Part 53: Fat People

We haven't addressed these quote title cards that pop up at around the same time a demo would pop up in a platformer or beat-em-up.





oh actually read on













So these are all taken from the instruction manual. However--with the POSSIBLE exception of Huihui's caption, which he could very easily have actually said-- these aren't quotes; they are more indicative of each character's motivations or dilemmas.

While it's mentioned that he won't just ignore people in deep shit, Kilika doesn't ever actually say "you don't need a reason to help people." Just like how Makakao never actually says something about "not really existing (sorry naysayers, but to be honest it's juvenile, annoying, and just plain old poor argument construction when you cite this not-a-quote as your sole evidence for him being a Petty Pretentious Preteen)." And Makie definitely doesn't say "I don't wanna be alone anymore"; it's her number-one dilemma, but for one it just doesn't happen, and for another--if you consider how surprisingly consistent the characterizations are for a video game--it just doesn't fit with her outwardly-indignant character at all.

AND NOW

DISC 3


"No shit"


"But I will be by your side. Please take the throne with full confidence."
"Why am I surrounded by old men who make these unintentional but nevertheless dirty-sounding remarks"



•••








"I heard you started a mini-theater."


"Cool! Let's go watch!"


"OH YEAH SURE MAKE MORE IMPOTENCY JOKES AT ME RIGHT NOW"






"Short as ever, I see"


"How about you? What have you been doing since we left the castle?"


"All three of them at once!?"


"Wow! Teach me to be as awesome as you, Uncle Blank!"
"Yeah, sure, some other time."








"Lots of masturbation"


"O-Of course I have!
You sent out 3."


Artemecion and Stiltzkin have since become inter-universal moogles in the Final Fantasy games. They appear wherever, whenever. Stiltzkin, I can sort of understand, but Artemecion, considering all he does is touch himself all day and not do his job, I will never know why.

Why, it's like if Goons became a famous Final Fantasy character.





"But think about it... He's never been in a serious relationship before.
He probably doesn't even know what to do with himself right now..."
"Come on, he's in love with a queen. Did he think it'd work out?"
"I'm sure he thought about that a lot.
This is gonna make him stronger. You'll see."


"whenever she addressed her citizens i could fantasize about squeezing her sickly-azure rolls of fat in my hands like a masseuse and imagine sucking on her sausage-fingers"




Oh we also visit the Synthesist. The Black Belt is nothing special, but it teaches Demi.

It raises your Wind-elemental attacks, but the only character who can actually benefit from this is Iz, and the only spell that it affects does largely random damage anyway. No, seriously. It targets all enemies at once and, when fighting groups of the same enemy, it'll do 9999 to one and 50 to another.




"Sorry, gotta do some stuff first"


"Gotta talk to my crazy cat lady friend"


"And I gotta visit my crazy cat friend too"





"Also prove some guy in this thread from waaaaaaaay back in the beginning wrong by getting these cards up here."












I have to do this for my dad a lot.

"No don't touch that, keep your hands to yourself"
"Look read this thing here it says don't shake that ball. It's not a snowglobe, it's one of those self-contained environments
oh fucking fuck now everything in it is dead"
"Stop that you don't need to look at that SPECIFIC display sample, it's in the middle of the entire stack and--FUCK"

... Actually, when I was in California and I'd be out buying stuff with my girlfriend, she'd say the same things.

"I don't care how classy or cultured you are, you aren't very white-looking so you have to keep your hands clearly where the cashiers can see them or they'll give me trouble over you"
"Look, don't crease the binding like that unless you're gonna buy it"
"Yes, it's a dragon, and it's a doll, and maybe it's even very cuddly. It's also display-merchandise in the children's literature section do you know how many other people have touched it, I'm certainly not going to now put that back"

it must be genetic

Incidentally yes "out buying stuff with my girlfriend" was usually at a bookstore, I guess I kinda lucked out on that.


you know what my least favorite thing is

--and like i fucking hate it because the office is the most awkward show i've even seen, it's like watching an HOUR of those dumb fuck Progressive Insurance commercials--

is "that's what she said" "jokes"

it's not even like i get 'em pulled on me very much, thank god the company i keep is generally of the same mind, it's just so fucking annoying when people in earshot shout "OHTHAT'SWHATSHESAID" as fast and as loud as they can when one of their bros slips up and it's like uuuuuuuuuugh shut uuuuuuuup






when asked by little toasted midgets with sharpened cannibal teeth and wild grins wearing kkk-themed chef hats whether or not you're hungry


the wise young adventurer NEVER says "yes"


sometimes, you will be lucky like this. other times, not so.

what happens at other times is too horrible to put into print. my publisher would laugh me right out of the business.


Also, this is the mini-game that was just mentioned. It has nothing to do with Quintuple Pentad or whatever.

But rest assured that even though I fucking hate that jump rope minigame and won't be doing that, I have a special surprise for all you bitches and your card game bullshit. Much later.


"No way lady I don't play with fat kids"




So Hippaul's mother gives you some cards for beating her son.




You get them every ten levels, and he increases in level based on how far of a margin you beat him to the finish line by.




It starts out very easy, and you'll be getting five-plus levels on him every race. And then you get here.


Your thumbs will curse the fuck out of you.


I won by like

one frame of animation








Note that this is the only time that you can actually get it. After these next few scenes, you are permanently locked out of this minigame.

NEXT TIME

when a dragon falls in love it is for real and it is forever

(this is from an actual back-of-the-book summary)