, really bad


"Dan I thought you were getting the fuck out of here? As I recall, you were like waaaaay in front of the rest of your family"


"Yes but I must tell you this very important piece of information"

NEXT TIME

FUCK YEAH