Part 34: Episode XXXIII: Entertaining People Who Don't Have GTA4

Episode XXXIII: Entertaining People Who Don't Have GTA4



"I'm gonna ram my fist right into these Deepground fuckers. One in the pink. One in the stink!"


Speaking of Deepground, they seem to all be enjoying a quiet sunset together. They also all have ridiculously good vision, since they spot the entire invasion from a good twenty miles away.


"I think they may be serious this time."


"But you'd think they'd put up a better fighting tactic than heading straight for us in a single direction."
"Uhh...Rosso..."


"..."
"So nobody is really great with the strategy thing..."


"Let tonight be the final chapter."
"Yes, the end will come at last."
"I meant they're making prequels after this."
"Oh... Well, are we in the prequels?"
"Cameos, at best."
"That's not so bad."
"Not you."
"Oh..."
"..."
"..."
"..."


"Well, what about Deepgr-"
"No."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"This sucks..."

Back in the Shera...


"If any more of you are killed by those punks I'll drag you back from hell and kill you again. Then I'll take your corpse, bury it upside down, and give ya a headstone that says 'Bitch who got his shit wrecked by Cid Highwind! Twice!'"


"Or taking cover. Or stop standing near exploding barrels. Or dyeing your hair a different color than blond. You're not fooling anyone what that stupid ass beanie, Walker!"


"Killing a bunch of crazy assholes who are trying to end the world by killing enough people to make the dumbass planet murder itself. The whole thing doesn't mean a damn bit of sense and neither does this plan. But, fuck it. I've yet to find a problem that couldn't be solved by blowing up enough shit and I ain't about to start trying out new methods."


Cid's speech basically boils down to 'don't get killed you fucking retards. Kill the other people. Thanks.'


But since it came from Cid Highwind, it gets a +9 augmentation to the morale boosting stat with a 'highly effective' boost due to the average IQ of people in the room barely breaking double digits. Collectively.

Elsewhere on board...


"I felt you were investing too much effort in our highly unsettling character developments.."


"I have come to contribute to the process."


"Your phone. I retrieved it from Kalm."
"But my apartment was blown up."
"Let us overlook that oversight by the writers, for the moment."


Did...Shelke just essentially go:
"I've modified your cellphone..."
*finger snap point*
"...with my cell number."

I did interpret that right...because goddamn!


"I shall, of course, be ignoring the fact that Midgar has been in ruins for the last three years and should not have a functioning network of any sorts."


You know, if you took this line out of context, the implications are illegal in most states.


"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Vincent, can I speak to you for a moment? In private."
"Very well, I shall return to the-"
"There's no need for that. I still need to talk to you. Just give us a moment, will you?"
"As you wish."






"Reeve I..."
"Vincent, what the hell?!"
"I am as weirded out about it as you are."
"You've got a funny way of showing it. Cid showed me that security footage of you watching her sleep."
"I was just concerned that-"
"Vincent, we're all concerned here. I'm the 'friend trying to help you out' sort of concerned. Cid is the 'already offered to castrate you multiple times' sort of concerned. I know she's possessed by research papers from your old fling or however it goes."


"Lucrecia and I were-"
"Nearly thirty. I don't care about the whole non-aging thing Shelke has going on. I would honestly be less creeped out if you dry humped Shalua's comatose body at this point."
"She's the one coming on to me. What am I supposed to do?"
"Delete her phone number, tell her you're not interested, shoot a puppy in front of her, tell her you're gay even! I don't care."
"I'm not gay, Reeve."
"She doesn't know that."
"She has Lucrecia's memories."
"Tell her Lucrecia was a dyke! I don't care. Just nip it in the bud before Cid does the same to you, man!"


"..."
"..."
"How long are you two going to stare at each other in silence?"
"Forgive me. Plot device from another game."
"It would appear to be a lazy shortcut to avoid rendering cutscenes, from where I am standing."
"I don't rike what you're impring."


"By monitoring your movement, Dr. Crescent's data fragments are restored within me. I'm simply providing this service for my own benefit."

So watching Vincent makes Shelke more like Lucrecia which in turn is beneficial to her...? I... Yeah... Just yeah...


You know what? I'd like cutscenes a lot more if at the end of each one, Vincent chimed in with this. Especially, if he sounds increasingly desperate as the game progresses.


Other than said resources being so limited, she'll have to participate in person not long into the game. I'll just go ahead and dash all of the lot of your dreams by saying that Vincent, Yuffie, Shelke, and sort-of Reeve/Cait Sith are the only good guy characters that are going to matter worth a damn from here on out.


Reeve glares at him coldly. A look of disgust floods across his face.


"Didn't the entire Tsviets' plan hinge on you, early on in the game?"
"Yes, I believe it did but-"


"I am past the point of defending the writers of this game."


"The airship. Only the airship. As in as far as humanly possible from Vincent, while still being involved with the plot. Can you do that?"


"So I feel being cooped up in the medical bay on the back end of the vessel is your best strategic location."


Why do I get the feeling that Reeve refers to any mild conflict as a war? Trashmen go on strike? Why, it's the Great Rubbish War of '82. A traffic jam during rush hour? East Side Turf War of '07. Blockbuster charges him a late fee on a movie rental? The Prompt Citizen's Revolution.


"Exactly. Your assistance. Away from Vincent. In the sky."
"Commissioner."


"Actually, this is an outright fabrication. But, good luck. And remember Shelke, I'm counting on you. To stay away from Vincent. In the sky."

Reeve runs away in an extremely goofy fashion.


"Well, that little rascal."

Vincent nods at Shelke and walks off.


"No. I have no one to fight for. No one at all."

And with that, Shelke proceeds to walk toward a dead end. And so ends the stage...I guess...there's no real stage ending. But, the next part is a ridiculous as fuck FMV, so I'll call it a intro...

Tune in Next Time For:


Mystery!


Adventure!!


The Gameplay of Dirge of Cerberus!!!

Bonus Movies:

Stage 7 Outro