Part 57: Young Adventurers' Guide Vol. 2

To be fair, it's not just mainland tourists. I don't care if they're Japanese tourists, or Chinese tourists, or Korean tourists, or German, or British, or French, or Canadian, or Mexian; bad tourists are bad tourists. That isn't to say that there aren't good ones, because I know a few personally, but there is definitely a negative disparity between the two.

Citrus, I think. But it could definitely be caffeine, I never met the Coqui Frog People myself.

Once, many years ago, some YouTube LPer came around and registered and posted a series very unfunny, unironically racist videos of Mario Party 1. Slowbeef issued him a Mod Challenge in which he had to say something good about black people, specifically citing where the LPer said something about Wario's niggerlips.

But I am a better man, so I will take the initiative and, before the situation escalates, say something good about white people.

White women are the most beautiful women I've ever met. If they are not trying to get with you to get a ticket to Hawaii, and if they are sensitive enough about culture to take their shoes off when you invite them to your humble abode, I have found that they are very gentle creatures. And they are absolutely wild in the sack.

If you remember the last time we met--perhaps you do, perhaps not, you can never tell with children these days; no literacy, no education, no manners, no TASTE (by which I do not mean like ham)--we were in the middle of meeting some very large rats.

We ought to have nicked one of their tails when we had the chance, because this one ran us the better part of twenty thousand gil. Always, always take the opportunity to get your hands on something for free, because you can never be sure when it will save you tens of thousands of dollars in the long run.

If this means hacking off the forearm of a socialite for his diamond-studded wristwatch, so be it. He probably deserves it anyway.


For the precocious reader who will invariably take this opportunity to make some toilet humor, allow me to pre-empt you and clarify that no, this is not the sort of dark matter you found yourself in the last time your father punished you by making you take a dip in the septic tank.






When visiting your friends at their Chinese grandfathers' homes (this will invariably be his family's home as well--and by family, I mean his ENTIRE family, which is why they somehow manage to park twenty cars into a one-and-a-half car garage), go out of your way to insult the décor. If you are in the mood for some extra fun, be sure to declare, in a very loud voice, that it looks like an opium addict did the place up himself.




With any luck, his grandfather actually WILL have been, in his youth, a drug-addled opium whore.




If you come to learn that your friend is adopted--this will be especially evident if your comrade's relatives are all Chinese, but he is white-- make sure to remind him of this on a daily basis until he is no longer your friend.

However, if you are in some ridiculous country like Hawaii, you ought not to, because he probably IS actually related to them even though he doesn't look Chinese at all. If you continue to prattle on about his adoption, his biological brother who happens to be from the same mother and father, and who will in fact look both very Chinese and very much like he could tear a gorilla's head off with his bare hands, will probably cast you into the Ala Wai canal. And that is never fun.




Very rarely, children will be adopted for the sole purpose of being lunch.


If you come to suspect that this is the case with your friend, be sure never to say a word.


When you can climb a cliff and have night fall, then jump to the bottom and instantly have the sun at high noon, and repeat this process reliably, you know you've done something terribly, terribly wrong. If this should ever happen to you, dear adventurer, you should probably check yourself into a clinic.


At any rate, our intrepid hero Kilika has Important Business to attend to involving these coffee beans we've been collecting.


Our mission has nothing to do with this vista here, but as an aside, if there is but one thing you take away from this book, let it be that you ought to cause as much trouble for as many people as you possibly can before they catch you and crucify you on a construction crane.

The next-most important thing is to remember that the adventure isn't about the beginning and the end, but all the places you've been to in between. Most people tend to forget this one, but in their defense, when your idea of adventures consists of Final Fantasy 13, or when "everything in between" consists solely of mucking around in dismally dank dungeons for hours on end, it can make this one especially easy to forget.


The third most important thing is to never prance around naked with a double-bladed sword.




It will seem like a fantastic idea right up until the officer arrests you for public indecency.


If a pharmacy manager ever asks you to look after his or her store for a week, take it, unless you are asked your name.

Then take the pharmacy. No, you nincompoop, not the BUILDING, just everything inside it. I hear a Vicodin-Prescription Strength Laxative-Ipecac cocktail is very popular these days. Dole it out to your friends as an exciting party favour.


This is an example of a boy who needs a dose of the aforementioned concoction.


If he'd had some, he would be too busy vomiting, shitting, and tripping balls all at once to tell us not to go rummaging through his father's things.




However, it will not be the sort of trip that will let you see talking cats. I'm afraid you'll need to look into fungi for that, and the only fungus you'll get from your pharmaceutical quest is penicillin, and even that is just a derivative.










The best place to find the best coffee is always going to be under a receptacle of some sort. Try the neighbor's trash bin if you're feeling risky.






You may find yourself on many grand adventures in your lifetime, but by far the most rewarding ones involve making old people happy.


You never know when they'll decide to write you into the will.


However, if it comes down to being between cutting your losses when you have too much competition for that will, and swallowing your pride among other things besides, I would very much suggest you let him stay someone else's sugar daddy.


You might find a lover on your adventure. Be sure to consider how many adventures she's been on herself, because you might be getting filthy fourths, or even tainted tenths.

That is, of course, just a very fancy way of saying syphilis.


Always beware of city people.

You, young adventurer, are a city person as well. Suburbs are merely a kind of city for disenfranchised white people who want to pretend that they're wealthy.


City people have very suspicious fetishes.


If you are so young to be reading this adventurer's manual without knowing what a fetish is, just know that I am not talking about the religious object. But keep the word in mind the next time you see your diapered father chained to the bed while your mother, in a cat wolf fox dragon costume, assaults him with a whip as she refers to him by her brother's name--that would be your uncle on her side.


Yes, little girl, city people have LOTS of problems. But not problems in the sense that you're thinking of, no; these problems are solved with brain medication.


A word to the wise: if you ever see a suspicious man with an open-cut vest, you should probably run.


He is the kind of man your mother always warned you about.




Unless you happen to like it when daddy locks you in the basement for a week straight because you were talking while he was watching American Idol, you should try your very best to avoid this sort of man, because he will lock you in a basement FOREVER.

If you do like it when daddy throws you in the basement and forgets about you for days at a time, you clearly have deeper issues to work through.






If you happen to have a grotesquely overweight friend who is inexplicably named after Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, you should invite him or her along for your adventure. Fat people are repulsive, so strangers will never bother you.






The best part, unlike this strange man here seems to believe, is that you don't even need to pay a morbidly obese person to come along. They will be so delighted to have some form of social interaction that they will follow you around like a sad puppy to the edge of the earth. And if they have sufficiently annoyed once you have arrived at that point, you can push them off.








And now, failing all other options for acquisition, we must simply buy the Dark Matter.


In all auction houses across the world, for as long as auction houses have existed, there are and always have been an incredibly portly fellow in the front row. He will outbid everyone at every turn simply to make them miserable.


The trick is to be even wealthier than he is, turn right around, and outbid him back.


Finally, should you ever come across some real Dark Matter in your journeys, and not some homegrown "dark matter" you got by leaving a carton of milk in a very smelly man's room for a year to test whether or not his body odor was worse than the smell of humidity-rotted year-old room temperature milk, you should not try to sell it.

If you throw it at someone, it will do maximum damage to them. You can also only sell it for the smallest possible unit of currency. But if one is going to look at it that way, I suppose the same goes for the rotten milk, too. Well, I stand corrected.