Part 35: Episode XXXIV: Operation Market Garbage
Episode XXXIV: Operation Market Garbage
The last update before there's actually gameplay again! :too-wait... Am I actually happy about this? I haven't actually had to play the game in a solid month, now.
Man, fuck!
See, this is what I've been doing during the last hour long block of cutscenes. I've even been wearing goggles.
And so the assault on the woefully misrendered Midgar begins.
Seriously, I know the game world is the size of Rhode Island, but unless Midgar went through some New Orleans-style treatment, it was at least a few miles away from the coast. And what about that town from Stage 3, Edge? Where is it? And Kalm, for that matter? Gah. Why am I still trying to make sense of this mess...
Deepground, however, is not going down without a fight.
Generic spider-bot #3-8 will defend this place to the death alongside...infantry with rifles...against the flying armada... While I'm nitpicking here, can I ask why in the blue fuck an army who were trained for a decade underground have so many goddamn helicopters? Vincent has already shot down 17+. You'd think air support would be a low priority for a subterranean dwelling para-military force.
But, you'd also think they wouldn't make a game with a hero who says so little, one of his only lines for a solid hour of cutscenes is 'I didn't say anything."
Aww, it's the Stage 3 bosses. It's like a big super reunion of all the recycled enemies. I guess Deepground had to do something to defend against the WRO's overwhelming number of that goddamn blond haired guy.
While Deepground scores a few miraculous kills with its dumbfire RPGs launched from ground level.
The retaliatory strike of the airships just carpet bombing the army amassed in an open field proves just a bit more effective.
But, since this is Dirge of Cerberus and merely bombing the city to rubble just makes far too much sense, it's time for something completely retarded to even things out.
It looks like Vincent and the gang are going to parachute into the heart of Midgar. The key part of that previous sentence is 'looks like'.
Elsewhere...
That highly disturbing derail, a few pages early, now has made Shelke's ass like the FedEx arrow of the game. They really do focus on it in every goddamn cutscene and on a scale of 1-10 it ranks as a solid 'phone the police' on the creepy scale. Thanks for pointing that out, guys. You're all fucking swell.
I think this speaks for itself.
Back with the rest of the gang.
So does this.
Oh, remember how I said it 'looks like' they're parachuting into the city, which would be a nice little throwback to the same ridiculous sequence from the original game. Yeah, they're not parachuting... In fact, they're not even wearing parachutes.
They're riding flying surfboards... I... That is.. Do I honestly have to comment on this game anymore?
Does the Mile High Club give out Darwin Awards?
Now, while this is all fantastically retarded to begin with. Especially, coupled with Yuffie's mid-air fellatio offer, and the fact they wrote her out of character again (hiyah airsickness character quirk)
The sequence does offer one golden, shiny moment of utter manliness. Even triumphing Cid. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with the unsung star of the game, doing more awesome in five seconds than Vincent has manages in five hours. This guy...
The crazy motherfucker not only riding a flying surfboard, but ruining Deepground's shit with a rocket launcher while he's doing it. I have no doubt this man did a backflip, slammed a Dew, and got head from Yuffie, all on the way down.
Bwahaha. Yuffie is part of the 'advance squad' of airsurfing chucklefucks and Vincent is the second string back-up? Oh, Vinnie. Even your own game thinks you are a godawful hero.
Meanwhile...
Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten all about the 84th Armored Camper Division.
As well as the important Final Fantasy VII characters' cameo. Let's go see them for just about the final time in the game, shall we?
"Yo!"And that is literally the last time we see Barret and Tifa until the endgame.
"Duh fuck?! That spikey headed asshole gets more screen time than me again?! Fucker already had his own movie! Dis is some right racist shit right here!"
"You don't see me complaining." "Man, fuck you, Tifa! You were in half the movie. I was in ten motherfuckin' minutes toward the end and had to share screen time with everyone else. Motherfuckin' Red has more screen time than me. He ain't even in this fuckin' game and he still has more screentime than me. No, fuck this bullshit." "Barret, calm down." "No, FUCK this bullshit. We gettin' our own sequel. And I tell you who ain't."
"Commencing Operation FUCK Yo Spiky Ass!"
"Alright, so I just got to cut a few robots in half, brood about my past, and hope Sephiroth doesn't get resurrected this week too. Easy m-"
"..."
...
Well, okay. Maybe it didn't happen that way. But, a man can dream...
Actually, Cloud manages to drive right through the massive explosions...and right through Deepgrounds enemy lines...and he just keeps on trucking into he's in the middle of nowhere.
Luckily, Red the Red is more than willing to jump off a ten story roof to guide him in right direction.
She can also spin really fast without getting dizzy and emits neon rainbow body odor. Maybe we'd know about all these interesting factoids if she actually bothered to fight the hero of this game.
Despite Cloud having been zooming forward on a motorcycle and Rosso faceplanting into cement, they both manage to leap several stories at the same speed, immediately afterwards.
"What happened to your sunglasses, comrade?" "I ergh... I...took them off really quick. In mid-air. While being blown up." "Haha. Don't try to mask editing errors, Mr. Strife. We can only settle this through battle." "So it would seem."
Thus they strike weapons and explode. No battle or mention of a fight between them ever occurs. Cloud is never seen again until the endgame.
Meanwhile, Azul decides to get in on this action. Nero won't be joining us, as he's too hard to render. Though... are we really missing much not seeing the Uncanny Valley version of a man wearing a jockstrap on his face?
I might as well round out the cast in a
look gallery. 
Now, while ingame Azul's cannon did only around 200 HP worth of damage and knock Vincent on his ass, FMV Azul's cannon can one-shot a airship and likely level a small village on a neighboring planet.
Case in point: It blasts a hole clean through that airship flying dangerously close to The Shera causing it to...
JESUS CHRIST!!!!
Tune in Next Time For:
A Very Special Episode of Dirge of Cerberus...
Bonus Movies:
Big Battle FMV