Part 2: Episode I: The End of Final Fantasy VII. The Beginning of Stupidity

Episode I: The End of Final Fantasy VII. The Beginning of Stupidity


We open with the finale of Final Fantasy VII proper. For the uninitiated, a big fuck-off magic meteor, appropriately named Meteor, summoned by the eternally overcompensating Sephiroth, is about to slam into the planet and kill everyone for vague reasons pertaining to mother issues and godhood.


This is, of course, stopped by a guy with spiky hair also overcompensating for something, Mr. T, a pair of tits, an underaged pair of tits, a robot toy, a talking big cat, an alcoholic wifebeater, and our hero Vincent Valentine.

However, Vincent and the underaged pair of tits (henceforth referred to as 'Yuffie', better known as 'I'd been pronouncing it yah-fee') were both optional characters and thus did not appear in the ending FMV. As making four versions of a cinematic is a bit wasteful. At least, that was the assumed case.

Dirge of Cerberus explains where they really were the whole time. Since, lord knows nobody took them to the final battle.


It turns out they were helping out with the evacuation of Midgar. What, with everyone in Shinra being dead and the townsfolk apparently being too retarded to leave the city without the direction of a ninja girl and costumed goth.


Then again, maybe the townsfolk just realized it was a bit futile to evacuate when a fucking moon is about to crash into the planet.


"Ma'am, I've been doing this job for sixteen years. The only time anyone was 'dropped' was when we had to rush a chopper's take off to avoid falling debris. Could you please step aside and let me work?"
"Tch. Fine, whatever. You there! Report."


"Okay! Let's get out of here! Just remember to keep on guard until you're clear of the red zone!"
"Yes, sir! Captain Jailbait, sir!"

The firemen rush off to prepare their rocket shuttles or whatever will safely take them out of the 'red zone' of a city sized ball of rock and flame crashing into the earth.


This is Yuffie, in case you were wondering. Shown here to have put on a goofy set of goggles only to take them off dramatically. I suppose she's like the geeky fantasy version of David Caruso.


"Operation: Annoy Volunteer Fire Fighters is a success. You?"



"The surrounding area has been thoroughly glared at. But, Yuffie. I want you to check the mako cannon. I've got this sneaking suspicion I might have missed a spot to brood there."



"Yep. I'm checking the camera right now. You scowled at the cannon just after the slums but before the pizzeria down on 5th Street."


So, they're not evacuating people by the good old fashion PA saying "hitch a ride to leave now or you will die". They're actually using a device which detects lifesigns by means of a wireframe index that just confirms that 'yes, there is someone alive there'. They're using that at ground level in the largest city on the planet. Am I understanding that correctly?


"Retcons..."
"Hold on! Hold on! This is crazy. There's no way anyone could be up there. No. We're only a quarter of the way through the intro. They can't already be making retcons. I refuse to accept it."


"You know... The ones actually saving the planet from destruction. It looks like I still have some work to do."
"Well, do you want a helicopter or anything? We've got helicopters down here. That's gotta be like 30 stories. Just tell me where you are and..."
"There's no time."
"It'd only take about three minutes to get to you. Just te-"
<click>


"I can talk into this box and other people hear me. Technology is the new magic."


Oh, you've got a bad feeling about this? With a giant ball of doom hours away from wiping out civilization, you've got a bad feeling?

Meanwhile, at the thirty flights of stairs...


"Huff.. Huff.. Huff... This... Huff.. Was... Hhh... A... Hhh... Terrible... Hhh... Idea..."

Quite a bit of staircase climbing later.


"Oh... Huff... Huff... Cramp! Aaah. Huff... See... It was a huff... retcon. I can spot... one from a... mile away!"


Oh, hey. It's Professor Hojo. He's somehow gone from a mutant with a three stage boss fight back to just a normal scientist. After being killed, no less. Color me impressed.


"Nevermind three people wailed on you with massive swords, spears, magic, and exploding fists until you died. We're in a cutscene now. I've got an Aeris Special lined up for you, friend."


Just then a lightning bolt strikes the tower.


Scratch that, an exploding lightning bolt.


The good doctor has since vanished. No, he was not incinerated or knocked clean off the tower or anything logical like that. Nor did he make a hasty get away during the lightning strike. Oh no. The true answer will be revealed in good time. It is much, much, much stupider than you can imagine.


Before Vincent has the time to give the stink eye to more corpses and broken machinery, the nearby tower decides to explode. No lightning strike. Just good old fashion explosive engineering. Things look grim...


But, no worries. Yuffie to the rescue!


On her flying moped... Wait, what?!


"Alright, Vincent. Let me just swing this thing around for a good landing spot and you can hop on boa-"
"I desire a piggy-back ride."
"Wait, hold on! Just-"


"If my heart wasn't filled with such darkness and sorrow, I would be going 'weeeee'."


"Do you too enjoy the pleasures brought by a good piggie-back session?"


So there you have it. That is why Yuffie and Vincent were missing in the ending FMV. They were busy tooling about half way across the planet on their flying Vespa.


And Hojo didn't actually die after the boss battle against him. He lived on long enough to defrag his C: Drive before entering the Lifestream.


I'm certainly glad we now have a sequel to address these mysteries.

Special Feature:

This is a fairly lengthy game. If, only for the sheer volume of crappy cutscenes it has. To spice things up, there will be a special feature every few updates.

Today's feature is for those who don't obsess with an eleven year old game. I like to call it...



Dirge of Cerberus does fuck all to explain anything about the pre-established Final Fantasy VII 'world', as it's far too busy dotting over its half baked new ideas. This feature is here as a refresher to ill-explained throw-backs to the previous title. As well as the occasional Advent Children namedrop (which there are thankfully few.) Let's begin...


Professor Hojo.

Hojo was the head of the Shinra company's scientific division. Which basically gave him free range to be an asshole in the name of science. Which he fully puts to use. Dickhead stunts include:
- Banging the woman Vincent liked (she goes on to get knocked up, shot full of evil alien mutant Jenova cells, and giving birth to Sephiroth.)
- Shooting Vincent.
- Experimenting on Vincent to make him the super powered perpetually emo fellow he is today.
- Experimenting on Cloud to make him the super powered perpetually emo fellow he is today.
- Experimenting on a bunch of other people to make them crazy mutants (possibly emo in nature) in the name of science.
- Trying to make a human girl and a talking cat bump nasties.
- Just generally being a jerk.


He meets his end in battle with Cloud and company at the top of the Mako Cannon, after injecting himself with Jenova Cells (Read: The Final Fantasy VII version of the T-Virus) and turning into a multi-staged mutant boss.

Tune in Next Time For:


Brooding!


Festivals!!


Massacres!!!

Bonus Movies:

Dirge of Cerberus' Intro (Part 1)