Part 3: Episode II: The Internet Proves to Truly be Serious Business
Episode II: The Internet Proves to Truly be Serious Business
All that just before? It's probably best you just forgot about it. We're now entering Dirge of Cerberus territory. Tread lightly...
"At last... My eyeshadow is perfect."
For the unaware, here's a bit of backstory on old Vinnie. After getting the girl he sort of kind of flirted with some stolen, being shot, and experimented on, Hojo locked him in the basement of the dump they were working out of. There he slept. He slept for thirty years. Not the coma sort of sleep, though. He apparently just decided to dick around resting in a coffin like a vampire for no particular reason, until Cloud and his band of idiots strolled along.
After saving the world, making friends, and re-entering society after three decades, what does he do?
He mopes about pining for his lost love that he never even got to first base with. This is Lucrecia - Sephiroth's mom. Due to her being injected with
She too spends her silent days lamenting about the past...at least to anyone who bothers to steal a submarine to visit her. Though, unlike Vincent, she actual has a decent reason to be mopey. She gave birth to the character circle jerked as being 'the best villain ever' by fourteen year olds everywhere.
"Lucrecia."
"This has to stop. If I wasn't frozen in crystal, I'd file a restraining order." "My dark soul is too tainted to hear your words." "Go away! It didn't work out between us! I already got married. I had a kid. He tried to destroy the world. You might have heard of him." "I wish I could hear your voice again..."
"I'm calling the police."
"I'm the one who should apologize."
Vincent returns from the vision of an ethereal cavern with the visage of his crystalline lost love and back to the reality of his dumpy studio apartment. Some people just look up porn on the internet, for these kinds of problems, chief.
Meanwhile, Vincent has been nice enough to leave his phone open, just for exposition sake, alongside his glass of red wine.
If only text messaging were merely a thing of fantasy. Anyhow, it seems Vincent has been summoned to town by Reeve. Now, don't trouble yourself if you don't recall that name from the original game. Reeve was much better known as this abomination:
Cait Sith. Maybe we'll eventually see one of the cast from the original game that anybody gave a damn about. Eventually, right? I mean... It's got to happen sooner or later.
I'm thinking Reeve never got the whole concept of a cellphone down. Texting someone to meet you in another town for a chat while you're using a fucking phone already...it seems a bit silly, is all...
Vincent just happens to be watching a plot relevant news broadcast on TV at the moment. What a coincidence.
"Three weeks ago our crew left for Midgar. However, the group's whereabouts still remain unknown. Tonight, for the first time, we bring you the final transmission received before all contact was lost." 
So, these people have been missing for three weeks and they're just now suspecting they may indeed be missing? What? Do you have to wait a solid month before filing a police report in the FF7 World?
Well, it's a good thing the fire brigade is on the job. Who better to investigate the dark secrets of a corrupt para-military weapons manufacturing organization known for its crimes against humanity?
"For the past three years this door has remained sealed. However, that seal's about to be broken. There are no records of this place located deep beneath the Shinra building. Another of the company's secrets revealed recently."
"According to investigative reports, there is evidence that thousands of people were once transported here. If rumors of the Shinra company conducting human experiments are true, then this may be where the nefarious deeds were carried out. To bring you this exclusive footage, Channel 7 News has has teamed up with volunteer organization... Oh...wait... It think I see something..."
"I'm trying to lull myself into another restless slumber with a news report of the final moments of a group of innocents' lives..."
"Could you people PLEASE keep it down, out there!"
There's a wee bit of a gathering going down in town. The game never properly explains why there's a huge town-wide festival occurring. But, there actually is a very good reason. You see, it is a celebration for the restoration of the "Worldwide Network".
That's right... They're celebrating the Internet got turned back on. These are a people who loved their online porn.
"I just don't know about this, Phil..." "Honey, we'll never have to work again. I've got it all set up. Three different cameras. One at an isometric angle, one over top of the bed. The last one is going to be, get this, a point of view camera. We just need to set up a Paypal account and we are in business."
Maybe that's what is wrong with Vincent. The man's been locked in a basement for thirty years. The Internet went down around a week or two after he finally came out of his slumber. If this game was set four years after Final Fantasy 7, we'd find Vince hunched over a laptop updating his Livejournal while farming for gold in another window, instead of perpetually brooding.
In an unrelated news story, some jerks decide to random fire a missile into the town's outer wall.
Wait... The Internet has just been restored... Random terror attacks...?
Masked men...?
Oh shit! It's Anonymous! The Internet Hate Machine has returned! Cheese it!
Soldiers with the silliest repelling system ever (how the hell do you straighten yourself if you're hit with a gust of wind/debris/whatever while there's a giant pullstring suspending you?) descend upon the festivities.
The masked men scan the crowd with their special Super Neon Vision™. I'm guessing the people highlighted in red are threats and the ones in green are none threats and...
Oh wait, they're just firing indiscriminately into the crowd. My mistake in trying to rationalize things.
Since, the random para-military unit attack wasn't quite 'fantasy' enough, they brought along their snarling beast-men (yes, that's a human) to liven up the show. Since, nothing makes me take a military force more seriously than neon blue highlights and gimp shocktroopers.
Who has windows that large? I mean, honestly. That thing is bigger than my front door.
"Sir, I'm detecting a high level of negative emotions emanating from this direction. Would you care to explain yourself?" "Do you truly want to know of my haunted path? I warn you there-"
"No one wants to hear it, sir." "No! My mascara collection! You'll pay for that..."
Did I mention Vincent can jump two hundred feet in the air? No? Well, he can. In fact, everyone in the series can now jump several stories with little or no momentum. It probably has something to do with the planet being roughly the size of Rhode Island.
Also, meet the Cerberus: a three barrel customizable handgun and Vincent's weapon of choice. It is a weapon of incredibly varying power, depending on the situation. It might take five or six shots to down a single soldier.
Or it might shoot a helicopter down before even having to reload. In addition, it may also be capable of firing anywhere between ten shots in half a second or a single shot every second. Depending on if we're in gameplay mode, ingame cutscene mode, or FMV mode. Truly, it is a weapon worthy of a good old fashion dirge.
Vincent takes the time to strike a pose as the helicopter plummets into the fleeing panicked crowd below and doubtlessly kills scores of innocent people. But hey, he looked stylish while doing it. That's what really counts.
Meanwhile, the soldiers seem to be rounding people up the a few people they didn't gun down into portable jail cells, dropped by a few of the choppers. All part of their nefarious(ly retarded) plot, undoubtedly.
And so Vincent broods one last time in the pale moonlight amidst the sea of flames. Final Fantasy VII is over. It's time for things to get really stupid.
Special Feature:
It seems we've run into another stretch of random throw backs the game assumes we should know about. Like...where the fuck we're supposed to be, for instance...
Kalm (Why do absolutely no decent pictures of this place exist?)
The opening location of Dirge of Cerberus is Kalm. Though, it is better known as 'the first town the party can access when they finally get to the world map'. Slightly to the east of Midgar, Kalm was little more than a pit stop and Final Fantasy VII's version of the town was essentially a town square lined with a handful of houses. Dirge of Cerberus has expanded it a bit, to say the least.
It's major claim to fame is being the location the length Nibelheim flashback is retold. You know, the sequence which was kind of cool the first time and dull as watching paint try every subsequent playthrough.
Tune in Next Time For:
Gameplay!
Linearity!!
Invisible Walls!!!
Bonus Movies:
Dirge of Cerberus Intro (Part 2)