Part 32: Episode XXXI: A Tale of a Retarded Planet

Episode XXXI: A Tale of a Retarded Planet


"Right. So the guys in the tin cans act as bait while I blow up every goddamn thing in a twenty mile radius. Yuffie getting teabagged somehow fits into the equation. Got it."


"Yes."
"I said are you ready?"
"Yes!"
"Maybe I wasn't clear, I asked if you were ready?!"
"Yes!!"
"ARE YOU READY?!"
"YES!!"
"ARE YOU READY?!"
"YES!!"
"ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH THAT CAT?!"
"YEEEEESSS!!!! Wait-I mean!"
"Haha. I knew it. Vince, you owe me ten gil."
_"Dammit!"


You've made a grave error here, Mr. Highwind. A very-"


"-grave error..."
"What was that, robotic cat?"
"Oi. Nothing. Notta thing at all, lass."


"Very well."


"Equipping fishbowl...now. Data fragment link...successful."



"BLARGHFFFFZZZTPOTATO!!!!"


"The hell just happened? Why the fuck are we in a FMV? Any ideas Vince?"
"..."
"Useful as a pair of saggy tits, as always. "
"Maybe it has something to do with the SND Shelke is taking?"
"They test kids for that at that age nowadays?"
"No, it's a Synaptic Net Dive. It-"


"..."
"Reeve, I'm gonna Synaptic Net Dive my foot up your ass sideways if the power doesn't come back on in the next five-"


"Oh, now what the !@#$ is this?! You turned my ship @!#!ing gay, Reeve!"


"Captain! My control panel just turned into the Milky Way! What do I do?! This isn't in the manual. CAPTAIN!!"
"Calm your shit down. We just gotta-"
"There is no need for alarm. Only the important characters will be viewing this FMV."
"Where the fuck does everyone else go?"
"I am making a shrugging motion."


"A pain in the ass...? Cause I knew this was gonna be a royal one. I need a drink."


Lucrecia will be narrating this brief summary of Omega, complete with hologram simulations of all events which are derived from some stones some dead people left behind a long time ago. During the duration, Yuffie will oh-and-aww at every bright color like she's six years old. Cid and Reeve will occasional give a small gasp.


Vincent will, of course, say and do absolutely nothing.


"...when her time has come."


"Anything that has definite shape will one day cease to exist. The only limit to my freedom is the inevitable closure of the universe, as inevitable as your own last breath. And yet, there remains time to create, to create, and escape. Escape will make me God."



"The pure Lifestream that flow freely beneath her crust will be brought together into one."


"By Omega-the ultimate life form. His purpose: to gather all life, sentient and non, and to lead it into the sea of stars. Where it will embark on a fabulous journey along a road untraveled."


"However, when Omega has lifted the life from this planet, all that will remain, will be an empty shell destined to die silently in the limitless void of space."


Vincent is suddenly shocked that Shelke has Lucrecia's voice, despite the whole FMV being narrated by her.


But, he immediately regains his brooding composure as soon as Shelke's voice returns to normal and she somehow reveals information on an event she wasn't present for.


"...just as the planet will ultimately give birth to the final Weapon, Omega, when the end of the world is imminent. In essence, Omega is an elaborate safety mechanism designed solely to maintain and protect the flow of life. Though, it does have a tendency to eat people dropped in its home."


"However, Deepground is attempting to reawaken the beast early. We're not sure why and it is best not to think about it too much. You'll only give yourself a headache. Anyway, thus the kidnappings and err-well let's do this instead."


Ah. It's symbolism. You see Dirge of Cerberus is the mechanical Metroid like-device there and it is sucking the life out of Cait Sith-the goofy and rather annoying, but well meaning Final Fantasy VII we once knew.


And see when combined, it all becomes perfectly clear. It's not Nomura who's behind this horrible car wreck of a game. Not even the chucklefucks at Square-Enix. No... The one behind everything becomes clear...


HITLEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!


"Reeve Tuesti, there seems to be a problem."
"What is it?"
"The mechanical cat has stolen my S.N.D. helmet."
"Oh, well I wanted to show the guys the end of the Cait Sith stealth mission."
"Should not explaining what you saw suffice?"
"It'll only take a minute."
"The mechanical cat is using a device which sends a human mind into the usernet at a very high risk of one's sanity. I tuned the machine specifically to myself. A robotic cat should not only be unable to use it, but should already be able to relay the previous information. In addition, seeing as how the earlier Cait Sith was destroyed, should not the data it possessed have been lost?'
"Fine. Fine. Will a quick playback soundbite of the people dying be alright?"
"Only if you can manage it inbetween loading screens."


It's actually a separate cutscene which half loads the next scene while it plays...




"Wait. Wait. Wait. Now wait just a fuckin' second here. Let me get this straight..."


"We're going to all this trouble fighting these blowhards all because the planet is..."


"...fucking..."


"...RETARDED?!"


"...hippies! Save the world? Clean up the environment. We're living on a big ball that couldn't win the bronze medal in the Special Olympics!?"


"'Cause goddamn! This is the stupidest crock of shit I've ever heard and I'm standing next to a middle-aged guy who plays with dolls while doing a bad Scottish accent. Argh. Whatever! Let's kill some stuff."
"Right. Omega is being revived deep beneath Midgar in Mako Reactor 0."


"Sir, didn't Mako Reactor #1 and #5 get blown up in the beginning of the original game?"
"Yes. But, none of us were part of the main party yet, so we can just quietly ignore that fact."


"Except for Vincent, who will have to fight all the major villains and likely Omega Weapon as well. As well as come to terms with the past and save the world from annihilation through the power of friendship."
_"Dammit!"


"You got anything that needs tending to, do it. Me? I gotta go lay an Omega Weapon in the toilet."

Tune in Next Time For:


Finances!


Emo!!


Freaking Out!!!

Bonus Movies:

S.N.D. Cutscene
Pretty Lucrecia Apocalypse Bullshit FMV
Yet Another Series of Cutscenes Vincent is Barely In