Part 18: Episode XVII: The Pits

Episode XVII: The Pits


You see this title. This title right here? Most appropriately named stage ever.


Without as much as a cutscene (okay, there is a three second one of him landing in the sewage) Vincent is immediately launched into the stage. If you think this is a rather abrupt beginning, there is a very good reason why:


They cut out an entire chapter for a cellphone game spin-off -- Dirge of Cerberus: Lost Episode.


A gripping tale of Vincent Valentine getting stiffed by the WRO and having to hitchhike to Nibelheim.


His journey takes him to scenic Junon...which looks much less impressive with the 'our town is a huge ass gun' tourist attraction gone.


Along the way he does battle with Deepground soldiers, since they seem to be hanging out in every square inch of the planet continuing their nefarious plot of...being wholesale slaughtered by Vincent.

There's still a few kinks to work out in said evil scheme.


Vincent eventually hitches a ride on a tanker heading across the ocean to Costa del Sol (notice: Costa del Sol shall not be shown, due to failing the requirements of moody, gray, and corridor filled.)


We also miss out on another of <many> Lucrecia flashbacks. This one would have revealed a dire secret of Vincent's  he can't dance. 


And there you have it. From there he traveled halfway across the continent, climbed a mountain, and jumped from the mountain into a sewer level. Where we begin now.


Vincent is immediately assaulted by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's less charismatic counterparts, the Middle-Aged Transformed Spearmen Tortoises.


Also known as the Sahagin. So, we have our first Stage Mission. Invading a mutated creature's home and mercilessly massacring everyone inside. Nice.


The Sahagin have basically two attacks. They can stab Vincent with their spears, if he's in close range. Or, if they're at a distance, they can <horrible inaccurately> spit acid. And, that is about it. There are 33 of these buggers in the sewers. In fact, they're the only thing of note in the sewers. Well, unless you count...


...an endless series of identical murky corridors...


...ladders...


...and puzzlingly short draw distances for indoor environments... as noteworthy features. Personally, I do not.

Like twenty minutes of this shit later...


Eventually, Vincent reaches the basement of Shinra Mansion. Or, more appropriately, the basement of the basement of the hidden underground level of the Shinra Mansion. Multiple basements have been retconned into the area's floor plan. People love basements, right?

In any case, Deepground is crawling all over the basement for no particularly reason. Maybe it's like that thing with the black cloaked clones in Final Fantasy VII that were all drawn to Sephiroth. Deepground is merely having a Reunion with cargo crates. It all makes sense now.



Down one corridor of particularly disrepair, we find the Power Booster. You folks won't believe what this item does.

Joking aside, it takes up the same slot as the Gravity Floater. But, this is a game where auto-aim is not only an option, but damn well near required. The ability to fire more powerful shots trumps being able to aim quickly any day of the week.


Further into the basement sub-level, we come upon this unique little elevator. You see, this is an automatic elevator. When I say 'automatic' I do not mean it will come down to the appropriate level without need to be hailed. Oh, no. I mean it moves between the four levels in the room by itself. Stopping at each floor for about eight seconds before ascending/descending to the next.

This basically means, if it just so happens to have left the current floor (like it did for me), you are basically forced to stand around with your thumb up your ass for the next thirty seconds until it arrives. Repeat for each floor, depending on luck of timing.

Have I mentioned I hate this game? I have? Well, by proxy, do you hate this game by now? I certainly hope so.

Vincent finally gets a ride on the godawful elevator and comes upon a store jukebox.


You may have previously noticed the PMS upgrades for the various weapons. After upgrading their baseforms to their maximum level (read: level 3), the Cerberus, Hydra, and Griffon all break into branching paths. P(ower), S(peed), and (M)agazine.

Since I and anyone else playing this game will be using the titular Cerberus 90% of the time, we'll be blowing change on that first.

The Power branch for the Cerberus increases damage dealt at the cost of firing speed and magazine size. Firing speed is rather trivial, as a weapon hitting once for 300 damage every second is far better than it hitting twice in a second for 150 damage each shot. Less ammo used per shot also means more of a reserve for bullets, making the magazine issue a minor annoyance, at best.


Speed increases firing rate at the cost of power. That's about all there is to it.


Magazine increases the number of shots between reloads and slightly increases power with no real detriment to speed. An item later in the game negates the need to reload, making this a rather pointless path. But, it proves a good all-around weapon.


Now, me? I want to kill things as quickly as possible with the least amount of hassle. So, Power is the path for me. Your mileage may v...

Bwa ha ha. Who am I kidding? Nobody else is going to play this game in the future.

Moving right along...


Eventually, Vincent comes to the end of area elevator which leads to the Shinra Mansion basement proper. Are there any video games with a remotely well designed spooky mansion? Any?


Regardless of poor architectural planning, Vinnie decides this is a good time to brood and have a flashback...

Fade to white...


Welcome to the first of many... many... drawn out proper flashbacks to Vincent in his stickfigure Turk days having awkward conversations with Lucrecia Crescent.


Keep in mind during these flashbacks that Vincent is supposed to be 27 years old, at this point. The designers of Dirge of Cerberus apparently forgot about this and as such, he looks and acts like he's roughly a 16 year old who was a late bloomer.

Dramatic close-up!


"Why would they send his..."
"Excuse me?"
"I apologize. I'm trying to foreshadow."


"I was expecting something more..."
"I assure you ma'am. There is nothing to fear. I'm only here to-"
"I was going to say 'manly'."
"Oh..."
Oh geez, he looks like he's about to cry. I'd better do something.


"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Valentine."

And the rest is history. History which will be agonizingly retold through the course of the game...

Special Feature:


Well, here we are again. Another little Final Fantasy VII throw-back. This time in the form of an obscure random encounter- the Sahagin.


Sahagin

Sahagins are an early game enemy found exclusively in the sewers of Midgar, following the Corneo Mansion section of the game (ie the part where Cloud cross-dresses.)



As one little additional bit of trivia, these guys have been around since the original Final Fantasy. Though, they looked more Creature of the Black Lagoon than Ninja Turtle.

Tune in Next Time For:


Wildly Out of Place Gameplay Shifts!


Horrible Character Swaps!!


Inappropriate Use of Jockstraps!!!

Bonus Movies:

Lucrecia Flashback: Elevator Edition

Cutscenes Present: 2
Cutscenes Total: 66