Part 41: Ultima Ratio Robin

We got some more dudes, but for most of them there's not much we can do to un-suckify them, or in Bruce's case, I don't care to un-suckify him.



I will do his sidequest, though, so at least there's that. And I'm even going to bring MrThou, even though I said I'd never use him again.

(I say a lot of things.)

I told you, I'm not-

Now, hurry up and fix that chair over there! You're gonna need to stand on it so you can fix the roof!

Ugh.



But Matt has had a brilliant idea.

Uwaoh...

Bruce doesn't seem entirely convinced.

Come on, Bruce... don't you think?

Nah. Bruce doesn't think. He leaves that to you, Matt.

(I was going to say something about "may the gods have mercy on his soul", but then I remembered that we killed them.)

Fa-ther...?

Yeah. That guy's gotta be your dad!

...? ...Bruce... dad!? Uwaooo Bruce!

I... got nothing.

All right! Let's go tell him!
He needs to know you're his son!
Wait a minute... This is a once-in-a-lifetime event!
We should at least dress you up a bit! Let's go to Jidoor and get you spiffed up!

...this... can not end well.



No, Bruce! How many times do I have to tell you not to eat with your fingers?

Uwao...

Don't say "uwao" when you mean "sorry"!

Yaoh!

...

---


Oh, but I liked those other ones so much, too!



What was that!?

"N-nothing! Didn't say a thing! ...Whew. That was close..."

What to do, what to do... Oh, this is nice!
...But I need something that would look good on Bruce, don't I? Hmm...

"Oh, pick something, already...!"

What did you say!?

"...N-nothing!"



"That's a kenpo gi..."

It's perfect! Functional, yet sporty!

"That's, uh... not exactly what I had in mind..."

*sigh*... Not an ounce of fashion sense amont the lot of you...
Excuse me, sir. Could you order another set of clothes like the ones I'm wearing?

"Gambit, no! We're trying to make him look better, not worse!"




You're gonna go in there now and show your father what a fine young man you've become!

Yaoooh...

...



Who in the blazes are you? Oh! Repairmen!?

Sir... You had a son once, didn't you? You did... right?

...A son?

Yes. You see, sir... he's alive. ...Bruce, speak up!

Fa-ther...

Huh? What's all this business about a son? I don't have a son!


I grabbed the thing and rushed off to the Veldt with it... Thing was crying like crazy by the time I got there...

But, sir...!

I left the child there... And then I turned around and ran, trying not to look back...

I'm trying to tell you...

Then all of a sudden the crying stopped. I turned around...
...and there was some frightful monster! Never seen anything like it...
Hideous! Still gives me the shakes when I think about it...

I give up... This guy's hopeless...

But you, young man... Your parents must be proud to have such a fine son!
I still dream about being chased by that demon child... Terrifying, those dreams...

Why you old...!
Running your mouth, not even so much as thinking about Bruce's feelings!
You want me to beat some sense back into you!?



Bruce intervenes before Matt can assault the elderly.





Fa-ther... alive... Bruce... ha-ppy...

Aww, isn't that special. Hope you enjoyed your time in the limelight, Bruce, because you're never doing it again!



Well then, time to "treasure hunt".

After some fiddling, the door opens. This repeats with every locked door in town...



I'm sure Indy imagined something like scooping up everything that isn't nailed down and getting filthy rich, but there's actually not much to steal here, unless you forgot an elixir or something.



The reason we won't be committing robbery today is that everything new here is going to be given to us for free. Indy feels cheated; I certainly don't mind!

The old man produces another chunk of magicite.

I ran a weapon shop for seventy years, but I've never felt a power like the one I feel in this stone.
If I were to grind it down into the shape of a blade, I'm sure it would make a very powerful weapon... What do you say?



This is an important decision! No, actually, that's a lie.

All right.



Check those stats! Ragnarok the sword is stupidly powerful, even if you aren't going to hit things with it.



But...



...on the other hand...



...



We have another gift waiting for us in another house!



Most of the things we get glow blue. This one is... a bit different.

The Cursed Shield... If only there were a way to lift the curse, it would be the finest shield in the world...

He's not just making a sales pitch here, either. Once the curse is gone, this is one hell of a shield.




There's just one little problem...



...I think we all know who the rightful bearer of this thing is.

But enough of this place, let's go something useful.



Oh yeah.

"I... am become Death, destroyer of worlds!"

"I worry."

"Oh, no need for that. She's very mature for her age. I'm sure she'll only use it on criminals and perverts."

*GULP*

"What are you yammering about? I want to try this out on something big!"



"Oh, take your Meteors and stuff them!"



"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"



But here's the real catch in the dinosaur woods. Most likely, when the hunter on the Veldt told us about beasts no human could match... he was talking about the Brachiosaur.



Oh, you thought the T-rexes' Meteors were annoying? This guy uses it too, and he has a much better magic score.



What, that's not enough for you? Well, fine: he also casts Ultima.



You're pretty much fucked



But here's that one time in the game where the Fake Mustache becomes useful. Once Control works, you trade Robin's turn for control over the enemy's - though a physical attack ends the control.

What this means is that we can now pretty much nuke this guy at our leisure and he can't do a thing to stop us.

Even then, it takes a while. Let's scan this fucker so you can see just how much of a brick wall he is.





The Brachiosaur is the strongest random enemy in the original game, and should Control fail, he has a good chance of one-shotting the entire party. But there is a reason to hunt these guys - or actually, several reasons. One is that you can steal Ribbons from them, should you lack a full set. They also give good XP and 10 AP when defeated, but the most interesting thing about them...



...is that they can drop this.



Hello.

The Celestriad may be overrated, but once you're hitting close to 9999 damage with Ultima anyway, there's not much need for earrings any more. It's mostly a convenience thing, since Osmose still renders MP cost pretty much moot, but there's really no reason not to use it if you happen to obtain one.

Oh, and the reason I opted for the esper over the sword in Narshe?







And there we go!

But wait, we're not done yet.



Betting the Ragnarok at the Coliseum...



...rewards us with the most brokenly ridiculous weapon in the game.

Compared to the Ragnarok, that's 4 points more speed, 20 more Evasion, 20 more Magic Evasion. This sword puts most shields to shame in terms of blocking rates, and that stat boost speaks for itself. This is the kind of equipment that will help you no matter what you're planning to do.



And since we're here already, let's trade some other stuff around. The Cactuar is a pain in the arse as always, but Gambit's Fixed Dice will hit and deal normal damage even to these things, and with over 1000 HP, it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll get a turn.



The Rename Card doesn't have a good description, but...



...it should be pretty obvious what it actually does.



We're not going to waste it on that, though.

The Fiend Dragon is a huge asshole. He uses Dickmove Alpha, Northern Cross (ice damage and Freeze status), Southern Cross (fire damage) and physical attacks, and even if you can protect yourself from elementals, the "set HP to 1, physical attack" combo is nasty when you have no control over your character.



Unless that character is Galuf wearing the Snow Scarf, in which case the dragon's physical attack deals 0 damage.



I could think of worse ways to use my elixirs.



Well, then. What do we have left...?