Part 12: Episode XI: Make Over
Episode XI: Make Over
Alright, then. The child has vanished. Presumably he was immediately gun down in some back alley or dragged away by gimp hounds. In either case, Vincent couldn't give less of a shit. And that's just fine with me.
Back in the building where we just got the shiny new cardkey, Vincent can find this semi-hidden special weapon.
The Model Gun. Just as the name suggests, this is a toy replica of the Cerberus. Despite its plastic frame, it can still somehow manage to fire handgun bullets. However, the attack power is a whole 1. So, basically a light breeze has more damage than anything this frame can fire.
But, the Model Gun holds a dire secret. It is not just a joke weapon, oh no. You see, dumping a light sum of 250,000 Gil in upgrades, on this hunk of junk, will magically transform it into the Ultima Weapon - the strongest frame in the game. The Ultima Weapon has a whopping 200 in all stats and can basically one-shot almost anything in the game, outside of bosses.
The thing is, the only way to easily get that kind of scratch is to convert just about all Vincent's end of the stage experience into Gil. Which, I sure as shit am not doing. If you feel the need to grind for multiple playthroughs or have a gimped Vincent for entire game, knock yourself out. You are more dedicated than I.
Also obtained in the same area (actually, off a side-path on the escort mission catwalk) is the Materia Floater. This little job can be equipped on the Scope slot in order to increase the level of Materia by one level. So, it's quite the handy little thing for non-Hydra configurations, until better items roll along.
Now, if I could just remember to ever use magic attacks.
Well, with the security keycard collected, Vincent is free to proceed to the warehouse. But first.
Time for a shoddily rendered Midgar skybox photo-op! Say cheese.
Oh, you know how I said Vincent is free to proceed to the warehouse? I meant he's free to proceed the four fucking blocks of endlessly spawning enemies until he finally gets to the warehouse.
Twenty minutes of shooting the same soldiers down identical looking streets and alleys, with the occasional sniper support unit.
After fucking ever, Vincent finally makes it to the warehouse. There had better be some chilled wine and a big pie waiting for him, after all that bullshit.
Or, you know the same empty warehouse that everyone seems ever so eager to have a cutscene in. I guess that works, if you live in a world that sucks. Which Vincent Valentine, in fact, does.
A soldier with around eighty pounds of armor, a ridiculously large sword, and a fucking anti-tank rocket launcher falls out of the sky. It's like a spin on 'raining cats and dogs' as written by a thirteen year old with anger issues.
Said soldier begins to perform the...
...gayest...
...poses...
...possible. I'm sorry, flexing your muscles does not work when there is two inches of steel covering your body. I'm just saying, is all...
Since Square-Enix's goal for this stage seems to be making it as bullshit as humanly possible, they throw in a half dozen snipers on top of the tin man.
I'd just like to know what Deepground's objective is. Is it a war against depth perception? Or a Gestapo-esque enforcement of silly hat day? Maybe it's simply the triumph of the master race of retards. Who knows?
I actually know the answer to that question and I can safely say, were it any three of those suggestions, it would still be several times more intelligent and coherent than what is truly in store.
So, six or so snipers on both sides of the room and in a position they cannot be easily shot. A half dozen normal troops all ready to open fire. And a big sack of dicks with heatseeking rockets.
There are two ways to play this section. Running for your life, hoping you don't immediately eat a rocket in your face and get shot about eight times by snipers, dying in about twenty seconds in.
Or just hitting the Limit Breaker, running over, and punching the boss to death in thirty seconds flat. Personally, I leaned a bit toward the latter.
That boss fight qualified as being so shitty, that not only does he lack an over-the-top death scene, thanks to Vinnie, but he doesn't even get a full final line.
Then again, weren't we supposed to be searching for survivors? I mean, they're obviously not in this warehouse. I think the wholesale slaughter of everything moving in the building may have been a bit detrimental to the investigation. Though, this is Dirge of Cerberus Vincent we are dealing with. His investigatory skills seem to be channeling Solid Snake's MO of repeating information in the form of a question.
Vincent wanders outside...
"Of all the days to leave my umbrella at home. My corset better not rust."
Oh, hey. She's a goon.
"Keeper of the Protomateria."
"Metal G-I mean... Protomateria?" "Yes. The key to controlling Omega. We know you have it. Hand it over now, and I'll kill you quickly."
"Huh? What? Oh... Forgive me. I just nodded off there for a moment. You were saying?"
"Time to die." "Death would be a release from this endless waking torment. Decades of the crushing weight of suffering are already upon my shoul-"
"Who the what?!"
Things like this are basically the only reason Vincent never got over Lucrecia. Every woman he's ever met since has been a nutcase, jailbait, freakishly strong, or tried to kill him. The guy's going to be the 60 Year Old Virgin at this rate.
Vincent decides it wise to flee to safety.
He, of course, completely forgets he's fighting a chick who can teleport.
Thus, he is promptly punched through a wall in punishment for his short attention span.
But, don't count Vincent Valentine out of the game yet. Oh no.
This cat's got more than a few
...
...
BWAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, you've got to be...
HAHAHAHA!! Oh, shit. I'm done. Here's what happened next. I'm sure you can figure it all out.
HAHAHAHA!
Long story short: Vincent turned into the embodiment of that which is goth, exploded, and fainted. In that order.
Oh, Dirge of Cerberus. You card.
And, there we have it. The end of Stage Three. A stage in which absolutely nothing noteworthy was accomplished. At all.
I can't believe fifty minutes of my life were wasted on that crap. That is fifty minutes I will never get back. I hope you pricks are happy.
Unfortunately, I was too busy punching the boss to death at the end to lob a few fireballs at the remaining snipers in the room. A man has got to have his priorities.
Well, if nothing came of this exercise in frustration, at least Vincent finally got his intelligence into the double digits. Maybe he'll start to reform information into complete questions, instead of one word inquiries.
And, as for shopping, the Hydra got a pair of upgrades so as to give it at least a reasonable boost in ability for annoying snipers of the future.
Well, that's a wrap. I hope you kids like exposition. There's a mountain of it coming up!
Special Feature:
So, yeah...
BWAHAHAHA! Oh, fuck you Nomura.
Tune in Next Time For:
Redundant Flashbacks!
Endless Rambling About Stupid Shit!!
Stasis Capsules!!!
Bonus Movies:
Stage Three Outro
Cutscenes Present: 5
Cutscenes Total: 46