Part 27: Episode XXVI: Aeris Dies
Episode XXVI: Aeris Dies
"Well, I figured that. I mean what the hell is he?! It looks like a giant bull mixed with stupid. Wait, huh...?"
Oh hey, Lieutenant Nineyearold and Dr. McStrokevictimtits have a-wait, doctor? Where's her lab coat?! Why, she's not a doctor at all! It's all been a ruse! She's actually sort of bi-pedal giraffe woman! I have been deceived!
Am I the only one getting an exceedingly strong Muppet vibe from Azul?
Vincent attempts shooting Beast-Azul in the face a few times. Though, it proves to be of little use, since he's apparently got a thick plate of cutscene bullshit armor across his body.
Since bullets don't seem to work, I'm sure a hundred pound girl spin kicking it will do the trick.
Or not.
"That was so adorably useless that I could just eat you all up!"
Vincent too gets bitchslapped out of the cutscene. That about ends his involvement with this entire scene. Did Shelke become the main character at some point? Any scene she's in seems to negate Vincent to standing idly on the sidelines. He at least gets to grunt once in a while with Reeve and the rest.
"That really is a horrible outfit, isn't it?"
"I have a sense that this should probably be fatal. But, we are in a cutscene-"
"Keep telling yourself that."
"See, hardly a scratch. In fact, pulling this next plot device out of my ass will likely hurt far more."Shelke proceeds to pull a big ball of materia out of what can only be her ass...
"I'm glad I decided to take along what is essentially your kryptonite in the off chance you'd betray me in a form unsuited for dramatic monologues."
<sigh> "I had to protect myself. You were trying to kill me."
"The time for what?" "To kill you." "You stopped just to ask why I was preventing you from killing me, only to go ahead and continue trying to kill me?"
"Yes."
"No longer...?" "You are no different from the others. Your weak body is nothing without mako. Your only skill is collecting data from a virtual reality. And Lucasarts has just filed a lawsuit against Deepground for your weapon of choice."
"Just disregard the chronology set-up in the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII would place you as a member of Deepground longer than I have been."
"Well, not 'ordered' in so many words. Having been dead for a week and all. But, I'm fairly certain his speech about murdering everyone is orders enough."Dramatic zoom!
"That is why we uploaded the doctor's data into your neural network. I'm keeping the 'doctor' intentionally vague. It is foreshadowing, you see."
"And we cannot let it fall into the hands of the WRO." "Then why did you bring me along to the first siege of the WRO? It would seem counter-productive to drag me along if I had completed my only task in the first twenty minutes of the game." "We are Deepground. Squandering resources is our way. Planning is the path of fools and weaklings!"
"Did you forget something, Azul?" "What? Begging will not help you, child." "I am not begging for anything. You seem to forget I am holding something that completely negates your power." "That is troublesome..."
"Excuse me? Azul is completely powerless at the moment. Have Vincent finish him off while I hold him a bay. You may spin kick him again, if necessary. I cannot guarantee the condition of your leg after doing so. His head is very hard."Shalua's manic ass yanks Shelke and drags her to the door, taking down the barrier that was containing Azul.
I like how Vincent doesn't try to hold off Azul or help drag along Shelke. He's just fucking out of dodge.
I'm uncertain what makes that disagreement so shocking. Maybe Shelke is having a flashback to one of the apparent many times Shalua beat the shit out of her when she was a kid.
"I'm not going to let this end here-"World's most unnecessary drama bomb commencing in 3...
2...
1...
And go!
"If only... I didn't have... the strength... of a fourteen year old..."
"You can still get through." "I was referring to the fact the door switch is right there. Just let go of my arm and I'll go press it. I'll even put up the barrier around Azul again while I'm at it. Just give me a-" "Go on!"
Whelp, so much for catching up on that ten years. It's time for some melodrama.
"Why do we keep these things around? Honestly, what is the point of being an unstoppable strongman if there is crap lying around that freezes me. I don't see the rest of the Tsviets having to deal with that bullshit. Well, there was the one time we switched Nero's mask with a real jockstrap. Heh. That was great. Hey...what's going on over there? Why is she sticking her arm in the door? The switch is right there. I swear, I need some better rivals. These people are ridiculous. Man, I've gotta take a leak..."
I figured you people would like to see a belt go flying off something.
"Vincent . Take care of her, will you?" "Wait! She's technically 19 still, right? That is a really awkward request." "Shelke, I'm glad I was able to find you." "I believe it was less of a discovery and more of I walked into your office one day." "Whichever...would you let me have my moment?"
They didn't put forth the effort of the door dramatically slamming shut and crushing her arm. But, I assure you had they, it would have been very dramatic.
"DAMMIT! I just wanna get laid! Just once! ONCE! That's all I ask! They can die immediately afterwards. They can die during it, for all I care! I'm over sixty! I'm a sixty year old virgin! This is bullshit!"
"I'm a guy. That is what I am supposed to do! Do? Dammit! Even my frustrated ranting is mocking me!" "I was referring to my sister's sacrifice." "Fuck your sister! Oh GOD! I did it again!" "I am attempting having a traumatic moment here." "Hey... Hey, wait. Traumatic? That... That was a robot arm, right? Yeah! Yeah. She'll just get a new one and she'll be good as new! Yeah! YEAH! Help me get this door open. Don't worry. Your sister will be okay and I can..."
"FAAAAAAAAALLLLLLCCCCOOOOOOOON!!!!"
"PPPPPPPPAAAAAAAWWWWWWWNNNNNNCCCCCHHHH!!" "..." "..." "..." "..." "Well, shit..."
"..." "Is that...?" "I..."
"Why would she...? Why...?" "I well... When people die they... I mean... I think I read... I..."
"We need to find a mop!" 
And that is it for Stage Six. Dr. McStrokevictimtits gets killed off screen and pisses herself. I did not edit that in any way. That is exactly what happens. Have I mentioned I hate this game, lately?
Well, my primary penalties were for taking too long, getting blown up by exploding barrels in an area filled with exploding barrels, doing poorly on the random critical hits (despite killing the stage boss in three extremely critical shots), and having poor accuracy during a seven minute sequence where you have to fire wildly at fifteen attack choppers. Thanks for being so lenient on the grading, Squeenix.
And I lost half the WRO soldiers in a stage where they're outnumbered by enemies 10 to 1 and there's two exploding barrels for every one WRO member. Nice.
Well, we're at the half way point and at level 17. How many playthroughs, on harder difficulties, would it take to get to Level 99? Especially taking into consideration that you'd have to do a playthrough converting all your experience into Gil just to be able to purchase the equipment to survive the harder difficulties.
And, unfortunately, I have a ways to go before I'll come close to buying the final Cerberus form. Joy.
Whelp, that's a wrap for the first half of the game. Tune in next time for...
"Deepground? What kinda limpwristed name is that? Might'as well call 'emselves Deeppound." "Wha? Valentine? Vincent Valentine? The goddamn Italian Batman lookin' asshole? That's it? Mightas well dug Aeris' dead ass up. Would probably be more useful." "Dredged her up then. Did I look like I was payin' attention to that flatchested !@#$%?! I had bigger fish to fry. The Forgotten Capital didn't have any cigarette machines." "Do I look like a fuckin' taxi service? The only only way yeer bringin' that stupid !@#$ing toy along is if I can use it as an ashtray."
"Kids? There ain't gonna be no goddamn kids on my ship." "She's nineteen? Then why'd you call her a kid?" "..." "That is the stupidest motherfucking thing I have ever heard! You're makin' that shit up! This is soundin' more and more like a pain in the ass. Forget it." "Oh?" "Really? I thought he was dead." "End of the world? End of the world my ass. The only way the world is gonna be endin' any time soon if I blow the shit out of it. You'd better have your fruitcake hero and jailbait kids and whatever other stupid shit ready. I'll be there in a hour."
"Whelp, fuckheads, looks like I gotta save the whole goddamn planet again."
"What are you orders, sir?" "My orders...?"
"Sit down, drink your goddamn tea, and get this bird off the ground. We're heading for Midgar..."
Bonus Movies:
Stage 6 Outro
Cutscenes Present: 1
Cutscenes Total: 94