Part 11: Episode X: Snipers, Escorts, and Pixel Hunts! Oh, my!
Early update, since tomorrow is known better as "I'm Playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl All Fucking Day" Day.
Episode X: Snipers, Escorts, and Pixel Hunts! Oh, my!
Right, then. Welcome to Edge. It is very, very gray and has a back-alley index on par with Raccoon City. There is no particularly goal at the moment.
But taking this seven foot electric fence down is probably a start.
And...what's this? There almost looks like there are multiple paths to follow and the goal point isn't even clearly marked? Non-linearity? In my Dirge of Cerberus?
Haha... Alright, there isn't really. There's no reason to go any route but the main road.
Especially since the only enemies in the area, at this time, or the old DG Gimps and tight quarters is not the place to hang out with them, unless you enjoy wrestling with the camera. I, for one, do not.
While we're in the area, I might as well mention the jukeboxes. These are actually shops, much like the one found at the end of stages. Why a jukebox sells weapon tune-up kits and healing items, I could not tell you. Johann Sebastian Bach may be involved.
A few blocks in, we come upon some gravely wounded chap...who looks remarkably similar to someone I can't quite place... I wonder what that's all about...
"Squad... Wiped out... Warehouse...on the...edge of town... They...were gathering...civilians... Sentences...will be truncated...Tell my...ellipses...I love them..."
And so he dies. The noble effort of directing Vincent to the stage boss fight will not be forgotten.
"You were a beautiful, unique butterfly. Spread your wings in the afterlife, friend. Spread your winds."
Oh, hey. He turned into a keycard!
A backtrack all the way across town later...
Alright, that's one obstacle down. Now onward to that warehouse. It shouldn't be too difficult to find in a town on the edge of the biggest city on the planet.
A bit further in, Vincent finds the third and final primary gun frame - the Hydra. The Hydra is your basic sniper-rifle. It's heavy, extremely slow, and has a very small ammo capacity. On the reverse, it has about twice the range of even the long barrel Cerberus and kicks like a mule, even at a distance.
And, of course, it'll be fit with the long barrel and rifle scope, for a monster weapon so large it doesn't even properly fit on the viewing screen.
A sniper-rifle isn't a sniper-rifle unless you can prop it up against a wall and have it reach your neck. Truly, a worth companion for...
Vincent's ridiculously large pistol and who can forget, of course...
The Sniper Machinegun of +1 Manliness™. If only we could work a bayonet somewhere into the equation, we'd be set.
A few more back-alleys later...
If you were unfortunate enough to watch Advent Children, you'd probably not recognize this location; thanks to the questionable rendering and dreadful draw distance. But, this is the town square from the big fight at the climax of the movie. You know, the one with Bahamut and all the old Final Fantasy VII characters arriving, just to say they had the old Final Fantasy VII characters in the movie.
It seems evil is afoot. Vincent Valentine is, of course, not amused.
As pictured.
You know, when I think of 'elite sniper' I really don't think of an engine grill as a faceplate. But, maybe that's just me.
And so we have the first and most aggravating Stage Mission: Eliminate the Snipers in Hiding.
The cutscene gives Vincent a freebie. The first sniper is front and center. The rest...not so much.
You see, there are around ten snipers hiding around town, in all directions. Snipers take a good 150 HP chunk of health each hit and if one has a good bead on Vincent, he can easily plug away 300 HP in a second. So, of course, staying still is not an option. The trouble is...Vincent has a fucking sniper rifle - a weapon meant to be used while standing still.
To make matters worse, the zoom on the sniper scope cannot be adjusted. The settings are behind the shoulder and WAY THE FUCK IN. So, unless Vincent is dead center aiming at the enemy, before zooming in, he'll have to stand still and adjust his view for a couple seconds to finally fire.
Basically, the sniper scope adds base accuracy to a weapon at a distance, but the actual functionality of the scope is utterly worthless.
So basically, that means Vinnie is reduced to circle strafing around the square, like a moron, and pixel hunting the rooftops, in hopes of getting a lock-on to an enemy (go ahead, try to find the enemy in that screencap.) With the auto-aim, it's still possibly to take out the snipers in over-the-shoulder aim. It's just quite another matter to find them.
The dark uniforms on gray backgrounds, with gloom filter effects, make finding a sniper a chore. The only way to do so is scanning the rooftops and getting lucky. Or, what is far more likely, getting shot by a sniper and using the on screen indicator (an arrow pops up showing the direction a hit came from, for a few seconds) to narrow down where the shot came from. Then waiting for another shot to zero in and return fire.
In summary: This whole process is about as fun as putting my dick in a vise.
After enough snipers are taken down, a child appears. Since, if there's anything more I love than sniper towns, it's children.
The runt ducks into a nearby shop.
And, of course, he runs right back out as soon as Vinnie sweeps the area. This goes on for a bit. It would be far more tolerable were Yakety Sax playing. Yes, I'd find something as run into the ground as Yakety Sax amusing at this point.
Eventually, the kid gets cornered by the Truancy Police. Vincent, in his youth, would often cut class to stare longingly into the window of his local Hot Topic. His family wasn't wealthy enough to buy him anything other than leather and belts, you see. But, a boy can dream. As such, he sympathizes with the child and brutally murders two men in front of him.
I'm not sure how the murder works into the equation...
How do children always live through town ravaging waves of murder and death? Did nobody get the memo about 99% of children being dumb fuck-ups that often cannot, in fact, tie their own shoes?
"The warehouse. I know how to get there. It's through that gate."
"The cardkey to my soul was lost long ago, child."
"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'why does this kid have stage advancing information', am I right? The answer is: because they're not even trying anymore. Follow me."
And so we have, that's right boys and girls, an escort mission!
Have I mentioned I hate this game, lately? No? Well, I hate this game.
Little Timmy proceeds to lead Vincent to the upper walkway surrounding the town square. He moves at a speed roughly half of Vincent's walking speed and stops dead still if Vinnie falls more than a couple of feet behind.
Along the way, he is attacked by everything from enemy soldiers.
To gimps...
To even snipers. Each and every time you save his ass, he stops, bows, and mutters the same 'Thanks' soundbite. Every. Fucking. Time. That's about eight instances of it in the span of the five minute section.
The kid eventually leads us to a building at the end of the catwalk, which leads to a slightly more powerful DG Soldier (Read: I had to shoot him three times instead of two). The cardkey pops out of his bullet riddled corpse.
The real kicker is the pair just waltz through the front door of the building afterwards. The door was not locked. That whole section was, quite literally, pointless.
"Avenge... I couldn't do..."
"..." "..."
"..."
"So, what was that? A yes? A no? You'll take it into consideration? H-Hello? I mean... You'll help me, right? Hello? Hello?!" "..." "What a dick."Special Feature:
I'm going to be blunt here. I hate fanart. I hate fan artists. I loathe fanfics. It is because of you, authors and artists of these abominations, that we cannot have nice things.
Since we are in a minor lull in the
and vague references to past games, at the moment, I present to you:
This section will showcase a select 'work' from the Final Fantasy VII series a pal of mine has been
If the latter crops up, I swear to fucking god I will close this thread and never look back. Got it? Good. With that said, submissions of terrible fanart you come across yourself is acceptable.
Today, I submit for you all:
Enjoy.
Tune in Next Time For:
Rocket Launchers!
Exclamations!!
Devil Triggers!!!
Bonus Movies:
Vincent Being a Dick
Cutscenes Present: 4
Cutscenes Total: 41