Part 57: Lumberjacks

Chapter 53: Lumberjacks


Dammit, Exdeath, do you need this long of a staircase?


Finally...


You see, Ghido? I went and got all those legendary weapons and now it's too late. I'm only using two of the things anyway! I hope your happy not existing!


He's supposed to be floating but without any shadows it looked like he moved backwards without moving his legs.


In case you had any doubt, here's conclusive proof that Exdeath is a tree.


Y'know, compared to the sympathetic villains of later FF games, Exdeath was just evil and more evil. He's gonna kill people for no reason other than to spite the protagonists.


I can imagine him saying

Hey, Faris, I'm killing your pirate friends now.


Oh, whoops, I got Burtz' chocobo in there too! I guess it's twice the impact! Now I'm gonna kill Cid and Mid for no reason.


Haha! They pose no threat to me, I'm just doing this for the hell of it, now I'm gonna kill you.




Whelp.


Well, it looks like everyone's dead. It was fun, folks!


This game is about to get all metaphysical on us.


The Dawn Warriors show up using magic soul powers!


Xezat awkwardly shuffles into position just before Galuf says this.


I don't know by what magic power they're doing this but, hey, any help is appreciated.


They blue at it to make it go away. It works.


He's all like "Fuck that!" and tries to shove them back in the Void.


But King Tycoon, despite having never shown magic soul powers before, flies in and blues at this one to make it go away. It works.


It's time for THE FINAL BATTLE! Burtz has !Steal just for this occasion.


I think it's better than "I'm gonna steal your stuff then kill you!"

BOSS FIGHT: EXDEATH
I don't know why I'm linking his beastiary page when it's a bunch of question marks.


Exdeath uses high-end magic along with his classic Vacuum Wave. He also busts out a spell called White Hole which inflicts death and petrification. What a magnificent asshole.


Get used to seeing Dragon Powers. Krile's got nothing else to burn turns on and I mistake this game's steal formula for FF6's where Locke's level did matter.


Since Exdeath's first form has nothing nice to steal, I just kill him really fast.


...by the Void!
NOOO! WHY!? The Void was mine to command! How could it- Uwaaah!!!


I think we broke him.


All memories... dimensions... existence... All that is shall be returned to nothing. Then I, too, can disappear... forever!!!

Great, he's become a nihilist. A nihilist tree.


Except I don't even know what the hell this is supposed to be.


Chaos is pretty clearly just some big mean demon who will haunt your nightmares.


The Emperor is all demonic befitting the king of Hell.

Neo Exdeath here is... a mess.


The big deal about !Steal is that Neo Exdeath has VERY nice things to steal. He's made up of 4 sections which all do about the same thing, yet each has a fun thing to pinch.

However, these items are rare steals. Even if !Steal itself succeeds, there's a 9/10 chance we get the common item, which is nothing, so !Steal fails anyway.


Neo Exdeath's big spell is Almagest, named for Ptolemy's famous astronomy book which proposed an Earth-centric solar system. This system was the accepted view for over 1,000 until Copernicus disproved Ptolemy's work by analyzing the movement of celestial objects. Almagest is Greek for "The Greatest."

Almagest the spell is a pain in the ass that deals significant Holy damage. The only two items that resist Holy are in the bonus dungeon, so you either have Shell or take ~1800 damage. This spell pisses me off so much because it enforces a minimum level most of the time. Up to this point, every boss could be defeated by ingenuity and trickery, even at the minimum levels of 3/2/2/3. Now, you've gotta have at least 750 HP or just quit playing. It also inflicts Sap as if the immense damage wasn't enough of a fuck you.

He telegraphs it by shaking violently which is something I can't capture because he moves around anyway.


This means he's prepping Grand Cross. This whole fight lags like a bitch because Neo Exdeath moves around some and the background is always moving and shifting colors.


He casts Dispel sometimes. I've got everyone under Haste, Protect, Shell, and Float and now Lenna has to waste so much MP.


WOAH SHIIIIIT

Grand Cross takes 10 seconds to resolve because of the fancy graphics compounded with the inherent lag.



ATTACK TYPE (HEX: 63) (Grand Cross)
1) If Target has Dead or Zombie status, the attack misses;
do not follow any more steps.
2) Let N1 = (0..17)
3) If N1 = 0, inflict Dead status.
4) If N1 = 1, inflict Stone status.
5) If N1 = 2, inflict Toad status.
6) If N1 = 3, inflict Mini status.
7) If N1 = 4, inflict Poison status.
8) If N1 = 5, inflict Zombie status.
9) If N1 = 6, inflict Darkness status.
10) If N1 = 7, inflict Aging status.
11) If N1 = 8, inflict Sleep status.
12) If N1 = 9, inflict Paralyze status.
13) If N1 = 10, inflict Confuse status.
14) If N1 = 11, inflict Berserk status.
15) If N1 = 12, inflict Mute status.
16) If N1 = 13 or N1 = 14, inflict Stop status.
17) If N1 = 15, inflict Doom status.
18) If N1 = 16, inflict HP Sap status.
19) If N1 = 17,
If the Target is Heavy, attack misses; do not follow any more steps.
Let N2 = (1..9). If Target's Current HP > N2, Target's Current HP = N2.

Grand Cross is a bitch sometimes, yet it can end up as gentle as a kitten. The asshole following it up with a Vacuum Wave is always a bitch.


The party is fighting fit in time for Lenna to absorb a Firaga.


The Murakumo is the sword the Yojimbos have. I guess I get one anyway.


Now that I have its item, this part of Neo Exdeath is going down. This plan bites me in the ass soon enough.

Neo Exdeath's parts have a total of 220,000 HP, The most of any final boss in a FF game until Safer Sephiroth with enough level 99 characters or The Undying in FF12 who has a fixed 228,299. The final boss of FF13 has 3,390,000 proving that Square-Enix has a thing for big numbers I guess.


Ether+Potion. Fully restores MP. Lenna uses Quick+Guardian+Hastega any time someone dies or gets dispelled so she's spending a lot of MP.


It takes a while to kill this part because I'm avoiding !Rapidfire, Brutz is stealing, and Krile can't attack for her Chicken Knife.


He's shaking for Almagest and this message pops up. Each part can cast Grand Cross and Almagest, I've gathered.


The two spells hit right on top of each other. Luckily, this Grand Cross was more annoying than debilitating.


Hahaha, no.

With each !Steal having an 80% success rate before the 10% rare steal rate, I'm guessing Burtz has an 8% chance of being successful. This battle takes a long time because of this randomness.


Now I've got two of the fuckers. TREMBLE IN FEAR, PITIFUL WYRMS!


I get this my first try, lucky me I get the worst item so easily!


I like Almagest's name for how much I hate the spell. Some translation, I think it was Anthology's, had it as the over-the-top Ultimagust.


The last part has the Ragnarok, a 140-power Knightsword. Shinryu guards one, so if I get this one, I'll end up with two of the things!


Leaving one part of Neo Exdeath's alive is a bad idea. The remainder casts Meteor and Almagest with alarming frequency. I was all like OH FUCK I FORGOT THIS DAMMIT when it happened.


Of course, when I eventually steal it, something I missed because I have the text speed waaaay to fast, I mix a few more Dragon Powers for Burtz(who has to be like level 184 by now) and he kicks Neo Exdeath's ass. Here is a dramatic recreation of the event.




NEXT TIME:

As if those words have any meaning!