Part 13: Episode XII: Why We Cannot Have Nice Things

Episode XII: Why We Cannot Have Nice Things


Ladies and Gentlemen: Welcome to the fourth stage. I'm really curious as to what might occur in this one.


If you guessed a series of meandering flashbacks, which add nothing but foreshadowing there will eventually be, in fact, more flashbacks...well, you're pretty good at this whole guessing thing...


First up is another Lucrecia cavern sequence. This one is basically forty seconds of Vincent staring at Lucrecia with the only dialog being:

"...sorry..."
<dead air>
"Why?"
<dead air>
"Awake-"
<dead air>
"Awake?"
<dead air>
"I'm so sorry."

It was all very exciting. Did I mention I enjoy sitting in my yard admiring a good, old fashion paint job setting?

Moving right along to the next flashback...


Next, we have a confrontation between young, slightly less goth Vincent and a shadowy figure who is clearly Dr. Hojo. The game chooses to obscure Hojo's face in shadows for the bulk of the flashback scenes.

Hojo - one of the primary villains of Final Fantasy VII. One whom the party encounters at least a dozen separate occasions and even have a multi-stage boss battle against. He's about as enigmatic as Bowser appearing in a fucking Mario Brothers title. But none the less, they're still going to attempt to leave his identity a mystery,


"You!"
"Silence!"



I don't know, Vinnie. If I encountered a mad scientist who somehow managed to maintain a shadow over his upper torso and was packing a gun as long as his arm, I think I'd at least be a bit on guard.


"I mean, hell. I only knocked up your girlfriend in the name of science. Stop being such a baby. Look, at you! Nothing but a little sissy baby boy! What were you going to do to stop me? Write some poetry? Maybe a haiku? Was it a haiku? Did you have your little flower notebook and pen with a fuzzybobber on the end? How did you ever make it into the Turks? You're like some sort of King Sissy of Pantiebunch Peak. Hmm... King of the Sissies... Heh... That gives me an idea..."


I'll give Dirge of Cerberus some credit in the voice actors being somewhat decent. Even if Steven Blum seems like he's doing a melancholy David Hayter impression for most of Vincent's dialog. On that same note, Hojo is voiced by Paul Eiding; better known as the voice of Colonel Campbell from Metal Gear Solid. And he pulls off a surprisingly good over-the-top mad scientist voice.

Another flashback...


Next we have a brief sequence of Vincent standing up, sort of freaking out, and letting out an inhuman scream as we fade to the next flashback...

Just one more, now...


A brief bit of Lucrecia tapping on Vinnie's fishbowl. Come on now, doctor. There is clearly a sign on the front which says not to do that. It drives the goths nuts.


We finally arrive back in present day, where even Vincent has been lulled to sleep by all the shitty flashbacks.


"I don't blame you. I was half in the bag, myself. Heck, I still am."



Thanks for those ace water dripping effects, Square-Enix. It's those little aesthetic touches that make your games shine.


"Safe inside the WRO headquarOH GOD! What is that smell?!"
"I don't smell anything."
"Oh, God. It smells like a cow's carcass was left outside in a monsoon! I can only smell out of one nostril and oh... Oh God! Even the missing eye is watering. Oh God! I-I think I'm going to puke."
"I'm sure it'll pass after a while."
"You were in that tank for four hours. I don't think your outfit can get any more wet. Hurch... Oh... Oh... I think I puked a little bit in my mouth..."
"Oh, yeah. I was about to ask you. How did I even get in there? Last thing I remember was exploding."


"It seems the beast inside you went a little wild back there. This happen often? As for the tank... Ugh... It was... Reeve's idea. He said it would help with the flashback transition. Blech. Oh... What's that I'm smelling now? Oh... Oh, Mother of God... Don't tell me the beast went that wild..."


"I have issues with Chaos Control when I get excited. The power rings tend not to hold up very well. It's not a sonic boom or anything. But, there's definitely a dark shadow down there. It doesn't happen often. You may want to direct me to the nearest restroom facility, after we're done talking."
"Chaos? Oh... You did not just make an entire Sonic the Hedgehog metaphor about pantshitting!"
"Forgive me. It has been a confusing day. This all is doing no favors for my reputation. Would you mind pulling another plot point out of your ass, to change the subject?"
"Only if you promise me to never, ever mention your ass again. Hmm... Let me think..."


A gene that turns people into dopey looking devilmen? Did they really just steal a plot point from fucking Tekken, of all things? Really?


"Were you the product of one of her experiments? One of the particularly dumb ones, per chance?"


A scientist conducting experiments? Why, I never!


"Wait. Lucrecia was researching Chaos?"
"Don't tell me you didn't know. But, since you did not, I just happen to have an overwhelming amount of exposition on the subject"


"Here, let me bring the data up on my Amiga."


I love how they feel compelled to give all the bit characters a last name and bio information in these expanded universe add-ons. Sure, they might not give them anything resembling compelling background, a static two-dimensional personality, and slightly more outlandish design. But, by god! The people will know their surname and blood type.


"...she refers to Chaos as one of the sentient xenoforms residing among us. However, the theories that she presented were so abstract and complex..."


Shalua continues to ramble on for another thirty seconds. Vincent just goes into a stupor upon the realization the woman he was pining after for decades was some tinfoil hat wearing nutjob.


"Can I see this thesis?"
"Unfortunately, no. On top of being obscure, it was never even submitted to the Shinra database. All I know is what I saw while going through the company's archives. Despite all this, I am still going to maintain my shock that you were unaware of her research."


I think Reeve is the only likable character this game has. There's no tortured, convoluted past. No driving force of hate, regret, or sorrow. No ridiculous super powers. He's just a dapper middle-aged normal guy in a silly outfit. I'll just ignore the slight schizophrenic tendency to masquerade as a Scottish cat.



"OH GOD! WHAT'S THAT SMELL?!"

Special Feature:


Little Known Fact: Vincent Valentine is not in Brawl.

Tune in Next Time For:


Clones!


Poetry!!


Sieges!!

Bonus Movies:

Flashbacks Followed by Flashbacks
Stage Four Intro (Part 1)

Cutscenes Present: 3
Cutscenes Total: 49