Part 15: Episode XIV: The Revelation of Stairs in the House

Episode XIV: The Revelation of Stairs in the House


Alright, at long last the cutscenes finally end...for now. They are instead replaced by an incredibly monotonous gameplay section. Joy of joys.


Vinnie immediately receives his first Stage Mission - bail out the WRO chucklefucks.


Despite this being the main base of operations, there are only 20 WRO members in the building. Their defensive lines seem to consist of standing bunched together, in groups of three, while standing in the middle of an area. Perhaps firing in the general direction of the enemy, on occasion. They might even land a shot for a good 10 HP of damage!


And, don't even dream of them following to lend support. As soon as the enemy they spawned to combat is taken out, they immediately stop firing and freeze in place to take up daydreaming. Why fall to the pitfalls of poor friendly AI scripting when you can just not have any at all?

Take notes, Valve.


Thankfully, Vincent cannot directly kill any of his braindead comrades.


Note to Self: Exploding barrels do not qualify as direct intervention.


The main lobby of the WRO Building is very large. It consists of five floors of walkways, with the occasional side corridor. Vincent will, of course, have to fight his way up all five floors while under constant fire from each.


And, of course, the Deepground soldiers have set up laser fields to slow down Vincent's progress. And, don't ask. There is no way he is hopping over that guardrail to the staircase; avoiding the barrier altogether. That is far too dangerous a stunt. There's no need to be a hero.


In fact, if he wants to get to any of the lower floors, he has to take the stairs all the way down. Invisible walls line the entire perimeter of the guardrails on each level. For safety purposes, you see.


Instead, Vinnie is forced down tight side corridors with DG soldiers randomly popping out to get a couple free potshots on our hero. Mostly due to the fact the corridors are small enough that Vincent's body blocks the view of anything in front of him. To combat that, he can simply have his weapon drawn. Except enemies occasionally spawn behind him too.




Upon reaching the top floor, we come upon Dr. McStrokevictimtits stalking about the main lobby.



She is immediately ambushed by the sole melee combatant of the entire Deepground infantry and his Glow-in-the-Dark Machete of +1 Incompetence.


Shalua manages to fatally flip him over her shoulder. Since, a woman with no depth perception should have no trouble using martial arts techniques. Especially one which requires quick reactions to a charging enemy's movements.


She also caps some random guy that was just kind of standing around, just to prove she is a tough-as-nails woman... Also a scientist. Did you notice the glasses and labcoat? I hope you noticed those. They mean that she is a woman of science, you see.

Well, that was pointless. Meanwhile...


At the top floor, a comically large number of DG soldiers shuffle out of the lift equivalent of a clown car, to do battle with Vinnie.


The leader of the pack, a man who should not be able to stand in that elevator, leaves behind a little trinket for Vincent - the Gravity Floater. This is an optional attachment. I believe the very first in the game. Optional attachments are basically silly looking ornaments which increase the effectiveness of a weapon configuration.

For example, this one is a pair of golden wings which somehow reduces a weapon's weight by a third. I'm not even going to attempt to figure out that one. Instead, I'll just say there is absolutely no draw-backs to this particular item and now all three of Vincent's weapon configurations now have a silly pair of wings.

Vincent heads down an offshoot of the top floor.


"Isn't he your boss? Shouldn't you people be doing this?"
"Yes, sir. But, I can't make it down there. Enemy resistance is too heavy."
"Is anyone guarding Reeve?"
"Sir, what do you mean?"
"Didn't you leave a few troops with your commander?"
"There's nobody to spare, sir."
"How can there be nobody to spare? Isn't this the WRO's main base? Isn't Reeve the WRO's leader? What is wrong with this picture?"
"I don't follow, sir."
<groans> "Fine... Fine... I'll do it."
"Thank you, sir!"
"..."
"Aren't you coming with me?"
"I need to hold this position. Don't want enemies to flank from the rear."
"You are already in the rear. In fact, you are behind enemy lines. They're about to kill your commander. Why don-you know what? Forget it. I'm going. Try not to shoot yourself in the foot."
"Yes, sir!"


Right, now for the second Stage Mission - saving Reeve's ass. You may notice the timer is extremely low. That's not because they're about to shoot Reeve in the back of the head, execution style. You see, the timer is counting up. There actually is absolutely no chance of Reeve dying. A better score is rewarded for getting to him quicker. That is all.

A sense of urgency outside of cutscenes? That's just crazy babbling I'll hear nothing of.


And it's a good thing the area isn't timed. Reeve has seen it fit to place his command center in a labyrinth of tight corridors all identical to this, with cross roads leading to dead-ends at every turn.

Well, really it's less a 'labyrinth' and more 'completely linear path with slight alcoves Vincent has to turn toward before noticing they're dead ends'. But that just didn't roll off the tongue as well. This wouldn't be so annoying if they hadn't failed to add a quick-turn while aiming (and the nature of the enemy filled hallways making it impossible to see shit unless a weapon is drawn.)

Even the worst of Capcom's ilk didn't have so many glaring fuck-ups in design as any single stage in this game. I can't believe I just got nostalgic for a crappy Capcom title...


Oh, yeah. At the end of the 'maze' Deepground resorts to the old exploding barrel down the staircase trick. Since, nothing says highly trained military force like resorting to tactics fucking Donkey Kong invented.

Finally coming to the command center...



I think we've just witnessed the first documented instance of Cait Sith being in a battle.


Oh, hey. Reeve is okay. That's good to...


Wait, WHAT?!


"But Vincent. The Tsviets... Azul is still on the loose."


_{"Nice save."
"Think he noticed the plot hole?"
"Naw. The lad's 'bout as bright as a cave on a cloudy night. If anythin' he might jest think you're a robot. Just act casual."}

The two wander off. With that waste of time out of the way, Vincent returns to the main lobby...


Azul gives Vincent a nice big gay grin, before wandering toward the basement. Guess where our next location is?


Another turret section! I bet you thought I was going to say the basement. You are just so predictable.


This turret section is a touch less entertaining than the last one. Mostly because it is:
A.) Timed.
B.) Enemies are tiny, moving, and on three separate floors coming from three different directions.
C.) There's about twenty of them at once.
D.) They all immediately know exactly where Vincent is and fire upon him the second they enter the area. Even the guys with rocket launchers have no lag-time.
E.) I hate this game.

About a minute or two of having my accuracy rating probably go into the single digits...


Shockingly enough, Square-Enix didn't take it upon themselves to make Vincent fight his way down all five stories again. In fact, he is required to ride the elevator to the bottom floor.

Trouble is, they don't point this out and the elevator is never used prior to this. In fact, its console was inaccessible just minutes ago. So, there will likely be a confused minute or two of running to all the newly blocked exits while wondering where the wayward keycard is, before stumbling upon the solution.

Yes, I'm at the point where just using the elevator is well beyond the realm of reason.

Vincent heads to the basement.


The basement level is exactly what you see here, just multiplied by three (around the corner there's an identical corridor which opens upon another identical hallway). There actually was a new enemy type here, but I was too busy blasting my way through on auto-pilot praying for the pain to end, to see what it actually did.

Maybe next time we encounter one. And I am very, very sure there will be a next time.

Five minutes I'll never get back later...



Uh oh. The Cyclops has gone rogue and there is what appears to be an invisible midget going in for the kill. Goddamn... An invisible midget would be pretty unstoppable, wouldn't it? Huh...

In any case, things look grim for Vincent.

Tune in Next Time For:


Drama!


Bombs!!


Lightsabers!!!

Bonus Movies:

Cait Sith and Reeve's Interesting Relationship (Warning: WTF)

Cutscenes Present: 4
Cutscenes Total: 58