Part 26: In which Kefka is a Mary Sue

Chapter 26: In which Kefka is a Mary Sue



: Locke...you're back! And you've made the Espers understand our desire for peace!

So how'd that information-gathering mission work out for you, Leo? Given that the only two places of note in the local area are Thamasa and the Esper Caves, I'd be highly interested to know where you were while we were saving the day.

Sadly, we'll never know. My guess? They were sitting on the boat talking to each other about how much of a dolt Locke is.



Yura: We have done something inexcusable to your people. This probably isn't the time or place to ask for your forgiveness, but...
: Speak no further. It is we who owe you an apology. We hungered for your power... How close we came to re-enacting the War of the Magi!!!
Yura: We must put this all behind us.



: Let's return to Vector.
: Celes...
: Please, not another word.
: I'm too hot, Grandpa.
: Kids!!



So we roll the credits accompanied by a cheesy pop song, right?

*insert laugh here*



Music: Kefka's Theme

Wasn't there only one ship in Albrook? How the heck did Kefka follow us here?



With three henchmen in Magitek Armor, no less.

: Hee, hee...! How about a little Magitek mayhem!



And then everybody just stands still and gets shot. This is only the start of the contrived nonsense that transpires in this scene.

: Kefka! What ARE you doing!?
: G'ha, ha, ha! Emperor's orders! I'm to bring the Magicite remains of these Espers to his excellency! Behold! A Magicite mother lode!!



And then Kefka unveils a previously-unmentioned superpower, namely the ability to turn Espers...



...into Magicite! He repeats this process with the dragon and the fairy, who happens to be the only Esper with the common sense to start running. A little too late though.

: Idiots! I don't care for the appearance of this pitiful little hamlet...So burn it!!
: Kefka! No!
: Shut up!



Yeah, pleading with the maniacal clown sure got you somewhere.



Fortunately, the game gives us control over General Leo so we can take a more proactive approach. The game doesn't let us see what Leo's got equipped and we can't have him train with Espers. This doesn't say good things.



No point in challenging the Magitek soldiers to a fight, because they're actually Guardians. The Guardian is unique in that it's absolutely invincible. Nothing you do at the present will harm it, so you can only run. Bummer.



Kefka himself isn't so fortunate.



Although he seems to not have a name in combat. How peculiar...

Anyway, for this fight, Kefka(?) will just spam weak spells and ineffectual melee attacks. Leo, meanwhile, has a special Relic on him that allows him to attack four times in a row, and one more thing...



Beautiful, ain't it? Shock hits all foes on the field for around 1800 magical damage. Just a few shots of this and Kefka(?) goes down like nothing.



Music: The Empire

: Where are you, Kefka...Show yourself!!
: E M P E R O R G E S T A H L...I need you here...

Yes, the letters do appear one by one like that. It's kinda creepy.



And then Gestahl appears in a puff of smoke. Right. You'd have to be a total dunderhead to think that was the real-

: My liege!
: I'm sorry I deceived even you, Leo. My purpose has been to gather Magicite, and grow powerful...Please understand me...
: But Emperor...!
: Don't say anything. I understand how you feel.
: Uwee, hee, hee... That's right! What we have to do now is collect Magicite!
: But my liege... what have I been fighting for...?





: !!!
: So... you think you hit me!? That was simply my shadow! And how did you like my Gestahl? I should've been on the stage!

Oh right, a "shadow." And I bet that if Leo killed Kefka here, it'd turn out that this was a robot double.



: Shut up, Kefka! I oughtta...
: Oh! A threat...? You're such a violent little brute! I'll tell your "liege" I had to exterminate a traitor...!



And then Kefka stabs Leo. At least, I hope that's what this shot is symbolizing.

: Hate...Hate...HATE!!!

My main problem with Leo is that he seems to have confused idealism for childish naivete. The fact that this ends up being his downfall makes me appreciate Final Fantasy VI a little more, especially considering how many JRPG's have had a General Leo-esque character inexplicably come out on top just due to the power of positive thinking.



But this little charade doesn't end with Leo's death. No sir.

: Whoa! Yes, I feel some incredible Magic power here. today! Wave after wave of pure, magical energy...



It appears that something is amiss at the Sealed Gate.



Music: Metamorphosis

Led by Bahamut's third cousin once removed, the Espers come pouring out of their world to rescue their brothers.



: Say, remind me to show you my Magicite collection someday! You might see a few familiar faces!!! Now for a little Magicite hocus-pocus...!



Apparently the Espers are epileptic or something, because this flashing light here neutralizes their powers and causes the Guardians to disappear. I don't know either.



With the Espers unable to fight back due to poorly explained reasons, Kefka is free to snipe them out of the air.

: Eh!? You wanna take me on? Fine. Here I am...



Ifrit's stunt double makes a valiant effort to harm Kefka, but his spells are simply blocked before he's hit with a shot of Esper-be-gone too.

: This is ridiculous! I had no idea you were such wimps! Time to put a stop to all of this.



Really, this scene is just absurd. Just a day or two ago, Kefka was being tossed around like a ragdoll by these guys, and now he just saunters in and kills them en masse without breaking a sweat.

: Phew...I think I have plenty of Magicite for the time being...That is, until I make my way through your precious sealed gate!!

Right, so now would be a great time to slit your major enemies' throats while they're unconscious, yes?



Apparently not.

: People only seem to want power. Do they really want to be like me? I... I wanted to learn so much more from you...



Suddenly, a familiar doggie enters the scene.

: Interceptor!? That's a nasty wound! We not only lost Leo, but Shadow, too...Curse the Empire!
: He was so gentle...

...Are we talking about the same Shadow here?

: Now I'm worried about Edgar and the others...
: I wish I could say they were safe...



Speaking of those guys who we haven't seen in a while...



Really?! I never could have guessed!

: Thanks to Edgar, we escaped before anything bad happened...
: Way to go, Edgar!
: I got to know the gal who brought us tea. After a while, she just blurted out the whole crooked plan.
: So...you finally hit pay dirt, eh?
: Watch your mouth! There're ladies present! I was a perfect gentleman!

Yes, somehow Ted Woolsey slipped the joke about Edgar scoring past the folks at Nintendo. Not that any kid would have known what they were talking about.

: General Leo's gone...Kefka did him in...



: We need to rethink our plans. Let's return to the airship.
: May I accompany you?
: Who're you?
: He's one of this town's citizens.
: He's descended from the Mage Warriors of yore... I think he can be a big help.
: We must expect the Empire to flex its new-found muscle soon.



: Yeah, right kid!
: What? Who is this puffed-up aerobics instructor, anyway?
: Kid's got quite a lip!
: Aaack! I'm gonna paint your portrait!



: All right, all ready! You can come!
: That's better!

So Relm's now an official member of our team thanks to threatening to kill one of its principal members. Way to go, kid.

Anyway, as everyone's about to leave...



I don't like where this is going...



Oh okay, it's just the other translation where he says, and I quote, "I hope you're still around in 8 years." For reference, he's 27 now, so in 8 years, he'd be twice Relm's age.

BAD KING! BAD! BAD! BAD!



When we board the airship, this scene occurs.



: The island...This world is groaning in pain...

Music: Catastrophe



Oh dear...



This...



This is not good.





: It is said that they somehow neutralized each other's power, then sealed themselves away...If the 3 statues should ever be moved out of alignment, the resulting imbalance of power would...rearrange the face of our planet...
: What!?



It's tempting to rocket off to the Floating Continent right away, but we've got all the time in the world. So...

Next Time: We prepare ourselves for the final battle and face the Empire's last line of defense. We're heading towards the endgame, folks.