Part 7: Episode VI: PBS
Episode VI: PBS
Alrighty, then. Kalm has been saved. Despite all the killing and kidnapping and such. It's time to move onto newer, brighter horizons. Like Stage 2!
But first, there will be a brief intermission...
Elsewhere... Possibly, this 'Edge' location...
Exotic Cargo has really tightened up on security, lately.
An inky darkness engulfs one of the Beanie Troops.
A darkness so deep, it not only causes the soldier to vanish, but fucks with the subtitles, as well.
I really thought that guy was going to make it. I mean, he wasn't even wearing a red hat.
Elsewhere in town.
Well, hopefully that soldier's twin brother will survive this mysterious little ordeal.
The trio head into a moody cargo storage facility. I'm shocked they're giving us glimpses into the upcoming locales. I can't wait to see what's in store.
They likely went to play a better game.
Quick! Guess the gender!
If you guessed female, you are actually correct! Not only is she female. She is also the only person with a Russian accent on the planet.
Does everyone know who these chucklefucks are? Did I miss reading a memo? Maybe it went to the spam folder on my e-mail account?
Red the Red decides to show off her nifty folding dual blade thingamabober.
Also, her ability to teleport. We simply cannot leave out teleportation in any formal introduction.
Also, one-shotting red shirts. So, our villains now include a narcoleptic little girl, a blue-haired giant elf with a killer mullet and chops, and a Russian vixen who can teleport. Fox-Hound? Dead Cell? Cobra Unit? Those guys were punks. It's all about the Tsviets.
"They wouldn't last a day in Deepground. The fools... They don't even have glowing highlights on their uniforms! They'd never fit in."Meanwhile, Vincent and Reeve travel through the wastelands outside Midgar...
"Deepground soldiers."
"Deepground?" "Yes. The shadow of the Shinra Company, constructed by the former president and completely hidden from the rest of the world." "Constructed? What? Like Sephiroth constructed? Or like fabricated for the plot of this game constructed?" "The latter." 
"an army of superhuman warriors - not once letting morality interfere." "So, like SOLDIER but with less headjobs with huge swords occasionally murdering everyone?" "Exactly." "I see that project was wildly successful." "Have any of Shinra's been?" "Good point."
"...is also a member of Deepground. But, he belongs to an elite unit known as the Tsviets." "What does Tsviets mean?" "Excuse me?" "I mean, I figure Deepground is some location, right? Then, what are the Tsviets?" "I... I think they just thought it sounded cool. I mean, they seem to have a whole color theme going on." "That is a pretty outlandishly dumb theme to have. This is coming from a man who's worn the same tattered cape and leather outfit for 33 years."
"However, it's nothing like I expected." "Not even a person in your position was informed?" "No. Other than the president himself, the only people who knew of Deepground's existence were most likely Heidegger, Scarlet, and the head of biochemical research, Hojo." "Did you really have to simply namedrop Heidegger and Scarlet but give a formal introduction for Hojo?" "Too blunt with the foreshadowing...? Sorry..."
"Besides, he would probably be too busy being a dick to look into it. As for me, I was told information on a need to know basis. Which basically meant they informed me when the bathroom was clogged up again and I needed to have it repaired. I hated that job..." 
"All the info we currently have on Deepground was only discovered recently when we came across some of Scarlet's old files." "What were you doing on her computer, Reeve?" "I was... I was, you know. Looking for important documents... You know... Shinra secret projects and all that..." "Reeve..." "Alright, look. I worked there for a long time under that bitch. So sue me for wanting a few private pictures... Wishful thinking I know." "That's something you probably should tell other people." "Noted."
"I'd been sulking in a cave until you texted me. But, I am sure you are more than ready to fill me in. The news mentioned something about it. I remember the report saying 20 to 30 people suddenly vanished." "That's what the report would like you to believe. It was determined internally that if the truth was leaked, they wouldn't be able to contain the inevitable panic." "In Junon...? What did that town have, a population of 50? If that?" "The actual number of people that went missing that day was 1200." "1200? Are there even that many people on the planet?" "Look, for conversation sake let's just say a lot of people bumped uglies after the near apocalypse. I hear they're calling them the Meteorboomers." "Reeve... You really are not giving me a compelling case not to just crawl back into my coffin and call it quits." "Look, just hear me out."
"The WRO conducted a private investigation, but we came up empty handed. Except for the rumors. Since the Junon disappearance, people in Edge have been on edge." "In stark contrast to the relative calm in Kalm and the lovers of fans of Jason Reitman's Juno in Junon, I'm sure." "You used to be a lot less snippy." "The weight upon my shoulders brings forth my turmoil to the surface." "Forget I said anything..."
"Could it be the wind? Let me ask you, does the wind sound like a thousand wailing souls?" "Every waking moment sounds like a din of despair to my ears." "Really, Vincent. I'm sorry. You don't have to be a-" "The cries of those I failed are my lullaby at night. Their tears haunt my dreams. I awaken to their sorrow..." "Oh god..."
Well, what a coincidence. Who knew haunted anguish had such impeccable timing?
It's not exactly a rumor if you can just drive around in the middle of the desert, miles away from Midgar, and still hear these phantom screams. It's more of an easily documented fact.
There's just no way there could be a connection with the screams.
"You've got to wiggle the rabbit ears. Just move it a little bit to the left. No, my left. There... There... That did it."
Dear god! A shirtless man in karate pants with what appears to be a headcrab nibbling on his forehead.
The rest of this speech is unaltered. It is, in fact, this cartoonishly over the top. It also has the camera angle shift every second by what must be two dozen cameras focused on this loon. I'd recommend watching the Bonus Movie for full effect.
"The pure will be 'spared' for the cause. While the tainted will be hunted down and exterminated. They shall be slashed, strangled, and slaughtered. Beaten, stabbed, and crushed. Garroted and impaled. Shot and executed without mercy. The time has come to cleanse this world."
Nothing like a maniacal laughter to top of your presentation.
"..." "..." "I'm beginning to agree with your fanfic theory..."Special Feature:
Ahh... More namedrops of characters of middling importance, at best.
Scarlet
Heidegger
Heidegger and Scarlett served as two of the cartoonishly evil upper management of Shinra.
Heidegger served as the head of Shinra's military and spends most of his time laughing like a donkey and flipping his shit on his own troops up to, and including, tossing someone off a bridge.
Scarlet served as the head of Shinra's weapon development. Her deeds include burning down Barret's home town just because she was in an especially cunty mood, as well as shooting up his arm as she is apparently the only member of Shinra not inflicted with Stormtrooper Aim Syndrome™ She also had a slap fight with a martial arts master on top of a giant cannon. I guess that's something.
The pair both meet their end when they attempt to use a giant robot against a team that were kicking the shit out of world destroy monsters and demi-gods at that point.
You can promptly forget about them, because neither will ever be relevant for the rest of the game.
Tune in Next Time For:
Shooter on Rails!
Wolves!!
Campers!!!
Bonus Movies:
Rosso the Crimson Gets Red on Her
Reeve Rambles on for Fucking EVER (Warning: Boring)
The Head of Deepground Makes his Debut (Watch for full cartoonish effect)
Cutscenes Present: 3
Cutscenes Total: 27