Part 20: Episode XIX: The Holodeck is Malfunctioning Again

Episode XIX: The Holodeck is Malfunctioning Again


Well, that was terrible. In other news, Vincent has finally arrived in the basement of Shinra Manor proper. You may recall the basement of Shinra Manor, back in Final Fantasy 7, being basically being a spiral staircase, a short cave, and a single long room with some lab equipment, a desk or two, and a shit load of books.


It's been expanded...slightly.


Vincent does his best James Bond impression as he stalks into the room.


Unfortunately, his stealthy posing does little to derail the omnipresent force that is the plot device. This one just happens to roll out of a wall or something and land at his feet.


Speaking of feet, what sort of godawful shoes is Vincent wearing? How is someone even supposed to run in pointed golden slippers?


"Will I ever find peace?"
"Ask again later."


The Materia... Sphere... Whatever the hell immediately explodes in Vincent's hand producing...


Oh, Vinnie's 'sort of dead but not really' girlfriend. What a coinkie-dink.


"Have you come to check up on me? Cause, that excuse just isn't flying anymore. I'm filing a complaint with the company."


Aww, it's time for a tearful reunion.


Hahaha! Psyche.


Do you remember how Materia doubles as a sophisticated holographic video recorder? No? Oh, well it does. Like the part where Tidus and company were checking out the ruins of... What? That wasn't the same thing? Oh... Well, forget I said anything.


Well, let's just take a look at things for a moment here. I think it's safe to assume the giant arm thing in Mako Reactor 0 is Omega. One can assume the only reason this Omega would wake up would be due to Deepground. Deepground has only existed for say a decade before Dirge of Cerberus.

Now, this recording is around thirty years old. So no, Omega's awakening is not even close to being upon anything at the point of this recording. Shut up.


Regardless, Lucrecia sees it fit to have a holodeck presentation on the subject.


"Behold mighty Chaos, Omega's squire to the lofty heavens. I still can't believe I submitted that to the company and wasn't fired on the spot."


"The rest of the scriptures just had curious repeating passages saying 'Aerith dies at the end of Disc One'. Aerith... What kind of a name is that?"


"There is occasionally discrepancies between 'Y' and 'B' in translations of the Ancient's text. But, I think that's what it was called."


Great. Can I go home now? Please?


Lucrecia decides a Kamehameha is the best way to emphasis her point. It must be like clip-art in PowerPoint presentations.


"Shinkuu HADOKEN!!! Ehem... I mean... However, his only purpose is to cleanse the planet of all things living and lead their immortal souls through the abyssal aether to a new beginning far, far beyond the neverending sea of stars. So, basically Meteor with more of a fakey religious spin."


"...so too, does our planet through the universe. Or at least in theory. Astronomy isn't my field and man's only successful venture into space flight was to fly a rocket filled with explosives into a giant rock in the sky. But, I think it's as good a theory as any."

Let's switch scenes to the 'Abyssal aether of the neverending sea of stars'...



Wasn't that vaguely Sephiroth's goal in Advent Children? Only using the planet as some sort of space jalopy or something? Are they really so depleted of ideas that they're half-assing the same half-assed concepts from its own entries in the series?

End holodeck sequence...


"Though, I cannot imagine what help they might be, if any at all. I mean, what are the chances a bodyguard I experimented on, put in a silly costume, then tossed in a storeroom ever becoming involved with a world destroying entity of legend? I would think it quite slim. Quite. But, just remember..."


You know, when your girl's catchphrase is apologizing, it might be time to start looking for alternatives.



The recording immediately shatters upon completion. So, if in the last three decades, anyone had picked up this thing not only would they have to endure the loopy hippy rantings of 'Dr.' Crescent, but Vincent would completely miss the whole message. Nice planning there.


Is not dead... She's not even hard to find. You know exactly where she is! Go talk to her if you miss her so much.


Or mope some more. I guess that works too.


Oh hey, an old floppy disc. I haven't seen one of those in years.


Wait... Why the hell is anything stored on a floppy disc if there's the technology to store complete holographic recordings in little balls? What sort of ass backwards civilization does this planet have?

What else have they done like this? Did they invent motor vehicles but the wheel was just released last month? Did they invent HDTVs when Betamax is the standard for video storage? Gah!

Tune in Next Time For:


Tedious Item Fetching!


Files!!


Landmines!!!

Bonus Movies:

Five and a half minutes of Holo-Lucrecia rambling

Cutscenes Present: 3 (One being four plus minutes)
Cutscenes Total: 73